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#457897 - 01/03/14 09:17 AM New to the site and recently reveiled CSA
pete1973 Offline


Registered: 01/02/14
Posts: 41
Loc: Ontario, Canada
I was abused at the age of 11 by a stranger on my paper route and then again at the age of 18 by a manager at a gas station I was being interviewed at for a job. I disclosed the first incident immediately to my family and police were involved. The perp is what I guess you would call him although I tend to use much more harsh words for him, well he committed suicide a week after the incident and the whole way things were dealt with me were very odd and hard to understand for an 11 year old who had no understanding of sex and the visit to the psychiatrist pretty much shut me down of expressing any emotions towards what happened, I was way too embarrassed.
When the assault happened at 18 I was as scared and ashamed as I was at 11 and tried to commit suicide by driving my parents car into a canal and drowning but someone must have been watching over me as I got stuck in deep mud on my way to the canal and never went through with it.
I never told anyone of this incident and wrote it off as a stupid joy ride for many years until I finally sought counselling in Jan. 2013.
It has been a year but I feel it will take many years before I feel that I might feel "normal" again if I ever really know what "normal" is.
I hope in time to share my story here and not be judged, it does give me some relief to let it out but I don't want the whole world to know and being somewhat anonymous I think will make it easier to talk about it.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.

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#457898 - 01/03/14 09:24 AM Re: New to the site and recently reveiled CSA [Re: pete1973]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1614
Pete

Opening up about the past abuse is very helpful for the healing. You have to deal with much, the abuse at 11 and 18. Both impacted you in someway. Years ago, CSA was never spoken of, initial actions taken and then the victim was expected to get over it. But burying and hiding the abuse is not healing, but rather has the opposite effect on many.

I am glad you shared your past with us. Everyone here understands, we are all dealing with our own past and the present. You need to feel safe and do not worry, people here will not judge you-for we have walked in your shoes and know judgment is not healing, but rather destructive.

I wish you the best on your journey and remember we are here and if you feel comfortable you can PM individuals or join in on the chats in the chatroom. Everyone finds the right venue for them, like the abuse, we all processed it differently and we all heal differently.

Best wishes,

Kevin

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#457901 - 01/03/14 11:14 AM Re: New to the site and recently reveiled CSA [Re: pete1973]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 751
Loc: michigan
hi pete
I have bee at this this called recovery only slightly longer that you and I have to admit it is a rough ride at times. I totally understand when you speak of the shame man , but try to remember that you were the kid. these bastards took advantage of you. that can be one of the hardest things to hold onto at times. congratulations on finding the courage to tell man it is the beginning of healing and the ability to become whole in out thoughts. feel free to take your time read share as you desire to there is no rush. and feel free also to message me if I can be of any help.
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#457911 - 01/03/14 02:57 PM Re: New to the site and recently reveiled CSA [Re: pete1973]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3311
Loc: O Kanada
your story really moved me.
very powerful.
i am so sorry about what happened.
having to deal with the suicide on top of everything else must have been extreme.
congratulations on making your first post.
welcome to ms.org.
here's hoping you find all kinds of recovery here.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#457919 - 01/03/14 06:34 PM Re: New to the site and recently reveiled CSA [Re: pete1973]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1305
Quote:
...the whole way things were dealt with me were very odd and hard to understand for an 11 year old who had no understanding of sex...

I can so very much relate to that. In my case, I think the adults did what they had to do for their own offended sensibilities rather than my offended fragile integrity.

Quote:
I hope in time to share my story here and not be judged...

You will not be judged - not from me at least. We are all just survivors finding our way among friends through shared experience. Anonymity is not only smart, but is specifically recommended by the site - in part because it does make it easier to talk about.
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#457944 - 01/03/14 11:01 PM Re: New to the site and recently reveiled CSA [Re: pete1973]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1506
Loc: New England
Welcome Pete!

I agree with all the above. There no "perfect" place or way to deal with all this, but the men on MS generally provide support and empathy to one another. We've all share a common experience and common outcomes in our lives. You can talk about it here because we all get it.

Jude
_________________________
"I get up, and nothing gets me down.
You got it tough. I've seen the toughest around.
And I know, baby, just how you feel.
You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real"
Van Halen

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#458029 - 01/05/14 08:23 AM Re: New to the site and recently reveiled CSA [Re: pete1973]
pete1973 Offline


Registered: 01/02/14
Posts: 41
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Wow, thanks for all the responses. I didn't expect this much response to only a partial view on my experiences. I have so much I want to say and share then I have a lot of questions and concerns that I want to address but over time, no rush. I will be posting in survivors stories when I am ready to explain it all. I have pretty much said it all now to my counsellor and partially in my disability application and pretty fully in my application to criminal injuries but I do feel a sense of relief telling others who actually care to hear about it especially if it somehow helps in preventing it from happening to others. My biggest disappointment at the moment is the fact that disability seems to not have an care or concern about what happened or how it has effected me and my life.

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#458030 - 01/05/14 08:38 AM Re: New to the site and recently reveiled CSA [Re: pete1973]
pete1973 Offline


Registered: 01/02/14
Posts: 41
Loc: Ontario, Canada
I am soon to be entering therapy with a psychologist but I have been going to counselling for about a year now and my counsellor feels I am just over worried about things but to me it feels as though disability is trying to humiliate and shame me into dropping my application and appeal. I get the feeling from them as I have from others in the past that a man should be strong and able to let everything bounce off of them and no amount of abuse, any form, from their childhood should effect how they are now or in the future and if it does effect you then you are weak and not a man.
I get paranoid at times and maybe over analyze things but I can't help it, I find the more I keep on the look out for problems, the safer I am as every time I have let my guard down I have been hurt.
It is hard for me to explain but I feel that society and our legal system are screwed (I don't know if using the "F" word is allowed here but that is my word of choice if allowed) and generally I have a large amount of hatred towards both for allowing the things that have happened to me happen but I can only truly feel this way towards a select few people, those that have hurt me and those that have expressed that I should just get over it like I am childish and weak. I generally have a fear talking to others especially if the topic goes towards sexual abuse as I am afraid and ashamed of what people will think of me.

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