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#459796 - 01/30/14 06:55 PM Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 203
Found this online, thought it might help! smile

From a wholistic perspective, sexual health includes emotional, psychological, physical, intellectual and spiritual dimensions. The following are characteristics of sexually healthy adults however sexual health is developed over a life‐ span, from cradle to grave. Integrating sexuality into one’s life in a balanced way is a life‐time endeavor.

http://www.health.state.mn.us/topics/sexualhealth/characteristics.pdf

Communication

Interact with all genders in appropriate and respectful ways
Communicate effectively with family and friends
Ask questions of other adults about sexual issues, when necessary
Are able to communicate and negotiate sexual limits
Communicate respectfully their desires to have sex and not to have sex
Accept refusals of sex without hostility or feeling insulted
Can physically express feelings of attraction and desire in ways that do not focus on the genitals (ex: holding, caressing, kissing, etc.)
Talk with a partner about sexual activity before it occurs, including limits, contraceptive and condom use, and meaning in the relationship
Communicate with partners their intentions for the relationship (ex: only dating, want marriage)
Listen to and respect others’ boundaries and limits
Are sensitive to non-verbal cues of others’ boundaries and limits

Relationships

Develop friendships that do not have a sexual agenda
Avoid exploitative relationships
Choose partners who are responsible, trustworthy, safe and giving
Can be sexually intimate without being physical (ex: talk about sexual feelings, verbally express attraction, do things that awaken desire in partner)
Can express themselves in ways other than genitally (ex: holding, caressing, kissing, etc.)
Take personal responsibility for their own boundaries

Self-Esteem, Self-Worth

Appreciate their own bodies
Are sensually aware and able to stay conscious in their bodies
Can touch their own bodies without feeling shame or disgust
Allow themselves to experience pleasurable sensual and sexual feelings
Have the capacity to nurture themselves and others, and accept nurturing from others
Feel joy in sexual experiences of their choosing
Know when they need touch rather than sex and try to get their needs for touch met appropriately
Have a developed sense of self, an understanding of who they are
Enjoy sexual feelings without necessarily acting upon them
Accept refusals of sex without hostility or feeling personally insulted
Allow themselves to be vulnerable
Are comfortable with their sexual identity and orientation
Are becoming aware of the impact of negative sexual experiences such as sexual abuse, and the impact of negative cultural messages on their sexual development
Are taking steps to address issues that have arisen as a result of past experiences
Feel confident in their ability to set appropriate boundaries
Realize that, by working through sexual issues, individuals may heal psychological and emotional wounding from past experiences and damaging beliefs.

Education

Realize the consequences of sexual activity
Comprehend the impact of media messages on thoughts, feelings, values, and behaviors related to sexuality
Understand that the drive for sex is powerful and can be integrated into one’s life in positive and healthy ways
Respect the right of all people to enjoy and engage in the full range of consensual, non-exploitive sexual behaviors
Values

Decide on what is personally “right” and act on these values
Demonstrate tolerance for people with different values
Are not threatened by others with sexual orientation different from theirs
Show respect to others whose cultural values, ethnic heritage, age, socioeconomic status, religion, and gender are different from theirs

Contraception, Protection, Body Integrity

Take responsibility for their own bodies and their own orgasms
If sexually active, use contraception effectively to avoid unplanned pregnancy and use condoms and safer sex to avoid contracting or spreading a sexually transmitted disease
Practice health-promoting behaviors, such as regular checkups, breast or testicular self-exams, regular and routine testing for STDs

Spirituality

Honor the sacred aspect of sexual union
Understand that sexual energy is not separate from being human
Understand that sexual union is one way human beings connect body and soul

Created by Hadsall and Associates 2001, revised 2010


Edited by justplainme (01/30/14 06:56 PM)
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#459797 - 01/30/14 07:03 PM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1363
Loc: California
That's quite a tall order.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

-- I must remind myself that sugar is my enemy. I can't control my sugar consumption and sugar makes me mentally unstable. I'm reminding myself (because I forgot again).

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#459798 - 01/30/14 08:14 PM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 545
I don't think I could tick two in a row at any point...

Something to work on.
_________________________
The ratio of good to bad people in this world will always be tipped in favor of the latter. Always. But that ratio in your own social circle, you can control. And there, and only there, can the balance be favorably tipped, so that those who love you far outnumber those who don't.

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#459802 - 01/30/14 09:00 PM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 203
Hey... a thousand mile journey begins with one step, trust me guy's I'm just as perplexed at the profoundness of health, but i think this list is equally difficult for people who have not been exposed to the sexual abusive situations we were. In any case we ALL struggle with this. But nonetheless why not have the list in handy? smile


Edited by justplainme (01/30/14 09:08 PM)
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#459803 - 01/30/14 09:06 PM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 545
smile
_________________________
The ratio of good to bad people in this world will always be tipped in favor of the latter. Always. But that ratio in your own social circle, you can control. And there, and only there, can the balance be favorably tipped, so that those who love you far outnumber those who don't.

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#459805 - 01/30/14 09:45 PM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1433
Definitely comprehensive list. There was one line that is so near to my heart and has been a guiding force in my healing

"Choose partners who are responsible, trustworthy, safe and giving"

I think finding the right person will allow the other characteristics to be achieved.

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#459808 - 01/31/14 02:22 AM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 222
Loc: Ohio
Great list, thanks.

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#459814 - 01/31/14 07:15 AM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
bey Offline


Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 178
Loc: canada
I was quite pleased with how many of these I could say yes to! Some sections I did really "well" on, others I said no to all of them. I am far from sexually healthy, but I'm obviously not totally sexually broken either.
My partner looked at the list and he had to say no to almost as many as me, and he had a lovely, abuse free childhood. So ya, I think its something everyone can work on.
Thanks for sharing smile
_________________________
Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight
Got to kick at the darkness 'till it bleeds daylight

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#459821 - 01/31/14 08:39 AM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 203
My pleasure people smile
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

Top
#459897 - 02/01/14 06:49 AM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1866
Loc: durham, north england
Lists like this pis me off since they asume everyone knows what they're talking about and can act on them. I'm sick and tired of reading about "choosing partners" and "dating" and no sodding idea how to do either since nobody has been sodding interested!

if you ask me the most "s/xually healthy" thing I could possibly do is not have a libido at all, and if you gave me a magic wand which would remove all that from me I'd take it.

S/x I just find disgusting or down right scary, it's something I don't want and it's dam unfare that my stupid body saddled me with it, particularly since there's sod all I can do about changing my attitude alone, but there's sod all I can to about finding someone else because of that very genophobia.


So, lists like this are dam stupid at least to me, and frankly I hate the assumption behind it that everyone has free choice and that the problem is just making the right choices, these lists are written by smug liberal idiots who sit their with their happy little relationships and honest discussions of nudity and multiple partners and modern art and post modern readings of literature and other ultra cool hip things that show how adult and trendy and with it they are, (believe me, I was president of my university's philosophy soceity and had to sit through several talks on stupid things like this, ---- which for a genophobe like me were horrible!).

Well hear's a news flash to all those self rightious
Well here's a news flash to all those self indulgent smug self rightious snobby pigs!

Some of us are just too damageed to "understand freely and share in the beautiful world of adult relationship crap!" so sod you! I hope you all get ciphalus and die horribly!

Oh and yes, another bad day, like all the others before, and reading such self satisfied ship doesn't help either!

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#459899 - 02/01/14 06:59 AM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: dark empathy]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2972
Loc: O Kanada
i am with you on this dark empathy.
although i would say i am not angry about it,
i feel left out, because i know i will never be a "Sexually healthy Adult".
lists such as this only point out what is wrong with me.
then i have to deal with resentment.

the besit i can do is control my speech and actions,
but my thoughts are all over the map.

i doubt i will ever completely overcome and forget my childhood.
it lives on inside me.
regardless of how "recovered" i feel,
the memories still pop up at random.
invading my mind. intruding.
the only thing that changes is how i react.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#459902 - 02/01/14 07:39 AM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1866
Loc: durham, north england
I find it very hard not to be angry about this, since I'm just pissed off that everything I have done and everything I have been to has changed nothing for and my circumstances. I'm exactly where I was when I was 19, indeed I'm probably worse off now since I no longer believe it'll just randomly and magically happen to me like it did to everyone else!

I hate how easy it is for everyone else to have the sort of experience I want, especially women! and for some self obsessed scumbag to just waltz in and say how easy everything is and how it's all about the right choices just seems utterly unfair.

I'm sick of recovery, sick of getting no where and sick of being stuck with this! I'm also sick of everyone just talking in alien language that I can't understand. What the hell is a date! and what makes it different from just spending time! but I've been asking those some sodding questions for 7 years on this site and for years before then and nobody gives me an answer I can understand, so sod the hole thing!

This is exactly why I quit the site a couple of months ago, since I just feel dam frustrated and tired of the hole thing and all I basically do is repeat these stupid questions and get no answer.

This is why I quit this site a couple of months ago and am only back because everything has gone to hell, ---- if things weren't bad enough.

STill,

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#459916 - 02/01/14 10:56 AM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2972
Loc: O Kanada
it hurts me to hear you talk like that.
i can feel the pain in your words.
you seem to be in a very dark place.
you have my empathy!

that was a sad attempt and a pitiful effort to reach out to you personally.

i don't know if it helps, but i can honestly tell you that i was in your mood so often and so frequently in the past, that i thought i was always going to be that way.
i was wrong.
it ended.
i have not felt like that for so long now,
i can only remember it when i read in other survivors' posts.

please believe me...
if you want happiness,
and you are willing to work for it,
and you keep working for it,
YOU WILL EVNETUALLY BE HAPPY!

it is not the external conditions that change,
the ugliness and miseries and injustices continue.
but your perception and perspective will evolve as you grow.

i am happy. i never thought i would be.
from your position that is hard to see.
i just don't want you to give up.

you are worth the struggle!
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#459921 - 02/01/14 11:19 AM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1363
Loc: California
Dark Empathy,

You know, I have felt EXACTLY the same way. I hope you remember some of my posts here. I've never had a romantic relationship, and at my age of 42, I still don't even know how romantic relationships work as a concept. I also resent people who throw those "positive!" quotes on facebook about how we all are completely responsible for the conditions of our lives, and we create our own reality!

Really now. The poor children and women of the congo who get their arms and legs chopped off are responsible for their own reality? HORSE SHIT! People need to consider how damaging thoughts like this are to those of us who are BORN suffering and know nothing but suffering until they die. Babies die of AIDS in Africa, still. People who think that we all create our own realities tend to forget that those who suffer even exist.

I am grappling with this philosophically right now. I have personally come to terms that I *need* to believe in some system of the Universe (higher power?), but that same system has to allow for chaos that results in senseless destruction. SHIT HAPPENS. There is NOT a "reason for everything", and NO not all things happen for a reason. There is chaos in the universe, and as a result, that chaos impacts our lives.

As for our predicament; we don't know what everyone else is talking about when they're talking about things romantic and intimate. I surely would like to know what it is. I have been told by many many sources over my 42 years to find things I love. I think I've mistranslated that for a long time. I think they meant; try to find things I love ABOUT MYSELF. I haven't understood this until recently, why this is important. When I think on other people, and aspects that I admire about them, they are characteristics that I can identify, appreciate, and experience an empathy for having had the experience of growing and cultivating that characteristic. It tells me something deep and meaningful about that person by just knowing and appreciating the characteristic.

Finding something to love in myself is exactly that process. For instance, I have come to appreciate, and even love my capacity for honesty. I admire and love that characteristic in others. I have it in me. And so I've chosen to cultivate it; know it. How it impacts my life and other people around me. What that part of me does is powerful. I have come to love it.

In the process of coming to appreciate, know, and love ourselves, we walk into the space of being able to relate to others in that intimate way that you and I so desire, yet have never had.

This past couple of months have been really something for me. I'm starting to comprehend what relationships might look like in my life. But they're so fundamentally dependent on my loving and appreciating myself first. I can't share the best parts of myself with others if I can't identify and appreciate them first myself.

When people do that while interacting with other people, that is when romantic possibilities start to present themselves. You won't have to "figure it out", nor will someone have to instruct you on what it is. You'll just know.

My advice to you (and to me, and to every survivor on this board) is to identify and cultivate those character aspects in yourself that you like about yourself. I've identified a couple already; honesty. Humility. We're all perseverant, and resilient, too. Take the time to think on these character aspects you own, cultivate them, appreciate them. Know the impact that you have in the world because of them. This is where we can find value in ourselves, and self esteem, and appreciate our presence in the world. And from this we can come to love ourselves and then love others as recovered and whole.

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

-- I must remind myself that sugar is my enemy. I can't control my sugar consumption and sugar makes me mentally unstable. I'm reminding myself (because I forgot again).

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#459933 - 02/01/14 01:42 PM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
Truart Offline


Registered: 01/25/14
Posts: 14
Word Dark Empathy and magellan.

People seem to believe that there is a divine justice in life. That everyone starts off equal and that you are responsible for what you do. I guess people can't fathom the concept that some people just get crushed and grinded down to dust and thrown into the ditch. For some it would mean their success is just being born into the right family, and for others, just being born into the wrong family.

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#459936 - 02/01/14 02:59 PM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2972
Loc: O Kanada
i have been giving this some thought, and i came up with this...

if my damage was physical and visible (i.e. paraplegic in a wheelchair) then reading about how to get maximum efficiency out of my legs so i can become a marathon runner, or studying which leg exercises will increase my chances for a gold medal in speed skating... well, you get the idea...

there are some things i can't do, and there are some things i will never be able to do.
reading a book about how to get through pregnancy and childbirth would only have abstract value to me.
i will never have to deal with that directly.

some things are not written for us,
and simply do not apply to survivors.
that does not mean they are not worth writing,
and it does not mean that they were published to hurt us.

undamaged people have a right to their worldview.
as many as we are, we are not the majority.
one of life's bitter truths.

it does not make everything ok, but it makes it easier to handle.

hope this made sense.


_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#459937 - 02/01/14 03:04 PM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 203
That's fucked up Darkempathy, i validate your anger mate, and good freaking points.

I grieve for all of us when i say, I understand.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

Top
#459949 - 02/01/14 06:36 PM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: victor-victim]
On The Fringe Online   content


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 273
Loc: Southeast USA
Originally Posted By: victor-victim
i have been giving this some thought, and i came up with this...

if my damage was physical and visible (i.e. paraplegic in a wheelchair) then reading about how to get maximum efficiency out of my legs so i can become a marathon runner, or studying which leg exercises will increase my chances for a gold medal in speed skating... well, you get the idea...

there are some things i can't do, and there are some things i will never be able to do.
reading a book about how to get through pregnancy and childbirth would only have abstract value to me.
i will never have to deal with that directly.

some things are not written for us,
and simply do not apply to survivors.
that does not mean they are not worth writing,
and it does not mean that they were published to hurt us.

undamaged people have a right to their worldview.
as many as we are, we are not the majority.
one of life's bitter truths.

it does not make everything ok, but it makes it easier to handle.

hope this made sense.




Very well said. It is to all mine to have or experience. I enjoy what I can and am thankful.

I may have precious little, but it's still precious.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#459954 - 02/01/14 07:40 PM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1866
Loc: durham, north england
@MAgellan, I appreciate the thought, and that is remarkably similar to what a very great tenore told me about music. the problem is however I am just sick of dealing with myself and I am not convinced it'll do any good.

I know my reactions, I'm even comfortable with genophobi, I know my demons and how they affect me. the problem is knolidge doesn't do anything! I can sit and think happythoughts about me until the cows come home, and I've been trying that for years. The problem is that does sod all! people have always told me how nice I am, how kind, how insert complement here, indeed if I had got a relationship everytime someone told me I ought to have one I'd be rather like King solomon and casanova combined. The problem is none of this seems to mean anything, and the only answer seems to be in that alien teretory that everyone else seems to get, not a complementive answer (I'm dam sick of contemplating), but a practical one, but one I just can't understand!

This is why I'm frustrated, particularly because I know where I female everything would be so much easier, as men do all the work and take all the difficult initiation steps and the things I find impossible, while women just sit around and have all the power.

@Victor, The problem with just coming to terms with this is that whateve however much I have tried to convince myself, I know intimate relations for me arn'eT! impossible. I know if someone just helped me in the way women get help with this, I it is something I could experience. I have examined myself to the core and I know my genophobia is not insummountable, I just don't know how to deal with it alone, ---- and can't ask a therapist either.
It is just soceity and other people and this stupid male gender that get in the way.

It is in the same way that while I know and am quite happy that I will never be a great painter, this doesn't bother me, but it is bloody awful with the amount of times I've been told varients of "bugger off we can't have a blind person on stage"

I also hate being treated as though I'm some sort of alien, a either sub human and ignored as something weerd most of the time, or even if people take the time it's always as an outcast "oh he's so easy to talk to, he's so clever, he is so nice et c etc" yet I'm not the anyone who just gets invited round or phoned up or gets casually involved with anything.

I'm dam sick! of this, and sick of other people, and sick of myself and sick of recovery as well come to that, just like the 7 years I spent writing a phd thesis which some idiot of a professor just casually disregarded, it seems nothing is going anywhere!

Maybe if someone had at one time wanted to kiss me or just became I could believe this had done some good, but it hasn't, and I'm only back now because I'm so bloody furstrated with life in general, and relationships in particular, ---- those self same relationships that seem so dam easy for everyone elsethat people just take for granted!


About God, well I used to believe strongly in process theology, that is the idea that the universe is still under the process of creation, and that we've not yet reached the end of what the world will be so all of this is just rowing pains, and after all back then I always thought I could rely on my connection with god to prove that the universe wasn't completely grim.

Well God has buggered off from that connection, or maybe my own recovery has locked me from it, either way I don't think God gives a dam! As i've said before God is just a natural force like a river in the desert, if your beside it well and good,, if your dragged out into th the desert the river isn't going to come after you.

On that basis, if the idea of process theology is true and we're eventually going to create a better world, ---- well God is just the monster truck rolling over us ants on it's way to a better world that they'll never see.

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#460009 - 02/02/14 05:01 PM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: dark empathy]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 203
Originally Posted By: dark empathy
@MAgellan, I appreciate the thought, and that is remarkably similar to what a very great tenore told me about music. the problem is however I am just sick of dealing with myself and I am not convinced it'll do any good.

I know my reactions, I'm even comfortable with genophobi, I know my demons and how they affect me. the problem is knolidge doesn't do anything! I can sit and think happythoughts about me until the cows come home, and I've been trying that for years. The problem is that does sod all! people have always told me how nice I am, how kind, how insert complement here, indeed if I had got a relationship everytime someone told me I ought to have one I'd be rather like King solomon and casanova combined. The problem is none of this seems to mean anything, and the only answer seems to be in that alien teretory that everyone else seems to get, not a complementive answer (I'm dam sick of contemplating), but a practical one, but one I just can't understand!

This is why I'm frustrated, particularly because I know where I female everything would be so much easier, as men do all the work and take all the difficult initiation steps and the things I find impossible, while women just sit around and have all the power.

@Victor, The problem with just coming to terms with this is that whateve however much I have tried to convince myself, I know intimate relations for me arn'eT! impossible. I know if someone just helped me in the way women get help with this, I it is something I could experience. I have examined myself to the core and I know my genophobia is not insummountable, I just don't know how to deal with it alone, ---- and can't ask a therapist either.
It is just soceity and other people and this stupid male gender that get in the way.

It is in the same way that while I know and am quite happy that I will never be a great painter, this doesn't bother me, but it is bloody awful with the amount of times I've been told varients of "bugger off we can't have a blind person on stage"

I also hate being treated as though I'm some sort of alien, a either sub human and ignored as something weerd most of the time, or even if people take the time it's always as an outcast "oh he's so easy to talk to, he's so clever, he is so nice et c etc" yet I'm not the anyone who just gets invited round or phoned up or gets casually involved with anything.

I'm dam sick! of this, and sick of other people, and sick of myself and sick of recovery as well come to that, just like the 7 years I spent writing a phd thesis which some idiot of a professor just casually disregarded, it seems nothing is going anywhere!

Maybe if someone had at one time wanted to kiss me or just became I could believe this had done some good, but it hasn't, and I'm only back now because I'm so bloody furstrated with life in general, and relationships in particular, ---- those self same relationships that seem so dam easy for everyone elsethat people just take for granted!


About God, well I used to believe strongly in process theology, that is the idea that the universe is still under the process of creation, and that we've not yet reached the end of what the world will be so all of this is just rowing pains, and after all back then I always thought I could rely on my connection with god to prove that the universe wasn't completely grim.

Well God has buggered off from that connection, or maybe my own recovery has locked me from it, either way I don't think God gives a dam! As i've said before God is just a natural force like a river in the desert, if your beside it well and good,, if your dragged out into th the desert the river isn't going to come after you.

On that basis, if the idea of process theology is true and we're eventually going to create a better world, ---- well God is just the monster truck rolling over us ants on it's way to a better world that they'll never see.


Do you plan on doing something about it? What is it that you want and why do you want it?
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

Top
#460025 - 02/02/14 11:06 PM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2972
Loc: O Kanada
"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

dear justplainme,
where did you get this quote from?
my google came up empty.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#460029 - 02/03/14 01:31 AM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 203
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

Top
#460033 - 02/03/14 01:50 AM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2972
Loc: O Kanada
danke!
_________________________
Victor|Victim

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#460035 - 02/03/14 03:22 AM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1866
Loc: durham, north england
I would do something about it justplaneme, if if I actually knew how! don't you think I've asked myself that question for years, heck I even tried eharmony and that was a mistake.

As to what I want, the term "communication" or intimacy comes close, though I've talked about that before, suffice it sto say I know what it is, I've seen others with it and I'd know it if I experienced it. As to why, ---- well why does a plant want sunlight.

I thought for several years I could be leak the character hoffman in the opera Tales of Hoffman, who abandons all the things he loves about women, beauty, accomplishment, innocense (it was written in the early 1800's), to follow the mews of poetry, but the problem is I'm just not a very good hoffman, especially if what happened with my phd is true.

I'm stuck with wanting something and no idea how to get it or what I should do, and sitting and thinking happy thoughts just doesn't cut it anymore.

This is why I originally backedoff from this site in my dead end topic, since all being here and considdering recovery got me was feeling bitter, and that doesn't seem to have changed either.

I'm stuck needing something locked behind a door seaed with a pasword I can't understand (and believe me I've tried), and I'm sick of it. (Removed by ModTeam)

This also confirms why I shouldn't have returned to this site, I appologise for my mistake.


Edited by ModTeam (02/03/14 09:28 AM)
Edit Reason: Personal attacks are not permitted. While the site encourages sharing our struggles, our sharing within the community will remain supportive.

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#460051 - 02/03/14 10:01 AM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 695
Loc: NJ
While I certainly feel your frustration and hurt...Getting mad at the men here who have worked really hard in the lives and recovery to have healthy relationships is really not fair. I know there have been times that I have held back talking about good things in my life because of this.
Relationships are not easy for anybody, they take a lot work and come with many ups , and downs. Compromise and hurt, but generally worth it. Consider 50 percent of marriages in the us don't work, so it's not easy.
It's our goal here to work through our issues to lead healthy fulfilling lives...everybody deserves that opportunity.
If I were to give you some practical advise I would say to not think so intellectual about it. You are a very smart guy, but I know so many smart guys who over analyze things...let it be a little more organic.

As to what's a date...the difference between a date and just hanging out at a mature age is seeing if there is a connection that leads to an intimate sexual experience and the chance to compliment each other in life. While I understand that might not work for you considering the genaphobia, and that's not the answer your looking for, it is what it is. Many women in there 20/30 want a mate that includes sexual activity.
Have you considered a sexual surrogate professional? Not a prostitute, but a sexual therapist whom you could just hold, maybe kiss and work through your issues and get some healthy touch and intamacy?
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#460055 - 02/03/14 10:46 AM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1363
Loc: California
Dark Empathy,

It's not about sitting and thinking happy thoughts. It's about taking action and doing things proactively to support in your own blossoming. The key and password is in your heart. No one else can tell you the password because they don't know it either. They can only discover their own password.

All that you seek really is within your own heart. Learn to understand the language of your own heart; the subtle nuances, the flavors, the actions and reactions. Learn how these emotions interact and intertwine with others through your actions. With patience and practice and persistence, the key will be revealed to you. Just as it is now being revealed to me in my own life.


"I'm stuck with wanting something and no idea how to get it or what I should do, and sitting and thinking happy thoughts just doesn't cut it anymore.

This is why I originally backedoff from this site in my dead end topic, since all being here and considdering recovery got me was feeling bitter, and that doesn't seem to have changed either.

I'm stuck needing something locked behind a door seaed with a pasword I can't understand (and believe me I've tried), and I'm sick of it."
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

-- I must remind myself that sugar is my enemy. I can't control my sugar consumption and sugar makes me mentally unstable. I'm reminding myself (because I forgot again).

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#460057 - 02/03/14 12:43 PM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: dark empathy]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 203
Originally Posted By: dark empathy
I would do something about it justplaneme, if if I actually knew how! don't you think I've asked myself that question for years, heck I even tried eharmony and that was a mistake.

As to what I want, the term "communication" or intimacy comes close, though I've talked about that before, suffice it sto say I know what it is, I've seen others with it and I'd know it if I experienced it. As to why, ---- well why does a plant want sunlight.

I thought for several years I could be leak the character hoffman in the opera Tales of Hoffman, who abandons all the things he loves about women, beauty, accomplishment, innocense (it was written in the early 1800's), to follow the mews of poetry, but the problem is I'm just not a very good hoffman, especially if what happened with my phd is true.

I'm stuck with wanting something and no idea how to get it or what I should do, and sitting and thinking happy thoughts just doesn't cut it anymore.

This is why I originally backedoff from this site in my dead end topic, since all being here and considdering recovery got me was feeling bitter, and that doesn't seem to have changed either.

I'm stuck needing something locked behind a door seaed with a pasword I can't understand (and believe me I've tried), and I'm sick of it. (Removed by ModTeam)

This also confirms why I shouldn't have returned to this site, I appologise for my mistake.


If you feel like a failure in any area of your life then you are in need of forgiveness, i apologize if my post came of snobbish, i understand your struggles.
I know why you say what you say.
It's so hard to be understood,it is even harder for us to accept love.
I love poetry as well, for a while i think it was one of the few things that sustained me throughout..
Anything i find on how to mend a broken sexuality i will post, albeit i will be more sensitive in contextualizing it better next time.
Cheers DarkE.


Edited by justplainme (02/03/14 12:43 PM)
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#460068 - 02/03/14 03:11 PM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2972
Loc: O Kanada
dear dark empathy,

you could take a step toward healing and connection by simply accepting and receiving the love from your brothers here at ms.org.

i love you.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#460101 - 02/04/14 07:34 AM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1866
Loc: durham, north england
I am genuinely sorry to everyone here. I certainly didn't intend to personally attack anyone, or indeed write anything that the mod team would need to remove.

I now very much see that my returning here was a mistake and my initial dead end decision was correct, since I feel I've gone as far as I can on this site and by personal discovery and contemplation, and just ended up frustrated and feeling as if I've got no where, however this is no justification for me to take my frustration out on those with different journies and circumstances.

I apprciate everyone's thoughts and effort,s and I am genuiney sorry.

I won't say you won't see me again, but unless I have anything in my journey I do promise I won't clog up this forum again.

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#460107 - 02/04/14 10:33 AM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1363
Loc: California
Dark Empathy,

I need you here. Please don't leave.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

-- I must remind myself that sugar is my enemy. I can't control my sugar consumption and sugar makes me mentally unstable. I'm reminding myself (because I forgot again).

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#460110 - 02/04/14 12:54 PM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: dark empathy]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 203
Originally Posted By: dark empathy
I am genuinely sorry to everyone here. I certainly didn't intend to personally attack anyone, or indeed write anything that the mod team would need to remove.

I now very much see that my returning here was a mistake and my initial dead end decision was correct, since I feel I've gone as far as I can on this site and by personal discovery and contemplation, and just ended up frustrated and feeling as if I've got no where, however this is no justification for me to take my frustration out on those with different journies and circumstances.

I apprciate everyone's thoughts and effort,s and I am genuiney sorry.

I won't say you won't see me again, but unless I have anything in my journey I do promise I won't clog up this forum again.


I need your support as you need mine, so please do not leave my friend!
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#460111 - 02/04/14 12:59 PM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2972
Loc: O Kanada
take a break if you must, DarkEmpathy,
but please don't give up.
come back when you feel comfortable, again.

_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#460112 - 02/04/14 01:13 PM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
On The Fringe Online   content


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 273
Loc: Southeast USA
Please keep posting Dark. You have a quality that is very admirable. Your words remind me of when I go shopping for lumber to make a cabinet or something.

Unvarnished good cut of wood has a nice grain and simple beauty. No need to dress it up. It stands on its own.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#462566 - 03/13/14 10:00 PM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 245
thank you for posting. this is helpful
_________________________
Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

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#462672 - 03/15/14 01:36 PM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 245
Hello Dark empathy,

Sounds like this one hit a cord with you. I am sorry for the distress this has caused you. I can't help but wonder if you are taking the tread too literally. sites like this are as much a sharing of information of all sorts. And you are right no one list defines anyone of us. I also disagree that some are too damaged to share in healthy adult relationships. We all have bad days and this does sound like you are having one. Who could fault you for that. I hope things get better for you. I hope you understand that we are not all in the same place as you and therefore it is totally cool to agree to disagree. I havn't met any self rightous members yet. And i too would have a lower tolerance for those types of threads. But this thread is just an exchange of information and nothing more. But triggers do come in all forms and i think we all understand were you are coming from.

Good luck and if you want to chat let me know.
_________________________
Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

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#462726 - 03/16/14 05:32 PM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 217
Loc: Germany
I think it has been helpful for me to have great friends and role models in my life who embody and practice many of these healthy characteristics. In addition, they encourage me to practise them and believe in my ability to do so.

Keep working on it my friends and make these points a part of your day to day mindfulness when encountering thoughts, feelings, and actions relating to your sexuality. You had your first chance to develop a healthy introduction to sexuality stolen from you. However, that does NOT mean that you dont deserve to take your life into your own hands and afford yourself an opportunity to undo the damage and develop a healthy sexuality.
_________________________
H.U.G.S.- Helping Us Grow Spiritually

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#463136 - 03/25/14 01:43 PM Re: Characteristics of Sexually healthy Adults [Re: justplainme]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 245
.
_________________________
Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

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