Newest Members
JimHouston42, GKB, MorganWut, myrlin, AaronS
12466 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
dm13 (39), Jaso (34), liliana888 (43), Raju (32)
Who's Online
3 registered (CheerfulJohn, BuffaloCO, Logan), 21 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12466 Members
74 Forums
64019 Topics
446780 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#459410 - 01/25/14 10:34 PM Being Denied My Identity
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 270
Loc: Germany
Hi everyone,

I just needed to get this out there while it is fresh!

In a nutshell, I cannot stand my mother because she was very physically and emotionally abusive when I was a child and now continues a very unhealthy relationship.
Tonight during dinner she said something anti-semitic which I called her out on and my brother and dad were standing up for her- my brother said that because I'm gay and work in community outreach I allegedly think I am better than everyone else in the family. Afterwards, I hear my mom yelling at him saying not to call me gay, her son is not gay etc etc etc.

I have had to come out to my mom multiple times since 2005 when I was 14 and I have been involved with LGBTQ community work for over 5 years, in fact today I am employed by an LGBTQ human rights lobby, and she STILL denies me my identity. (Nevermind my sexual abuse and how she blames me for it- and probably uses it as legitimation for my supposed "sexual confusion".)

I feel so awful right now. Just spoke to a friend on the phone which felt good, but now my feelings are settling back in.

I wish I could delete my mom from my life. She is already emotionally and intellectually distant from me, but I cannot wait until this distance because physical too.
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

Top
#459417 - 01/26/14 12:34 AM Re: Being Denied My Identity [Re: JayBro]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 358
Loc: Ohio
I feel your frustration with the situation. For moving on, it sounds like there are a lot of choices involved. Is your home arrangement likely to be lengthy?

At some point, I found I had to face the tradeoff - either I had to extract myself and forego support to other goals or accept that by deciding to stay, as an adult I was subjecting myself to a home environment that was toxic - couldn't continue to blame unchanging persons when I knew they were unchanging and I'd already experienced that as a adult living with these people for almost a year.

Didn't sound to me like you'd been in this arrangement for a year yet yourself. But, after such a time, I found I had to ask myself where my responsibility for choosing my home environment situation was. Personally, I couldn't justify over a year, but realize each situation is likely to be unique regarding this. Found my identity could only be denied by myself because no other person ever has a real say in that anyway. Just as I don't have any real say in what another adult's identity actually is.

Hope you can find something supportive in that. Your identity is your own. I have found my own clarity about my identity can be affected by those I surround myself with though. Getting some solitude time in during stressful living arrangements is something I found helpful, though it didn't always feel plaeasant or easy.

Top
#459426 - 01/26/14 08:07 AM Re: Being Denied My Identity [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 270
Loc: Germany
Hi kcinohio,

When I moved back at the end of university in June, I was expecting to be here only until Fall 2013, but now it looks like I am waiting until Fall 2014 to start a work contract in another country (which I hope will facilitate my emigration). In the meantime, I have been working a volunteering a lot and there is a long commute which means I only see my parents in the early morning and late night. It is difficult, because on the one hand there is the financial help from not having to pay rent but on the otherside, I feel this place is so detrimental to my mental health.

I do feel emotionally distant from my family, however I am very hurt by them all the time. 10 minutes ago I told my dad about how my mom's words hurt me, and he only went on defending her (and his) right to say anti-semitic things in their own household. He is upset at me now for asking for his understanding why confusing my sexuality with my abuse was hurtful- he doesn't get it.

You're absolutely right regarding how my identity is my own. There is so much about me that others see and understand, but those folks who are supposed to be "closest" to me don't.
Solitude and peace are something that I need lately.

Thank you so much for hearing me out and providng feedback. It does help tremendously.
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

Top
#459548 - 01/27/14 07:48 PM Re: Being Denied My Identity [Re: JayBro]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 729
Loc: United States
Jaybro,

In reality, your mother can't deny you your identity - you are who you say you are. What she's doing is denial, that's for sure - a pretty common reaction to something people aren't ready to understand or accept, but it sounds like it might be the garden variety kind. I'd like to share a quote that I find very instructive in situations like this:

"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win."
- Mahatma Gandhi

It usual for people to pass through these kinds of stages when facing a truth and a change they don't want to accept. The hard truth is that it's those closest to us who are often most invested in resisting who we are becoming. You're parents could change with time as so many do, but it sounds like your mission right now is to accept yourself and learn to be okay with who you are without caring what anyone else might think.

This is a tough time for you. When I've had those times I've found the Mahatma's words prophetic and comforting, I hope they can be for you too.

-efm
_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

Top
#459554 - 01/27/14 09:17 PM Re: Being Denied My Identity [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 270
Loc: Germany
Yes, they certainly have been very comforting and helpful. Thank you.
On Sunday and I sat down with them and talked about it, and they seem to accept it inside, but are still far from at peace with it. My dad said that even though he doesnt "agree" with it, he still loves me as his son. My parents, however, aren't too keen with the idea of me being in relationships or being out, but thats not up to them.
I wonder how they will change over time, especially once my contract starts and I move abroad and continue with my life. My parents have had 9 years to process the knowledge and these last four which me living away, they seem to have began a major transformation.

Thank you again for your kindness and support. It helped tremendously.

Much love!!
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

Top
#459998 - 02/02/14 11:45 AM Re: Being Denied My Identity [Re: JayBro]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 07:01 PM)

Top
#460124 - 02/04/14 09:25 PM Re: Being Denied My Identity [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 270
Loc: Germany
Thank you Bodyguard for your response. I am so sorry to hear about your family's hurtful ignorance. Were they at your wedding? I feel like my parents are too afraid to understand and learn about sexual minorities, however they accept me as their son minus the facets of me which they refuse to acknowledge/accept. I am happy that you have peace and they have stayed at bay in the deep south.
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

Top
#460318 - 02/08/14 10:53 AM Re: Being Denied My Identity [Re: JayBro]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 07:01 PM)

Top
#460515 - 02/11/14 07:48 PM Re: Being Denied My Identity [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 270
Loc: Germany
Bodyguard, I'm so sorry. That's awful and breaks my heart, however I am so happy that you do have a loving family of in-laws who are there supporting you and your husband.

Sending you big giant HUGS
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

Top
#460541 - 02/12/14 12:11 AM Re: Being Denied My Identity [Re: JayBro]
Vadrian Offline


Registered: 09/10/11
Posts: 111
Loc: Pacific
My abusive mother acted the same way; she wrongly felt entitled to disrespect me by denying my sexuality years after I came out to her. There is nothing normal, acceptable, or understandable about that behavior. We only have to come out once, not dozens of times, and it is the obligation of other people to respect us and listen to us the first time. That counts with childhood too, parents have one chance to not beat, abuse, or allow us to be abused by others, and if they fail, they should be held accountable. If you want to delete your mother from your life, then by all means do; we aren't obligated to continue relationships with our abusers just because they are parents, or give them a wider berth then they gave us.

Personally, I cut my whole disgusting family out of my life, and I only allow people in today who respect me as a whole person, including my sexuality and my history.

Top
#460554 - 02/12/14 10:29 AM Re: Being Denied My Identity [Re: JayBro]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 729
Loc: United States
I'm sorry you had to experience that, BodyGuard. I went through a few months when I thought none of my immediate family would be at our wedding. I felt pretty crappy about it but our wedding was very small. Less than 40 people.

Ultimately one of my brothers was able to come and my husband's immediate family were all there. My family of choice flew from Australia and I was thrilled they could be there. I hope your FoC gives you as much love and support as mine has. You deserve it.

-efm
_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

Top
#460864 - 02/16/14 02:04 PM Re: Being Denied My Identity [Re: Vadrian]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 270
Loc: Germany
Hey Vadrian, I am also very sorry for what you had to experience.

HUGS
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

Top
#461089 - 02/19/14 02:23 PM Re: Being Denied My Identity [Re: JayBro]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 07:04 PM)

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.