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#459593 - 01/28/14 12:28 PM Re: story about me [Re: Andrew3172]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 219
Loc: Western Europe
Originally Posted By: Andrew3172
Thanks man it took a lot for me to share but I feel a lot better for sharing my story thanks pieter

Yes.. i never believed it would actually help me, but last year i was in the same position.

I hope you'll find support with friends. The first step i took was sharing the story online, after that family and friends were next. With each time you tell your story, i found that there is a lot of stress released afterwards.. guess its up to us to really own the story before we can let it all be

Good sign you're feeling better! I bet most of us here on MS know the truth that sharing your story is healing indeed!

All the best Andrew!
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#459605 - 01/28/14 03:42 PM Re: story about me [Re: Andrew3172]
Andrew3172 Offline


Registered: 01/23/14
Posts: 11
I stll believe that it was my fault .I can't seem to believe that it wasn't. I have always said if only I had been a better son ir a better boy a a better person tgen it wouldn't have happened to me. I still hate myself and I am dealing with dealing with the whole sexual identity thing which I am totally screwed in the head about. I just want to be a normal hot blooded sex driven male.

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#459608 - 01/28/14 03:52 PM Re: story about me [Re: Andrew3172]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Andrew, this is such a brave thing that you did. Well done man, I can just imagine what it took to write this.
Your story Im sure will resonate with many men on here.
Keep writing Andrew it is very cathartic, and will really help you.

Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#459615 - 01/28/14 05:45 PM Re: story about me [Re: Andrew3172]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 154
Loc: Virginia
Hi Andrew,

Kudos to you for surviving all this, and thank you for posting your story. It shows how strong you actually are, regardless of what you may be feeling. I found the following at http://www.1in6.org/men that helped me immensely when I first started to deal with my own experiences.

These are myths that a great many sexual abuse survivors believe and/or get trapped in. It was extremely beneficial to me to really internalize these things to help get over the guilt, shame, confusion and so on.

1. Boys and men can be sexually abused, and it has nothing to do with how masculine they are.

2. If a boy liked the attention he was getting, or got sexually aroused during abuse, or even sometimes wanted the attention or sexual contact, this does not mean he wanted or liked being manipulated or abused, or that any part of what happened, in any way, was his responsibility or fault. (Italics added.)

3. Boys can be sexually abused by both straight men and gay men. Sexual abuse is the result of abusive behavior that takes advantage of a child’s vulnerability and is in no way related to the sexual orientation of the abusive person.

4. Whether he is gay, straight or bisexual, a boy’s sexual orientation is neither the cause or the result of sexual abuse. By focusing on the abusive nature of sexual abuse rather than the sexual aspects of the interaction, it becomes easier to understand that sexual abuse has nothing to do with a boy’s sexual orientation. (Italics added.)

5. Girls and women can sexually abuse boys. The boys are not “lucky,” but exploited and harmed.

6. Most boys who are sexually abused will not go on to abuse others.

7. This one's from me. Every child deserves a life completely free of sexual abuse, period. It is NOT contingent on ANY sort of behavior on the child's part. If a child believes he "brought it on himself," that it wouldn't have happened if he were a "better person," "better son," "better brother," and so on, he needs to understand that this thinking has NO VALIDITY WHATSOEVER. Abusers often use these myths to justify their abuse, and we survivors often believe them. It's absolutely critical to realize that the abuse was NOT THE SURVIVOR'S FAULT.

I also really want to encourage you to check out the "Lies" postings at MS. Type "Lies" into the search box and it should take you to the posting thread. Survivors come out of the abuse believing all sorts of very false things, and this thread really helped me combat the destruction my own abuse caused for me.

I'm not a therapist, but these are all things that helped me when I was going through what you're feeling right now. Believe me, knowledge is power, so learn all you can as you're comfortable. Heal well.

Bob


Edited by gettingstronger (01/28/14 06:01 PM)
_________________________
Don't let "three steps forward and two steps back" bother you. Thirty steps forward and twenty back are still ten steps in the right direction.

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#459616 - 01/28/14 06:00 PM Re: story about me [Re: Andrew3172]
Andrew3172 Offline


Registered: 01/23/14
Posts: 11
Thanks bob I will look into that man

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#459629 - 01/28/14 08:35 PM Re: story about me [Re: Andrew3172]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3323
Loc: O Kanada
great threads about LIES.
LIES we were told.
LIES we tell ourselves.
LIES we beLIEve.

All Lies:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=3332&page=1

List of Lies.
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=403120

Lies in my Head.
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=401610

the following is so absolutely TRUE,
it really needs to be repeatedly read.

Originally Posted By: gettingstronger TRUTH!
1. Boys and men can be sexually abused, and it has nothing to do with how masculine they are.

2. If a boy liked the attention he was getting, or got sexually aroused during abuse, or even sometimes wanted the attention or sexual contact, this does not mean he wanted or liked being manipulated or abused, or that any part of what happened, in any way, was his responsibility or fault.

3. Boys can be sexually abused by both straight men and gay men. Sexual abuse is the result of abusive behavior that takes advantage of a child’s vulnerability and is in no way related to the sexual orientation of the abusive person.

4. Whether he is gay, straight or bisexual, a boy’s sexual orientation is neither the cause or the result of sexual abuse. By focusing on the abusive nature of sexual abuse rather than the sexual aspects of the interaction, it becomes easier to understand that sexual abuse has nothing to do with a boy’s sexual orientation.

5. Girls and women can sexually abuse boys. The boys are not “lucky,” but exploited and harmed.

6. Most boys who are sexually abused will not go on to abuse others.

7. This one's from me. Every child deserves a life completely free of sexual abuse, period. It is NOT contingent on ANY sort of behavior on the child's part. If a child believes he "brought it on himself," that it wouldn't have happened if he were a "better person," "better son," "better brother," and so on, he needs to understand that this thinking has NO VALIDITY WHATSOEVER. Abusers often use these myths to justify their abuse, and we survivors often believe them. It's absolutely critical to realize that the abuse was NOT THE SURVIVOR'S FAULT.

_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#459642 - 01/28/14 11:41 PM Re: story about me [Re: Andrew3172]
Andrew3172 Offline


Registered: 01/23/14
Posts: 11
Thanks Victor for your help and support man

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#459645 - 01/28/14 11:50 PM Re: story about me [Re: Andrew3172]
freeze-on Offline


Registered: 08/08/09
Posts: 72
Loc: southeast
Andrew.

You are brave bro. You made it through a lot. Your healing can start now among others who share the pain...and the hope.

You are worth much much more than what was done. You are not 'it'....

Hang in there man. Take it easy on yourself. And know you are not alone.

You have come a long way!

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#459654 - 01/29/14 03:27 AM Re: story about me [Re: Andrew3172]
Andrew3172 Offline


Registered: 01/23/14
Posts: 11
Thanks freeze on

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#459655 - 01/29/14 03:47 AM Re: story about me [Re: Andrew3172]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3323
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: Andrew3172
That took a lot out of me writing this down.


and the more you disclose, the more will be taken out of you.
what is being taken out of you?
poison, infection, disease, cancer, garbage, pollution, corruption, toxic waste.
let it go! good riddance! all that sh!t causes death.

breaking your silence was difficult.
but consider the alternative.

i have posted excerpts here from a Scientific American article which clearly illustrate what why you did the right thing.

Originally Posted By: Scientific American
Over several decades, Daniel Wegner has been exploring the cognitive consequences of secrecy; and what he has found is not good news for would-be secret keepers. In a series of studies in the 1990s, Wegner and colleagues found that secret thoughts not only functioned in a way that was similar to suppressed thoughts, suggesting the same cognitive mechanism underlying the two, but that they were more accessible—in other words, people more easily recalled memories that they had been asked to keep secret than memories that they had told the truth or lied about—and came to mind much more often (and more often unintentionally) than any other thoughts (so, we tend to think more often of things that we’ve kept secret, than we do of things we haven’t).

Put simply, our secrets preoccupy us. The more we try to keep them at bay, the more they rise up in our minds. The more we try to fight back, the more likely we are to slip up—in another study, Wegner found that people were much more likely to give an experimenter unintentional hints about something they were supposed to keep secret than they were to say something about a word, phrase, or image that they thought the experiment knew as well; and then, they were more likely to over-compensate and give themselves away even further—and the more taxing the effort will be on our minds. In fact, Wegner does Freud (as firm an adherent of the secret-as-enemy school of thought as ever there was) one better, showing that not only do personal secrets result in outward signs of distress or trauma, but that secrecy can itself create further unwanted thoughts, further exacerbating the cycle. And personal secrets, like a stigma that can be hidden? The effects get worse quickly, getting so bad as to be termed a private hell for the secret-keeper: the more personal and personally revealing a topic, the harder the effects of keeping it hidden will strike.

The mechanism’s effects play out far beyond the laboratory. Numerous researchers have demonstrated that keeping family secrets, such as abuse or parentage, often results in dysfunctional households—and that keeping personal secrets related to traumatic experiences is a frequent cause of psychological and physical health problems. In fact, Holocaust victims who talked about memories that they had long kept to themselves showed a marked improvement in health 14 months after the interview—and the more they disclosed, the more they improved.

It’s remarkably taxing to keep something private. Keeping a secret means keeping up an act—and the bigger the secret and larger the audience, the greater the effort that must go into that act. And that effort isn’t just behavioral; we must also refresh it over and over in our minds. Wegner calls it the preoccupation model of secrecy: we suppress a thought; that suppression in turn causes the thought to rebound (for more on this process, you can read about his thought suppression experiments here); the rebound causes increased efforts at suppression; and the cycle continues ad infinitum.

Indeed, a secret that seemed small and inconsequential when you decided to keep it can take on a life of its own if you let it fester unattended. How many times have you not told someone something because it didn’t seem like the right time, only to find it harder and harder to say it—and to find yourself obsessing over why you didn’t, whether you should, what it all means, and on and on? Break the cycle, and you’re well on your way to freeing your mind. Only the cycle can be a tough one to break.

There’s certainly a time and a place for secrets. But before you agree to keep one for someone else—or before you decide to do something that would require you to keep one of your own—think twice. The act may be long since done, but the consequences of secrecy will remain. The truth often hurts, no question about it. But so does not telling it.

source study: www.wjh.harvard.edu/~wegner/pdfs/Lane&Wegner1995.pdf


i believe this to be fair use of copyrighted material

_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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