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#459180 - 01/22/14 11:45 AM not feeling it
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3377
Loc: somewhere in Africa
there has often been discussion here about anger - most recently Magellan's threads - which I read with utter amazement and puzzlement. and BTW - I admire and applaud the working through and putting away of anger that I see there.

my situation is a bit different. I don't feel any anger. I understand that I deserve to feel anger for what was done to me. I have been told that I "should" feel anger - that it is normal and healthy and right. I have read and heard about all kinds of techniques and processes for releasing anger that is felt - but I don't feel it and can't imagine going through the motions as if I was playing a role when it is just an imitation of the real thing.

the closest I have come is *thinking* I am angry about the effects that the abuse has had on my life - not the actual abuse itself.

and then a few days ago there was an event that triggered something. it wasn't a feeling that I can exactly identify as anger - though it very well should have been. I suspect that anyone else would have been angry. what I experienced was just a momentary shutter that seemed to open and close immediately - almost like a photographic flash. and then I was overwhelmed by an immense sadness. for the next coupe days I wandered around in depression. I wonder now if that is what I have always done - translated anger into sadness/depression. and maybe there is a LOT more there than I ever realized - since I have been depressed for much of my life.

my biggest question is - is it necessary to actually experience and feel the anger - to identify it and express it in the typical ways - in order to get past it? or can I just acknowledge that it is there buried or disguised beneath the surface and move on?

does anyone else see this as a problem? anyone else feel the same way?

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#459186 - 01/22/14 01:02 PM Re: not feeling it [Re: traveler]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Iowa, USA
Lee

I can identify and relate to your thoughts and experiences. I am the same as you - I am not angry at my perps for what they did to me, although I have a right to be angry. I am somewhat angry at what was lost due to the abuse, but don't always hold the right people responsible.

I also direct the anger inward- I somehow asked for it, or deserved it. The biggest obstacle I feel is I traded myself for a show of affection. This message is hard to counter, and it has resulted in depressive episodes.

I realize that we're all different and respond differently, but I'm learning that I'm better off if I admit I'm angry at stuff. It's not a character flaw at all, it's a normal human experience. It's also necessary to address it in some way - it doesn't mean getting angry at someone else. Dealing with anger may be as simple as acknowledging its existence. It may mean going for a walk, writing in a journal, just doing something. Acknowledging the presence of anger is a very necessary aspect to dealing with it and ultimately, giving ourselves more tools to heal ourselves.

I hope there is something useful in my comments. Thanks

Dave

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#459207 - 01/22/14 08:54 PM Re: not feeling it [Re: traveler]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1096
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: traveler

my situation is a bit different. I don't feel any anger. I understand that I deserve to feel anger for what was done to me. I have been told that I "should" feel anger - that it is normal and healthy and right. I have read and heard about all kinds of techniques and processes for releasing anger that is felt - but I don't feel it and can't imagine going through the motions as if I was playing a role when it is just an imitation of the real thing.


Hi Lee. I certainly don't have a definitive answer to your question but I will say that I don't think it is absolutely necessary to feel one way or another in order to heal and move forward. If you don't easily feel anger, I see no reason why you should force it. Perhaps you don't need anger. Perhaps you just aren't wired that way. If feeling, expressing and letting go of anger was an important part of one person's journey, that doesn't mean it has to be a part of yours. From reading your posts and getting to know you over the past year or so, I think it seems to me like you've come a very long way and have achieved a lot in your life without processing any anger. I don't think that has to mean that anger is some kind of missing piece to an unsolved puzzle. It may simply not be a piece you needed to begin with.

As an aside, I'm a guy who spends a lot of time eaten up with anger and it certainly hasn't done me any good. So, if it's not there for you, cool. You may be better off without it. Peace,

Ken

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#459280 - 01/23/14 03:30 PM Re: not feeling it [Re: traveler]
TR101 Offline


Registered: 01/10/14
Posts: 23
I've wondered the same thing. I'm angry at what has happened as a result of the abuse, but not at the perp (my abuser was my brother, I wonder if that's why I'm not angry).
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Ever hate how every single time that you read a post, you read the signature like it's part of that post? Yeah, me too.

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#459285 - 01/23/14 06:53 PM Re: not feeling it [Re: traveler]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 753
Loc: michigan
hey lee
I have a bit of a different take on this thing I guess. Anger has been a constant in my life always once I got old enough I forced it away and that caused very different issues. now it is here and I am learning to deal with it in a better way. I see anger as a kind of right and not necessarily a need. you have every right to be angry at your abuser but that being said the real goal is to get past that anger and then get to healing which is also your right so if you don't struggle with anger I see it as a good thing remembering that if you do get angry that is ok too. Anger is a motivator to help us to move to do those things that would probably be too hard with out that. its only when anger gets out of bounds that it becomes a problem.
just my thoughts
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#459289 - 01/23/14 07:42 PM Re: not feeling it [Re: traveler]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 470
Loc: UK
I think your hunch is likely to be spot on. I don't see how there could not be anger hiding somewhere from reading your posts on your childhood.

For me with very angry and dangerous parents, anger equalled violence, any anger I ever showed as a child would be met with violence so I learned to bury it, I didn't like anger in myself or other people. Of course the anger didn't go away and depression or deadness inside was what I was left with. Depression has been described as anger turned inwards and for me that rings true. My suicidal thinking was murderous rage turned on myself. My default response to anything that makes me angry is to go into negative self talk, sadness or depression.

I did the hitting the cushion thing in therapy, I had to act angry for a bit but eventually I could feel it, at first it felt huge and frightening. It was uncomfortable to learn that I was just as angry as my raging parents, but I learned to handle it in a non abusive way. Instead of telling myself I'm bad or wrong etc I could really feel that what happened was bad and wrong, the; it wasn't my fault felt more real. There is still a family member I have not been able to be angry with as she gave me a sort of love mixed with abuse, so more work to do.

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#459290 - 01/23/14 07:46 PM Re: not feeling it [Re: traveler]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Hi Lee.

I understand the anger thing myself… or lack of anger. I am angry at none of the abusers who had me and I am not even angry at the perpetrator of the ASA. It's seems some of us are hot-wired for anger and some of us aren't. That aside, I know without a doubt that I hold these guys in utter disregard. As in I think of them as I think of the passing fields as I drive into town…. "wonder how long before someone plows you under?"

I also can confidently say that the healing will take place with or without the intense anger. It has for me. You know, even the last episode of threatened violence with the family of origin I didn't become angry. At least not on the surface. And this enabled me to draw the final boundary that said I have had enough…done rationally and with purpose. The anger is not something I carry everyday and that enables me to be a guy of humor.
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For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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