Man...more than ever, I need a hug and a hand. I knew this day was coming but I didn't expect it too hit me this hard.
As you guys now, I've been through the ringer with physical therapy and spinal injections, due to an automobile accident I sustained in January 0f 2013.
You've been with me through it all, heard my story and even stayed up with me at night so the pain will ease and I will pass into a deep sleep.
I can't inform you enough on how much thought and care has been exercised my way. I really do mean that all of you are the family that I will never hug nor shake hands with.
My last appointment with my neurosurgeon took the breathe out of me. It appears I am going to have an implant to become apart of my body. It's called the Spinal Cord Stimulator and from my research and hearing testimonies over the phone; it does provide relief and helps the patient regain their feeling and mobility back.
I took timeout too think about this and have decided I will go fourth with the procedure but some news pertaining to my personal life made me feel so weak and abandoned. To the point, that the first time in along time I feel fear.
My niece informed me that she will be relocating to Washington state to be close with her mom and sister. I myself am happy for her and knew this day was coming but I feel so alone because I am.
Her and I had originally planed to go together but my medical circumstances have kept me at bay and that hurts me to the core of my soul.
I can remember the day of the accident, she came too visit me in the hospital and we promised one another we would go together.
The day I received news that I am going to have an implant in the month of march is the very same day she informed she is relocating.
I can't begin to tell you how much pain I had and still have in my heart.I just told her with a fake smile and laughter that I am happy and glad. but in actually reality I am sad and went home and cried my eyes out.
This hurts so much because she is my only family member who would visit me, chat with me daily on facebook, and ask me "how i feel and how am i doing". While the other "family" in the area has asked "you got any pain pills or how much money your getting from the settlement?".
She will soon be gone and I will be having the Spinal cord stimulator implanted. The only people I can speak with are my T and the people at male survivor. It's great too speak but it's one less hug and visit I will have in my life and makes the number zero in this area.
I don't take pain pills cause I know the day will come when I will need them and they wont work. I don't know how much I am receiving and it doesn't occupy my mind.
The only thing that does is wondering if people really do care about me or if it's just something they say.
My sister has told me when my medical needs are taken care of and I receive my settlement that I am more than welcome to relocate and be apart of her family. I know this is true intention because she calls me twice a month and sends me care packages.
I am just so afraid that this will never happen. That I will be alone and never be with the people that love me and accept me unconditional. It's times like these where I welcome the abundant love and reassurance of an almighty god that I will be taken care of and reunited with them.
Guys, what am I to do? Am I too go fourth with the procedure and play the waiting game? Because in actual reality that's all i can do.
I am placing myself out here because I want and need friends and do not want too be dragged down. If any of you can give some advice, time of the day, or even share a similar experience. I will be more than glad to hear and listen.