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#459684 - 01/29/14 11:18 AM Broken Up and Now He's Messing With Me
NotSure Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 34
deleted

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#459686 - 01/29/14 11:43 AM Re: Broken Up and Now He's Messing With Me [Re: NotSure]
Zero Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 35
Loc: Tennessee
I am not one to give relationship advice but it sounds to me like you guys don't have clear boundaries. I would recommend two approaches, communicate clear boundaries and cut all communication with him. If he texts, don't text back. If his behavior becomes borderline on the stalker side like showing up at your work than involve law enforcement.

Just my two cents......

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#459687 - 01/29/14 11:58 AM Re: Broken Up and Now He's Messing With Me [Re: NotSure]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 945
Loc: southern California
Notsure,

He keeps coming to take from you because you give him what he wants every single time. "No" should mean "no," but you've made it clear to him that you don't mean it when you say, "No."

Read your own post as if someone else wrote it; you will see what you need to do. You're not trapped; you're baiting him.

There is a vast difference between flattery and stalking.
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#459691 - 01/29/14 12:08 PM Re: Broken Up and Now He's Messing With Me [Re: NotSure]
NotSure Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 34
deleted

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#459694 - 01/29/14 12:21 PM Re: Broken Up and Now He's Messing With Me [Re: NotSure]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
Do you plan on writing about his thoughts and feelings, things he shared with you about abuse and the effects?

I think lots of men who were abused are afraid our SO will "use" or disclosures against us and why some don't open up.

Is it that important to "use" this relationship in your work? If you care/cared for him "now that your broken up" you would consider keeping his confidence and not use his abuse for personal gain. Even if a name is changed, anybody who knows you two could figure it out.

Consider the fact he wanted you to sign a confidentiality agreement, meaning he's asking you NOT to disclose his story, the one thing all survivors should have total control over.
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#459699 - 01/29/14 01:20 PM Re: Broken Up and Now He's Messing With Me [Re: NotSure]
NotSure Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 34
I planned on writing it more from my POV. What it's like to be with someone who is addicted to porn, dating someone who has been abused and my own codependency.

Its tricky b/c I'm a memoirist and sex writer. That's all I write about. I suppose I really just have to come from my heart and not from a place of vengeance. And change all the identifying details.

It would be so much easier if he just weren't so mean. Telling me about the date... Ugh that was like being stabbed in face. The face, the heart, and the back.

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#459703 - 01/29/14 02:46 PM Re: Broken Up and Now He's Messing With Me [Re: NotSure]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
None of this is easy...and I'm mainly responding to the aspect of writing and/or disclosing a survivors info...especially since he doesn't want you to. It's mentioned here alot how important it is to be in control of one's story.

I think as a professional writer, it's your job to keep vengence and personal transference out of it. Do write from your heart, but honor yourself and your profession and bring a detached professionalism to this.

Consider not writing this piece until some time has passed...or write and hold onto it for a month or two and revisit it with eyes that have had a chance to calm down from the hurt your experiencing.

I'm not trying to minimize your struggles or the hurt your going through as they are very real and honest but maybe a little raw for publication .

I could be totally wrong too, but think about how you will feel looking back at any particular article in a year's time and see if you would consider yourself objective on the topic.

Must be tough going in on the first date knowing that you write about this stuff and anything one shares is fare game to be published.

If he were " nice" would it change the tone of what you would write?
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#459707 - 01/29/14 03:12 PM Re: Broken Up and Now He's Messing With Me [Re: NotSure]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 685
Loc: NJ
NotSure - Go ahead and write, write and write - but don't publish and don't share. I am with the boys here - for every time a SO discloses what is not theirs to disclose, a survivor hurts and so does his wife or SO.

Beyond that, I agree with the boundaries. Don't say LEAVE ME ALONE when you mean come to me. Don't say NO when you mean yes. It's the fastest track to destroying your own personal worth and self esteem.

And I think more than just reading your posts, try to imagine that your child wrote them. What would you say to your child? This is madness. You are living a surreal reality - one in which you will get hurt. Extract yourself. Value yourself. Give yourself what you deserve. This game is the exact opposite of healthy.


Edited by Esposa (01/29/14 03:12 PM)

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#459713 - 01/29/14 04:14 PM Re: Broken Up and Now He's Messing With Me [Re: NotSure]
NotSure Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 34
deleted

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#459762 - 01/30/14 10:04 AM Re: Broken Up and Now He's Messing With Me [Re: NotSure]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Writing of anything on here is a bit of betrayal.

Exactly what so many men fear! Having their story told against their will!

Emotional rape!

Just another perp at that point...... Seriously evil karma awaits.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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