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#45866 - 08/10/02 03:24 PM brand new and resisting the pain--help
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 680
I'm here. Have been sitting on these issues for so long, but have been glued to "Victims No Longer", a book I think God put in front of me. Not everyday does a male incest book "show up" right in front of you in a public library. Got it used, sat on it, then pulled it out one day. It was all me. Called my best friend and cried in her ear. Can't even stand the "girlfriend" thought because she could abuse me. She is very healthy, but my fear is incredible.
I AM HERE BECAUSE I TOO AM A LIAR. THIS HAS BROUGHT SIGNIFICANT INSECURITY IN OUR RELATIONSHIP, AND WHEN I GET HONEST WITH HER I REALIZE I AM SO DAMN SCARED. SHE IS VERY ACCEPTING, BUT I KNOW I CANNOT DRAIN HER. HONESTLY, I FEEL SHE, LIKE OTHERS, WILL ABANDON ME. I'M SCARED.
I AM A LIAR FROM ALL MY FEELINGS. DON'T KNOW HOW TO FACE THIS. HAVE TRIED ALONE. HATE HAVING ANYONE KNOW. FEEL ANGRY AND READY TO FIGHT WHEN I THINK OTHERS GET TOO CLOSE. BUT I....WOULD DESTROY MYSELF WERE IT NOT FOR OTHERS. LET ME EXPLAIN.
I CONTACTED VOICES IN ACTION TWO WEEKS AGO, THE HARDEST THING I EVER HAVE DONE. IT WAS SO HARD. GOT THEIR RESPONSE AND SIGNED UP FOR A WRITING GROUP. BUT I AM ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW!!!! NOBODY ELSE IS THERE. CALLED VARIOUS NUMBERS THIS MORNING AND FINALLY GOT IN TOUCH WITH A LOCAL LADY WHO WILL SEND ME INFO ON COUNSELLORS (WHO I CAN'T AFFORD), BUT THERE MAY BE HOPE THERE. I JUST WANT TO CRY, AND I HURT MYSELF, NOT PHYSICALLY, BUT WITH ALL THE NEGATIVE FATALISTIC EXPERIENCES FROM OTHERS. THEY PREACH DOOM TOO. "WE DO THIS..." TURNS INTO "WHY DON'T I THEN" AND I FOLLOW SUIT. ISN'T THERE ANY GOOD NEWS OUT THERE?!!!. I NEVER HAD IT AS BAD AS SOME, BUT WITH PHYSICAL INCEST FROM BROTHER, AND EMOTIONAL INCEST FROM MOTHER, NOONE KNOWS MY PAIN. I FEEL ALL ALONE. I THINK I AM ALL ALONE. ANYTHING ELSE, IN MY MIND, IS IMAGINATION. I HAVE NEVER REALLY BEEN THERE....WITH OTHERS. I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE, BUT ASKING FOR HELP IS SO HARD.

HELP..PLEASE


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#45867 - 08/10/02 03:38 PM Re: brand new and resisting the pain--help
Ken Followell Offline
President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 990
Loc: Bradenton, FL
Fhorns,

Welcome, you are not alone here. Try this site for some local resources http://www.malesurvivor.com/ . It is a south Forida site and may know of some groups in your area. I am from the Bradenton/sarasota area and there is not much here so I know how that feels. Therapy is VERY expensive but it does help.

stop by the chatroom some time, it does help.

Ken

_________________________
Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

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#45868 - 08/10/02 04:12 PM Re: brand new and resisting the pain--help
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
fhorns

You are not alone, that's the number one fact of survival - you are NOT alone.

This site is a great starting place, although Mike Lews book is definately the other. My copy is worn out, written and scribbled on, coffee, wine and tear stained. It's one of my treasured possesions.

Therapy is the way to go though, if we try to do it ourselves we go round in circles, we need kicking in the right direction sometimes. But do try to ensure the therapist is either a specialist in SA, or at least very knowledgable about the specific problems we have.

I'm sorry you need to be here, but welcome anyway.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#45869 - 08/10/02 04:43 PM Re: brand new and resisting the pain--help
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 680
thanks guys. I want to feel welcome and want to say the "right" things (gotta laugh--pretty ironic considering this site). But really, I want to connect. Chat isn't until tomorrow night, and I often de-prioritize such things. I just want to connect. I feel crazy inside when there's noone to hear me. And "I" feel gone right now.


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#45870 - 08/10/02 08:03 PM Re: brand new and resisting the pain--help
Roy Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
Hi fhorns, I know that alone feeling all too well. Also how very difficult it is to ask for help, yet I am willing to do almost anything to help someone else. You WILL get through this, and there is life, better life, on the other side. Obviously, this must be the time and place for you to confront these awful issues, what with that book "falling" into your life and all.
I agree with what Lloydy said about getting a therapist to help you with your journey. I wasted a lot of time going around in circles trying to help myself. Problem is, we can't see the forest for the trees. A good therapist will serve as your guide and companion, and offer a perspective you are unable to see by yourself. I know its expensive, but what could possibly be more important than your mental health? You may have to make radical adjustments in your standard of living, but what kind of life will you have if you don't get the help you need. You ought to be able to find some kind low cost counseling through the state of Florida or through the county you live in. And don't be afraid to interview propspective therapists the same way you would a contractor or something. Ask around and try to get referrals, too.
I wish you the very best, man, we are all here for you having the same fears and disruptions in our lives. Another book to check out is "Broken Boys, Mending Men". I don't recall the author's name but I found it very helpful. Like you, I experienced a high level of emotional incest with my mother (she made me her husband and confidant), and this book touches on that issue.

Roy


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#45871 - 08/11/02 04:04 PM Re: brand new and resisting the pain--help
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 680
Guys,
I'm trying to navigate through ICQ, but I don't know how to plug your ID#'s in. How do I find you guys?
Also, I'm waiting for a reply to NOMSV because I can't sign up for chat. There seems to be a block or something. I think I'm doing it right. Experience with this?


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