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#458698 - 01/15/14 11:59 PM Telling his family?
NotSure Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 34
My boyfriend was abused by an older brother's friend. So he was 9 and the guy was 15. He's never told anyone. In fact he's only told 4 people, me being one of them.

Between the lies, the trust issues, the intimacy issues, and the porn addiction, I'm coming to my wits end. I love him to pieces (and vice versa) but his CSA is like a ghost that just hovers. And I can't figure out how to get through to him that its the CSA that's a problem or get him to deal with or go to therapy.

I was tempted to email his mom like an intervention, but obviously he will be furious at me for betraying him. But I was thinking in the long run, would it help? I'm just so frustrated because I want him to get better so we can be happy together and I feel like I'm drowning.

Any thoughts? Is this the worst thing I could do? Or would it be helpful to have his family rally by him?

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#458708 - 01/16/14 04:28 AM Re: Telling his family? [Re: NotSure]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 758
Loc: michigan
Hi not sure
again i can only offer my experience but I can say that would NOT have worked for me. I think that we can set up in our minds a senario by which we put it all out on the table and then there are hugs and tears all around and suddenly everything is better somehow. THAT is not a likely scenario. remember he knew and has known his family all his life and yet he CHOSE not to disclose. there is a reason for that. it may not be a good or logical reason but it is his reason. I think that all you can really do is deliver him information even from this site,talk to him about why he never told as you are able and try to help him make sense of it. for you to betray his trust would only prove what a survivor tends to believe... people cannot be trusted.
just my thoughts
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#458714 - 01/16/14 06:31 AM Re: Telling his family? [Re: NotSure]
HopeDiesLast Offline


Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 62
I second Jeff on absolutely everything he wrote.

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#458724 - 01/16/14 10:47 AM Re: Telling his family? [Re: NotSure]
NotSure Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 34
Thanks. I figured that would be the case. Perhaps I've watched too many reality shows on interventions.

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#458759 - 01/16/14 07:49 PM Re: Telling his family? [Re: NotSure]
TR101 Offline


Registered: 01/10/14
Posts: 23
From my personal experience which seems fairly in tune with his and yours, I would have to third Jeff's statement.
I'm sure that telling his family is dreadful in his eyes; I told my girlfriend long before I told my family, and I only told them because I was essentially forced to, (it was a "either you can tell them or I'll tell them" situation). Being forced into telling them was about the least comfortable thing I've ever had to do, and I still harbor plenty of resentment against the person who made me do it.
also, like Jeff said, an intervention probably won't magically zap his problems away. I told my family a year ago, and in terms of tangible healing, not a ton has happened since then.
I would say that if you want to be respectful of him, and yet gently proactive; you should support him, stand by him, accept that it will probably be a long process, and that he may well lie to you in the future, but lovingly nudge him towards anything that you think might help
_________________________
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