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#457965 - 01/04/14 10:51 AM "If my abuser wasn't dead... I'd kill her..."
Moreorless Offline


Registered: 10/07/13
Posts: 20
Loc: Pittsburgh
(Apologies for length and my persistent abuse of poetic license...)

Quote:
"The ancient Greeks saw the future as something that came upon them from behind their backs with the past receding away before their eyes. When you think about it, that's a more accurate metaphor than our present one. Who really can face the future? All you can do is project from the past, even when the past shows that such projections are often wrong. And who really can forget the past? What else is there to know?" - Robert Pirsig


Fuck you mom, and the mental illness you rode in on...

You stole my life from me...

Why the anger now? Why out of the blue?

[This is where the psychosomatic physical response overpowers me... I start to think about this; I start to type and global fatigue sets in. I've just had two cups of coffee, I slept, roughly, 7 hours last night and right now, in this moment, my whole body wants to sleep... I'm sure I'm not the only one that goes through that.]

I'm 31 years old. I realized that, for the first 20 years of my life, I learned very specific things about living/loving and about reality. I spent the next 10 years reinforcing those corrosive lessons; I lived the only way I knew how.

Now - I look back over my life, I analyze.

I realize now just how much I carried her legacy. I behave(d) like her in so many aspects of my life.

While I have a list upwards of 40 examples - there is one, particularly, that has pervaded my life in such a manner that very important relationships are affected...

Most people, average people, consider it difficult to separate love from sex or vice versa... I never understood why this was difficult for people. Furthermore - I came to realize that I don't understand why I don't understand why people think it is difficult.

If you love someone - set them free. Even if they are not trying to leave. Especially if they are not trying to leave; and never, ever, get too close to them.

I realized that, long ago, I severed the connection because it made sense to me to do so and now, now I have the opposite difficulty that most people have - I have a very difficult time joining sex and love.

I remembered then... Yes, I had the abuse... All the physical, the theft and destruction of my possessions, throwing me out into the cold, coming home from junior high school and finding my clothing and books in garbage bags on the porch, my mother leaving her dildos around the house, my mother bending me over her bed so that she could clean my ass...

And all of this has its own world of hurt and awfulness to get through.

But it was when her affairs started; I must have been 8 when she told me the first time, "do not tell your father..."

When I was a teen and my father beat me to the operating table and consequentially was arrested and not allowed to come to our house again - the affairs were easier, open.

Our house, me alone with my crazy mother, became a revolving door of shitty drunk men who would come over, have sex with her and leave. Just years of this.

If you love someone - you sleep with someone else.

The thing is - my girlfriend of 3 years and I - we haven't had sex more than twice in the past year...

The triggering event for this rant is...

The local barista where I get my coffee is a busty Turkish girl with an accent and an addiction to belly dancing... We're all friends with her and I can't even deny the fact that she's been a very active player in many of my dreams at night...

On New Year's Eve this barista and I were at the same party and she, in her broken English, tells me how much she loves me... Stands from her seat, grabs my head and her tongue goes straight into my mouth...

I'm a fairly self-controlled individual and was able to push her to arms length and talk to her instead of letting anything go further.

The conflict within me was like trying to hold back the tides of a tsunami with a million tiny hands... I could really easily see myself having sex with her.

I told my partner about what had happened, we struggled through it, everything is fine.

And then it all hit me - anytime I have ever had a relationship with a girl where my emotions for her escalated to something even resembling love - our relationship crumbled because I lost all of my ability to be intimate with her. There is no exception that I can think of. And in the same respect - my most active periods in my sex life where when I had a running, so to speak, friends with benefits.

I look down at my lit cigarette; smoke pouring in and out of a cup of rum, I feel the high of the amphetamines I took this morning and the whole world quakes, I sneak into the bathroom, afraid of what I'm going to find.

Cold feet on the tile floor. Above the bathroom sink. In the mirror is my mother's seething joker smile and fanged teeth laughing...

I think of loving someone and being loved by them, I think of sex with women I don't love...

My mother breathes out her Carlton cigarette smoke through her nose and smiles with her teeth clenched, laughing, she says, "you get to have neither..."

And I grind my teeth, shut my eyes and whisper back, "I'm glad you hanged yourself..."
_________________________
"There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in." - Leonard Cohen

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#457966 - 01/04/14 11:19 AM Re: "If my abuser wasn't dead... I'd kill her..." [Re: Moreorless]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1350
That was such an incredibly powerful piece of sharing, I am unable to respond with anything more than shock right now. Is thank you an appropriate thing to say?
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#457969 - 01/04/14 11:39 AM Re: "If my abuser wasn't dead... I'd kill her..." [Re: Moreorless]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1106
Loc: The ATL

Hi Moreorless. Like Eirik, I am speechless. That was an amazing post. All I can say is that I hope one day you learn to fuse love and sex in a happy and healthy relationship and, in doing so, finally beat your mother. I don't want to sell you false hope though. This is hope coming from someone who is a hopelessly fucked-up and sexually broken person himself. Whatever happens, I pray that you can one day at least get to a place where she no longer torments you so much. Good luck with that. The level of anger you express at your mom is valid and does not make you a bad person. Peace,

Ken

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#457971 - 01/04/14 11:50 AM Re: "If my abuser wasn't dead... I'd kill her..." [Re: Moreorless]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1652
Moreorless

Reading your words hit my core--I am so sorry for you. I do hope your mother no longer being here let's you know she cannot hurt you or anyone else.

I hope you can move forward and live life. My abuser is still alive but through guidance from the Diocese I was able to report him to the police hotline--they check in to make sure he is not working with children. Legal options are not available due to statute of limitations.

You can not take your mother's life, because she is gone. It is time to try to move on--her life was miserable and I can only hope my abuser and all abusers live a horrific life void of love and happiness--because they deprived us of the life we deserve.

You need to look at the triggers for not having sex with your girlfriend. Now that I have accepted the triggers, learned to manage and more importantly avoid the triggers, accept the abuse and not allow the abuser or others who were responsible for the triggers control me I have found intimacy to be enjoyable and extremely fulfilling. She is kind and we can be adventuresome without triggering the past, it puts sex on a different level. I am in control of myself. I am happy and fulfilled. Sex is a wonderful thing but unfortunately the abuse can make it something that is despised, not enjoyable, confusing, or feared. Facing the abuse and having someone kind and accepting of your past will take you to the place you deserve.

It takes time to heal, you need to find people, like you girlfriend, who try to understand and help you heal so you can feel whole. You need to remove yourself from memories of your mother and put her in her place--in the box below the ground. You have value and are worthwhile. Triggers are powerful, I have people who walked away from me when the turbulence of the abuse took over my life from triggers within my living environment. I miss them and let them control me, thinking if they were present in my life, life would be better--but I now realize after years of therapy and support groups their ways are cruel and were hampering my healing. You cannot change people they can only change themselves and when anger and hate is in their heart they are depriving themselves of the life they deserve. Many good was given to these people, mistakes made, not perfect but there when needed. You mother's metaphysical presence is with you and it seems she had many mental issues and unfortunately you were the recipient of terrible acts. Sadly society tries to deny mental illness and the young usually suffer. Let her go because all abusers and those that torment the abused will never rest peacefully in life or death. You deserve to live peacefully and enjoy your life and girlfriend that has stood by you.

It is a journey of many ups and downs with many doubts, do not give up, because one day it will hit you--and you will love yourself and feel whole. That wounded boy will no longer control but you will accept him and give love to him--

Good luck and thank you for sharing your past and thoughts. Take care of yourself and I do hope you heal.

Kevin

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#458224 - 01/08/14 02:38 AM Re: "If my abuser wasn't dead... I'd kill her..." [Re: Moreorless]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 692
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Moreorless,

This is a tough topic for me. I only began to remember the sexual abuse from my mother last year at age 63. Her influence with me was/is very poisonous and responsible for much of the thinking difficulties I have today. That being said, what helps the most for me is to draw on all the skills I have learned over the years for dealing with blocks in me. I have found that I clear on issues only as I able to move into the feelings, express them, and release them.

So, from my perspective, the best way of getting rid of your mother's influence is to focus on yourself, not her. What do you need in your life to get all this poison out of your system. You seem to be doing great to me with all the raging and venting you are doing here. It feels so healthy to me for you to be expressing yourself in this way. You are the only one who can figure out exactly what you need. Is posting here enough? Would therapy be good for you? My experience is the right book falls off the shelf and hits me on the head when the time is right. Trust your own process.

I am happy for you that all this is conscious for you at such an early age, and hope you are able to find healthy ways to frame and treat such challenging material.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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