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#45965 - 07/07/04 05:20 PM Why are we left to "walk" alone TTTTTTT
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
I was 11 years old when I was ab*sed, and I am now 50.

What I would like to know is, why are the kids not given any help after the event? I was just left to fathom it all out myself, wondering if I had caught an std off this beast.

Feeling worse than the trash in the street, losing confidence, and fighting all the time to regain confidence and the little bit of childhood that I could salvage, and believe me there was not much.

I attempted suicide to try to end the pressure building up in my head on more than one occasion.
Feelings of utter despair, loneliness and fear among some of the thousands of feelings.

I love this group, as it shows me that I was not alone, but how many are just starting to suffer?

It is utter nonsense to believe that time will take it away, before I came into this forum, I thought I was going mental for letting the feelings last me so long, but I find that so many others are still going thru this makes me feel a little better, even though I do not want anybody to feel this way.

Time does make it a little easier, but nothing takes it away, I remember in my late teens, when I told myself to pretend it never happened, it went away, and I felt good for some time, living life a lot better. Then one day I felt so down and I was wondering why I felt this way. I thought about it, and then remembered the whole thing, but in my distant mind.

From that day I searched and re-opened the wound, going back to every single detail of the event, it was like I needed to know, to justify the way I feel, but the biggest thing is, that you cannot share this with anybody.

Not the sort of thing you mention in the bar, or to workmates, and that leads to the problem of hiding your past to all of them, you often think, should I tell them, and then think, no, they will think you are mad.

How do you tell your girlfriend? You dont, because you think, well she is going to leave you.

You have to find your true friends and girlfriends so carefully, just as you see all the other guys just getting off with anyone they fancy.

I spent many years on my problems, and yes it is not all doom and gloom, we need to be strong, we have fought more battles than any soldier, we have courage beyond belief, we are the survivors.

We have minds that think differently than ordinary folk, I am the man who can smile at strangers, put people at ease, people tell me things that they would tell no other, as I am a listener, yes someone who listens to others fears, I live my fears, I still suffer panic attacks and get the triggers, which makes some people think you are a bit funny. Funny, I can make them feel "funny" when they try that one, and you know what, it works.

I have spent a lifetime wrestling with the beast, but I own my fears, I will make sure they never own me.

How many more do they need to "kill" before the World becomes a safe place for future kids? I never had any kids, because I would never be able to let them out of my sight, but I would dearly have wanted a family. I have to accept that, feeling another trigger somewhere.

In many ways I am lucky, I have employment, it doesnt pay much, but I have an eco friendly house with birds in my garden and I listen to them sing and feed them when they really need it.

I am the man who feeds the ducks on the river in the winter when nobody wants to go out in the cold, but I never feel the cold, nothing can be so cold as the past. My needs are simple, just a few drinks, some music, a smoke and go to bed to listen to the wind howling and blowing the tin can down the street, distant dogs warning of danger, morning birdsong.

The world is a beautiful place if you open your eyes to it, there is one tr+gger that really gets to me, and that is the one when you have to read about another v+ctim, how much it hurts is unbelievable, storylines on TV turn me off even watching this crap, hope they dont get the storylines from these forums as the only way of knowing the storyline is to go thru it, and no researcher is ever gonna ask me for that.

If for some reason driven by miracles C.A. ceased to be, then I would maybe sleep a lot sounder, but sadly it gets worse.

I think the only way that I survived this is because I "forgave" my abuser.

I had to, because I would not be writing in this forum right now, I remember it was the anger that tore me apart almost ending it for me.

Say a prayer tonight for all those who didnt make it and also say a prayer for those who did, and ask God to stop it happening to others, it costs nothing to do, but there is faith in me, that the World will maybe go back to the way we were meant to walk this planet, being able to live as normal people who dont abuse, neglect or kill.

Is it a dream? I hope not, it maybe the rebirth of humanity, living the way we should without fear prejudice, living like the animals, yes by the way, the have better morals than some human beings, and I have been witness to it.

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#45966 - 07/07/04 05:29 PM Re: Why are we left to "walk" alone TTTTTTT
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
This all sounds far too familiar to me.
Tell your ducks that I said hi. \:\)

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#45967 - 07/07/04 05:46 PM Re: Why are we left to "walk" alone TTTTTTT
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
*sigh*

The living dead. The shadows that walk among us, oh yes. I know this feeling too.

But I'm trying my damndest to re-teach myself. That there is beauty and serenity in the world. That there is so much more than the abuse and, praise God, the moment means so much more than the past or future.

And I feed pigeons instead of ducks. That is, until the feeding frenzy begins.

(Have you ever been attacked by a swarm of hungry pigeons? Alfred Hitchcock hit it right on the head!)

This is what I live for. Laughing instead of crying. Hoping instead of screaming.

When I got the memories back, I thought I had NO RIGHT to feel like it happened now rather than twenty-odd years ago. But to the 11 year old, it WAS yesterday, today, tomorrow, forever.

But we will find a way to put it aside, my friend. There will come a day when it doesn't hurt quite so much, like a healed bone in the rain, and it will be livable. It's never too late.

You're not so alone in this. We know. We understand.

Peace and love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#45968 - 07/07/04 06:49 PM Re: Why are we left to "walk" alone TTTTTTT
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Hi Scot

nice to have a little bit of sympathy, the screams and flashbacks are still with me, abuse is not just for Christmas as we know, it is for life.

We have to get over life, but the abuse is with us forever, indeed, how can we forget, even though we would like to?

No more Christmasses' being the innocent kid, the miracle World we once believed in. Birthdays
celebrated to pretend we appreciate it.

I am not a loser, but sometimes I am lost in this World of ab*se, like being on a boat and riding the waves, it comes and goes, the emotions the fears the terror of what happens when a chld is ab*sed, the sickness, the bad health, that ensues to an 11yo is intolerable, but we must survive this to live anything near to a "normal" life.

I live the abuse every day of my life, and why shouldn't I, it happened long ago, and it never goes away, it's just that you try and learn to live with it, because you have to.

Nobody can tell you when it will go away, but you have to live alongside it, as much as the hurt maybe, you cannot wreck your own life even though we know it is inevitable to do so.

When something affects everything you do in life, everyting you plan, feel, think, as you know, it has a deep and profound effect on you, and how you deal with it that counts.

It affects your family, health and wellbeing, as you well know. The only real point in my post is to say "when will it stop"???

we don't have the answer do we?

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#45969 - 07/08/04 07:35 PM Re: Why are we left to "walk" alone TTTTTTT
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Ste'
we could be brothers, what you wrote there is so similar in many ways to my life,

You finished your last post with a question -

Quote:
The only real point in my post is to say "when will it stop"???

we don't have the answer do we?
No, we don't have the 'definitive' answer because there isn't one.
My belief is that we'll remember the abuse until we turn our toes up. Which sounds a terrible thing to live with, and it would be if we didn't learn to live with the memories instead of being dominated and controlled by the memories.

for me, living with them means that I can remember my abuse in the same light as remembering other unhappy childhood experiences, such as getting chicken pox while on holiday.
I now attach about the same importance to both events. Not in the way they each affected my life afterwards, but in the way that the memory itself affects me when it surfaces.
It's a difficult thing to explain, but I accept the abuse as something that happened that I had no influence on either then or now. My only influence is on the way I live now and the future, so why worry about the past ?

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#45970 - 07/09/04 12:21 PM Re: Why are we left to "walk" alone TTTTTTT
Aden Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/04
Posts: 499
Every day I read a new story that is so much like my own. The details are different but our reactions so similar. It almost seems the our shared experience is a part of a natural human process, and we are the ones left to figure out its definition.

The challenge is to make things better. 10,000 years of written human history, and we here now have so little time to make a difference.

What you wrote is so much like what I lived. Others who have responded to you seem to have crawled into my own mind while talking to you. For me, right now, the strongest tie to hope is that we are not alone.


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#45971 - 07/09/04 04:24 PM Re: Why are we left to "walk" alone TTTTTTT
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Before I found this forum, I lived for years wondering "Why am I still feeling the shame and guilt of this situation", I got vexed by the fact that it was still haunting me.

Now I find you guys have gone thru the same thing for the same amnounts of time, it gives me a lot of hope, because, even though you know it happens, you always think you are the only one in the World.

A lot is said when these things happen and then the victim is never heard, why? Because it is too shameful a subject to discuss.

I have read a lot of things on the boards that have made my flesh creep, and I have had to take breaks from it, but maybe this is the way to come to terms with this.

To me it is like being in a small boat, sometimes in calm water, and then in a storm, most of the storms are in the past, but their are times when it still gets rocky, especially when you see another ab*se or a sex ring in the media.

Yes, I still have to calm the small child in me, he will never go away, and I will look after him for ever, he "died" then, but I can calm his fears, I can never let that go. I often wonder "who" I would have been if this had never happened.

The "child" in me remembers the values I was brought up to live by, the values I still live by, it makes me more of a spiritual person, and then I see the values some others have,it makes me weep.

If I won the biggest lottery, I would give the money all away to just have never been there, but alas money is not so much worthy of doing anything like that.

Thank you all for the comments, and sharing the burden, I see this forum as an answer to some of the questions, I thought I could never ask, and find the answers that for so long have evaded me.

ste ;\)

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#45972 - 07/09/04 05:50 PM Re: Why are we left to "walk" alone TTTTTTT
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
We weren't left to walk alone. We chose to walk alone.

They dumped a load of shame and guilt on us. So we chose to walk alone so nobody would see it.

Sad but true, bastards.

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#45973 - 07/12/04 07:12 PM Re: Why are we left to "walk" alone TTTTTTT
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Hi Bill

b*stards they are, that it is the longest word I can think of putting to their name, catch the drift.

But it's written in stone, history, f*ck their arseholes till they scream and they will still carry on killing.

But, hey what's the point?

Who cared?

Who listened?

Nobody

Good job I found this group

Nice to know someone is out threre who understands this shit, I never could till I got here.

F*cked up but trying

If all else fails press the panic button
"if you can reach it"

If you can't try screaming. only if there is anybody left to hear your screams.

Altogether in the maelstrom of life

Peace, Understanding thanks for it was never really known it till I came here,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#362169 - 05/14/11 10:19 AM Re: Why are we left to "walk" alone TTTTTTT [Re: reality2k4]
une.vie.d.espoir Offline


Registered: 12/06/10
Posts: 118
Loc: Quebec-Canada
Hi Ste, I was looking in MS randomlay and read about yourself. In just wich I could have the wisdom you have. I also want to thank you for what you have wright. It does help me.

Jean-Pierre


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#362176 - 05/14/11 11:24 AM Re: Why are we left to "walk" alone TTTTTTT [Re: reality2k4]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 597
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
i really believe we are not alone
we don't need to walk alone

but we have to face our courage
and sometimes people's indifference and ignorance

i told everyone at my job that i am an incest survivor
in a big email
i was so scared

but i received wonderful support. the president emailed me and said 'you have our full support. just tell us what you need.'

it does not need to be this way.
i understand how risky it is.
lets go.


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#363080 - 05/27/11 02:29 AM Re: Why are we left to "walk" alone TTTTTTT [Re: une.vie.d.espoir]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Hello Ste,

The way you arrange your words resonates within me. There are times when I feel like I walk alone in this. I am a rational person, but even the best sounding logic cannot assuage this feeling on some days.

Then there is MS. I cannot quite explain the feeling of being understood. That is the moment I realize I am not alone. I do see beauty in this world amidst all of the chaos. I have to believe it does get better, and sometimes time does make things a little easier. I do think the way we spend that time carries more weight than time by itself.

Speaking about the ab*se can be difficult to do. It's not like you can just bring it up in a casual conversation. I have wanted to talk about it many a times with friends, but couldn't bring myself to do it. That all changed today. I am a blogger and I openly aired my past with the web community. I won't let fear hold me back anymore. I feel good about my decision.

I must say, I really appreciate your words of wisdom. Thank you for your post.

Cheers,

Daniel

_________________________
I am the warrior.

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#363102 - 05/27/11 10:53 AM Re: Why are we left to "walk" alone TTTTTTT [Re: Letourski]
ren42 Offline


Registered: 03/26/11
Posts: 54
.


Edited by ren42 (12/29/12 10:18 PM)

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