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#459499 - 01/27/14 09:32 AM Can - i overcome the - Abyss
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 219
Loc: Western Europe
You're hiding away in my smile
Pushing away everything which is fragile
Keeping me inside your fake happy place
Making sure there is no pain for me to face
You're not evil and neither am I
I just got lost in the question why

I'm feeling vulnerable and lost
But using you just increases the cost
With you there watching my every move
I don't need any more proof
I can't deal with my feeling
I can't work on my healing

I thought you were helping me along the way
But finally im seeing the price I have to pay
Even more insecure than I was before
I can't cover it up anymore
There is too much shit inside of me
For clouds of smoke to set me free

Ten years this has been going on
And still I'm wondering whats going wrong
Still I can't break through the addiction
Because I still believe my own conviction
Childhood negativity can be so tough
Do I still think I'll never be good enough?

The numb and empty feelings inside
Are nothing but expressions of pride
Help me to recognize this on arising
So to see to what behavior I cling
This time I'm walking right through the door
I wont try to hide myself anymore

I'm struggling with the insecurities of life
But at the same time very much afraid to dive
Deep into the unknown ways of being
Finding the inner space which becomes freeing
Still I'm holding onto the old pattern
Luckily there is the path lit by a lantern

After all these years of struggle and pain
I finally realized what I have to gain
My life can become so much easier and fun
If I'd just learned to relax and sit under the sun
No longer filling up the emptiness with lies
I can finally taste the personal special spice

Today can become the start of something new
I just seem to be needing a new view
One which makes me forget the can-abyss
And instead acquaintance of causeless bliss
Give me strength and courage to persevere
Can-abyss addiction just equaled fear

I've abused myself long and rough
Though i know the past was tough
The addiction has been here long enough
Doing without you is a way to love
Penetrating your unimaginable bluff
Helping me to release all the painfull stuff

A life without you is finally here
Illusion seen through as just being fear
I'm good enough just the way i am today
So i'm leaving out the addictive play
I let you go now in loving light
Cause now i see there has never been any fight






Edited by OCN (01/27/14 09:53 AM)
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#459518 - 01/27/14 02:41 PM Re: Can - i overcome the - Abyss [Re: OCN]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3342
Loc: O Kanada
EPIC!
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#459519 - 01/27/14 02:44 PM Re: Can - i overcome the - Abyss [Re: OCN]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3342
Loc: O Kanada
"He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster.
And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you.
"

- Friedrich Nietzsche
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#459536 - 01/27/14 06:09 PM Re: Can - i overcome the - Abyss [Re: victor-victim]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 219
Loc: Western Europe
Originally Posted By: victor-victim
"He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster.
And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you.
"

- Friedrich Nietzsche

Oh boy.. this leaves me empty victor!
yet so true ofcourse.. the monster lives as powerful thought.

So i won't say i made it through the first day, cause that would still be an admitance of addiction/guilt. Instead, i'll say i just took a day off. I accepted the struggle and tension again, that which i normally try to hide away from.

Guess i still want to do this good, even though there is no good or bad in this. I just know that 'relaxing' (with using mj) stresses me out and that i only 'relaxed' when i was in mind chaos.


Edited by OCN (01/27/14 06:10 PM)
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#459537 - 01/27/14 06:15 PM Re: Can - i overcome the - Abyss [Re: OCN]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3342
Loc: O Kanada
if you have ever climbed a mountain of sand...
you know what it feels like.

you slide down as you climb up,
but you end up at the top if you don't quit!

press on!

push through!

you are worth it.
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#459619 - 01/28/14 06:47 PM Re: Can - i overcome the - Abyss [Re: OCN]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 219
Loc: Western Europe
hej Victor. First wanted to send you a pm, but then i realized this is for all to read..

just want to thank you for your replies on the topic. Has been a major issue for me and if i remember correctly, its an issue for you too..

i guess i no longer want to quit. I read a book on how to overcome addictions and i must say this time (2nd time im reading it) it actually makes sense.

The book describes our first rejection by our parents (when we were children, long before the abuse in most cases) being the cause of a negative belief which can carry deep into adulthood. My guess is that survivors somehow have this negative belief covered up even more than most adults.

I hope you dont mind me just ranting some thoughts wink
I'm in the middle of an interesting process. Since september i've started studying buddhism with a study group and i must say i'm really beginning to appreciate buddhism as an aid to deal with all the anxiety and stress of everyday life.

Some parts - mainly the deeper teachings - are somehow confusing me. It has a lot to do with having no real fixed permanent self. My old me thought this meant that i shouldnt exist (aint that similiar to the negative belief not being good enough, which i know all too well)..

So to come back to the book, the writer states that its our running from seeing our negative belief that makes us run into our addictions. But in my case, smoking MJ didnt really change the situation, it just prolonged the dull and numb feelings i was used to. To quit, the writer says, you just need to face your core negative belief. A good way is to say it aloud in front of the mirror. The absurdity of the childhood belief can then be seen for what it is: an illusion

So i'm in the middle of letting go.. so this brings me back to your reply. Yes! I am worth it! I just need to realize I never needed anything in the first place..

Thank you and take care!
Pieter


Edited by OCN (01/28/14 06:48 PM)
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