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#459377 - 01/25/14 01:32 PM Are these things normal?
Truart Offline


Registered: 01/25/14
Posts: 14

Hello everyone! I am so happy I found this forum. Im diving straight in and hope that someone can put my mind to rest. There are a few things that have been eating away at me.


When I think about what happened I don't feel anything. I read posts from people saying they are angry. Sometimes it feels like it didn't happen to me, like it is a flashback from an earlier life.

I have a safe bubble where I can function normally. But I never dare to do anything new. I dream about travelling and meeting new people but I don't dare to do it. I bought a racing bike but I don't dare to go travel anywhere with it. My safe bubble has been shrinking all my life.

Sometimes I feel like im a kid inside my own body. I feel like 16-18 years but my exterior is nearly twice that. In some way it's like my emotional life has stopped evolving but my intellect has evolved.


Does anyone recognize themselves in this? It feels like Im crazy.

/Truart

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#459387 - 01/25/14 06:04 PM Re: Are these things normal? [Re: Truart]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 467
Loc: UK
Hi and welcome to the forum, sorry you need it but glad you have found us.

Yes everything you describe is a normal reaction to abuse and no you are not crazy even if you feel that you are sometimes. The not feeling it and it seeming to have happened in another life is pretty is a normal defence. The feelings are there but they need a safe place before they can come out. Therapy is really helpful for this, to heal from this is to first feel the feelings it was not safe to feel at the time.

The shrinking bubble is a great description, it can be about not feeling safe in the world and therefore staying in a decreasing comfort zone. Describing the kid inside is also normal, we can get emotionally stuck in parts of our development due to abuse.

Great start, hope you find it helpful here.
Peter

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#459416 - 01/25/14 11:43 PM Re: Are these things normal? [Re: Truart]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3018
Loc: O Kanada
i have experienced every one of those many times.
have no fear, we are as normal as it gets.

“An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behavior.”
~ Viktor Frankl
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#459425 - 01/26/14 08:00 AM Re: Are these things normal? [Re: Truart]
Truart Offline


Registered: 01/25/14
Posts: 14
Thank you guys.

I read a post by puffer that the emotions can be stored somewhere else and that you split the images with the feelings. It really makes sense.

You are probably right rustam. The bubble is a way to feeling safe. I realize I have been progressivly cutting out things from my life because I experienced something that made me feel shame at those places, so I would never go there again or similar places. The strategy works until you realize you have cut out every place accept the store, your university and your home. smile

If I might be so bold as to ask one more question. Going from emotionally numb to having the feelings return. To be perfectly honest that scares the s*** out of me. Just opening up a little bit have made me feel strange aches in my body and while going to sleep I thought I was having a heart attack. Was the emotions that busted fourth overwhelming for you guys? How do you summon the courage to let them out after so many year of tight compression?

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#459428 - 01/26/14 08:44 AM Re: Are these things normal? [Re: Truart]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 747
Loc: michigan
hi truart
It takes time. to be totally honest when I began to allow these things to come out I went from bad to worse. lots of behaviors that I thought were under control came back or got stronger and it is not subdued even now but it is better. I think what it takes is for you to do something that can be really hard for survivors... you have to decide YOU are worth it. once you decide that then you can channel the anger into something positive, namely fighting for yourself. it's not easy but I have to believe it can be done
jeff

BTW I have been told that fear and anger are very closely aligned. I know they are for me and it can feel very much like if I leave that bubble all hell will break loose. sometimes it does. but with help (that is the hard part for me) with help you will pull it back each time and learn from it and then move on to the next crisis. lots of work ... but worth it


Edited by newground (01/26/14 08:49 AM)
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#459431 - 01/26/14 09:23 AM Re: Are these things normal? [Re: Truart]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3018
Loc: O Kanada
i used to maintain numb (my spock alter ego) as a constant steady state of "normal".
when those floods of emotion occurred, without warning, i was often overwhelmed.
yes. i found it very uncomfortable, and disturbing.

my emotions were always powerful and passionate, whenever i could actually feel them. sometimes too much so.
this was why i tried to maintain numb (spock) as status quo.


_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#459471 - 01/26/14 09:28 PM Re: Are these things normal? [Re: Truart]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 87
Loc: west Chester, Pa
Hi Truart: I'am sorry that you need to be hear. However we. all need to be. It takes courage to open up and even start the journey to a better life. You are starting. Most of us went thru many of the same emotions and feelings. We were victims, I refuse to be a victim any longer. My perp made me a victim and I allowed him to keep making me a victim by not starting on the journey to a better life. Yes it is hard there will be low points. IT DOES GET BETTER, you have to work at it and do not let your perp win again. I do still have some hard moments, flash backs etc. They do not last as long, They do not happen as often. There effect is much less. It does work if you work it. I do wish you the best in your journey to a better life. I will not be a victim any more
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

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#459473 - 01/26/14 09:45 PM Re: Are these things normal? [Re: Truart]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 269
They often say that the abuse stunts us in the phase we were at the time of the crime, most of the time our immature behavior is just a regression into a state of perception which we carried in the time of the event, yes those things are a side effect, but don't think in terms of what is or what is not normal, you are here and you are breathing that is the basis i use now... as your healing goes on you will find that what you need to do is reconnect with your emotions, something that due to the pain most of us tend to numb out, with time new dimensions and horizons will appear just give it time...
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#459532 - 01/27/14 05:41 PM Re: Are these things normal? [Re: Truart]
Truart Offline


Registered: 01/25/14
Posts: 14
Thansks for all the replies guys.

I wish I had that belief newground. Im still second guessing so many things. At the moment all I feel is shame and confusion. One good thing came through today, I told a friend about what happened. Not any details, just that it did happen. There were a moment of fear before and a little relief after.

We sound so alike victor-victim. I used to have very strong emotions as well and I guess that's why I sealed them in very tight. The spock alter ego is so on the money. That's exactly how I feel. It took me many years to perfect Mr Spock so I guess it might take a bit of work to break down the shell as well. smile

I'm happy for you pittsburgh, releasing the victim brand and empowering yourself. I do see your point and I will not give up either. I wish you luck on your journey as well.

That really makes sense justplainme. I figure it won't go away unless you reconnect it. Today I ordered some clothes that fit my alternate lifestyle. I have always tried to melt into the background and be more normal than normal people. Not daring to be who I feel I am. Clothes have always been a big shaming point for me and I think it is one step to feel at home with who I am. Not sure about you others but I kinda feel I have no identity at all.

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#459746 - 01/30/14 01:02 AM Re: Are these things normal? [Re: Truart]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1478
Loc: New England
Welcome to MS Truart. You've already heard alot of wisdom from others. I can only add myself to the list as another guy who gets EXACTLY what you are going through. Everyones experience is different, but in many ways we are all the same. You're not alone.

Be well,

Jude
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#459794 - 01/30/14 06:24 PM Re: Are these things normal? [Re: Truart]
J1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 137
Loc: Missouri
LOL...the mention of clothes brought back very deep memories...I was very tall from an early age and having parents that were impaired daily and doing the crazy with me at night...I was fairly isolated in the home...at school I was geeky and teased for pants that were too high and short...called names like high pockets...flood wear....then in grade four they realized i was extremely nearsighted so i got glasses....

not sure how i made it through grade three..never seeing the blackboard or getting hit in the head daily at recess as I couldnt see the kick ball, baseball, tennis ball etc..no one ever beat me up but they didnt have to...I was an island,...only to return home and face the insanity...but never had dirty clothes or much issue except no shirt or slacks fit my geeky tall boy. I just also realized that I was never taught how to tie my shoelaces , since the parent thing was not about nurturing or teaching....even to this day , my laces come undone and when i retie them folks say...wow where did you learn to tie your shoes...like i am third world...

so...fast forward to getting on my own the day I could bail from home...eventually I made it through college...had a few crazy careers...I was really good at tough guy gigs..lol..did a start up///and...now I can wear nice suits that fit....but..still cant tie my shoes...but I laugh ...even in my solo sober days...life is good...we make it ...

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#459901 - 02/01/14 07:33 AM Re: Are these things normal? [Re: Truart]
Truart Offline


Registered: 01/25/14
Posts: 14
Thanks Jude. It's comforting to know so many people experience the same thing.

J1 : Sounds like a pretty rough childhood right there. I'm glad you've managed to pull through and live a better life. Though stuff that is normal for us, like not being able to tie shoelaces, is really made strange when you mirror it through other people. I think the more you talk to people, the more you realize how many things were strange growing up.

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#460007 - 02/02/14 04:47 PM Re: Are these things normal? [Re: J1]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 269
Originally Posted By: J1
LOL...the mention of clothes brought back very deep memories...I was very tall from an early age and having parents that were impaired daily and doing the crazy with me at night...I was fairly isolated in the home...at school I was geeky and teased for pants that were too high and short...called names like high pockets...flood wear....then in grade four they realized i was extremely nearsighted so i got glasses....

not sure how i made it through grade three..never seeing the blackboard or getting hit in the head daily at recess as I couldnt see the kick ball, baseball, tennis ball etc..no one ever beat me up but they didnt have to...I was an island,...only to return home and face the insanity...but never had dirty clothes or much issue except no shirt or slacks fit my geeky tall boy. I just also realized that I was never taught how to tie my shoelaces , since the parent thing was not about nurturing or teaching....even to this day , my laces come undone and when i retie them folks say...wow where did you learn to tie your shoes...like i am third world...

so...fast forward to getting on my own the day I could bail from home...eventually I made it through college...had a few crazy careers...I was really good at tough guy gigs..lol..did a start up///and...now I can wear nice suits that fit....but..still cant tie my shoes...but I laugh ...even in my solo sober days...life is good...we make it ...


Beautiful story mate.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#460008 - 02/02/14 04:52 PM Re: Are these things normal? [Re: Truart]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 269
Originally Posted By: Truart
Thansks for all the replies guys.

I wish I had that belief newground. Im still second guessing so many things. At the moment all I feel is shame and confusion. One good thing came through today, I told a friend about what happened. Not any details, just that it did happen. There were a moment of fear before and a little relief after.

We sound so alike victor-victim. I used to have very strong emotions as well and I guess that's why I sealed them in very tight. The spock alter ego is so on the money. That's exactly how I feel. It took me many years to perfect Mr Spock so I guess it might take a bit of work to break down the shell as well. smile

I'm happy for you pittsburgh, releasing the victim brand and empowering yourself. I do see your point and I will not give up either. I wish you luck on your journey as well.

That really makes sense justplainme. I figure it won't go away unless you reconnect it. Today I ordered some clothes that fit my alternate lifestyle. I have always tried to melt into the background and be more normal than normal people. Not daring to be who I feel I am. Clothes have always been a big shaming point for me and I think it is one step to feel at home with who I am. Not sure about you others but I kinda feel I have no identity at all.


I sometimes feel the same way about the identity bit, but i have researched a lot and have found that our personalities are hardwired for survival, we adopt many roles in order to survive our childhood, the brain is that marvelous, that is why our sexualities suffer so much, some had to act as something different than who they are in order to not be killed by their rapist, some had to act as the parent and not the child, deep down our sexualities reveal the deepest aspects of our identity, with healing the how, what, and why will become clearer. Find yourself and love yourself brother Truart!
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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