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#459302 - 01/24/14 01:49 AM I just want to be able to make friends :(
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1408
Loc: California
Something so simple shouldn't be so profoundly difficult.

I've given up on everything else; as nothing else matters when you're alone all the time. I've got no close family and I have no lover. I have a couple of friends who live across the country.

I have no one to hang out with. I'm *always* lonely.

Try as hard as I might, I still can't make friends. Why do I have to go through this? Why does this have to be such a herculean task? I do the things I love to do, taking improv classes. Meeting interesting people. And for the life of me, I can't figure out what is proper and improper, how to participate, and how to engage. And everyone else does it with such finesse. Growing up with severe hearing loss, along with having a severely neglectful "mother"; I learned no social skills. I can pretend and act as if, but I am still unable to connect with others. And I simply can't make friends, no matter what I do.

At the end of class tonight, found myself twiddling my fingers uncomfortably, wondering what everyone else was talking about and what inspired them to say what they were saying. I have no idea what motivates people to engage with another person, and how they pick a topic to talk about. I really have no fucking clue.

I really have no clue how to engage another human being in any meaningful way. This has always been the sad fact of my life.

All I ever wanted since I was a little child was to know how to make friends. I am cursed.

This is totally retarded. This whole experience has made me feel profoundly stupid and completely inept. At this rate, I will die totally alone. This terrifies me.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#459303 - 01/24/14 02:12 AM Re: I just want to be able to make friends :( [Re: Magellan]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
you might feel cursed, as i often do,
but i do not believe it is actual fact.

i have read many of your posts and you are most definitely not retarded or stupid.

you are very engaging here, in this forum.
is there any way you can apply that out there?

please don't beat yourself up like that.
i realize i do that sometimes too, but it hurts to hear you talk so negative about yourself.
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#459304 - 01/24/14 02:33 AM Re: I just want to be able to make friends :( [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1408
Loc: California
Thanks VV.

I feel defeated when I continue to have these experiences that just demonstrate that I just don't connect with others face to face. I'm great with writing (online), and great with disseminating and thinking. But face to face interaction? BOMB. BOMB BOMB BOMB.

I feel STUPID. I can't connect with others and I'm so envious of just about everyone else on the planet for having the innate ability to do so.

I grew up thinking I was autistic/retarded. Now I know I'm not. But as a sponsor said to my surprise "You might as well have been autistic." And as my therapist said to my surprise "You exhibit qualities of having aspergers syndrome".

Feeling so stunted and lost in social situations makes me feel retarded. And I'm NOT TALKING ABOUT what everyone else goes through. I *literally* am dumb when it comes to how/why/motive to connect.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#459305 - 01/24/14 02:45 AM Re: I just want to be able to make friends :( [Re: Magellan]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
you are a beautiful child of the universe.
the very fact that you exist is proof that you have worth and purpose,
or this infinite vast system would never have taken time from its busy schedule to create you out of its valuable resources.
that is absolute truth that can never be taken from you.
the fact that we can't figure out what our purpose is does not mean we do not have one.

"absence of evidence is not evidence of absence"
- carl sagan.

maybe, like me, ms.org is your social life.
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Victor|Victim

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#459306 - 01/24/14 02:49 AM Re: I just want to be able to make friends :( [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1408
Loc: California
I can't see it that way. My mom deliberately had sex with a developmentally disabled man so she could bear a disabled child. She has a rich aunt. She's also very hard of hearing. I was born with BOTH of their disabilities.

The only reason why I'm here is so that my mom could extract money from that rich aunt under the guise of "Please help me, I have a disabled child". She succeeded. My aunt has been financially supporting her all her life.

That's why I was born. No universal design here. Just the stupid decision of a scared, lost, and manipulative 19 year old girl.


_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#459310 - 01/24/14 03:44 AM Re: I just want to be able to make friends :( [Re: Magellan]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
I honestly believe that the circumstances of my conception have nothing to do with the purpose of my existence.

That gives me great comfort.
I wish I could share that comfort with you.
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#459320 - 01/24/14 10:59 AM Re: I just want to be able to make friends :( [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1408
Loc: California
I wish I could have the same comfort, too. But I can't believe that "everything happens for a reason", either.

Why? Because, babies dying of AIDS in africa. Girls having their genitals mutilated in the Congo. Boys being raped by priests. Comets that impact planets, wiping out all life. These things happen.

If there's some grand designer making things like that happen "for a reason", then that is not a designer that I could ever trust. I can't even wrap my brain around such a concept.

And I'm an intellectually smart boy. But clearly socially retarded.




_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#459322 - 01/24/14 11:32 AM Re: I just want to be able to make friends :( [Re: Magellan]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 769
Loc: michigan
hey Magellan
so many survivors struggle with these feelings and sometimes it is comparing apples to oranges. In my life for instance many people feel like a friend to me, and yet I feel distant from everyone.I don't feel that I have anything to offer really and so I try extra hard but it feels much as you describe. so do I have friends? I have begun to let people in as I am able and it is not easy in fact it is a kind of hell. but it is getting better I think at least I can talk to my fellow survivors. I found a male csa group and that is something I would recommend if you can it is a safe place to start. and has common ground.
good luck to you man
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#459323 - 01/24/14 12:14 PM Re: I just want to be able to make friends :( [Re: Magellan]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2582
Understand your feelings Megellan. I am really struggling to figure this connecting with other people thing out.

I can write well online and discuss online and talk online, but anything else, forget it.

I'm always told that we're "social" creatures, but I struggle to figure that social thing out. Feel so very far and distant.

Trying to express what I'm feeling and experiencing seems to fail completely, as the people I meet just don't get it.

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#459324 - 01/24/14 12:27 PM Re: I just want to be able to make friends :( [Re: Magellan]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
i have had such a passion for music all of my life,
i was forced to deal with other people,
in order to do what i wanted, which was play music.
it gave me something in common with others.

i needed a band, i needed teachers, i needed to jam, i needed an audience, i needed to deal with clubs, managements, agents, advertisers. i needed to deal with sound engineers, graphic artists, producers, record labels.
all of this required dealing with people, as unpleasant as that was.
i was never alone, but i was often lonely.

most of the communication i did was with other musicians,
and most of that communication was not verbal, but musical.

that was the only reason i had contact with people.
so i could be a professional performing and recording artist.
i had no other goal.

the off stage socializing, i left all that to my boozing band mates. i called the "party people" in the band the public relations department. i did all the logistics and heavy lifting. it was worth picking up all their slack and babysitting the drunks and junkies, so that i could avoid the crowd. all i wanted was the stage and the microphone and some faces to get into.

after 35 years of this, i took a break from performance and moved into production.
that "break" felt so good, i am still on it.
the social "scene", including all the thousands of "fans" and "friendlies" and "party people" moved on to the next distraction. i was no longer "happening".
the phone eventually stopped ringing, and i am now completely alone, except for one true friend and partner that started working with me in 1990. we did three albums together, half a dozen cross continent tours, and an unknown number of events in the hundreds. other than talking about the good ol' days, we have practically nothing in common except that we love and trust each other from our years together in the trenches.

once the noise of that 35 year career died down, i realized that i had almost no "true" friends.
i had been surrounded with a cloud of frivolous friendlies.

it was my passion for music that drove my social life.
i have taken that passion and transferred it to my current career as a stage production technician.

to be honest, i have a hard time enjoying the company of most people, and from what feedback i have gathered, the feeling is mutual. i am very demanding, and in professional situations, i am very efficient and intolerant. i can only work with others who share my passion for excellence. this has put me into a very small club. none of these people are my friends.

the point is, my passion for music created a social life for me as imperfect as it was, it was a social life and it included lots of partnerships, friends and intimacies that came and went.

do you have any passions or interests or hobbies that could put you into a "scene" with other people who share those interests?

just an idea.



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