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#459190 - 01/22/14 02:50 PM I don't want to grow up
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
There is a current page in facebook, I don't want to grow up. I don't want to post in it there because it's too public. But this has been a major issue with me.

https://www.facebook.com/bo.budinsky/pos...d_comment_reply

I had dissociative disorder from early abuse. I never really quite knew who I was. Then when I started therapy I realized that a big chunk of me was still a child. Some of me was stuck at age 12, and some at other ages.

So, YES. I've had that "big time".

So, is it fun?? Is it like being a child again? to enjoy the freedom of youth? No. It's hell. To remember being abused as a little boy and being locked into those feelings.

EMDR was what got me out of it for the most part.

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (01/22/14 04:13 PM)

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#459209 - 01/22/14 09:12 PM Re: I don't want to grow up [Re: pufferfish]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1131
Loc: The ATL

Hi Puff. I know all about not wanting to grow up. Or, perhaps I should say not being able to. I'm not sure my reasons are the same as yours and I don't think I'm disassociative. (Unless I am and it's just never been properly diagnosed.) All I know is that I have never felt like an adult and that I live my life as the perennial man-child. It comes through in the way I dress, the way I live, the way I interact with others, the way I decorate my apartment, my child-like nature, my at times infantile sense of humor, etc. Sure, I could change the way I dress and decorate and whatnot but it would be a facade. Even then, the kid that never grew up would come out of me in other obvious ways that others would no doubt find odd.

It really doesn't make any sense, because my childhood f'ing sucked and you'd think I'd want to put as much space between myself and it as possible but, for some reason, I only ever find myself doing the opposite. Peace,

Ken

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#459213 - 01/22/14 10:01 PM Re: I don't want to grow up [Re: pufferfish]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 734
Loc: Southeast USA
Ken and Puffer:

Maybe it is because we want unlimited "do-overs"?

Will


Edited by Suwanee (01/22/14 10:02 PM)
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#459265 - 01/23/14 11:38 AM Re: I don't want to grow up [Re: pufferfish]
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3369
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
I don't know that I ever directly thought that "I don't want to grow up" - but... there is indeed a part of me that never has quite grown up - my wife actualy seems to love that part of me - my daughter seems to be bringing that part of me out more often lately - it's not the painful youth part though (that part of me has faded over the past many years)- it's the youth that always wanted to play and was never able to as a child
_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#459267 - 01/23/14 11:52 AM Re: I don't want to grow up [Re: pufferfish]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 263
Loc: Western Europe
pff.. difficult issue Puffer!

For myself, i'm coming to terms with not really knowing what growing up is. The things people told me and taught me about it, haven't helped me to understand what is happening.
The thing which struck me, was that i've been going through this whole circuit starting with school and at the end it abruptly finished at university.

I never really grew up to work or love working. Guess it has a lot to do with me not wanting to show others that i fail - well everybody fails once in a while anyway..
So to me the shock was big when i realized that i hadn't been prepared for anything significant. All these years of studying and going to college and learn and making exams.. it all lead to what? A giant and deep abyss i might say lol

I realized that growing up is a process. A process which can't be taught or explained in words. You have to go through it yourself. So far so good. But as one puts SA in the equation, this process gets damaged quite a lot. Some parts remain stuck at that level (you mention a 12 year old; i seem to have some recognition of this too) while others grow on.

I guess - but its really just my opinion, so please dont be too offended - that there isnt really a problem with the child and adult inside. The problem is that they don't communicate and/or don't know how to communicate with eachother. Both realize they need eachother (the adult needs the child to loosen up, to enjoy the bright and fun side of life; the child needs the adult to make sense of the world, it needs the distinction an adult makes).

But can one fix a broken childhood? Some say it can be done, others say you can't change the past. Well, where does it leave us? It leaves us in a no-mansland. Not child, not adult, not neither, not both. Everything turns out to be very existential. That is one of my major issues. Taking everything serious and looking for deeper meaning. But in secret i feel so damn afraid to just let the child run loose, no longer trying to block out feelings of shame and regret, but instead step over them and laugh with em.

Puffer, take it easy on the kid! If it really is afraid of being 12 'again', try to comfort it with your adult you.

I find it difficult to give you any direction or answer, but i hope that you'll find something in this post.

Take care m8!
Pieter
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#459311 - 01/24/14 04:05 AM Re: I don't want to grow up [Re: pufferfish]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
"I Don't Wanna Grow Up"

When I'm lyin' in my bed at night
I don't wanna grow up
Nothin' ever seems to turn out right
I don't wanna grow up
How do you move in a world of fog
That's always changing things
Makes me wish that I could be a dog
When I see the price that you pay
I don't wanna grow up
I don't ever wanna be that way
I don't wanna grow up

Seems like folks turn into things
That they'd never want
The only thing to live for
Is today
I'm gonna put a hole in my TV set
I don't wanna grow up
Open up the medicine chest
And I don't wanna grow up
I don't wanna have to shout it out
I don't want my hair to fall out
I don't wanna be filled with doubt
I don't wanna be a good boy scout
I don't wanna have to learn to count
I don't wanna have the biggest amount
I don't wanna grow up

Well when I see my parents fight
I don't wanna grow up
They all go out and drinking all night
And I don't wanna grow up
I'd rather stay here in my room
Nothin' out there but sad and gloom
I don't wanna live in a big old Tomb
On Grand Street

When I see the 5 o'clock news
I don't wanna grow up
Comb their hair and shine their shoes
I don't wanna grow up
Stay around in my old hometown
I don't wanna put no money down
I don't wanna get me a big old loan
Work them fingers to the bone
I don't wanna float a broom
Fall in and get married then boom
How the hell did I get here so soon
I don't wanna grow up


lyrics by Tom Waits

------------------------------------------

This is one of my favourite Tom Waits tunes.
It is a jewel.

i didn't wanna grow up,
so i didn't.
but the odd thing is,
because of the CSA,
i was grown up before i started school.

that is the strange tale of my precocious peterpan manchild syndrome.

seems to be the case with a lot of survivors.

arrested development and premature aging all rolled into one.

double dysfunction dilemma.


_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#459314 - 01/24/14 04:44 AM Re: I don't want to grow up [Re: pufferfish]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 589
Puffer,

I'm probably taking this from a different angle, but the topic of your post really resonated with me and I felt compelled to add my two cents...

I think I belong to the group of perennial man-childs, as Ken neatly put it. There's a part of me that just refuses to grow up. The last few years have been interesting for me because I got to hang out with kids who are more or less of the age when my abuse happened. Despite having nearly a decade between us, they accepted me with open arms, and it's a nice feeling. Maybe it reflects my mental age. crazy It was kind of like a dream come true in that I got to live out the kid inside me in a safe environment. And now that that has happened, I don't want to let go of that feeling. I'm not ready to let go of the...I guess, illusion. It really is a do-over, as Will said. But the depressing truth is that the past can't be unwritten nor rewritten - accepting the reality that I had my childhood stolen from me is a lot more painful than living in an illusion where I get to live out a better childhood. I know at some point - and some point soon, at that - that I will have to move on, but I'm just not ready to. The burden of adulthood is still too much for me to bear at the moment. Perhaps what Pieter said really is the best solution - a continued dialogue between the adult and child within us. I think so often abuse produces that split, that dichotomy, which makes things very confusing. Being that protective, loving adult for the child within us, when we never had that presence in our lives - that's a tall order for sure, but at times it does seem possible; just needs a bit of consistency and repetition, I guess.

Originally Posted By: victor-victim
i didn't wanna grow up,
so i didn't.
but the odd thing is,
because of the CSA,
i was grown up before i started school.


Yes.
_________________________
Husky

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#459317 - 01/24/14 08:50 AM Re: I don't want to grow up [Re: pufferfish]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3449
Loc: somewhere in Africa
I think for me it was the opposite - I grew up at a very young age and never remember feeling like a child. i always felt more mature and burdened with responsibility than my peers - I thought they were too silly and not serious enough. I don't think I was ever irresponsible, thoughtless and spontaneous. I'd have to go way back to find the carefree version of myself.

lee


Edited by traveler (01/24/14 08:51 AM)
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#459334 - 01/24/14 04:53 PM Re: I don't want to grow up [Re: traveler]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Interesting thoughts.

I have read here of guys having an "inner child". I'm not sure it's the same thing as being dissociated into one or more inner children. The difference might be the presence of amnesia with the dissociated inner child produced by abuse at an early age. The dissociated inner child may have huge memories and feelings of terrible abuse but because these are blocked from the adult memory (for reasons of life and sanity) they seem not to be there.

My dissociated child (or brother) named Buzzy became a conscious reality when I remembered the abuse. He seemed like the stronger of the two: Adult and boy Buzzy (age 12). Yet he couldn't be seen in public because he didn't know how to act like an adult. He had been secluded those many years by the torture which imposed the condition. People are not very insightful and are quick to point a finger when they don't understand an issue such as this. One afternoon there was a church picnic. I was experimenting a little with being Buzzy. Buzzy wanted to be "out" because it was a picnic. But do you know how 12-year-olds are? I went into the picnic yard as Buzzy and I felt terribly shabby (A Raggy Boy). I looked down and the fly on my jeans was open. Nothing showed but Buzzy had toxic shame and the situation collapsed.

Puffer

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#459335 - 01/24/14 06:17 PM Re: I don't want to grow up [Re: pufferfish]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3449
Loc: somewhere in Africa
I do have an "inner child" - or as I prefer to say - a "younger self" - it makes us seem more connected - and that is one of his biggest hurts - being isolated. He hid from me for most of my life. Now I have found him but little lee feels very powerless. Though as I just learned - he is stronger than either of us realized. But he has a hard time communicating with big LEE - and I have a hard time understanding him at times. I lost him for a long time just as i lost my memories of much of my childhood - and have felt OLD for most of my life - as far as I can remember. I would guess that reconnecting with him and recovering my memories were mutually triggering. One would not have happened without the other.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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