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#458229 - 01/08/14 05:46 AM Going Against the Grain: "Conventional Wisdom"
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 587
This is something that came out of my journal today, and I wanted to share it to get some feedback from others. I think part of my recovery had to do with doing away with a lot of these downright lies (my interpretation of them, anyway - I'm sure some will disagree with things I classify as such here):
  • Infancy is not important - I think this aspect is sometimes overlooked, especially when the CSA happened after our abuse. I've learned that how we are treated as infants and babies (whether with love and attention, or neglect) profoundly shapes how we deal with abuse in later life.
  • Friends are always friendly - they're not. They point out things you're doing wrong if they think they're hurting you.
  • Love should be unconditional - only in childhood. To seek unconditional love when you're an adult from another adult (or from a child, for that matter) is a recipe for disaster.
  • What works for you works for others - it doesn't. We're wired so differently even from before the abuse that what works for you may be detrimental to someone else.
  • You shouldn't keep secrets - sometimes disclosure isn't the best thing. It may be ill-timed, or done unwisely with someone who will take advantage of your secret or use them to lecture you and feel better about themselves.
  • Feeling is weakness - feeling is getting in touch with your true self, and sometimes coming face to face with long-buried painful truths. It actually takes courage to feel.
  • Your worth is based on (your latest) achievements and success - everyone has intrinsic worth, regardless of one's utility.
  • You should only feel positive emotions; negative emotions are bad - guilt, shame, pain, suffering, devastation, jealousy, envy, anger, hatred, humiliation etc. are all natural emotions that are part of the human experience and an access to the truth of what's going on in reality. Act on them? Not always the best thing, but acknowledging and feeling them does not make you a bad human being.
  • Healing can only be found in human relationships - human relationships are only part of the solution. Music, beauty, arts, nature are all overlooked but can be critical, and sometimes more important, in healing than human relationships.
  • There is a standard way for loving everyone - everyone is different and has different needs. Everyone has a different story that has its own peculiarities and nuances - all of them have to be addressed in order to truly understand and love someone. You can't do A, B and C and say "I love you" and expect the recipient to agree.
  • Law acknowledges and protects us from all forms of abuse - emotional abuse is sadly not a "crime". What a different world it would be if it was, though I agree it's hard to prove and can lead to murky waters. That being said though, there are many alcoholics, drug addicts and sadly those who take their own lives because of it. Very underestimated in terms of its power and destruction.
  • Lying is bad - lying sometimes is the only way to protect yourself from further harm. Telling the truth requires trust, and that is something that is earned, not something to be taken for granted or forced.
  • Good intentions lead to good actions - sometimes with the best of intentions, you can hurt someone.
Thoughts? Any others that come to mind?


Edited by concerned_husky (01/08/14 01:27 PM)
Edit Reason: Edited point on integration.
_________________________
Husky

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#458231 - 01/08/14 08:48 AM Re: Going Against the Grain: "Conventional Wisdom" [Re: concerned_husky]
ScottSmith Offline


Registered: 03/18/12
Posts: 26
Loc: CA desert
your Journal must be HUGE
keep on journaling
you are a Rock Star!!!
keep on digging it up
expose it to the light
if was meant to be
it will grow
if its not
it wasn't meant to be

love and kindness
and a nice loud upward howl
will do us all some good
_________________________
Scott
"You can always hear the laughter but seldom hear a tear fall."
Keith Johnstone

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#458320 - 01/09/14 08:38 AM Re: Going Against the Grain: "Conventional Wisdom" [Re: concerned_husky]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 270
Loc: PA
Wow, it's good to know I am not the only one who thinks about a lot of things in great detail :-D

As someone who hires people and has staff that report to him I look for people who can think AND express themselves on this level. They seem to be a rare commodity in my field.

I love all of it. Wish I had half your insights when I was you age. I would have fared much better in life. Everything in life is really about a balance I think. So many things can be both good and bad depending on the situation. You seem to look for and find that sweet spot of just the right balance. Pretty impressive.

The only one I feel a need to comment on is the unconditional love one :-) I don't think anyone can offer true unconditional love. No one is that unselfish. I do think that some expectation of unconditional love on some level is a good thing in a relationship with a close friend or significant other. My best friendships are the ones where the person tells me I may be doing something the wrong way but is still there to support me. Don't give up on finding people who will love and support you even if they don't agree with all your decisions or ideas. You will get hurt by some but when you find the ones who don't hurt you and only want to love and protect you it's awesome. Also don't be shy about telling someone who loves you when they are doing something that hurts you. Relationships take effort and for the really good ones it's worth it.

Hope you share more of your journal with us in the future. :-)

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#458350 - 01/09/14 03:54 PM Re: Going Against the Grain: "Conventional Wisdom" [Re: concerned_husky]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 694
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Husky,

I love, agree, accept your entire list. What comes to mind for me is of course what is most personal for me at this time. "It actually takes courage to feel." Yes, and for me persistence. In my sixties I am doggedly continuing with opening up hidden material from infancy on. I get and understand what happened from 20 on, and even understand from around 16 on. But 0-14 is still a blur. The key for me is the very early stuff. It seems to continue to reveal itself, but it does require great patience. Thank you for your offering. It is integrative for me and helps me see where I have been and where I have to go.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#458447 - 01/11/14 03:41 AM Re: Going Against the Grain: "Conventional Wisdom" [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 587
Thanks for the input, guys...

I thought I'd add another one that's been most relevant to me the last few days:
  • Running away is taking the easy way out - not true at all. I read in a psychology book that one is so used to chronic abuse, one tends to prefer the certainty of misery than the misery of uncertainty. Running away is the hardest thing I've had to deal with so far.
_________________________
Husky

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#458449 - 01/11/14 03:50 AM Re: Going Against the Grain: "Conventional Wisdom" [Re: concerned_husky]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 594
Originally Posted By: concerned_husky
Thanks for the input, guys...

I thought I'd add another one that's been most relevant to me the last few days:
  • Running away is taking the easy way out - not true at all. I read in a psychology book that one is so used to chronic abuse, one tends to prefer the certainty of misery than the misery of uncertainty. Running away is the hardest thing I've had to deal with so far.


very good point. The day I realized that there is no value in sticking with a bad thing just for the sake of not being called a quitter is the day my life became a lot easier. Sometimes cutting and running is the healthiest thing you can do.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#458452 - 01/11/14 05:41 AM Re: Going Against the Grain: "Conventional Wisdom" [Re: concerned_husky]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 694
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
This is the first time I have been able to crystallize in thought my life pattern. The uncertainty of change has kept me trapped in the certainty of misery. I have kept repeating abusive situations until recently. And, it has been very difficult to live with the uncertainty of change. But, I'm doing it and it does feel good, though scary. I am living in the not knowing right now, and waiting for something new and different to come into my life. Previously I've just raced out and repeated the old. This is a very big deal for me. Thanks, Don.
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#458464 - 01/11/14 12:17 PM Re: Going Against the Grain: "Conventional Wisdom" [Re: concerned_husky]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3401
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Re the last 3 posts - Shakespeare said it pretty well in Hamlet's soliloquy -

"But that the fear of something ... makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others that we know not of ... and lose the name of action."

He was talking about contemplating death - but I think it applies to any form of momenteous change.

And I know that this kind of familiarity with the status quo - coupled with fear of the unknown - has often kept me stuck in a bad place. To me - that is what hitting bottom means - finally admitting that ANYTHING is better than where I am - and therefore being willing to try whatever it takes - out of desperation - rather than from hope. But it eventually leads to hope smile - and change!

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#458517 - 01/12/14 03:32 PM Re: Going Against the Grain: "Conventional Wisdom" [Re: concerned_husky]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Wow Husky. I should print out your leading entry and keep it on the desk. It touches on so many of the issues I've had in the past year or ten. I can't even begin to go point-by-point, so I'll just say thank you.

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