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#458806 - 01/17/14 11:12 AM Pushes me away?
NotSure Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 34
OK this is the last post in my series of postings lately! After this I think I'm going to an ashram to clear my head!

Anyway someone else touched upon this but I was wondering if any other ppl could elaborate. The BF will shower me with love (cuddles, sticky notes, texts, balloons, etc) and I'll think I'm the luckiest girl ever.

Then he'll do something like bail on picking me from the airport (after we haven't seen each other in 4 days) or bail on a trip we had planned. Another time he went on a weeklong boys/hunting trip with his dad and brothers and the first thing on his mind after coming back was golfing with his friends! Making a plan with me didn't even cross his mind. Another time I asked if he wanted to get lunch with my friends and I and he said he was tired and would stay in. Then I saw later on Facebook he went to the beach with his friends. It was even more annoying, knowing that I had been wanting to go to the beach.

When I confront him about this, he gets defensive and acts like it's my fault! Then we end up arguing and I end up confused like how am I to blame when I'm the one with hurt feelings?

Sometimes when he says "I love you", I find myself responding with "you do"? Which he finds inexplicable.

He used to go through women like water and hasn't been in love since high school. He told his friends he wanted to marry me after our first date. And he made a big deal about wanting to change our FB relationship status though I could have cared less.

Trying to reconcile the two sides of him is confusing to say the least.

So has anyone else experienced this? Fear of intimacy? Scared I will hurt him? Afraid to be vulnerable? Fear of loss of control?

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#458811 - 01/17/14 11:40 AM Re: Pushes me away? [Re: NotSure]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3513
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: NotSure
So has anyone else experienced this? Fear of intimacy? Scared I will hurt him? Afraid to be vulnerable? Fear of loss of control?


all of the above. male survivor here.

you nailed it - and it takes time and work and communication and probly therapy to overcome all of that. there are tremendous trust issues involved. if he feels owned or controlled or manipulated - whether any of that is really going on or not - it is a trigger - and the usual reaction is fight or flight. it is not a rational thing - it is emotional - and he most likely doesn't even realize what is happening. that doesn't excuse it - but it may explain it.

best of luck,
lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#458817 - 01/17/14 01:25 PM Re: Pushes me away? [Re: NotSure]
NotSure Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 34
Thanks for the feedback. I wish I had known this as it was happening! Sometimes I feel like in order to make this work I have to be a therapist.

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#458824 - 01/17/14 04:14 PM Re: Pushes me away? [Re: NotSure]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3513
Loc: somewhere in Africa
I should have also said that your description - "Fear of intimacy? Scared I will hurt him? Afraid to be vulnerable? Fear of loss of control?" - fit me precisely. I got past it with the help of my therapist and MS buddies and my wife. it took about 2 years. but like the old joke - "how many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? just one - but the light bulb really has to want to change." it will never happen unless he puts his all into it. recovery was pretty much my all-consuming full-time focus for that 2 years. so there is hope - if he commits to it. if not - don't expect anything to be any different no matter how much time goes by or what you do.

just the way I see it.
lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#458966 - 01/20/14 12:05 AM Re: Pushes me away? [Re: NotSure]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 263
Loc: us
Hot and cold. Yup that's my H. Slowly over the years the cold is less frequent. But it still happens. And usually when I least expect it. However I have noticed a pattern where he will push away after we connect. Say we have a fun weekend together or a good talk etc. He will then do something that is cold and insensitive. Its like a siren is going off in his head saying "too close too close. Abandon ship!" It has gotten better over time but there has been a lot of yelling and crying on my part. And it has taken 6 years to get to somewhat stable territory. Its a bumpy ride and I don't know if its worth it. My feelings change depending on the day and how long its been since he has pulled the rug out from under me.
If you are going to stay then you have to invest a lot of effort into yourself and not getting pulled down into his crap. I've had to give a lot of tough love and and learn how to let things roll off. It can be really lonely at times.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#458992 - 01/20/14 12:02 PM Re: Pushes me away? [Re: NotSure]
NotSure Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 34
Yes!! That is exactly what the BF does. I thought I was going nuts b/c it never anything huge just little things. And then he gets upset because he thinks I'm accusing him of being a bad boyfriend (which he's heard before). If I point this out to him, I wonder if he'll recognize it. When I get all "therapist" he seems to have these lightbulb moments, but it's exhausting to constantly play the therapist.

I'm wondering after reading all these posts, is it possible to ever have a happy fulfilling relationship with a CSA survivor? I had a female CSA friend and she's doing great and happily married, (she's been through years of therapy). I wonder if it's harder for men?

I feel torn my love for him and my own need to be with someone more stable. Sometimes I want to jump ship, but then when I think of the other guys I've dated, they just pale in comparison.

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#459109 - 01/21/14 04:39 PM Re: Pushes me away? [Re: NotSure]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
It sounds like simple lying as well. Not just fear of intimacy...

Lying and then sneaking off to the beach with friends, knowing you wanted to go.

Almost sounds like a double life.

Tread with caution.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#459129 - 01/21/14 11:35 PM Re: Pushes me away? [Re: NotSure]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
I was like that with my X wife. I did not want to be with her,I think I loved her, but remember that love for me was different, Love always came with conditions and control.
I did not want to be with her intimately, because I did not know how to feel. I would get into bed and tell her that I wanted to make love with her. but then would start an argument so that I could go and watch porn and be with the images in my head instead. You see the images in my head (fantasies) would not hurt me or lie to me.
We try to be "Normal" but truth is that we dont know what normal is. We dont know what a normal relationship is, we have never had one.

What nobody is saying here, and needs to be said that you cannot change him at all, you cannot make him want you or need you. Only he can do that and he needs to be the one on this forum.
Having a relationship with a survivor means that you are being manipulated and mentally and emotionally abused, it is a sad fact and reality.

I hope that your boyfriend is in therapy for his CSA, and that you are also in a group such as CODA, but remember that he must want to heal.

These are harsh words I know, and I'm sorry, if they hurt

Martin
Survivor/Thriver
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#459166 - 01/22/14 10:06 AM Re: Pushes me away? [Re: NotSure]
NotSure Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 34
Ah! I see some of the connection to porn now. Yeah its dawning on me that this is a sinking ship. I wish I could just turn my feelings for him off. I do believe he truly he loves me. He tells me 5x a day and I can see it in his eyes. He even teared up after a big argument telling me I was the most precious thing in his life. And everyone who sees us together is like that guy is head over heels for you.

Which makes it that much harder! Now I understand why June Carter wrote "Ring of Fire".

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#459177 - 01/22/14 11:35 AM Re: Pushes me away? [Re: whome]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3546
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: whome
I would get into bed and tell her that I wanted to make love with her. but then would start an argument so that I could go and watch porn and be with the images in my head instead. You see the images in my head (fantasies) would not hurt me or lie to me.
We try to be "Normal" but truth is that we dont know what normal is. We dont know what a normal relationship is, we have never had one.

What nobody is saying here, and needs to be said that you cannot change him at all, you cannot make him want you or need you. Only he can do that and he needs to be the one on this forum.
Having a relationship with a survivor means that you are being manipulated and mentally and emotionally abused, it is a sad fact and reality.


i might as well have wrote this.
this is exactly who i was until i voluntarily and willfully changed it. EFFORT!
this is exactly who i am unless i voluntarily and willfully change it. FOCUS!
this is exactly who i would be, if i don't voluntarily and willfully change. COMMITMENT!

it never ends and likely never will. COURAGE!

whome... you have a way of cutting through the fog!
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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