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#459659 - 01/29/14 07:44 AM I Give Up
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
I debated over the past week whether to even post this. In short, I'm simply inclined to just let the next heart attack take me so I can be done with this perpetual pain. Christ, I don't even have the balls to actually attempt anything. My life, as I look back on it, is a complete failure personally and professionally. And, in my 50s it's too damned late to do anything about it.

Though barely managing last fall – and, no, I'm not "over it" - when I lost my feline companion of 16½ years, Ricky (last of his "family" going back 26 years), it seems like it started the ball rolling on everything else. I had a heart attack two weeks later, over $50K in hospital bills I can't pay. My career, already struggling, has simply dried up for the most part. I have no financial resources left. Nor is there anyone who is willing to commit to helping me, except for the occasional "kind word", as though that has any substance. No one wants to commit for as long as it takes to help me get back on my feet. Especially when they've already got it made, it's otherwise too much trouble to take on a basket case like me.

Everyone expects me to act normally, as though nothing's wrong. Yeah, I put on the facade. Even my two best friends don't know the depths of my despair. If they did, I'd lose them, too. No one has any idea how much energy it takes just to hang on.

Any so-called help is from bureaucratic little clerks whose only concern is that I fill out forms correctly so they can reject applications for assistance...whether HIV related, mental health related, financially related. Been there. Done that. That includes ACA and premiums I can't afford. I can't take any more of the humiliation. No one fucking cares. Somehow they feel it's my fault. And they're only too happy to scold or patronize me from their safe little pedestals. How does THAT help me?

Oh, I've had little glimmers here and there the past months. But glimmers only. And there's always something that comes along to make sure I'm kept in my place. Car, for one, is gradually dying and I can't fix it.

Though I don't deserve this, the message seems to be that, yes, indeed this is the life I deserve. For some unfathomable reason I deserved to be physically, verbally and emotionally abused by my adopted mother (and third husband). I wish they could have experienced for themselves what they'd so callously done. I deserved to be sexually abused by my high school guidance counselor for his amusement/power trip for almost a year. Sonofabitch died before I could nail him. Then, years later, I deserved to have my pleas for help completely blown off by the school and church...and anyone else within earshot, including an inexperienced T who "fed" me (his words...and illegal in my state) to an osteopath who charged me double what the T had quoted. It's hard to accept I'm that inconsequential to any and everyone, but that's the message drummed into me.

So, screw it. I wish I had the inclination for booze or drugs. I don't. People would probably then be inclined to help. (The "helpers" in my history have been completely mystified I'm so screwed up and NOT an alkie or addict...they can't pigeonhole me). At least I have the cigs to help me along – talk about a social leper - and perhaps bring on the next heart attack sooner. Pain's back in my left arm the past couple of weeks. Some pain in my chest. And now that I have the experience to know the signs, I'm not doing a fucking thing about it.

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#459660 - 01/29/14 07:53 AM Re: I Give Up [Re: Lancer]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3603
Loc: O Kanada
this hurts to read.
you have expressed your pain and despair quite vividly.
i can feel every ounce of it!

i wish to god that i could repair your damage.

failing that, i wish i could give you comfort and support.

it feels as if there is nothing i could possibly write that could do either.
a wink and a wave could not possibly be enough.

all that i can offer is my sincere good will and wishes.
sending you my love as a brother.

i wish to acknowledge and honour your bravery!
my thoughts and prayers are with you.

please accept this desperate attempt to cheer you up.


_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#459661 - 01/29/14 08:03 AM Re: I Give Up [Re: Lancer]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1792
Lancer

Your words are powerful and your pain and hurt can be felt. I am sorry you have having these feelings.

I understand what it feels like to be alone, hopeless but you mentioned there were some glimmers of hope. Grab on to these and one may prove to be a positive that allows you to see the good in yourself. We have been programmed to believe we are worthless and many times society and people around us reinforce these feelings. But the glimmers are what gives us hope for a better tomorrow.

Please seek support, vent and share here--we are here for you and do not judge. Take care of your physical health--see a doctor for the chest pains.

Try to see the positives and I know it is difficult when you feel the world is closing in on you. Please take care of yourself--you have much to offer.

Kevin

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#459670 - 01/29/14 09:25 AM Re: I Give Up [Re: Lancer]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3520
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Lancer -

i begin this, not knowing what it is i want to say, but wanting to offer some comfort - or at least understanding.

first - i accept and respect your feelings and your right to feel what you do and to express that as you have. i do not want to deny or minimize anything that you have experienced.

second - i am sorry for your pain. i grieve with you. it isn't f-ing fair and that is so true! if there was any way i could help, i would.

third - i wish i could give you hope. i don't know how anyone survives without hope. i don't know why i have always been able to cling to a shred of hope in spite of everything. if there was one thing i could give you - that would be it.

fourth - i value you for the courageous man you are that has created some beauty in the world through your photography and has touched others here on MS through your honesty and humor and transparency - and had made a good life for your cats.

fifth - i hope that this decision can bring you a measure of peace. it is not the conventional way of thinking - but then - you are not a conventional man - in any way! and thank God for that.

i know that this is not enough to make a difference, but i had to say it anyway.
Lee



Edited by traveler (01/29/14 09:27 AM)
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#459696 - 01/29/14 12:42 PM Re: I Give Up [Re: Lancer]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 597
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Don't give up, buddy, there is hope!!!!

If I can live my dreams, so can you.

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#459701 - 01/29/14 01:48 PM Re: I Give Up [Re: Lancer]
Czaesar72 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/10
Posts: 211
Loc: California, USA
Lancer,

I feel your pain, and I dare to say that a lot of us have been there. There is power in voicing your feelings and that is always good. Many times I have felt like giving up, but I'm still here.

So far I have not given up, because I have learned that there is hope. I know so, and I believe that this is true for all of us. My life is changing now, and I'm glad I have not given up. Hang in there bud, and don't give up. THERE IS HOPE...YOU'RE NOT ALONE.

The best to you.



Edited by Czaesar72 (01/29/14 01:49 PM)
_________________________
Alejandro
A very grateful Alumni of the Level I WoR Sequoia 2011, Ben Lohmond, CA, USA
and Advanced WoR Alta 2011, Alta, UT, USA.

The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift; it is the burdens he can understand and overcome.

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#459711 - 01/29/14 03:55 PM Re: I Give Up [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Yeah, wouldn't it be nice if I had a job, a health plan, etc. Golly, I could see a doc, find a qualified T. Screw it. As one jackass T said to me years ago when I shared my pain, "Oh well." (too bad)

Only thing that helped today was that I dumped a client's low-pay advert/promotion project (logo, media kit, program, magazine adverts). Very early on, so won't affect him and I deleted the entire folder. Glad I'm out of it. Too tired to fight any more. Screw advertising. Doesn't matter I've garnered three advertising awards the past seven years, the market wants a youngster - skills optional - who will work for nothing.

Fuck it. I don't see the point.

btw, thx Lee.

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#459717 - 01/29/14 05:33 PM Re: I Give Up [Re: Lancer]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 325
You have fallen into despair man, i know anything we say will not do a major difference, because frankly...what we experience is not something everyone specially those in the helping profession like to deal with.
The only thing i could say is don't give up, i am sure you want more out of life. Don't quit,this is not the life you deserved,none of us did.
Life is hard, but joy and happiness are your moral obligation.
Fuck, if there is anything we can do to help...don't feel alone.

i like to consider ourselves a community. A band of brothers if you will.

I will put you in my prayers lancer. I believe in the power of prayer. So i hope mine's reach you.


Edited by justplainme (01/29/14 05:35 PM)
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#459723 - 01/29/14 07:12 PM Re: I Give Up [Re: Lancer]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1438
Loc: California
I've been here. Feeling hopeless. Just want to throw up your hands in despair and give up. Shit, I had a heart scare and even thought exactly the same thing a few months ago. Meh - if I go, I go. No one else would care.

Do you have any friends around that you can call on or hang out with? I'm sure they'd be hurt to see you go too soon.

Life is challenging for us. It's unfair. We're pushed beyond our perceived limits, only to find out how strong and resilient we are. I have the same question "What for?" If there's a REASON for this, I'd like to know it. But if someone says "Everything happens for a reason!" one more time, I"m going to flatly say "No. Babies dying of AIDS in Africa doesn't happen by some design plan. Because, if it did, that is not a plan or designer I could ever come to trust. Never.

Life is hard and cruel and unjust. The best that we can do is to survive, and to learn how to adapt and live a life that makes us connected and happy. That's an arduous task to undertake, and if given the choice, would prefer to NOT have this experience of hardship. But life is what it is - I can give up on life and on myself, and that is the person I choose to become. Or I can keep schlepping and praying and looking for ways to adapt and make a life that I want and deserve. And keep on trying until my dying breath. That would be a person I could choose to be come too.

The choice seems rather simple - who do I want to be and how do I want to define myself in the face of great hardship?
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#459741 - 01/29/14 11:55 PM Re: I Give Up [Re: Lancer]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Lancer Buddy,

Holocaust survivor Elie Weisel wrote: "Hope is ...not a gift from God. It is a gift only we can give one another".

Holocaust victim Anne Frank wrote: "I simply can't build my hopes on a foundation of confusion, misery and death... I think... peace and tranquillity will return again."

John Rucyahana, The Bishop of Rwanda wrote: "We are preaching hope, standing on the bones of the past.”

There are millions of people in this world who have suffered unspeakable tragedy. But somehow they have managed to keep hope alive. I can't tell you how they do it, but their words inspire me to take my eyes off my own pain and suffering and stand with them. I hope you will consider their words and join me in that.

Jude
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#459748 - 01/30/14 01:32 AM Re: I Give Up [Re: Lancer]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3603
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: Lancer
Yeah, wouldn't it be nice if I had a job, a health plan, etc. Golly, I could see a doc, find a qualified T. Screw it. As one jackass T said to me years ago when I shared my pain, "Oh well." (too bad)

Only thing that helped today was that I dumped a client's low-pay advert/promotion project (logo, media kit, program, magazine adverts). Very early on, so won't affect him and I deleted the entire folder. Glad I'm out of it. Too tired to fight any more. Screw advertising. Doesn't matter I've garnered three advertising awards the past seven years, the market wants a youngster - skills optional - who will work for nothing.

Fuck it. I don't see the point.


wow, lancer, that is exactly the same problem i am having in my life and in my career in the "production" "promotion" "advertisement" "entertainment" industry.

i am hardly even working part-time anymore.
it feels like i have been put out to pasture at the ripe old age of 53.

the employers and clients would much rather hire inexpensive inexperienced people.

this is, indeed, very frustrating, humiliating, infuriating, and demoralizing.

i take great comfort from affirmations and inspirations such as these.
i will share them with you.


"I will be conquered, I will not capitulate."      ~ Samuel Johnson

"In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed."
     ~ William Henley

“If you are going through hell, keep going.”
     ~ Winston Churchill

"Instead of having the rug pulled from under your feet,
learn to dance on a shifting carpet."
     ~ Thomas Crum

“When you get to the end of your rope.
Tie a knot and hang on.”
     ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

“Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine.”
     ~ Mario Fernández

wishing you all the best.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#459749 - 01/30/14 02:08 AM Re: I Give Up [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Funny that a lot of you have mentioned "hope". The only thing "hope" ever did for me was put me back in the same, sick cycle, setting me up for another round of humiliation and failure.

No, I'm not what I want to be. Nor apparently, as years of this shit have taught me (when am I gonna get it?), am I even capable of it.



Edited by Lancer (01/30/14 02:46 AM)

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#459754 - 01/30/14 05:10 AM Re: I Give Up [Re: Lancer]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3603
Loc: O Kanada
The artist only has to create one masterpiece, himself, constantly.
     ~ Yves Klein

Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't, you're right.
     ~ Henry Ford
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#459779 - 01/30/14 01:18 PM Re: I Give Up [Re: Lancer]
Truart Offline


Registered: 01/25/14
Posts: 14
"So, screw it. I wish I had the inclination for booze or drugs. I don't. People would probably then be inclined to help. (The "helpers" in my history have been completely mystified I'm so screwed up and NOT an alkie or addict...they can't pigeonhole me)."

That's so true. If you seem normal on the surface no one gives a shit. Doesn't matter if you feel worse than the alcoholic who is puking in the gutter outside the pub. It isn't visual. Feeling bad doesn't count for shit, what they can't see doesn't exist.

Your post is filled with so much pain and I know there's nothing I can write to make it better. No matter who you are, you deserve a better life than this.

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#459780 - 01/30/14 01:22 PM Re: I Give Up [Re: Lancer]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 288
Loc: MO
What help can I be to you? At 56 I had to give up any hope of getting a job, and accepted my disabilities.

I can understand the disspair (hell I can't even spell anymore.)

It is so difficult to live with loss. It is worse to face a new loss when I haven't learned to cope with the losses I already had.

The are good quotes and helpful hints for hope in all the advise and support that has been offered. For myself, all I can offer is to cherish the little things in life, a shower when it is a struggle to even get out of bed, a bird trilling on a branch, a smile from a stranger, this place where you are safe to share your losses and hopelessness.

We all have different stories and we all are just the same.

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#459788 - 01/30/14 03:41 PM Re: I Give Up [Re: Lancer]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1147
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: Lancer
I debated over the past week whether to even post this.


Hi Lancer. Well, I am glad you decided to post this and I hope you continue to keep posting these types of thoughts and feelings as much as you need to. If you are suffering, it is best not to be suffering in silence. I don't have any advice to give you but I will say that I think, at times like these, it's ok to do whatever you need to do to give yourself a little comfort. If smoking cigarettes is it, fine. I wish you had something you could fall back on that didn't make your health problems worse but if you don't that's ok. I certainly can't criticize you for it.

I know you say you don't hold any hope for yourself and I'm sorry to hear you say that but, as someone who holds little to no hope for his own life, I understand. If you can't have any hope for yourself then know that at least others out there, myself included, hold some for you. I know that doesn't do anything to improve your situation but at least maybe it helps to know. If not, I am sorry, but I am hoping for you. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#459815 - 01/31/14 08:01 AM Re: I Give Up [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Thx Ken.

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#459818 - 01/31/14 08:27 AM Re: I Give Up [Re: Lancer]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 325
“Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape.”
— William S. Burroughs
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#459829 - 01/31/14 11:22 AM Re: I Give Up [Re: Lancer]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3603
Loc: O Kanada
how are you today, Lancer?

is the mood improving?

i really hope you are feeling better.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#459903 - 02/01/14 07:56 AM Re: I Give Up [Re: Lancer]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Lee.

I want to say something comforting, but I've just got no comfort in me today. Life is a bastard, that is how it is, however this is the point when rationality is needed.

Right now my perception is bloody awful! I feel older than hell, uggly as sin, as if I've wasted most of my life and bloody pissed off with pretty much everyone else since it seems everyone has such an easy time. Yes, I know there are probably people starving in Africa or being tortured in Prisons in various countries, but at the moment my thought is well bully for you! being told about how painful a broken spine is doesn't make your broken leg any less painful. Indeed, I'm sort of wondering if when he was burned at the stake Thomas More wasn't thinking "well at least they didn't skin me"

So no, misery poker is not a good game, ---- for example at the moment being able to have a car of any sort and not rely on taxies or trains (and not busses since they's no way to tell where the sodding things stop), heck, it'd be nice to be able to stand on a stool and change a light bulb and not have balance so cruddy I end up falling off and bashing my shin! in the same way, I imagine you probably laugh at the idea of someone who is thirty, looks slightly younger feeling as if he's past everything.

So, lets not play misery poker.

Rather, one thing I do recognize is that this is a state of perception coloured by my current emotions. I am not a good judge of myself, my appearence or my life, or even my abilities. This perception is just a cloud, it covers the sky, often for long periods, but it is not! itself any thicker than dust and I know if I wait long enough it will change, simply because that is part of being human.

I personally don't recommend hope, hope is just sunshine as transient as cloud, I'd recommend simply aiting, which is the hardest thing to do, focus on the present, forget the future and take steps to cope with the present as best you can.

that is what I'm trying to do myself at the moment, just tread water until something turns up, because even if it is just something that makes me smile in startrek, my dog Reever or just watching the dawn, something usually does.

I'm sorry if that doesn't help much, as I said I'm not really in a comforting frame of mind today but I did want to offer something even if it is just my usual advise about persistant, ---- hay even with advise I'm persistant! laugh.

Luke.

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#459996 - 02/02/14 11:35 AM Re: I Give Up [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
@V-V...guess I'm doing better. As I PM'd someone, it's not that the despair is gone, it's just back in a box that's a size too small for it and the flaps don't quite close.

@DE, I get it. I get all the feelings. For one, it's not a contest. It's just the way I feel at the moment. And you've nailed the frame of mind perfectly. I don't give a rat's ass how badly other people have it in India or west Africa. If nothing else, I'm glad you shared it - screw "being comforting" - and gave some more depth to it. That's enuf for me right now.

Also, you mentioned Reever. I imagine doggie may be as much of an anchor as Nero is to me. Simply, he has basic needs (loo, food) that must be met, no matter how I feel. Man, if they only recognized he's indeed a "service cat".

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#460432 - 02/09/14 11:02 PM Re: I Give Up [Re: Lancer]
morgan662 Offline


Registered: 01/13/14
Posts: 13
Loc: New York City
I've never posted or commented before, but have to for this. My advice is to get on medicare. Also, try to get a social worker. This will not be the most popular advice, but the way that I got a social worker was to have a total mental meltdown and break into a place, not steal anything, and then end up calling the cops on myself. Sometimes the bureaucracy just doesn't want to deal with you until it sees that it has more to lose by not dealing with you. And you might be afraid that if you seem to "lose it" you won't have friends left, in general in my experience people have much more sympathy for people who don't seem to have it all together, hence them wanting you to be an alcoholic or something.

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