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#458778 - 01/17/14 01:14 AM Introducing myself
TR101 Offline


Registered: 01/10/14
Posts: 23
Hello everyone. Since I've spent a little while wandering around the site asking questions and reading every post that I can with practically every free minute I've had, I figured I should get on with introducing myself. I'm a young man, still maturing in some ways, but plenty mature in others. I'm young and inexperienced enough that I struggle with feeling worthy sometimes, and my past doesn't help with that.

While quite young, I was abused by brother; who is eight years older than me. The abuse lasted for a few months (as well as I can put the pieces back together), but stopped when he moved out/ran away, an act of rebellion against our parents.

I can remember times when my emotions bubbled over occasionally, But I never really understood why until I was old enough. I remember the time I broke down in my third grade classroom, but when I was sent to the school counselor's office, all I mentioned was the latest insignificant thing that irritated me about my home life (an argument about taking out the trash, as I recall). For years I didn't understand what it was that he did to me. It must have been a slow realization; I don't remember when I realized that it was more than just some pleasurable game.

I told my closet friend, in whom I confide everything, about a year and a half ago. I can't put my finger on why it was that I told her. It was on my mind, so I just up and told her. It was nice to talk to someone about it; she has been endlessly supportive, and talking with her is very comforting. But I realized before long that there was a limit to what I could talk to her about, and a limit to how much she could do to help me.

Coming up in a few weeks is the one year anniversary of when I (at a church camp) told my youth pastor about the abuse. I forget why it got on my mind, six months after telling that friend, but it was. I simply desired healing, and expected that it would stay between him and I. I didn't realize that he would be legally required to alert my parents (I was a minor at the time). I was petrified at the thought of having my parents know. Besides feeling ashamed, I was afraid that, with their relationship with my brother being seriously strained already, straining things any further would ruin any chance of reconciliation; something I desired greatly. When my parents were told of the abuse only a few days after the camp, they reacted -to my relief- with previously unseen compassion towards my brother.

Shortly after telling the youth pastor, there was an explosion of people who suddenly knew of my once dark secretive past, some of them whom I told, and some of them that other people told with my approval, but almost all of them not very helpful.
At the time I was quite.... numb. I didn't realize how many people were being told.... most of them only to not do anything to help me. Now I wish I could take it back; and be much more self reliant (not completely, but with a handful of close friends knowing, instead of probably 30 people, most of which I hardly know on a deep level)

Like I said, I just wanted healing. I did not want to confront my brother, but it was deemed necessary, so my parents and a trusted mentor confronted him on my behalf. After their first meeting with him, I was told that he was ashamed and apologetic. He explained that "sexual curiosity" was his motive. From then on, the mentor acted as a mediator between my parents and my brother, who met a few more times after that. But it seemed that family reconciliation was doomed from the start, as they have seemed unable to get past their relatively insignificant conflicts (for example, a huge grudge match over a small amount of money owed for a car), and the meetings stopped. Eventually, over time, they worked out some of the smaller issues, and like some sort of uncomfortable truce, they seem to be able to interact without friction on the surface level. But since the first few conversations, no one has interacted significantly with my brother specifically about the abuse.

While there are times I'm immensely angry because of what's been taken from me, I want to clarify that I do not desire legal retribution or serious punishment for my brother. I don't know why I feel this way, or if I "should", but I do

I was put into counselling quickly, but it did not go well for me; being a minor at the time, the counselor's first action (as he was required to) was to report the abuse to the county, leading to prosecution of my brother, the thing I wanted even less than my parents finding out. Even though he was only doing his job, having your counselor do that to you right off of the bat doesn't work wonders for building trust, and because of that, and a myriad of other things I couldn't stand about him, I stopped seeing him after only a handful of visits.

As I said, my brother is undergoing prosecution (if that's the right term, I'm not fluent in legalese). He is in the pretrial system, being treated as a juvenile, (which I'm told is a blessing, because it means there are possibilities with little punishment) and that process is still being drug out to this day. He was obligated to register as an offender, so he preemptively quit his job (working "in a position of trust" with mentally disabled is a no-no, I guess), in the hopes that his record would be expunged and he could return to the job later. the whole process seems as though it's been winding down for several months, but really no tangible progress has been made. At this point, it seems like it will be a favorable outcome; a deferred judgement or some such.

Like I said, it's been nearly a year since I let the cat out of the bag, and It's been a tough year for me. I don't know what it is about humans and anniversaries, but this one coming me up is making me think a lot. (it's actually why i'm getting involved on this site now) It's been a tough year with lots of discomfort and disappointment, and to add to that, there's been no abundance of significant healing or positive, tangible change. There has been some improvement, but it's always easier to not see it; easier to resort to pessimism then remain ever-optimistic. In the say way, though not always, I've been overcome with feelings of despair, depression, guilt, anger and regret far more often than not.

So that's my background story. Of course i have questions and concerns about continuing to heal, but i'll save those for another time.

Thank you all in advance for welcoming me here.

Ted
_________________________
Ever hate how every single time that you read a post, you read the signature like it's part of that post? Yeah, me too.

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#458782 - 01/17/14 02:28 AM Re: Introducing myself [Re: TR101]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Dear Ted,

I am so sorry for what you've been through. To be sexually abused is bad enough. To then be caught up in a series of unwanted disclosures to friends, family, and police, is just that much more traumatizing.

You have all our support here, and it might be wise to consider re-engaging with a therapist. There are some good ones and you deserve professional help in the healing you seek.

Just a few other notes:
First, your youth pastor wasn't legally obligated to report your abuse to your parents. He was legally obligated to report it to the police or child protective services in your state, just as your therapist was. Granted your parents would have found out as a result of that reporting, but the pastor was out of compliance with the law.
Second, consider that having your brother prosecuted may not be such a bad thing. True pedophiles often do not stop with just one victim, and some other boys may have been saved from being abused by him as a result of his being confronted and prosecuted. You bear NO guilt over what he's going through now.

You sound like you are young, perhaps still in High School. There are men on MS of all ages, backrounds, religious traditions, orientations, and nationalities. You will be able to relate to someone here. Don't make yourself go through all this alone. You deserve support. You will have it here.

Jude
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#458793 - 01/17/14 07:08 AM Re: Introducing myself [Re: TR101]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1790
Ted

I hope you are taking care of yourself. Sharing your past and hurts helps you to heal. I am sorry your youth pastor did not respect your privacy. For me it is so important that you can trust those you confide in. I am glad you are receiving counsel to help you through the entire process.

Keep well stay strong and lean on those that you trust and are there for you when you are in need of help.

Kevin

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#458819 - 01/17/14 02:54 PM Re: Introducing myself [Re: TR101]
Greg56 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/14
Posts: 38
Loc: Upstate NY
*.


Edited by Greg56 (01/18/14 01:50 PM)

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#458820 - 01/17/14 02:58 PM Re: Introducing myself [Re: TR101]
Greg56 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/14
Posts: 38
Loc: Upstate NY
*


Edited by Greg56 (01/18/14 01:49 PM)

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#458879 - 01/18/14 11:06 AM Re: Introducing myself [Re: TR101]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3601
Loc: O Kanada
a sincere welcome to male survivor on=line community.

may you find comfort and insight on these pages.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#458889 - 01/18/14 01:49 PM Re: Introducing myself [Re: TR101]
TR101 Offline


Registered: 01/10/14
Posts: 23
Hey Jude, (I only barely resisted prefacing that with "na-na-na..." do you get that a lot?)
Thanks for responding. And thanks for responding thoughtfully, when you could have only expressed sympathy (no offense to those that did)
Though, by doing that, you, in a way, are making me have to process a response, deeper than just gratitude for the sympathy, which, while slightly frustrating, is probably a good thing.

About finding another therapist, well, I don't know why I haven't. a bunch of little reasons, but none of them are really good rationalizations. But I have been talking semi-frequently about it with that mentor who I mentioned, which helps, and I am getting involved on this site. Still, i'll consider the possibility of finding another therapist.

Thank you for pointing that out about the pastor, but I have realized that before. I think he was concerned about moral requirements from the church more then legal ones. In fact, he involved another member of the church staff in talking to me about it in later conversations, and when talking to my parents. the other staff member did not report the matter either. however they did firmly ensure that I got involved in counselling, perhaps knowing that it would be indirectly reported felt good enough for them. I don't pretend to understand. And frankly I don't care. He obligated me into a very uncomfortable situation either way, and whether it was to the letter of the law or not, I don't care.

About my brother being prosecuted and the potential of him committing other abuse; We have no idea that anyone else was involved at any level. Of course it's a possibility, but it's unlikely in my mind. With my current understanding, I don't feel like prosecution is the right thing to do over what happened between him and me. But what may have happened between him and anyone else, well, that's between him and that person.

And yep, you pegged me right, I'm finishing my last semester of high school. I do hope that I will find support here. Thanks again for replying.
_________________________
Ever hate how every single time that you read a post, you read the signature like it's part of that post? Yeah, me too.

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#459142 - 01/22/14 01:56 AM Re: Introducing myself [Re: TR101]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3601
Loc: O Kanada
your story breaks my heart.
i pray for you and your family.

i will ask that you find love, unity, forgiveness, and reconciliation.


re: secrecy, privacy, disclosure, and betrayal of confidence.
in the mid 1980's, when i first disclosed to medical professionals during a particularly stressful session of self abuse, that "confidential" information leaked from my company medical records to my supervisors and rumoured down to my colleagues and friends. i was shunned and stigmatized like a leper. for nine years, i was a train order operator, yardmaster, telegrapher, crew and train dispatcher in the operations department, and my career was over. for that and many other valid reasons, i resigned from the corporate world of railroading.

fast forward... late 1990's... new career in the entertainment industry.
i remember disclosing to a "close friend" at work,
and before the end of that day,
the entire industry knew about my rape.
the results were not good.
i was embarrassed and ashamed for about a week, then i just said F___'EM ALL! and made new friends and kept working.
to this day, my career is alive and well and better than ever.
now i don't care who knows.
it always, eventually, comes up in conversation,
and i HATE secrecy!
secrecy was a slow poison that almost killed me.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#459263 - 01/23/14 11:27 AM Re: Introducing myself [Re: TR101]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 291
Loc: Western Europe
He Ted

Pff.. what a situation. I think its good when action is taken when dealing with childhood abuse, but incest gets so much closer. I was abused once by my 3 year older brother. The idea of having to give him in.. pff.. In your case it wasn't one isolated event, but still it is your own brother. I imagine it must be a major pressure point in your life.

However, Jude makes a valid point. You don't know why your brother abused you. He might have made other victims, though i hope that he didnt. I hope that he will turn out allright, but its a tough label to carry (abuser). Just as being a victim aint easy either..

Quote:
Like I said, it's been nearly a year since I let the cat out of the bag, and It's been a tough year for me. I don't know what it is about humans and anniversaries, but this one coming me up is making me think a lot. (it's actually why i'm getting involved on this site now) It's been a tough year with lots of discomfort and disappointment, and to add to that, there's been no abundance of significant healing or positive, tangible change. There has been some improvement, but it's always easier to not see it; easier to resort to pessimism then remain ever-optimistic. In the say way, though not always, I've been overcome with feelings of despair, depression, guilt, anger and regret far more often than not.

I can't say that there is no improvement here, but i do understand what you're saying. My initial idea of healing was quite the same as my idea of spiritual liberation: instant and no side effects

it turns out life works a little bit different.. who wouldve guessed? lol
So yea.. regret, despair, wondering whether i'm still in depression or not.. all here.
But the new thing here is that there sometimes seems to be a space between life and my problems. It's not as rigid as it seems. But since SA damages our sense of self, we have to deal with self-rejection on a deeper level than most. At least thats my guess.

To me the hardest thing is not to turn the whole thing into victimhood. Cause i want to be understood for who i am. But for that to happen, people must be willing to take the SA in account too. It's easy for people to stop at the victim-phase and say: "oh well, it happened to you, poor guy.. but now just move on!"

But as we all know, things are never that easy. Seemingly minor details can strike with full force on an idle tuesday afternoon destroying our percieved happiness/basis/etc.

What i can tell from my perspective, is that i'm gaining more and more insight into who i really am. And that is confusing, confronting, challenging but also rewarding.

Just have to deal with the barrier called "i'm not good enough".. and a bunch of other things

But well.. i just want to say i feel bad for you that your brother is being prosecuted. I guess thats still one of my main fears. I'd love to talk in public about this, but ruining his carreer and life is not part of the plan. So i have to be vigilant. Not to protect him (even though its a clear sign i do - which is one thing i'm working on atm) per sť, but to help myself on the healing path.

All the best Ted! Thank you for your expansive post. I can't say i'm happy meeting someone who has suffered from incest too, but there is always the promise of getting to know myself better by getting to know others. Perhaps we'll meet again.

Untill then, take care Ted! May you be safe and may your brother be dealt with in a fair and constructive way. Have a safe healing journey!

All the best!
Pieter


Edited by OCN (01/23/14 11:33 AM)
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