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#458675 - 01/15/14 06:34 PM Why Does He Lie?
NotSure Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 34
Hi Everyone

I have come to understand quite a bit about sexual abuse since visiting this forum but there is one thing I don't quite get; lying.

Can anyone explain why some survivors lie? And why are apologies so difficult?



Some background:

I found out 2 weeks after my BF told me he loved me that he was still had his online profile up(we met online). I was furious and hurt as it said he was still active. I set up a fake profile and sent an email to see if he would take the bait. He responded saying that he was "kinda seeing someone, but if it didn't work out he would love to meet up."

I was beyond upset and confronted him about being online and he just said he forgot to take it down and took it down. I cooled down and I didn't go further and ask him why he emailed the girl as he just told me about his CSA and was afraid I would leave him. I assumed this is why he emailed "her".

Several months later we took a short break. I felt kind of funny about it so I asked him if he had hooked up with anyone and he admitted to hooking up with his neighbor. I still felt weird so I snooped (I know bad and not something I would normally ever do) and I saw that he emailed an ex on Facebook and asked her to get drinks while we were apart. I was livid that he didn't come clean about that. I also couldn't believe he was going out of his way to hook up while I was focused on fixing our relationship. And of course I wondered if he had planned on cheating had she actually responded.

I confronted him and we got into a huge blowout fight with him blaming me for snooping instead of apologizing. I then brought up his online profile and asked him if he had ever emailed anyone after we were together. He said no.

I was so upset I couldn't see straight and told him to get out of my apartment.

It's strange because he's SOOOO loving on one hand and then he does stuff like this.

I just don't get it. The lie hurts more than the original action and I don't understand why he can't see that or doesn't see how damaging it is.

Help!

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#458679 - 01/15/14 08:20 PM Re: Why Does He Lie? [Re: NotSure]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 753
Loc: michigan
hi not sure
i cant really speak for every survivor but for me lying is a protection mechanism. Part of getting by is learning what to expect and anticipate where the pain is going to come from. and in doing that I tend to hedge my bets give partial truths or withhold information. I am speaking as one who is trying to understand these things and get past them. it is possible that your boyfriend is doing something similar. they say old habits die hard and I think that is especially true in this. I think that it is great that he disclosed to you early in your relationship and I am really sorry you have been hurt. it seems that csa is the pain that keeps on giving. I think that from here the only thing you can do is to tell him your feelings,talk to him and also establish your boundaries. much of the struggle is in learning to communicate and build trust. it is a life long process it seems i wish you the very best.
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#458686 - 01/15/14 09:50 PM Re: Why Does He Lie? [Re: NotSure]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
When you suppress and conceal things for decades, for your entire adult life, it becomes second nature. Lying makes life endurable and allows you to pass for normal. Cover yourself with lies and no one will find you. It can reach the point where NOT LYING feels unnatural, vulnerable, and requires great active effort. Survivors start with a "Never tell," evolve into "Nothing happened," and approximate the normal lives they crave so deeply and were cheated. Any difficult or awkward situation can pose a threat to the facade of a life, so, double up on the lies to get things back to fake-normal.

This is not a justification, not an "it's okay." You asked "why?" and this, I believe, is why.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#458692 - 01/15/14 11:23 PM Re: Why Does He Lie? [Re: NotSure]
NotSure Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 34
I think I kind of get it. So telling the truth means being exposed to pain? And that telling me the truth would break down this relationship he created with me? It sounds like maybe its embarrassing that he has these weaknesses or insecurities because he knows its messed up?

BTW SoccerStar, thanks for sharing your story. It was painful to read but quite insightful. I'm still grasping the whole bisexual thing among CSA survivors.

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#458716 - 01/16/14 08:28 AM Re: Why Does He Lie? [Re: NotSure]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: NotSure
So telling the truth means being exposed to pain? And that telling me the truth would break down this relationship he created with me? It sounds like maybe its embarrassing that he has these weaknesses or insecurities because he knows its messed up?


Quite astute, yes. He had no control over his real life, so lying makes a life that he controls, where he is safe. Anything that breaks through that shell will be extremely alarming and strongly resisted; once the pain starts, who knows where it will stop.

And absolutely, his relationship with you is something he lied his way into, lies to sustain, and in his mind depends on lies to work, because he perceives the truth as something that makes him abnormal and would deny him a normal relationship; the truth is so vile, people would flee vomiting.

(Note: it is not normal for him to attempt to cheat behind your back and lie to your face when caught. I am merely using what I strongly suspect his definitions to be, but you are an equal partner in the relationship and deserve to be respected and empowered.)


Quote:
I'm still grasping the whole bisexual thing among CSA survivors.


Good luck.... that's one of the more confusing issues to survivors. I don't even really have an answer for myself.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#458802 - 01/17/14 09:59 AM Re: Why Does He Lie? [Re: NotSure]
NotSure Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 34
Interesting. Yes he is very afraid of the truth and has alluded many times that I wouldn't or don't love the real him.

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#458849 - 01/17/14 10:24 PM Re: Why Does He Lie? [Re: NotSure]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 682
Loc: NJ
Hi Notsure - we struggle a lot over here with lying. Lying about little things, lying about huge things. The fact of the matter is that lying doesn't work in any relationship so I agree with the establishment of boundaries. With trust, there is no trust. Without trust, there is no intimacy. Without trust and intimacy, love dies a slow and painful death.

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#458885 - 01/18/14 12:17 PM Re: Why Does He Lie? [Re: NotSure]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 753
Loc: michigan
Interesting. Yes he is very afraid of the truth and has alluded many times that I wouldn't or don't love the real him.
hey not sure
I have to say I have been married for 27 years and I still feel that, and not just with her
This is something that forms so early in the process. something like this. These are not normal things and yet they happen (I am not normal)pretend it doesn't or didn't happen.
People like this feeling,I do not like this feeling( I am not normal)lie to fit in. or
kids don't do this, I did this ( i am not normal) tell yourself it never happened.
this is just a few of the lies we grow up telling ourselves and others. there are hundreds more I'm sure. these are our only shield from the pain of reality. it is very hard to give them up.
again I think your best response is to lay out your boundaries. the fact that he told you of the abuse means he trust you more than most and cares a lot for you. that is a start but he will need help to learn new ways to cope and some limits from you may help him go in that direction.
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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