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#459170 - 01/22/14 10:49 AM Re: How to Handle Sexual Fantasies [Re: NotSure]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3077
Loc: O Kanada
without willing consent,
that is... if you are coerced, confused, manipulated, dominated, tricked into consenting,
i dare say, you will experience a feeling similar to what we survivors are going through.

without trying to offend anyone here,
doing something sexual that you do not want to do is hardly too much different from sexual abuse... when you think about it.

there were many times i consented to sexual activity i was not "into" for the sake of "quid pro quo"
(that is... if you do______ then i'll do_______)

as i stated earlier, the end results were ALWAYS negative,
regardless of the pleasure experienced.
sugar tastes great, but it rots the teeth and wrecks your health if not properly consumed.

you would not be doing yourself, or your partner, any favours by submitting to pressure in this situation.
there is also the dynamic of the soul and personality of the 3rd person. this is human being, not a fantasy, so they will have their own perspective on this experience, should it occur.
have you considered what introducing that mystery into your relationship might do?

my short answer is... don't do it.

but i have very little information to go on,
and i am not you in your situation.

i wish i could tell you more.

_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#459246 - 01/23/14 09:36 AM Re: How to Handle Sexual Fantasies [Re: NotSure]
NotSure Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 34
Also I should say I only wanted to do it because I thought it would wake him up and make him realize that a) its not a turn on w/ me and b) he has to deal with his CSA/SSA issues. But it sounds like from the responses here not so much.

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#459613 - 01/28/14 04:05 PM Re: How to Handle Sexual Fantasies [Re: NotSure]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi NotSure

Sorry but I don't like to justify bad behavior, especially when it affects others.
Being a survivor is tough but that does not mean that we can go around hurting others.
Always take care of you first, you are the most important person here.

Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#459624 - 01/28/14 08:11 PM Re: How to Handle Sexual Fantasies [Re: NotSure]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
NotSure - I am way late on this but I let my husband make some whacky decisions for me during our crazy period - before I came to MS and learned all I have learned from these men and their supporters. It is not good. It's just letting a blind man drive.

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#459626 - 01/28/14 08:19 PM Re: How to Handle Sexual Fantasies [Re: Esposa]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3077
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: Esposa
It's just letting a blind man drive.


excellent explanation, Esposa.
exactly the perfect metaphor!

SAFETY FIRST!

letting a blind man drive is not good for anyone,
including the blind man!
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#459715 - 01/29/14 05:00 PM Re: How to Handle Sexual Fantasies [Re: NotSure]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 76
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
Dear NotSure:

I've found that CSA really screws you up!. Many of my impulses, which I am convinced come from my CSA experiences, are radically different from my mature, adult self, or from whatever really gives me happiness and satisfaction in life.

Your boyfriend may be curious to experiment with other men, but may not want to accept the idea that he may want to do sexual acts with men, lest that defines him as "gay". Maybe that is why he wants you involved, and doesn't do it one on one with another man.




_________________________
Jay

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#460505 - 02/11/14 05:18 PM Re: How to Handle Sexual Fantasies [Re: NotSure]
NotSure Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 34
He actually wanted me involved b/c he said he needed to fulfill his desires and that he would end up cheating on me unless I wanted to participate.

I guess A+ for honesty, but F for not understanding this stems from an unhealthy place. He even said kissing guys is gross and said it was gay. And when I asked if he'd ever date a guy he was repulsed. So what kind of bisexual is that?! I just can't believe he doesn't see how crazy all of that sounds to me.

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#460513 - 02/11/14 07:36 PM Re: How to Handle Sexual Fantasies [Re: NotSure]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
A+ for honesty?

I am sorry but there is nothing honest or loving in that statement. That sounds like taking someone hostage - if you don't do A, I will punish you by doing B. Sounds like aggression, nothing loving or honest.

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