Newest Members
JohnWC, KKumar, J44, Anura, reynel5
12420 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
almostdonew/life (39), barelysurviving (45), bigbob20 (69), billyp (65), Shawv (70), TheTwoOfUs (43)
Who's Online
4 registered (lapchinj, woodenshoes, 2 invisible), 41 Guests and 6 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12420 Members
74 Forums
63779 Topics
445394 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#459286 - 01/23/14 07:16 PM the feel of hands (TRIGGERS)
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3449
Loc: somewhere in Africa
the feel of hands

first it was my mother's hands,
natural and unnoticed,
comforting, soothing,
soon to disappear.

next the step-dad's hands,
dark and large and hard,
determined and methodical,
merciless and ungentle,
forceful and insistent,
strong and inescapable.

poking, prodding, probing,
pulling, pinching, pushing,
pressing, stroking.

a claw-like thumb,
fingers blunt and inflexible,
spade-shaped nails too wide
for the tips,
a vise-like clench.

then smaller hands, boy hands,
like mine - but greedy,
grimy and rough from
playing sports outside.
vying for a touch,
grabbing, squeezing,
teasing.

once - holding Sid's hand in mine,
smaller, warm and dry,
after our "initiation,"
walking together away from the fire,
glad to have someone who understands
without explaining.

and then the stranger's hands -
quick and deft,
smooth, light, and firm,
cool and slick and sly.
sliding, capturing, holding,
manipulating,
urging.

no more hands!
is it any wonder
i wear an invisible sign:
DO NOT TOUCH!

but her hands broke the bars
that held me prisoner,
gentle, undemanding,
unaware of all the other hands
that had touched me before,
erased the stains,
and made me feel
new and right.

i love the feel of her hands.

lee
01-23-14
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#459294 - 01/23/14 09:13 PM Re: the feel of hands (TRIGGERS) [Re: traveler]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 769
Loc: michigan
powerful words man
I understand
so glad you found that good touch
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

Top
#459353 - 01/24/14 11:54 PM Re: the feel of hands (TRIGGERS) [Re: traveler]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 336
Loc: Ohio
Great poem. Thanks for posting.

Top
#459535 - 01/27/14 06:03 PM Re: the feel of hands (TRIGGERS) [Re: traveler]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 263
Loc: Western Europe
Really thinking about taking some body therapy, since i happen to deal with exactly the same..
i am actually terrified when someone touches me.. on a deep and almost unconscious way..

This could be the extra push i need to really try new therapy. Thank you lee!
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

Top
#459555 - 01/27/14 09:24 PM Re: the feel of hands (TRIGGERS) [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3449
Loc: somewhere in Africa
OCN - that might be productive for you.
we took it slowly and gently - under our T's guidance.
it was open-ended with no expectations for a particular outcome or timeframe.
i could give signals to go ahead, slow down or stop at any time when i felt safe or not.
eventually, i was able to give more specific verbal communication about what i liked and did not like.

the poem is a very condensed version - it took time and practice before the happy ending. poetic license for the sake of contrast with the other episodes.

i wish you well,
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#459558 - 01/27/14 10:02 PM Re: the feel of hands (TRIGGERS) [Re: traveler]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 605
Loc: one foot out the door
this is really beautiful.
_________________________
"These days I just try to keep to myself,
well aware I've lost touch with everyone else.
I understand that I'm fading away."

Top
#459637 - 01/28/14 10:02 PM Re: the feel of hands (TRIGGERS) [Re: traveler]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 270
Loc: Germany
wow
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, Publius 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.