when I get hungry, I go back in time.
The pain in my gut pulsates
I can feel the gases moving around
the air pressure inside me changing
the space between my ears constricting
crackling like a high pitched radio squeal
everything seems to be trying to crash in on itself
I am trying to make myself smaller
such a bad needy boy
to want food
to want love
I'm by no means a thin guy
I eat . . . inconsistently
I pack it into large heavy meals
and then try to go as long as I can
I survive too often on soda
a wonder drug in twelve packs
caffeine for my headaches
bubbles for my stomach
sugar for energy
I was often left alone
my job to feed me and my brother
with nothing in the house
but soda, soda, soda.
My dad would have migranes
so he always kept it stocked.
soda, soda, soda.
but you still feel hungry.
My family wasn't poor.
Well, they were sometimes, but it was their own fault.
we had money for food.
its just that the people who had the money
didn't think about the long hours
when they left their children at home.
I feel that I have no right to complain.
That I am bad, selfish, don't deserve to eat.
Feel that pain in your stomach.
Learn to get over it.
Sooner or later it has to become numb, right?
I don't want to mislead you.
I'm not talking about any actual danger of dying
I'm talking about a pretty regular discomfort
A regular reminder that you are not protected.
So when I feel hunger now
The past tells me to feel mad at myself
To call myself weak for wanting food
And to believe, without even looking,
that there is nothing good to eat.
with my stomach screaming at me
but the message I hear
from those groans and crackles
and guttural whistles
It's "this is what you get
for being so selfish!
DON'T EAT -- you don't deserve to!"
So the hungrier I get,
the more I hurt,
but the less I want to eat.
"As long as the child within is not allowed to become aware of what happened to him or her, a part of his or her emotional life will remain frozen . . . all appeals to love, solidarity, and compassion will be useless."
-- Alice Miller