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#45835 - 02/20/03 02:24 AM Speaking out
cog Offline
Member

Registered: 01/10/03
Posts: 42
I need to speak. I need to not have this be a secret any longer. I do not wish to harm another by what I have to say, but I need to say it.


I have been in therapy for 6 months. I just got done with a therapy session today. I am exhausted, but I feel a little less burdened.

I was sexually abused by my older brother for 10 years starting at age 6. He subjugated me. He dominated he. At the time I loved him and looked up to him as a brother. Now I cannot speak to him.
When I was 12 years old, he tricked me into taking off my clothes. He tied all 4 of my limbs tightly to a bed, face down and brutally raped me. The pain and trauma still continue after 23 years later. When he was done he laughed.
For the next 22 years I have had night terrors where I am being rectally skewered by cannibals with large pointy sticks. I wake up screaming the most horrifying blood curdling screams, panicking everyone in the house (and neighbors).

My younger brother was also sexually abused and anally raped by my older brother.

We are just getting to cover this (being tied to the bed and being raped) issue in therapy and it is the most painful of all the issues. For the first time I am having anxiety about going to therapy.

But at least for today, I feel something is turning. And I want to say this to the world:

I was brutally raped and humilated by my brother when I was a child. I did not deserve it. It wasn't my fault.

It helps for me to say that.
"I did not deserve it. It wasn't my fault." I asked my therapist if he could go over that part again, and that reassurance -- that it wasn't my fault. That I wasn't bad, that I didn't deserve it. Hearing that feels like it makes a little difference.

I have been internalizing alot of what happened; blaming myself, and thinking I must have done something wrong. I have been Feeling Shame. I felt that I must have been bad. I must have had a horrible character flaw, because what else could explain why I was being punished with "this". Why else, would he do it?
Well, now I know the answer, which is: My brother is a MONSTER.

Dealing speciifically with this rape issue has been extremely horrible and I haven't been able to work for 2 weeks now because my mind does not want to deal with re-processing the trauma. I am deathly afraid of re-experiencing the horror and pain. I have a psychogenic seizure disorder because of this trauma and it has been whopping me good every day for the last 2 weeks. Anxiety and depression are also cruel and punishing to me.

But today, at least today, I feel that there is a little bit of healing. The anxiety and depression and seizures may still come, but I feel a little relieved. I feel a little better. I like feeling better. I am looking forward to tomorrow.


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#45836 - 02/20/03 02:44 AM Re: Speaking out
oldjoe Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/27/02
Posts: 18
Loc: Washington
Cog, my good friend, this is both a heartbreaking and joyous post, I am so sorry for the pain and suffering you have endured, as well as your brother, but, you healing is wonderous and gives me hope that I too will start to see some daylight soon.
stay on the track ,it is working and you are a great example that it is working

Gary


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#45837 - 02/20/03 07:31 AM Re: Speaking out
Jess Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/03
Posts: 107
Loc: California
Dear cog, I am so sorry for what your brother did to you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE, my Brother. The trauma you went through, others here have gone through it too. The pain you feel when you remember the attack, is felt by your "Brothers" here too. We feel your pain and we cry tears for you too. As you share more with your therapist, and you finally free yourself to speak out, your burdens will lift. The shame and guilt you feel will leave you more and more because you gain more understanding that it was NOT your fault. You did not ask to be raped. You did not want to be raped. You are not responsible for what happened to you. You were only 12 and you could not stop what your brother was doing to you. Thank you for sharing your story here, cog. Others, especially newcomers, who read your posts here will gain courage and comfort from your sharing. You will also heal, and as you heal you will share more stories of renewed spirit and strength and of course your continued healing. This gives others a new message that they can hang onto as well. First they learn that they are not alone in their sufferings. Then they learn that they can recover from the trauma and damage that being sexually abused has caused in their lives. As they read your posts about your recovery, this gives them HOPE. You, also, will receive healing from knowing that what you write and share here about your experiences is helping others by giving them hope, and encouragement to speak out and to seek therapy both one on one and in group. Thanks again for your honesty, cog and for sharing with us here. We are here to support you and we also need your support as well. We are "Brothers" here, the kind of "Brothers" that you can depend on, and trust to protect your best interests. You're doing good, cog. Keep up the good work! Sincerely, Jess.


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#45838 - 02/20/03 08:49 AM Re: Speaking out
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
COG. Ditto to what Jess wrote.
I too was brutally raped when I was 16 for over a nine month period. I cant begin to know how it felt for you in as much as it was your brother but I know what it was like for me by my 3 perpetrators. I was used to gratify their every urge and fantasy. The trauma of that has tormented me all my life. And the shame is terrible because over time as it was happening my body betrayed me by bing aroused. Know this my brother if we do not heal your perp and mine WIN. When you brother did what he did to you he actually destroyed being part of your family. And to think that he involved your younger brother just verifies the animal that he is. So HE CANNOT WIN. The only way to prevent that YOU must WIN. Remember as you travel the road to recovery to be gentle with yourself and take time to feel good about your accomplishments. We all have an inner strength that we ignore. IN SPITE OF EVERYTHING WE HAVE SURVIVED. The best to you and your younger brother. Become active here in your posts. You can rant,cry, tremble or whatever. We, your brothers in this do not judge or sneer. we know where you two have been and are on the same road to recovery as the two of you.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#45839 - 02/20/03 12:12 PM Re: Speaking out
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
I need to speak. I need to not have this be a secret any longer. I do not wish to harm another by what I have to say, but I need to say it.
Good for you my friend. I know how you feel. Damn good for you!

Quote:
But at least for today, I feel something is turning. And I want to say this to the world:

I was brutally raped and humilated by my brother when I was a child. I did not deserve it. It wasn't my fault.

It helps for me to say that.
Yeah, it helps me too, Cog.

I was raped by an adult gay couple my mother (who also incested me) sold me to when I was ten. I don't even remember all of what happened and maybe it's just as well. I remember enuf--or is that too much? No I want to remember, and I want to tell the world. And I will!

Oh yeah, something is turning. I'm turning around my life, and I'm turning the tables on them! I'm starting to really live, a good life. One those , no one in my childhood, gave me. One they cannot & will not take away!

Quote:
"I did not deserve it. It wasn't my fault." I asked my therapist if he could go over that part again, and that reassurance -- that it wasn't my fault. That I wasn't bad, that I didn't deserve it. Hearing that feels like it makes a little difference.
You did not deserve it. It was not your fault. You are not a bad person.
Your brother is a monster. All that does make a difference. For you. For all of us.

Quote:
But today, at least today, I feel that there is a little bit of healing. The anxiety and depression and seizures may still come, but I feel a little relieved. I feel a little better. I like feeling better. I am looking forward to tomorrow.
Brother in survival, in the words of Tom Petty you've been stood up, even dragged thru, the gates of hell. Yet you do not back down. Man, you rock! You're an inspiration! You are a survivor! And I, and all your survival brothers here, are damn proud of you!

May the Force, the Inner Strength, the Higher Power within you be ever stronger in you, and in us all!

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#45840 - 02/20/03 12:46 PM Re: Speaking out
RickL Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/02
Posts: 84
Loc: Oregon
Wow Cog,

What a brave survivor you are! Please share that with your 12 year old self! How brave, courageous and innocent he is!

Your post brings me tears and gratitude at the same time. Keep posting to help heal that little guy. We are a brotherhood here, hand in hand with a net to catch you whenever you need it.

You might consider attending one of the malesurvivor retreats. I went to the one in September. It was one of the most nurturing experiences I've ever had!

Take care,

Rick


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#45841 - 02/20/03 07:07 PM Re: Speaking out
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Cog

"I need to speak. I need to not have this be a secret any longer."

Every time you speak, we listen - and the secret is no longer a secret.

"I did not deserve it. It wasn't my fault."

Never forget that.

"Well, now I know the answer, which is: My brother is a monster."

Or that...

"I feel a little better. I like feeling better. I am looking forward to tomorrow."

Because tomorrow WILL be better.


It's not easy, and don't believe anyone who tells you it is, but it's a whole lot easier together.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#45842 - 02/20/03 07:21 PM Re: Speaking out
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
Cog,

How sad that your brother did this to you. I brought to mind a question.

What bothers you more. The sexual assault or that you were betrayed by a person that you trusted and looked up to?

Good luck on your journey to finding peace

John

_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

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#45843 - 02/20/03 07:36 PM Re: Speaking out
seaotter Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/19/02
Posts: 16
Loc: Netherlands, EU
To my friend cog, and to all to whom it may concern,

--------------------------------------------------


I knew a boy once, just a little boy.

Doing what all boys do, liking what every boy likes and playing and exploring that great new thing, which the world is to little boys.

Now this was a good boy, kind and thoughtful to the needs of others.

No matter what, he always did his best, and surely he never missed a day in school, yes, this was a good boy, for sure.

Worked when he was supposed to, and played whenever he could, in a little boy's world, filled with horses, soldiers, knights and pirate ships, pledges of life-long friendships and an open mind to all things around him.

Yes, to all who saw this boy it seemed a sight to behold, that boy who was all that embodied boyhood itself, those beautiful few years of summer days in fields of clover, the years of wonder.

The old men looked at this boy and thought back to their own fainting memories of those long bygone times, that for sure seemed to get more like heaven every day.

And too, this boy had his fears, of monsters under the bed, ghosts and boy-eating giants, mean old dragons and crocodiles and tigers.

But this boy's fears were no fantasies, no glimpses of imagination nor the dreams that stem from grandma's scary tales of wolves and trolls.

No, this boy's fears were all too real, so was his hunger. His wounds did not bleed imaginary blood, nor was the terror that climbed into his bed, a ghost or just a bad dream. That embodiment of fear was his dad, his brother, a neighbour, a foster, a friend of the family, a Minister, a teacher or whatever form evil chose to appear in.

This was a very scared and confused, hurting little boy, so scared and ashamed nobody could ever know, for what was going on? He sure did not know, he just did not understand what and why that happened, what was wrong with him? For that he knew, something was wrong.

And surely it could not be the adult, for adults are always right. Right?

So was forged the ball and chain of shame, the imprisonment of a young mind, the torture of memory, the dungeons of evil open wide and deep for this boy, and although he tried to get hold of whatever he could hold on to, the drop down seemed to never stop.

Like running the gauntlet, his drop down. Years went by and he encountered the shadows of his past, for sure, he smelled the Sulphur and brimstone, and he saw with his very own eyes the blazing pits of Hell itself.

Then, one day, he hit the bottom. Hard. Face down, as naked and helpless as the day he was born.

He sat up, slowly coming to his senses, so long lost.

As he looked at his battered and bruised body, he suddenly realized he was not a boy anymore, no, he was a full grown man.

He asked himself what happened, and cried over his lost youth.

Suddenly he noticed a boy was standing in front of him.

That boy was he.

He asked the boy what to do, and the boy duly replied that it was not for him to answer a grown up as to what to do,

But he said to the man “seek the answers within us” and the boy disappeared as suddenly as he had appeared.

He heard a voice saying though “I will never leave you, take care of us” “both…….”

The man cried, for he had so craved for someone to talk to, after what seemed to be an eternity of loneliness.

But as he sat there, whining and moaning his misery, he realized what it was, that the lost boy had meant.

He stood up, and he knew just what to do.

He was going to fight, and set that boy inside him, free.

As a clarity of his mind, like nothing he ever had known came over him, he realized he was still down in that dark pit.

He looked up, but nowhere could he see the light of day.

He felt the walls, but no door was there.

He felt the floor, but no way out he could find.

Then that old feeling of disheartening came over him again, and he was about to give up when he saw a flash before his eyes

He saw himself, long ago, in agony.

This very sight filled him with a rage,

A rage only the truthful can feel,

And with a battle cry no ordinary man could ever holler out,

He tore down the walls of his prison with his bare hands and the strength of his mind.

He was free.

His dark confinements had changed into a field of blooming clover, and roe deer and wild creatures grazing and roaming therein, all was there, like Noah's ark it seemed, and a stream as clear as Silver ran through it. All was there,

all, but fear or evil.

Never had he encountered such beauty, and as he stood in this field, he felt as if he was born again.

But he knew, what evil was now. Oh, yes. He knew alright.

But there, that day on which he learned the true meaning of the word freedom,

He swore a solemn oath:

I will not bow my head, nor shall I live in bondage.

Never again shall I allow evil to rule my mind, my body nor anything that is mine,

For it was given to me, and now as I behold that which was denied me for so many a year,

I know

There are things worse than dieing.

I shall prefer to fall to the hand of any man who would deny me all this which is good and beautiful,
rather than to ever submit again.

For I know now, Lord God, what precious gift you have given me.

I shall prove worthy of it.

He saw then, the boy, which he once had been,

Playing and running free in the field, a sight to behold.

A smile on his face.

And he knew,

He had set his past and future free


-------------------------------------------------
Be well and stay well,

Gunnar


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#45844 - 02/20/03 09:16 PM Re: Speaking out
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Gunnar, that is the story of so many of us--at least the first part. For some, we haven't experienced the freedom--but the expectation that we will, keeps us going. It is great to have you visit us here again. You are a fine young man. So glad that you are experiencing the freedom--you richly deserve it, as do we all.

We are all so much like cog! we think all kinds of bad thoughts about ourselves.

What has helped me a lot is to think what I would say today to a kid the same age who had the same things happen to him. I would bet a lot of cash, if I had any, that not a single one of us would yell at him that it is his fault, he should not have "allowed it", he caused it to happen. No way. The gift is to tell ourselves that about ourselves.

I have a really close friend, he is like a son to me. We have walked a long painful journey together. When he first started to talk to me about his abuse he said he was not sure it was abuse. This young man is a police officer. I asked him what he would do if he got a call and went to a house and found out that the exact same thing just happened to the 16 yo boy living there. He assurred me he would arrest the man and cuff in a heart-beat. Somehow, that began to make sense to him.

Sometimes guys, I think we are too nice to our perps. We want to, at the very least, share the blame with them. NO! They are the criminals and I guess mentally ill people. We are the little kid that should have been hugged and loved and told how wonderfdul he is.

Let us not be so kind to our perps--they do not deserve it. When we think we should share the blame, I think we join the crowd of the ignorant who say: "Oh, it is not as bad for a boy." I refure to be a part of that crowd anymore.

Congratulations cog! Enjoy as much as you can, every second of each day.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#45845 - 02/20/03 09:19 PM Re: Speaking out
cog Offline
Member

Registered: 01/10/03
Posts: 42
Chey-wy: I am sorry, that I cannot answer your question. I don't know how to. Both of the events: the betrayal and the sexual abuse are interlinked, and I can't separate them to give a cohesive answer. I can't imagine (nor do I want to try) anything worse.


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#45846 - 02/20/03 09:38 PM Re: Speaking out
cog Offline
Member

Registered: 01/10/03
Posts: 42
I am deeply touched by the sentiment expressed here. It made me cry. I feel goodness in each of you.
From the depth of my being, I thank you.


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#45847 - 02/20/03 11:27 PM Re: Speaking out
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Gunnar,

What an awesome powerful story of going thru the valley of the shadow of death to the top of the mountain. Thank you for sharing.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#45848 - 02/21/03 01:49 AM Re: Speaking out
Lightfang Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/26/00
Posts: 102
Loc: Minnesota
cog,
I didn't read all the replies to your post. But I am sure they were good and supportive. I am so happy to see that you are doing better.

Great Job,

George

_________________________
"Please love and protect all children, they are the future of us all!!"

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#45849 - 02/21/03 07:52 AM Re: Speaking out
Little_E Offline
Member & Volunteer
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 11/14/02
Posts: 169
Loc: London UK
Seaotter; WOW!! Shit dude that story ruled! It was So powerful!! Shit!!

_________________________
If your not livin on the edge your taking up to much space!

DISTUBED VISIONS OF AN UNDERWORLD!!

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#45850 - 02/21/03 01:02 PM Re: Speaking out
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
having just taken the first step into the freedom otter speaks of, i have a few things that i feel i can add. it is hard to believe, but i found myself holding on to the prison he speaks of. after so many years in it i had become institutionalized, and as i stood at the threshold, ready to take that first step, i held on to the doorframe. the most frightening thing in the world was letting go, and stepping off into a free and bright world. as painful as the darkness was, it was familiar and comfortable. i was used to being isolated, and having the world shut off separate from me. staying inside seemed easier than trusting that i would be alright out there in the light with the rest of the world. i just knew my wife would run away, and leave me to crash to the ground. i just knew everything would go wrong, because it always had.

to step off that threshold was the most frightening thing i have ever done. i had to lay it out there for everyone to see, or at least those closest too me. i had to leave the prison of lies and secretes behind, and i could never duck back inside. once released, it would always be released, this monster of abuse and rape.

i cannot even describe how it feels now that she knows everything. it is like the weight of the world has been removed, and she stayed right there with open arms to catch me. God, why did i wait so long to come out with it?

in silence, HE owned me, he won every morning i got out of bed. He raped me again every time i kept it secrete from someone. now that i know freedom, i feel like i can finally start living again, and my world has come alive. our marriage is growing in leaps and bounds now, and i feel accepted and loved like i had always wanted.

i hope all of you can feel this even if it is just for a short time. i know more troubles await me, but if i return to prison, i will have to reconstruct the walls that i tore down, and i will only have myself to blame. but now that i know what both sides are like, i seriously doubt i will be going back in.

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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