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#458327 - 01/09/14 10:16 AM Telling ones children
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
I have talked to T and my "posse" ( support group) about this topic but it really scared the crap out of me.

The time is not right today nor tomorrow, but someday it will come up. I know it and dread it. It's been "easy" to think of it in the abstract as my kids were toddlers but they are growing fast into thier own people which is an amazing thing to witness and be part of.

I thankfully had some people around me here at MS in my early days to discuss being a dad... again thankfully I got to learn some things by their " mistakes" and have worked very hard to keep my transference out of done of the parenting. A few men I love and trust explained to be they were so hyper vigilant that it negativly effected thier kids and to consider allowing them to live thier lives. I'm certainly watching and caring for them, but I allow them to experience life and be children.

One of the lessons I lea rned from ken singer in regards to this is also we can't always be there and protect them from every situation but if we teach them to stand up for themselves and speak up the chances go way down they will be hurt. I take this advice to heart and work on it with them all the time.

I enjoy a pretty good relationship with the kids girl,9 boy, 6- and I think I provide a safe enough environment fir them to bring thier problems and woes to me. It has happened when my daughter was teased at school and she came to me right away, we talked and safely worked it out. Im grateful to those who helped me figure that out.

I changed my thought process about professing if anybody hurt my kids Id physically harm them. While it's natural to feel that is actually a very harmful thing for children to hear. The fear of them losing their dad to jail or getting killed could prevent them from telling me things we need to discuss....So I suggest, ask, plead with parents to not say such things to thier children.

I'm far far from a perfect dad but worked through the concept of " the good enough parent" with T and I certainly feel Im doing a pretty good job.

This disclosure though weighs on me very much. I suspect they will be wonderful supportive kids like they are with a lot of empathy and support thier dad even if they don't understand or comprehend the trauma. We don't really lie to our kids, do some day soon my 9yo is gonna ask me something, I can just fell it, maybe it's because she's at the age of my onset, IDK but I don't want her looking at me different, a common worry with disclosure.

IDK. that article I just read hit me and thus post is the result....In some ways it's " easier" to hate a neighbor than to hate your brother or thier uncle... incest is so messy


Edited by Castle (01/09/14 10:19 AM)
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My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#458330 - 01/09/14 10:28 AM Re: Telling ones children [Re: Castle]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Harris, it was so nice to read and learn how good father you are!
It is always much easier for me to get lost in their world of imagination and play compared to deserted world of adults. And kids are so much easier to understand, accept and show genuine love that we grown-ups should be many times embarrassed with our narrowness.
I truly believe that your kids would always love their dad, no matter what they would hear or find.
You are who you are and your kids already know you more than well. Reveling your story could just improve their knowledge and trust in their father.

Pero
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#458335 - 01/09/14 12:28 PM Re: Telling ones children [Re: Castle]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 163
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
Hi Castle - two weeks ago I sat down and told my daughter, my wife was with me to provide support, my daughter is 20 and is a teacher at what we call a primary school over here so it's 5 to 8 year olds, she has a huge amount of empathy working with kids and I have to say that it went really well, we didn't talk about details just that I'd been the victim of CSA as a kid. She gave me a hug and told me that she was here for me if I needed to talk about it, did I cry.

She tells me that 2 of her friends have been victims and have talked to her about it in the past.

You sound like a really caring Dad Castle, your kids are very lucky
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Go back?" he thought. "No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!" So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter

J.R.R.Tolkien, The Hobbit

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#458429 - 01/10/14 05:27 PM Re: Telling ones children [Re: Castle]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
Thank you both fir your replies.

While I'd love to wait till she's 20, I dont currently talk to my brother and suspect the topic will come up before then.
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My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#458435 - 01/10/14 09:01 PM Re: Telling ones children [Re: Castle]
unhappycamper Offline


Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 597
Loc: VA
When my roof fell in, my kids were 7 and almost-4. Obviously I didn't tell them all the gruesome details at that age, but the fact is that children are MORE scared when they know their parents are hiding something important from them. I just told them in general terms that I had to see a doctor because I couldn't sleep right, the problem made me jumpy and upset sometimes, etc. When I thought they were old enough, I explained what happened. (Of course, the incessant parade of CSA news stories supplied some context and information, so I didn't have to say it all.)

BTW, Did I mention that I had NO idea how to be a Dad? Mine died of cancer when I was 3, and I had no other male relatives or dad-role models. Not only did I apparently do a "good enough" job, I got to be a kid again for a few years, and do it right! Lego's, Misterogers, Thomas the Tank Engine, Brownies and Cub Scouts... It was great! Enjoy the early years.

John

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#458456 - 01/11/14 07:56 AM Re: Telling ones children [Re: Castle]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Quote:
I changed my thought process about professing if anybody hurt my kids Id physically harm them. While it's natural to feel that is actually a very harmful thing for children to hear. The fear of them losing their dad to jail or getting killed could prevent them from telling me things we need to discuss....So I suggest, ask, plead with parents to not say such things to thier children.


That's brilliant. Kids innately do not want to do things that they know will get their parents angry. "Making a mess" is one thing, making Mommy cry is another. Parents have to take a more low-key approach to avoid pre-emptively scaring kids into silence. I never told because I had seen my parents react to a large-scale perp situation in our town which to my young eyes turned them into different people - crying and panicking - and how they declared the young victims, one of whom I knew closely, to be future psychos and murderers in training. Was never ever going to have them see me as that way.

John - lol! Yeah, there are times when I "suggest" certain toys for junior to play with because I like to "help" him with them. We also bond over Phantom Tollbooth, which was one of my favorite movies as a kid - I tried it out on him and it worked smile


On a less happy note.... I feel like I'm on an upwards track more or less, but can already feel that I will be in a really bad way when my son turns 8, which was That Year for me. It feels much too young for me to tell him yet, but I will (somehow) tell him when he's still young enough to be in danger. 13-year-olds often experiment with pot and alcohol, and are made even more vulnerable as they move more independently... I could give him a safely abridged story then.


Matt
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"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#458457 - 01/11/14 09:50 AM Re: Telling ones children [Re: Castle]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 751
Loc: michigan
hey my friend
all I have to offer is my experience and our situations are very different so I don't know how helpful that will be.You seem to be doing great this far so I only offer this. the most important thing... let then know early that you are human,admit your errors. I have totally disclosed to my kids now though they don't know details and they have actually helped me in many ways to seek help. we actually talk together and cried together but it began when they were young by simple acts of sharing. I did pray that they never ask to go to camp or whatever because I don't think I could have allowed that. but we did let them go on school trips they wanted to go on because mom could go with as chaperone,so it became a win win.when it came to questions of why? I could honestly tell them "I love you so much that I need to know you are safe. this is just something in me" or I might tell them that "school was not a happy time for me and I want it to be better for you" and if questions came up there were plenty of examples I could use that were not csa related.I felt like you man that honesty and openness is best. we cant protect them always, but I think we can share the lessons learned without necessarily sharing how we learned them.
good luck my friend
jeff
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Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#458462 - 01/11/14 11:45 AM Re: Telling ones children [Re: Castle]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Castle- you are doing such an excellent job as dad. As your kids grow up, as time passes and life unfolds they will understand you in a way other kids don't understand their father. They will always look up to you. They will become independent and secure. They will become protective of you in ways you will find amazing, even when you only see them every few months. They will have their own lives, which is our goal as good dads, but it doesn't just happen. Look at all the families and people who haven't stopped the cycle of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse- which is what we have stopped-….. You just make me proud, guy.

And as far as family of origin abuse is concerned, the recent physical threat I received from the older bro I shared with my grown sons. It was the perfect opportunity to point out one of the major reasons why I put so much distance between my childhood and adulthood. Life will continually unfold and you will always have moments when you can teach your children.

And as you guys pointed out about playing with the kids toys, I loved playing with HeMan and Skull Mountain and transformers and GI Joes and hot wheels…and yelling "to infinity and beyond"… etc… and all those things I wasn't given the chance to do when little !! and now I get to repeat with my two 2 yr old grand kids…

So just to let you know, Castle… it gets better and better and better as life unfolds and we begin to make some peace with the hurt. We never excuse it, minimize it, or forget it, but we acknowledge it and what it has done. And our gifts which were stolen from us as youngsters are returned ten-fold and more.


Edited by ThisMan (01/11/14 11:50 AM)
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