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#459822 - 01/31/14 08:40 AM Recalled repressed memory
pete1973 Offline


Registered: 01/02/14
Posts: 41
Loc: Ontario, Canada
I don't know if there is any relevance to my post but I just wanted to say that since I have been in therapy for about a month now and pretty intensive as I have been in counselling for over a year I recalled a repressed memory that I blocked out for almost 29 years and it was a very intense and hurtful memory. I also recall how much I was crying when I reported the abuse, only because my aunt told me about the crying, I remember having a hard time telling her but I thought it was just because I was 11 and didn't really know how to explain what happened. I know and will admit that since then I am afraid of showing any emotion that may make me look or feel weak and I think this is why I repressed this memory because at the moment of this memory was like probably the most terrified I have ever felt, it was like every possibly bad feeling you could have all at that one moment and if bothers me thinking of it so I am stopping writing now.

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#459823 - 01/31/14 08:55 AM Re: Recalled repressed memory [Re: pete1973]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Pete - of course your post is relevant! that was a very significant memory to recall - and the emotions would have to be extremely intense. unfortunately, revealing the abuse event originally can be really difficult as well - sometimes almost as hard as the abuse itself. the good news is that exposing the memory - though it is traumatic in itself - can also be the beginning of restoration. its like expelling the infection from a festering wound before healing begins. and your deduction that this may be why you are reluctant to demonstrate emotions seems to be a likely explanation. your description in the last sentence sounds just like what i felt when i first regained the memories as an adult. in my experience, it does get less difficult to deal with. keep on working at it. you have obviously made progress and will continue to get better.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#459824 - 01/31/14 08:57 AM Re: Recalled repressed memory [Re: pete1973]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 605
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Pete. I didn't begin to remember paternal sexual abuse until age 53 and maternal sexual abuse until age 63. My experience is there is a very natural and organic built-in healing process in me. It seems to be on auto-pilot and just keeps on working. If this is just coming up now, I would guess it means it is timely for you and you are ready to handle it. However, that scared little boy in you needs to know you will not ask more than he can deliver. Rushing is not helpful at all, in my opinion.

Congratulations on being able to verbalize here. I've read many times in many ways 'better out than in.' I find that true for myself. Verbalize as often as you are comfortable with it, and give yourself permission to move at your own pace. There is a lot of experience around you. I hope you are able to be gentle with yourself.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#459831 - 01/31/14 11:43 AM Re: Recalled repressed memory [Re: pete1973]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3132
Loc: O Kanada
my abuse was over 35 years ago.
my memories are still surfacing.
new memories, new details, new reactions, all these keep popping up, although far less frequently.

they seem to have a life of their own.
coming and going on their own schedule,
regardless of my efforts to recall or repress them.

your post is very relevant.

_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#459832 - 01/31/14 11:50 AM Re: Recalled repressed memory [Re: pete1973]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
Pete:

I didn't recall the CSA until fifty seven years after it happened! Like Don mentioned, one recalls when your mind is ready for it. I still have unanswered questions about my childhood experience, but I'm not trying to force finding the answers, lest I start imagining things that didn't necessarily occur.

The main benefit of my recall is that it has helped explain behaviors that I couldn't figure out before. They just didn't make sense, in relation to my personality, or in relation to my affective life. I've been able to fill in some very important pieces in the puzzle of my life. I feel much better about myself and have learned to love myself "as is"...warts and all.

_________________________
Jay

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#459837 - 01/31/14 12:26 PM Re: Recalled repressed memory [Re: pete1973]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 270
Give this a read

Betrayal trauma : Traumatic amnesia as an adaptive responsive to childhood abuse. By Jennifer J. Freyd , Oregon University

http://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/articles/freyd94.pdf

Stay strong and brave.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#459911 - 02/01/14 08:57 AM Re: Recalled repressed memory [Re: pete1973]
pete1973 Offline


Registered: 01/02/14
Posts: 41
Loc: Ontario, Canada
I remember and have vividly remembered most of both incidents at ages 11 and 18. There are "gaps" in the timelines from the start to the end of the days of each but what I don't recall was either irrelevant or too overwhelming to consciously hold on to like these 2 recalled memories, at least this is what I think my mind is doing. I just feel like, as I explained to my T, is that I hold on to these memories so when I have strange dreams or my mind wanders into dark places that I can recall what happened and know that was the reality of what happened and not let my negative thoughts let me feel like things were worse than what they were. It's a shitty reality to hold onto but better than the reality my mind seems to try to create in my dreams. I figured out by the time I was 13 how to wake myself from a dream but I still can't control them and stay with happy thoughts and sometimes even though I have awaken from the dream it still feels real in my mind.

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#460006 - 02/02/14 04:40 PM Re: Recalled repressed memory [Re: pete1973]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 270
Memories of abuse are like a phantom limb pain, even though the limb is gone in this case the abuse. You still feel the pain, and relive it, read up on post traumatic disorder.
Slowly,my friend. Slowly you will retrieve all those things, baby steps....Were here to help.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#460062 - 02/03/14 01:18 PM Re: Recalled repressed memory [Re: pete1973]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
I remembered a couple years ago. I can only say it was slow and unexpected. I was peacefully living without vivid recollection. I had dreams, thn just started to remember fragments. Taste. Smell. Weird. Disgusting.

I have stopped wondering about it. I know it happened. And dredging it up any more has no value to me. I know enough to explain some of the mysteries in why I acted the way I did for so long. Not that I am cured as to say, just less mystified.

Best wishes on dealing with the faucet of past memories. I hope you can control it. I personally did not like at all remembering. I don't even think of it much. Just too messed up.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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