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#45994 - 02/20/03 05:16 AM Why didn't you tell?
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
When I was reading Muldoon's post today, "What possible reason" I had the idea to start a side post about why didn't you tell. Actually, I just finished another post that is a good reason why we don't tell. Because the system ignores our crys for help.

I posted a reply to Muldoon's post

http://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001568;p=1#000007

but I will put a few of my reasons here and hopefully we can get some other reasons why we Keep the silence.


Why I didn't tell:
Shame.
Guilt.
Fear
  • I didn't tell my parents. I didn't feel they would understand.
  • Being afraid of what the abuser could/would do if I did tell.

Knowing that the "system" does not work. Perp #3 proved that to me
Lack of support.
  • The lack of support when I did tell.
  • Reaction from the police when I did tell.
  • Reaction from my parents when I did tell.
    • Being told that I would "ruin our families good name" if I told.
    • Being told by my mother that she would be so embarrassed that she
      would never be able to set foot in HER church again.
    • Being told that if I told it would be an embarrassment to both me and
      my parents


and the list will go on ....

because the system is broken

_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

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#45995 - 02/20/03 06:18 AM Re: Why didn't you tell?
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
I didnít tell because:
-I didnít want to loose my friend, and knew if I told I wouldnít be allowed to play with him again
-I went along with it when I shouldnít have, and felt I would get in trouble
-I liked the attention and the feelings that sexual contact gave me

At the time it happened I didnít know enough to be ashamed of it, but I was a little guilty because I had gone along with him. Then as I got older, I became ashamed that I had been with another guy, and some overtly gross stuff we did. When I became sexually aware, suddenly I realized just how bad what he had me do was. I liked even the sicker things we did, and that made me feel flawed and perverted. I wanted to bury it, and never let anyone know how sick I really was. I blamed myself for passing the games he showed me on to two other girls, and felt I was a rapist and no better than him. Once I began hating Jeff, I sunk lower and lower, using sex as a means to punish myself, like others here have cut themselves, or tried suicide. My list grew over time because my sexual violations grew, and there was more and more to hide.

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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#45996 - 02/20/03 06:55 AM Re: Why didn't you tell?
Jess Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/03
Posts: 107
Loc: California
Thanks, zadok1, for sharing. You are so honest. I never told throughout my life, and this happened when I was 4-5, initially. I never told, at first because I didn't understand what he was doing. He was a neighbor and all the adults in the community liked him. As an obedient child, since all the adults respected him I knew I was supposed to respect him as well. Also, we were expected NOT to speak. In those days (1955) we children were never heard, only seen. I didn't like how what he was doing to me so often (about once a week) always hurt my little parts. He sometimes undressed me. At others he left my clothes on but tried to grab at me through my open fly which he had unzipped. When he grabbed for me he always hurt me with the zipper. I didn't talk, because I didn't speak English. Ted was a nice man. My parents and the other parents liked Ted. I didn't, but I couldn't speak about it out loud. I never told. Then while growing up, I had experiences like you Zadok and for these I grew more ashamed and felt more guilty until I became so crosswired. Thank God for this place where I can get the support and comfort from the brothers here who understand what happened to me and why I grew up ashamed and alone and guilty and different. I feel that I am being honest about my life, and for the first time since then I am facing the truth about the fact of having been sexually molested. That honesty and truth are setting me free. I honestly believe that I will recover someday. I know that I am receiving healing through therapy and through the honest sharing you and I and the others are doing here. In addition, I am actively seeking out ways to assist myself in my healing through one on one therapy and in getting involved in support groups. I am healing through what I am finding in my reading and of course in the support I receive here from you and the other guys who post here. Thanks for everything, Z. Keep up the good work, Man! Sincerely, Jess.


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#45997 - 02/20/03 11:00 AM Re: Why didn't you tell?
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
To some extent & generally probably all the reasons you guys have already mentioned.

But for me, at least in childhood & even beyond, the main reason I didn't tell was that plain and simple, it never would've occurred to me to do so!

After all I was raised from infancy in incest & extreme sexual openness/overexposure, which involved most of the significant adults I saw with any regularity especially in the formative years. It seemed normal so what was there to tell?

Also, I seem to have buried memories of events almost as quickly as they happened, especially as they accumulated; they got buried deeper & deeper.

Furthermore I buried the memories & covered the pain with OCD addictions like alcohol, drugs, food & sex.

Didn't remember couldn't tell.

Once I did remember about 18 months ago I did start telling immediately, but only my online group, my T, wife, pdoc, daughters, later a live support group, all within 6 months. Told no one else except other online groups until I joined my survivor support group about a month ago.

No perps confronted, no attempts to take on the system.

Yet...

Those of you who do give me courage. Thanks.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#45998 - 02/20/03 11:05 AM Re: Why didn't you tell?
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
it is easy being honest here, no one knows me from adam. the real trick is being that open and honest in everyday life. i am getting there but it has been a hard fight.

i have examined every aspect of my past, and have tried to understand it. the rape started when i was five, and didn't end until i started dealing with my issues three years ago. my abuser might not have been physically molesting me any longer, but the rape visited every day. by denying and refusing to deal with it, i allowed it to play a major role in everything i did.

i was reading a survivor's story the other day where she talked about starting to use drugs and cut herself because of the pain she felt. well, i began using humiliating and extreme sex to do the same thing, inflict pain on myself. it went on year after year, pain after pain, and the whole time i refused to even consider the reasons why. it was easier to just forget it all, and keep kicking myself, humilating myself, ruining my relationships and life. no words can ever describe what i inflicted on myself, but i will say some would gag a magget.

if my struggles help someone, it makes it seem a little more worth having gone through it. i hope you all find peace with it, and happiness in your futures.

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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#45999 - 02/20/03 07:29 PM Re: Why didn't you tell?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Why didn't I tell ?

It was something new.
I was asked to do it.
He was bigger than me.
It was sex.
Grown ups did sex.
It was a secret.

Then I began not liking it, and I did tell.

I wasn't believed.
I was punished for lying.
It got worse, more boys and a teacher joined in.
If I 'joined in' I didn't get beaten up.
I 'joined in'for about four years.
It was sex, ( did I enjoy it? )

Then it stopped when I was 16.

I gradually realised it wasn't quite right.
I felt shame, guilt, betrayal, inadequate, perverted, dirty, ashamed, lost and confused.
Most of all I was frightened of being exactly the same as them.

Was I about to tell anyone ?
The hell I was !!!

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#46000 - 02/20/03 09:32 PM Re: Why didn't you tell?
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
I did not tell because he would have killed me for sure.

I did not tell because he was the biggest, most muscular handsomest man I had ever seen,

I did not tell because it I had been asked I would have told them that I liked the first part, giving oral sex, and after all, no one likes that kind of thing, that is why no one but me ever does it.

I did not tell because I did not know that the police would done anything if I did tell.

I did not tell because my parents adored the guy as did many others--I would have been considered really sick to have talked about such things.

I did not tell because I was certain that no one in the world had had that done to them--just the dogs do that, but it is funny to watch the dogs. It was not funny for me.

I did not tell because I thought that if I did tell all the people that were important to me would think I was a pervert.

I did not tell, because even though, I still wanted to live--or better yet, I was afraid to be killed.

I get pissed having to explain this question to almost ever non-survivor I tell, including one therapist.

But no one can shut me up today!!

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#46001 - 02/20/03 10:32 PM Re: Why didn't you tell?
orodo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
I did not tell:

Because he was a Priest, a Catholic Priest, and it was God's man on Earth. It was "ok". After all, I was in the Church when he touched me, so God must have approved. What would Mom say? What would Dad say? What would Memere and Pepere think (Grandmother and Grandfather) Hell, I walked in on him and another boy, and they seemed to be having fun, so it must be ok.

When I was 10, I chose to tell the after school care provider's son, the next door neighbor, who was 17 or so. He told me he liked to play those games too. He wanted to show me how to have more fun than what Father had shown me. So my first experience at telling turned into more abuse.

When I was 20, I came home drunk, wearing make-up, dressed up like you would not believe. Dad confronted me. I told them I liked to hang out with gay friends because I thought I might be gay. And I told them I was turning out gay since I'd been jerked off by a priest since I was able to receive the Body of Christ. So Dad told me to get some "help" and go to confession, at the same Church where I was originally abused. He made me go or I would have to move out, hand over the car keys, and kiss the college money goodbye. So I went. I told the Priest my "sins" and what "I" had done with Father. This Priest told me to "forgive and forget" what Father had done. He told me to pray for forgiveness, and to stop drinking. He never did give me absolution. So much for telling within the "Statute of Limitations." Just last November, the Priest to whom I had "confessed my sins" was removed from ministry due to accusations from a seminarian abused about the same time my abuse was going on. ho hum.

So i did tell. It did no good.

_________________________
It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

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#46002 - 02/21/03 12:28 AM Re: Why didn't you tell?
ecb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 205
In short, I did not tell at first because I didn't know I should. I didn't like what was going on, but life's full of things you don't like.

I didn't tell because he was one of the big kids and he liked spending time with me when other big kids didn't want to play with a little kid.

Eventually, when I was about 16 I began to realize the enormity of what had happened, but I still didn't tell. I was ashamed. I had wanted to play with the big kids so I wanted it right? I enjoyed it, so I was gay right? I didn't want anyone to know what I had done. So I still didn't tell. It's in the past right? It can't hurt me anymore, right?

Even once I began to realize that it had effected me so hugely I didn't tell. Because I need to be strong and tough. They cannot know that I was ever vulnerable, ever in a situation where I couldn't control anything, not even my own body.

That is why I didn't tell.


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#46003 - 02/21/03 02:38 AM Re: Why didn't you tell?
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
I have found so much help in just the short time I have visited this site!!!! I've been in and out of therapy for over 7+ years but felt most of the time I was educating my therapist more than he helped me. But as I read your posts, things click here and there and light shines into the corners of my room - THANKS GUYS!!!

Why didn't I tell? Well, I did. My mom found my female cousin 8 years older than me in sexual play (me: 4yrs - she: 12 yrs.). Calmy said "Go outside and play out there." She didn't say what we did was wrong. My male cousin invited me to have sex on a sleepover at his house. I was 4-5 and he was 10yrs. At some point it seemed not right to me. When I got home I told my mom what had happened and she beat the heck out of me and screamed "You're a dirty, nasty boy - don't ever do that again!!" She wouldn't listen to me. My male cousin kept doing sexual things to me and me to him. I told my father and he beat me threatening to take me to the police and have me "put away" with all the bad people in jail. I tried to tell but just realized I was a really bad kid and everything was my fault! So, unprotected, I secretly did what I thought was my lot in life and had sex with everybody. Who could I tell?

Whenever I was caught, it was always with Eleanor, Sally, Joyce, Janette and awfully beat like you wouldn't believe. I was never caught with Carl, Eddie, Albert, Mike, Joe so I was never punished. Finally, when I was 12, I was caught having sex with a female family friend and my parents heaped on the guilt and shame - blamed me for being a pervert, "ruining the family name" and made me promise never to "do t- h-a-t (sex) thing again". From 12 to 20 I had sex with only guys!! What was to tell? Who could I tell? It wasn't until I was 42 yrs old and married 18 years that I realized - reading a book over breakfast in a restaurant - that I was sexually abused by multiple perps - even remembered being raped along the RR tracks when I was 8 yrs. by some red haired 14 yr. old (only the last 10 years I didn't get furious whenever I saw a red head!). I wept and wept over my eggs - in public (embarrassing but I didn't care!).
Why didn't I tell? Why did I keep the secret?

The real kicker? When I was 48 yrs old my mom shared (only once) that she was sexually molested from 8 through 13 yrs. by my uncle and his friends. Yeap, the father of my perps (cousins). When she told her parents they blamed her and held her responsible. She never told another soul until she was past 60.

I really feel upset as I recount the destruction of lives in my family. No one speaks to each other today. My dad, as far as I know, never knew of my mom's secret. I still don't fully understand why - all of a sudden - she told only me!

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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