having just taken the first step into the freedom otter speaks of, i have a few things that i feel i can add. it is hard to believe, but i found myself holding on to the prison he speaks of. after so many years in it i had become institutionalized, and as i stood at the threshold, ready to take that first step, i held on to the doorframe. the most frightening thing in the world was letting go, and stepping off into a free and bright world. as painful as the darkness was, it was familiar and comfortable. i was used to being isolated, and having the world shut off separate from me. staying inside seemed easier than trusting that i would be alright out there in the light with the rest of the world. i just knew my wife would run away, and leave me to crash to the ground. i just knew everything would go wrong, because it always had.
to step off that threshold was the most frightening thing i have ever done. i had to lay it out there for everyone to see, or at least those closest too me. i had to leave the prison of lies and secretes behind, and i could never duck back inside. once released, it would always be released, this monster of abuse and rape.
i cannot even describe how it feels now that she knows everything. it is like the weight of the world has been removed, and she stayed right there with open arms to catch me. God, why did i wait so long to come out with it?
in silence, HE owned me, he won every morning i got out of bed. He raped me again every time i kept it secrete from someone. now that i know freedom, i feel like i can finally start living again, and my world has come alive. our marriage is growing in leaps and bounds now, and i feel accepted and loved like i had always wanted.
i hope all of you can feel this even if it is just for a short time. i know more troubles await me, but if i return to prison, i will have to reconstruct the walls that i tore down, and i will only have myself to blame. but now that i know what both sides are like, i seriously doubt i will be going back in.
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein