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#459344 - 01/24/14 10:30 PM story about me
Andrew3172 Offline


Registered: 01/23/14
Posts: 11
"Trigger warning"
Hi my name is andrew
I am a survivor of being sexually abused. I was abused from the age of 4 until I was an adult. I was sexually abused by men and by my mother. I was physically and mentally abused by my parents. I am finding it difficult to trust people all my life.i hate myself I just wanted to forget the pain and hurt I want to be free to be me .not a man in prison with chains .
A very good friend of mine encourage me to speak out about what happened to me. Please don't judge me for my story. Like I said in my outline of my story .I was sexually abused by a man at the age of four years old I can't remember the details of the abuse. I just remember being scared of my bedroom and men .I started wearing my clothes to

I struggled with the knowledge that my father sexually abused me I have really really struggled with this to the point of breaking point .I don't know any more how I and get over this huge betrayal from the one's that were to protect me. Argh! !!!!!

"Trigger warning"
Hi just wanted to update my story I found it very very challenging to be able too write more about my story.in the last couple of weeks I hit a brick wall snd it floored me yo the ground I kept getting bad dreams about a farm. I had a flashback and I remembered what happened there that my father sexually abused me I cried big time.the amount of emotions that overwhelmed me was nearly too much for me to bear. I felt crushed by the pain that I was going through. I kept asking why me and why was I born.
Bed. I was always in trouble for wearing my yard clothes to bed .I didn't feel safe. Years passed and I was 10 when my cousin and his friend forced me to give them head job and they both raped me I had blood and cum running down my legs an hour later they raped me again. I didn't understand why they did this this happened again by my cousin st his place.my cousin was 7yrs order than me . around the same time I went to scouts where the leader was molesting me every time I was there. I tried telling my parents but they didn't believe me .I got flogged for lying.
The years that followed I was molested by more men.one was a minister of my church he had a thing for good looking boys.i was always in his office naked from the waist down he liked sitting his boys on his lap as he dick got hard . sorry this is still so real for me it was like it was yesterday. He always said don't tell dont you tell andrew I'll make your family pay for it if you do.i was scared stiff.i had a erection because of fear not because of pleasure. This abuse went on for three years. When I turned 12 my mom sexually abused me because I looked like my dad. After she did this she whipped me until my body was black and blue. I I wasn't safe anywhere. I guess I gave into the abuse and detached myself from what was happening to my body..when the men had finished getting thier rocks off I would scrub myself in the bathroom until my skin bled. I used to steal my sisters pads to wear so it would catch the blood .we moved to the country that was great for me not as much abuse so I thought. Sometimes I swore that I had a blue bright light saying abuse this boy .I reached high school come summer winter I wore neck to feet clothing the more layers the better. I wanted to be ugly so men didnt crack onto me. This worked for a while .I never used public toilets .I be always in fight mode always looking for a way to escape. I turned 17am and all was well in my life until my twin raped me I had no where to go he had pinned me face down on my bed and did his thing up my arse .After this happened I left home and stayed with friends. That took a lot out of me writing this down . I am trying hard to find peace where I feel no peace. I am guttered my heart is breaking in pain.I am trying to remain strong and together I can't see away out .





bed. Because I was soooo scared that someone would come into my bed.i was





Edited by Andrew3172 (02/13/14 01:43 AM)

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#459346 - 01/24/14 11:09 PM Re: story about me [Re: Andrew3172]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1513
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Andrew3172
...I want to be free to be me, not a man in prison with chains....

Dear Andrew,

Your post was short, but it said EVERYTHING. Welcome to MS. Your desire for freedom is shared by nearly 12,000 men here. We don't have all the answers, but we all have this common experience that has twisted our lives in so many ways. This is as safe a place as can possibly be to talk about it without judgement or condemnation. You've made a good start.

Be well,

Jude
_________________________
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?.
The Who

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#459412 - 01/25/14 11:09 PM Re: story about me [Re: Andrew3172]
Andrew3172 Offline


Registered: 01/23/14
Posts: 11
Thank you jude .I did just a very brief outline because I am still very very scared of sharing too much of my life story. Sorry about that .

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#459415 - 01/25/14 11:35 PM Re: story about me [Re: Andrew3172]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3333
Loc: O Kanada
the truth will set you free.
by reaching out, and being honest
you have taken the all important first step in your journey to self discovery, recovery, and liberty.

congratulations and welcome.

my heart goes out to you.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#459496 - 01/27/14 08:21 AM Re: story about me [Re: Andrew3172]
Andrew3172 Offline


Registered: 01/23/14
Posts: 11
Thanks victor it has just taken a long time to get to this stage man

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#459512 - 01/27/14 01:22 PM Re: story about me [Re: Andrew3172]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Iowa, USA
Andrew,

I'm sorry for what happened to you and I'm glad you found MS. No one will judge you for what happened. Here you will find support and caring. You've already taken the hardest step, which is to reach out for help. Your story is yours, but you will find a lot of guys who can relate to what you've said. I wish you the best. Good luck

Dave

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#459517 - 01/27/14 02:34 PM Re: story about me [Re: Andrew3172]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3333
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: Andrew3172
Thanks victor it has just taken a long time to get to this stage man


All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts.
- William Shakespeare
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#459523 - 01/27/14 03:16 PM Re: story about me [Re: Andrew3172]
Andrew3172 Offline


Registered: 01/23/14
Posts: 11
Thanks dave I fo appreciate your comments man.

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#459542 - 01/27/14 06:26 PM Re: story about me [Re: Andrew3172]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 219
Loc: Western Europe
Thanks for sharing your story Andrew..

I really feel bad reading what you've had to go through.. What a lot of damage to a child

And yet, luckily here you are! You've made such an important step. You deserve the best of help and support!

Thank you for taking such a brave step to tell all this!
I really wish you well!!

Take care Andrew! You've done great!

Pieter
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#459570 - 01/28/14 01:28 AM Re: story about me [Re: Andrew3172]
Andrew3172 Offline


Registered: 01/23/14
Posts: 11
Thanks man it took a lot for me to share but I feel a lot better for sharing my story thanks pieter

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#459593 - 01/28/14 12:28 PM Re: story about me [Re: Andrew3172]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 219
Loc: Western Europe
Originally Posted By: Andrew3172
Thanks man it took a lot for me to share but I feel a lot better for sharing my story thanks pieter

Yes.. i never believed it would actually help me, but last year i was in the same position.

I hope you'll find support with friends. The first step i took was sharing the story online, after that family and friends were next. With each time you tell your story, i found that there is a lot of stress released afterwards.. guess its up to us to really own the story before we can let it all be

Good sign you're feeling better! I bet most of us here on MS know the truth that sharing your story is healing indeed!

All the best Andrew!
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#459605 - 01/28/14 03:42 PM Re: story about me [Re: Andrew3172]
Andrew3172 Offline


Registered: 01/23/14
Posts: 11
I stll believe that it was my fault .I can't seem to believe that it wasn't. I have always said if only I had been a better son ir a better boy a a better person tgen it wouldn't have happened to me. I still hate myself and I am dealing with dealing with the whole sexual identity thing which I am totally screwed in the head about. I just want to be a normal hot blooded sex driven male.

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#459608 - 01/28/14 03:52 PM Re: story about me [Re: Andrew3172]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Andrew, this is such a brave thing that you did. Well done man, I can just imagine what it took to write this.
Your story Im sure will resonate with many men on here.
Keep writing Andrew it is very cathartic, and will really help you.

Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#459615 - 01/28/14 05:45 PM Re: story about me [Re: Andrew3172]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Virginia
Hi Andrew,

Kudos to you for surviving all this, and thank you for posting your story. It shows how strong you actually are, regardless of what you may be feeling. I found the following at http://www.1in6.org/men that helped me immensely when I first started to deal with my own experiences.

These are myths that a great many sexual abuse survivors believe and/or get trapped in. It was extremely beneficial to me to really internalize these things to help get over the guilt, shame, confusion and so on.

1. Boys and men can be sexually abused, and it has nothing to do with how masculine they are.

2. If a boy liked the attention he was getting, or got sexually aroused during abuse, or even sometimes wanted the attention or sexual contact, this does not mean he wanted or liked being manipulated or abused, or that any part of what happened, in any way, was his responsibility or fault. (Italics added.)

3. Boys can be sexually abused by both straight men and gay men. Sexual abuse is the result of abusive behavior that takes advantage of a child’s vulnerability and is in no way related to the sexual orientation of the abusive person.

4. Whether he is gay, straight or bisexual, a boy’s sexual orientation is neither the cause or the result of sexual abuse. By focusing on the abusive nature of sexual abuse rather than the sexual aspects of the interaction, it becomes easier to understand that sexual abuse has nothing to do with a boy’s sexual orientation. (Italics added.)

5. Girls and women can sexually abuse boys. The boys are not “lucky,” but exploited and harmed.

6. Most boys who are sexually abused will not go on to abuse others.

7. This one's from me. Every child deserves a life completely free of sexual abuse, period. It is NOT contingent on ANY sort of behavior on the child's part. If a child believes he "brought it on himself," that it wouldn't have happened if he were a "better person," "better son," "better brother," and so on, he needs to understand that this thinking has NO VALIDITY WHATSOEVER. Abusers often use these myths to justify their abuse, and we survivors often believe them. It's absolutely critical to realize that the abuse was NOT THE SURVIVOR'S FAULT.

I also really want to encourage you to check out the "Lies" postings at MS. Type "Lies" into the search box and it should take you to the posting thread. Survivors come out of the abuse believing all sorts of very false things, and this thread really helped me combat the destruction my own abuse caused for me.

I'm not a therapist, but these are all things that helped me when I was going through what you're feeling right now. Believe me, knowledge is power, so learn all you can as you're comfortable. Heal well.

Bob


Edited by gettingstronger (01/28/14 06:01 PM)
_________________________
Don't let "three steps forward and two steps back" bother you. Thirty steps forward and twenty back are still ten steps in the right direction.

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#459616 - 01/28/14 06:00 PM Re: story about me [Re: Andrew3172]
Andrew3172 Offline


Registered: 01/23/14
Posts: 11
Thanks bob I will look into that man

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#459629 - 01/28/14 08:35 PM Re: story about me [Re: Andrew3172]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3333
Loc: O Kanada
great threads about LIES.
LIES we were told.
LIES we tell ourselves.
LIES we beLIEve.

All Lies:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=3332&page=1

List of Lies.
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=403120

Lies in my Head.
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=401610

the following is so absolutely TRUE,
it really needs to be repeatedly read.

Originally Posted By: gettingstronger TRUTH!
1. Boys and men can be sexually abused, and it has nothing to do with how masculine they are.

2. If a boy liked the attention he was getting, or got sexually aroused during abuse, or even sometimes wanted the attention or sexual contact, this does not mean he wanted or liked being manipulated or abused, or that any part of what happened, in any way, was his responsibility or fault.

3. Boys can be sexually abused by both straight men and gay men. Sexual abuse is the result of abusive behavior that takes advantage of a child’s vulnerability and is in no way related to the sexual orientation of the abusive person.

4. Whether he is gay, straight or bisexual, a boy’s sexual orientation is neither the cause or the result of sexual abuse. By focusing on the abusive nature of sexual abuse rather than the sexual aspects of the interaction, it becomes easier to understand that sexual abuse has nothing to do with a boy’s sexual orientation.

5. Girls and women can sexually abuse boys. The boys are not “lucky,” but exploited and harmed.

6. Most boys who are sexually abused will not go on to abuse others.

7. This one's from me. Every child deserves a life completely free of sexual abuse, period. It is NOT contingent on ANY sort of behavior on the child's part. If a child believes he "brought it on himself," that it wouldn't have happened if he were a "better person," "better son," "better brother," and so on, he needs to understand that this thinking has NO VALIDITY WHATSOEVER. Abusers often use these myths to justify their abuse, and we survivors often believe them. It's absolutely critical to realize that the abuse was NOT THE SURVIVOR'S FAULT.

_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#459642 - 01/28/14 11:41 PM Re: story about me [Re: Andrew3172]
Andrew3172 Offline


Registered: 01/23/14
Posts: 11
Thanks Victor for your help and support man

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#459645 - 01/28/14 11:50 PM Re: story about me [Re: Andrew3172]
freeze-on Offline


Registered: 08/08/09
Posts: 72
Loc: southeast
Andrew.

You are brave bro. You made it through a lot. Your healing can start now among others who share the pain...and the hope.

You are worth much much more than what was done. You are not 'it'....

Hang in there man. Take it easy on yourself. And know you are not alone.

You have come a long way!

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#459654 - 01/29/14 03:27 AM Re: story about me [Re: Andrew3172]
Andrew3172 Offline


Registered: 01/23/14
Posts: 11
Thanks freeze on

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#459655 - 01/29/14 03:47 AM Re: story about me [Re: Andrew3172]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3333
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: Andrew3172
That took a lot out of me writing this down.


and the more you disclose, the more will be taken out of you.
what is being taken out of you?
poison, infection, disease, cancer, garbage, pollution, corruption, toxic waste.
let it go! good riddance! all that sh!t causes death.

breaking your silence was difficult.
but consider the alternative.

i have posted excerpts here from a Scientific American article which clearly illustrate what why you did the right thing.

Originally Posted By: Scientific American
Over several decades, Daniel Wegner has been exploring the cognitive consequences of secrecy; and what he has found is not good news for would-be secret keepers. In a series of studies in the 1990s, Wegner and colleagues found that secret thoughts not only functioned in a way that was similar to suppressed thoughts, suggesting the same cognitive mechanism underlying the two, but that they were more accessible—in other words, people more easily recalled memories that they had been asked to keep secret than memories that they had told the truth or lied about—and came to mind much more often (and more often unintentionally) than any other thoughts (so, we tend to think more often of things that we’ve kept secret, than we do of things we haven’t).

Put simply, our secrets preoccupy us. The more we try to keep them at bay, the more they rise up in our minds. The more we try to fight back, the more likely we are to slip up—in another study, Wegner found that people were much more likely to give an experimenter unintentional hints about something they were supposed to keep secret than they were to say something about a word, phrase, or image that they thought the experiment knew as well; and then, they were more likely to over-compensate and give themselves away even further—and the more taxing the effort will be on our minds. In fact, Wegner does Freud (as firm an adherent of the secret-as-enemy school of thought as ever there was) one better, showing that not only do personal secrets result in outward signs of distress or trauma, but that secrecy can itself create further unwanted thoughts, further exacerbating the cycle. And personal secrets, like a stigma that can be hidden? The effects get worse quickly, getting so bad as to be termed a private hell for the secret-keeper: the more personal and personally revealing a topic, the harder the effects of keeping it hidden will strike.

The mechanism’s effects play out far beyond the laboratory. Numerous researchers have demonstrated that keeping family secrets, such as abuse or parentage, often results in dysfunctional households—and that keeping personal secrets related to traumatic experiences is a frequent cause of psychological and physical health problems. In fact, Holocaust victims who talked about memories that they had long kept to themselves showed a marked improvement in health 14 months after the interview—and the more they disclosed, the more they improved.

It’s remarkably taxing to keep something private. Keeping a secret means keeping up an act—and the bigger the secret and larger the audience, the greater the effort that must go into that act. And that effort isn’t just behavioral; we must also refresh it over and over in our minds. Wegner calls it the preoccupation model of secrecy: we suppress a thought; that suppression in turn causes the thought to rebound (for more on this process, you can read about his thought suppression experiments here); the rebound causes increased efforts at suppression; and the cycle continues ad infinitum.

Indeed, a secret that seemed small and inconsequential when you decided to keep it can take on a life of its own if you let it fester unattended. How many times have you not told someone something because it didn’t seem like the right time, only to find it harder and harder to say it—and to find yourself obsessing over why you didn’t, whether you should, what it all means, and on and on? Break the cycle, and you’re well on your way to freeing your mind. Only the cycle can be a tough one to break.

There’s certainly a time and a place for secrets. But before you agree to keep one for someone else—or before you decide to do something that would require you to keep one of your own—think twice. The act may be long since done, but the consequences of secrecy will remain. The truth often hurts, no question about it. But so does not telling it.

source study: www.wjh.harvard.edu/~wegner/pdfs/Lane&Wegner1995.pdf


i believe this to be fair use of copyrighted material

_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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