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#458993 - 01/20/14 12:13 PM How to Handle Sexual Fantasies
NotSure Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 34
Sorry

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#458997 - 01/20/14 12:44 PM Re: How to Handle Sexual Fantasies [Re: NotSure]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3085
Loc: O Kanada
any time a third person entered any 2person relationship i was in, the relationship suffered, so i rejected exclusivity.

i have discovered that indulging in fantasies resulted in nothing but physical pleasure.

the emotional/spiritual/medical results were not good.

after a decade of dead end promiscuity and perversion, exploring and experimenting, i became celibate, abstinent, and eventually monogamous and married.

in april is my 23rd anniversary.
my wife and i are still in love.

from my own personal experience, i do not advocate indulging and engaging in sexual fantasies which involve more than two people.
but that is only because i have already indulged and engaged.
i would not know what i know, had i not done what i did.

i did not listen to others who urged restraint.
i learned the hard way.

hope this helps you.
_________________________
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#459093 - 01/21/14 01:13 PM Re: How to Handle Sexual Fantasies [Re: NotSure]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
It seems he is in an identity crisis.

In my single days I dated a woman that proposed a 3 way with another woman joining. No other guys. I have a hard time imagining a straight woman wanting her man doing oral on another man. Maybe I am off base.

At least you two are talking. That is good. I admire your willingness to be accommodating to some adventure. Life is meant to be enjoyed.

Best wishes on getting that one issue sorted.
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#459102 - 01/21/14 02:48 PM Re: How to Handle Sexual Fantasies [Re: NotSure]
NotSure Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 34
Deleted

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#459103 - 01/21/14 02:50 PM Re: How to Handle Sexual Fantasies [Re: NotSure]
NotSure Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 34
Also strangely he had always hoped to meet this mythical bisexual woman who will be OK with it but keeps dating straight women such as myself. In 10 years he hasn't dated one bisexual girl which is even stranger to me, if that he supposedly wants. Plus at the end of the day he fell for me and I'm straight as an arrow.

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#459107 - 01/21/14 04:16 PM Re: How to Handle Sexual Fantasies [Re: NotSure]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
It sounds like he is quite conflicted in having actions match ideas.

But keep in mind that some men become penis fixated after CSA. There are threads on here about it. Some get hyper sexual. Promiscuous for a while. I did that. I thought being loved by women would help me accept and love myself.

It was a strange emptiness. I know I confused some women. I thought I loved them. They did too.

It sounds like you have some decisions to make on what is acceptable for you to live with.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#459130 - 01/21/14 11:42 PM Re: How to Handle Sexual Fantasies [Re: NotSure]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Wow not sure, I read the first line and I'm already going WOW.

Lets start with the fact that your BF is not a well person. He is a survivor of CSA (if he is). He is looking for answers in all the wrong places and he will not find them there.

He is wanting to go down a path that he 'thinks' will make him happy, and I bet that it wont, moreover it will make you absolutely miserable.

Why do you want to do something that you know you wont enjoy, you are not helping him heal or face his past. all that will happen is that you will be really unhappy.

Dont change yourself to make him happy, you will not achieve that.
Stick to your rules and your wants and desires.

Martin Survivor.


Edited by whome (01/21/14 11:43 PM)
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#459141 - 01/22/14 01:54 AM Re: How to Handle Sexual Fantasies [Re: whome]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6816
Loc: USA
Sexual fantasies are something we all have, since we are human beings. Guys who have been sexually abused especially as children will have certain vulnerabilities along these lines.

There are several kinds of sexual fantasies, speaking from the standpoint of where they come from. If it has to do with a real person or object then there will be a trigger, even if it's only very brief, which gets the mind rolling in that direction.

Other triggers might come from porn or reading or dwelling on past memories. When I started remembering sexual abuse I had experienced as a child, I had huge emotions from those experiences. I found it was best not to try to stuff these emotions down or hide them. It's probably a good idea to talk them over with a trusted therapist. They will slowly subside if you do this. If you stuff them down, they will be like a jack-in-the-box which will spring out and surprise you when you're not expecting it.


We need to work at not letting ourselves dwell on porn. Get one of the available programs which will help control this.

As far as reading is concerned, there are certain books and materials which are not healthy for me to look at because of the sexual fantasies they will stimulate.

Sorry if this sounds like a boy scout manual from 1920.

Puffer

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#459153 - 01/22/14 05:34 AM Re: How to Handle Sexual Fantasies [Re: NotSure]
HopeDiesLast Offline


Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 62
Will you start resenting him if you go through with this? If so, what's the point in the first place? Because in essence, he tries to manipulate you into doing something you don't want by telling you he'll leave you if you don't. If you comply with that, it's your choice, but I doubt it's going to make the relationship stronger.

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#459165 - 01/22/14 09:59 AM Re: How to Handle Sexual Fantasies [Re: NotSure]
NotSure Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 34
deleted

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#459170 - 01/22/14 10:49 AM Re: How to Handle Sexual Fantasies [Re: NotSure]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3085
Loc: O Kanada
without willing consent,
that is... if you are coerced, confused, manipulated, dominated, tricked into consenting,
i dare say, you will experience a feeling similar to what we survivors are going through.

without trying to offend anyone here,
doing something sexual that you do not want to do is hardly too much different from sexual abuse... when you think about it.

there were many times i consented to sexual activity i was not "into" for the sake of "quid pro quo"
(that is... if you do______ then i'll do_______)

as i stated earlier, the end results were ALWAYS negative,
regardless of the pleasure experienced.
sugar tastes great, but it rots the teeth and wrecks your health if not properly consumed.

you would not be doing yourself, or your partner, any favours by submitting to pressure in this situation.
there is also the dynamic of the soul and personality of the 3rd person. this is human being, not a fantasy, so they will have their own perspective on this experience, should it occur.
have you considered what introducing that mystery into your relationship might do?

my short answer is... don't do it.

but i have very little information to go on,
and i am not you in your situation.

i wish i could tell you more.

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Victor|Victim

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Love
Poetry

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#459246 - 01/23/14 09:36 AM Re: How to Handle Sexual Fantasies [Re: NotSure]
NotSure Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 34
Also I should say I only wanted to do it because I thought it would wake him up and make him realize that a) its not a turn on w/ me and b) he has to deal with his CSA/SSA issues. But it sounds like from the responses here not so much.

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#459613 - 01/28/14 04:05 PM Re: How to Handle Sexual Fantasies [Re: NotSure]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi NotSure

Sorry but I don't like to justify bad behavior, especially when it affects others.
Being a survivor is tough but that does not mean that we can go around hurting others.
Always take care of you first, you are the most important person here.

Martin
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#459624 - 01/28/14 08:11 PM Re: How to Handle Sexual Fantasies [Re: NotSure]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
NotSure - I am way late on this but I let my husband make some whacky decisions for me during our crazy period - before I came to MS and learned all I have learned from these men and their supporters. It is not good. It's just letting a blind man drive.

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#459626 - 01/28/14 08:19 PM Re: How to Handle Sexual Fantasies [Re: Esposa]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3085
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: Esposa
It's just letting a blind man drive.


excellent explanation, Esposa.
exactly the perfect metaphor!

SAFETY FIRST!

letting a blind man drive is not good for anyone,
including the blind man!
_________________________
Victor|Victim

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#459715 - 01/29/14 05:00 PM Re: How to Handle Sexual Fantasies [Re: NotSure]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 76
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
Dear NotSure:

I've found that CSA really screws you up!. Many of my impulses, which I am convinced come from my CSA experiences, are radically different from my mature, adult self, or from whatever really gives me happiness and satisfaction in life.

Your boyfriend may be curious to experiment with other men, but may not want to accept the idea that he may want to do sexual acts with men, lest that defines him as "gay". Maybe that is why he wants you involved, and doesn't do it one on one with another man.




_________________________
Jay

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#460505 - 02/11/14 05:18 PM Re: How to Handle Sexual Fantasies [Re: NotSure]
NotSure Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 34
He actually wanted me involved b/c he said he needed to fulfill his desires and that he would end up cheating on me unless I wanted to participate.

I guess A+ for honesty, but F for not understanding this stems from an unhealthy place. He even said kissing guys is gross and said it was gay. And when I asked if he'd ever date a guy he was repulsed. So what kind of bisexual is that?! I just can't believe he doesn't see how crazy all of that sounds to me.

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#460513 - 02/11/14 07:36 PM Re: How to Handle Sexual Fantasies [Re: NotSure]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
A+ for honesty?

I am sorry but there is nothing honest or loving in that statement. That sounds like taking someone hostage - if you don't do A, I will punish you by doing B. Sounds like aggression, nothing loving or honest.

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