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#459850 - 01/31/14 02:46 PM Sexual charge post trauma
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 122
Hi y'all,

I've recognized a pattern in myself and I'm wondering if it's typical of men who've been hurt in a sexual way by their mothers (or perhaps its true of all survivors of childhood sexual abuse).

Recently, my mother claimed that there had been something wrong with my mind while I was struggling with my physical illness. It was a rather subtle way to call me "Crazy". She has done this more obviously in the past as well.

A couple of days later I felt an intense urge to watch porn and masturbate. This is very unusual for me. I haven't felt this way, nor masturbated for many years. When I recognized it as a fearful response to my mother's label, the urges disappeared! I've been told by my abuse therapist, that children often masturbate when they feel threatened. It keeps their energy low (and hence are less of a disturbance to parents). I'm thinking that this old way of responding to a threat (the "crazy" label) was what was happening to me. Once I recognized the threat, the need to dump my energy disappeared!

Do any of you experience this?

Sincerely,

"GAATT"
_________________________
"Love yourself and watch...Today, Tomorrow, Always." Buddha.

My Story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468661#Post468661

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#459882 - 02/01/14 02:25 AM Re: Sexual charge post trauma [Re: gaatt]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 679
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
I had decades of compulsive, anonymous sex--mostly glory holes. I started remembering paternal abuse at 53 and maternal abuse at 63. I didn't make the kind of progress I was expecting based on my efforts until I was able to move into the feeling level of early childhood abuse. This only started two months ago, and finally I feel large segments of my damaged personality shifting slowly.

It couldn't happen until I was able to surface the sexual abuse, physical abuse, and torture from my mother. No wonder it was the last to surface. It took 9 months after beginning to remember before my inner world reconfigured to I could move to the feeling level of my young self. Now, in my imagination I am able to hold my infant self and communicate the caring and safety I did not receive from my mother. It is healing, and I know from other experiences it will be cumulative.

Bringing your experiences into awareness as you are doing seems to me to be exciting evidence of a clearing process for you. I don't know what you need, but my experience is what I need shows up right on schedule.

Best of luck to you.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#459920 - 02/01/14 11:12 AM Re: Sexual charge post trauma [Re: gaatt]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 336
Loc: NY
Gaatt:

Yes, this is also seems to me like growing awareness. Being able to realize things on the level of charge and energy is a good place to gain more ground on what can seem at first haunting and mystifying.

I have no doubt that many others have seen me in a state of confusion. One of the struggles I have in therapy is revealing both my confusion and my clarity. Sometimes they exist side by side. As painful as that can be, this also seems like progress.

It can be frightening to explore the crazy-making dynamic from which this also emerges. Sometimes, if I'm brave enough,the moments of clarity allow me to glimpse the confusion, how it began and how it continues. Even a little information can go a long way.

All the best on your continuing recovery.

FB


Edited by focusedbody (02/01/14 11:13 AM)
Edit Reason: spelling
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#459939 - 02/01/14 03:12 PM Re: Sexual charge post trauma [Re: gaatt]
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 122
Thanks Guys! :-)

GAATT
_________________________
"Love yourself and watch...Today, Tomorrow, Always." Buddha.

My Story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468661#Post468661

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#459942 - 02/01/14 04:37 PM Re: Sexual charge post trauma [Re: gaatt]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3333
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: gaatt

Do any of you experience this?

Sincerely,

"GAATT"


yes.
many times.
frequently in the past.
recently, not so often.
now, it rarely occurs.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#459957 - 02/01/14 07:55 PM Re: Sexual charge post trauma [Re: gaatt]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3378
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: gaatt
... A couple of days later I felt an intense urge to watch porn and masturbate. ... When I recognized it as a fearful response to my mother's label, the urges disappeared! I've been told by my abuse therapist, that children often masturbate when they feel threatened. It keeps their energy low (and hence are less of a disturbance to parents). I'm thinking that this old way of responding to a threat (the "crazy" label) was what was happening to me. Once I recognized the threat, the need to dump my energy disappeared!

Do any of you experience this?


i don't know if this is similar or not - but at the same times - immediately before and after - some of my abuse memories returned, i felt hyper-sexual. it was weird because it was not something that consciously turned me on - but i was aroused in spite of the unpleasantness of the memories. and then i felt disgusted with myself for being aroused by such sick events. i now think what might have been happening is that my adult body was reacting physiologically to memories of sensations i felt as a child. i am not even sure that i felt aroused when it first happened. some of those memories of reactions may be repressed as well. but i think that some of the confusion is the mature response to an immature memory or sensation.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#460002 - 02/02/14 02:54 PM Re: Sexual charge post trauma [Re: traveler]
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 122
Hi Lee,

This sounds quite similar to my experience. My attitude towards porn has always been ambivalent at best and usually quite negative. I think that my mother's negativity towards male sexuality influenced my attitude towards my own (not that porn is generally a particularly healthy expression of a loving sexuality however). So for me to experience a strong desire for porn is far from what I feel comfortable with.

Thanks for sharing your experience with me. It's good to know that I'm not alone in this.

Sincerely,

"GAATT"
_________________________
"Love yourself and watch...Today, Tomorrow, Always." Buddha.

My Story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468661#Post468661

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#464130 - 04/15/14 07:06 PM Re: Sexual charge post trauma [Re: gaatt]
nuriah Offline


Registered: 02/11/14
Posts: 3
I've experienced this, turning to porn or simply masturbation in response to stress in general. I've also wanted to escape away into porn/masturbation as a stress response when visiting or being visited by my parents.

I've also turned to sex in general when I've been physically ill (flu, cold, etc).

Something helpful that I've read in more than one resource is that the healthy order of operations is to be relaxed, and then to be sexual. Being sexual in response to being stressed can be a flag that something is up.

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#464159 - 04/16/14 01:45 PM Re: Sexual charge post trauma [Re: gaatt]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1965
Loc: durham, north england
Myself, I have learnt to view the business much more rationally. Mb is my control.

I was never shamed by my parents about s/x or my physical reactions, indeed both parents explained quite kindly in quite medical detail when i was 10 what mb was and how if I woke up and found my pajamas wet I wasn't to think I'd wet the bed or be ashmed, ---- yee gods that seems almost like another person now.

When the gang rape and s/xual abuse started at my secondary school, I quickly learnt that having an uprovoked physical reaction, ie an e//////n would lead to bad things happening, and that this was something I could not stop, indeed this is likely why I am now genophobic.

i remember quite literally having my body react while my mind was utterly divorced from the proceedings.

My one outlet for control was mb. Once I realized what I was doing I worked out that if I mb'd every day, I reduced the chances of those reactions and thus reduced the likelihood of abuse.

I pretty much still view mb that way. If I neglect it for a few days, I risk nightmares or reactions that make me uncomfortable, sinse unfortunately I have to admit that I do have a libido for all I don't particularly want one.

Maybe this would be different if I ever had a positive experience of making love, but that is pretty much not going to happen, so as it is mb is just like cleaning the toilet. It's disgusting, but it needs doing and the longer it is neglected the bigger the stink.

Of course my genophobia makes anything like porn out of the question anyway, indeed though i do think about women while mb'ing it is entirely in the abstract.

I'm not entirely happy with this situation, but then again I'm not happy with being genophboic either and I'm pretty much stuck with both, so mb is just a necessary biological function like going to the toilet. Painful if I neglect it but ultimately of little to no relevance or importance.

I'm not sure if any of this is helpful, but I do wonder how many other people use mb as a direct control over unpleasant physical reactions, sinse after all being male makes those reactions obvious to abusers so it is reasonable to reduce them to something manageable.

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#464302 - 04/20/14 02:33 PM Re: Sexual charge post trauma [Re: dark empathy]
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 122
HI Dark Empathy,

Originally Posted By: dark empathy
I do wonder how many other people use mb as a direct control over unpleasant physical reactions, sinse after all being male makes those reactions obvious to abusers so it is reasonable to reduce them to something manageable.


I've recently seen that I use mb to avoid feeling angry. With mb I don't have the energy to feel the anger and hence don't have to face the real or imagined boundary violation that I'm experiencing. Once I see this pattern and where it begins I can start working on breaking out of it.

I haven't noticed a connection with avoiding physical signs of arousal.

Sincerely,

"GAATT"
_________________________
"Love yourself and watch...Today, Tomorrow, Always." Buddha.

My Story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468661#Post468661

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#464319 - 04/21/14 06:31 AM Re: Sexual charge post trauma [Re: gaatt]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1965
Loc: durham, north england
Well Gaat, I can accept different people feel different things. This is part of my genophobia I suspect, sinse to me all those sorts of reactions bring a sense of disgust or utter panic.

I can't actually analyse my own state during mb sinse it's pretty much just about taking care of business. It exists in and of itself with very little by way of attached thought or logical consequences, I just sit around thinking my abstracted thoughts and relieve what needs relieving, that is pretty much all.

I have considdered resorting to a prostitute at some points, if nothing else because of morbid curiosity, however I just can't imagine a situation where I could actually go through with things with no emotional connection to the person in question without feeling a very gnum sense of panic, indeed as far as what I would hope from a relationship I can't imagine anything more intermit than holding hands, cuddling or kissing without it triggering my genophobic reflexes.

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#464341 - 04/21/14 03:03 PM Re: Sexual charge post trauma [Re: dark empathy]
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 122
Hi Dark Empathy,

I actually considered hiring a prostitute and/or massage therapist too, to explore the 3 week sleeping together healing routine (no sex) described here: http://www.reuniting.info/node/1734

I wasn't able to get support that way (It seems to be a totally foreign concept to anyone: too intimate!), but I did run into an interesting agency which might be able to do something helpful (See:http://www.sensualsolutions.ca/companionship/). Unfortunately they are too far away to be of any help to me and there is nothing similar where I live. Maybe there is something like this where you live?

I've done some healing touch stuff (reflexology is very safe, Quantum Touch or Reiki are more involved but still pretty safe) and I hire a massage therapist. That seems to help.

My recent experiment with a partner in healing backfired rather badly, but I did learn about setting boundaries. Now I'm focussing on loving my body any way I can on my own and seeing where that leads.

I hope this helps.

Sincerely,

"GAATT"
_________________________
"Love yourself and watch...Today, Tomorrow, Always." Buddha.

My Story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468661#Post468661

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#464381 - 04/22/14 04:59 AM Re: Sexual charge post trauma [Re: gaatt]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1965
Loc: durham, north england
Well again we come back to the therapy question of any sort. The real problem for me is that any touch is uncomfortable, indeed the only times I can do something like hug someone with no freze reflex is when I'm trying to focus on someone else. I did this recently in a performance I was helping out with, finished up having three separate people (two female one male), break down and cry all over me, and as usual I ended up providiing support for others, but the sort of mutually pleasurable cummunicative touch that others enjoy is so alien to me as to be nearly impossible, indeed even people talking about s/x in my presance unless I am shielding myself triggers my genophobic panic.

Loving my body in a solo sense is not really something that gives me trouble. I already lift weights and run and peroform exercises in order to maintain my voice, that is just necessity, my problem is to do entirely with interacting with others, not with being alone.

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#464418 - 04/22/14 02:58 PM Re: Sexual charge post trauma [Re: dark empathy]
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 122
Wow! That is challenging! I hear you on defaulting to focus on the needs of others. I do pretty much exactly the same thing with most women. My needs (non-sexual touch and healthy bonding (healing early childhood trauma)) usually go unrecognized and usually go unmet unless I make a very concerted effort to speak about them and/or satisfy them in any way I can by myself.

I wish I had some ideas for you.

These last few days I've been reading a book by Osho called "Love, Freedom, Aloneness: The Koan of Relationships". In it, he claims that Buddha's primary sutra in the Dhammapada states: "Love yourself and watch - today, tomorrow, always". So loving self is the first step. He emphasized that very strongly in the text. I'm not sure how that would work exactly for you, but perhaps you (or your dreams at night or your body) do.

Thanks for writing. Best wishes for your full healing too!

Sincerely,

GAATT
_________________________
"Love yourself and watch...Today, Tomorrow, Always." Buddha.

My Story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468661#Post468661

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