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#457970 - 01/04/14 11:43 AM But...
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 611
But...

I donít have flashbacks, my days are still,
But deep down inside, I scream and I shrill;
People always say, ďI never seen you mad,Ē
Thatís ícause I donít want to make you sad;
I donít want to make you truly understand,
The burden of loving a soul you canít stand;
Imprisoned and chained into playing a role,
And having no purpose or meaning or goal;
Husband or father? Donít know which one,
Any male roleÖjust anything but a son;
Open my mind and Iíll take you for a ride,
See how much shitís been deposited inside;
In trying to be sane, Iíve discovered the insane,
The voice of reason now eludes my brain.
I donít have nightmares, my sleep is sound,
But darkness and evil within me abound;
Iím like a container assigned for waste,
Toxic and poisonous in smell and taste;
A sponge that soaks up all that is bad,
A curse for which Iím supposed to be glad.
I was never violated, penetrated nor raped,
But layers of my body have surely been scraped;
Tiny little things that make my skin crawl,
Make me freeze like a silly wooden doll;
Day in, day out, a touch here, a touch there,
Before I know it, itís more than I can bear;
No doubt, each instance of abuse is small,
I agree, they hardly seem to matter at all;
But please, believe me when I say this to you:
The tallies add up, and Iím suffering, too.
I was never tortured, tied up nor bound,
But part of my soul had surely been drowned;
For delivering oneís love with all oneís hate,
Destroys the recipient under a crushing weight;
Amidst the feelings of an insatiable rage,
One must contain all his anger in his cage;
Expected to endure manipulation so vile,
And love the abuser with a spark and a smile;
Demands to swallow dumb lies and believe,
And continue to function, trust and achieve;
I swear on my life, I tried to resist,
But all I feel is that Iíve ceased to exist.
It now seems obvious, the terms of this deal:
I must relinquish my freedom to feel.
I was never held nor overpowered by force,
But guilt then plagues me: did IÖendorse?
So long, I believed in her mantra of ďloveĒ,
As if her calling had descended from above;
Fervently supported by those without eyes,
How could I see through such crafted disguise?
Truth was blocked through implanted guilt,
A bubble of lies that was carefully built;
I was ďspecialĒ, one who truly understood,
Devoted and warped, Iíd do anything I could;
Remnants of grooming still remain within me,
For lies so ingrained are difficult to flee.
I was never threatened with pain or death,
But often, I wished for it under my breath;
My mind is flooded with poisonous foam,
The rage within me has found no home;
A part of me wishes to throw her in jail,
But Iíd be that dumbass who gets her on bail;
And whatís the point of even trying?
To call her a criminal would actually be lying:
Her acts arenít crimes: a hair off the mark,
So here, I sitÖand I holler, and I bark.
It was not so long before I could deduce,
That behind this monster, hid a past of abuse;
And herein lay the source of my demise:
Compassion and sympathy for one I despise.
I know it's hard for some to believe,
That someone like me could cry and grieve;
I know it sounds stupid to love and hate,
You're probably thinking I can't think straight;
But things right now are so fucking grey,
I'm having some trouble finding my way.
I still want to belong to this herd:
I just want my story to be heard.
_________________________
Husky

My Story

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#457975 - 01/04/14 01:16 PM Re: But [Re: concerned_husky]
Cthulhu Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/13/13
Posts: 140
Loc: Cascadia
(((Husky)))

This is really honest and it hurts to read.
_________________________
ďwhat matters most is how well you walk through the fireĒ
-Charles Bukowski

some context

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#457997 - 01/04/14 08:39 PM Re: But... [Re: concerned_husky]
bey Offline


Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 206
Loc: canada
Oh husky
I hear you. They have hurt us in so many ways. Different in some ways, same in others. But the outcome, the confusion, the ambivalence, the hurt, the pain... thats the same stuff.
I am glad you are here, telling your story.

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#458051 - 01/05/14 05:51 PM Re: But... [Re: concerned_husky]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 289
Loc: PA
Husky,

Having love and sympathy for your abuser is something I have never had to deal with but I can see that it does complicate things. I have fellow survivor friends who struggle with this too. Our abusers are human beings and having some feelings for them seems reasonable to me. Maybe they are the way they are for a reason. The things we do as victims hurt others sometimes but don't we still deserve love and sympathy from others? It's the love and support from my MS friends that has helped me get to where I am today. I think our abusers need that kind of support too or they may not have any hope of recovering but do they need that support from their victims? There are enough people in this world to give our abusers the support they need. If our abuser is actively hurting us then we need to do what we can to protect ourselves. Those actions may also be the best things for our abusers as well.

((((Husky))))

I love what you write. Paints a very clear picture of what many of us struggle with.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#458084 - 01/06/14 09:32 AM Re: But... [Re: concerned_husky]
bluesky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/04/13
Posts: 138
I want to say so much but it is to hard. There is to much pain all I can do is send you a(((((hug))))).
_________________________
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
Frank Herbert

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#458206 - 01/07/14 07:32 PM Re: But... [Re: concerned_husky]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 419
Loc: Canada
As one who also writes I really know how long this must have been in the making ...
especially that you rhymed it.
The feelings are there ... but how to voice them is fleeting ... confusing.
Trying to write a new line is difficult when the emotions from the previous one haven't settled down yet.
It's very hard.
Bravo ... it's an impressive piece of work.
If you remember ... although my situation was much different ...
my abuse was also in the form of 'seduction'.
It sure screws you over in a different way doesn't it.
You told your story very well and filled it with excellent expression.
You have been heard.
For this my friend you deserve ...

a standing ovation.


I'm sure some smarty-pants (yeah ... I'm pointing at you victor_victim!) :P
could include a clip of clapping hands ... but sorry husky ...
I'm too dumb and don't know how.

(((husky)))
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#458221 - 01/08/14 02:24 AM Re: But... [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 611
Thanks guys...

Originally Posted By: Shyshark
my abuse was also in the form of 'seduction'.
It sure screws you over in a different way doesn't it.

It sure does. It leaves you in a void. I think it's the closest thing to feeling alive and dead at the same time. Sure you can eat, talk, see, breathe...but, what's the point if you can't feel?

P.S. Sorry for the negativity, I'm really stressed today.


Edited by concerned_husky (01/08/14 02:58 AM)
Edit Reason: Added P.S.
_________________________
Husky

My Story

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#458228 - 01/08/14 05:01 AM Re: But... [Re: concerned_husky]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3603
Loc: O Kanada
this is a beautifully written poem about some ugly truths.
it hurts to read.
but it needs to be heard.
thanks for forging this out of the fire in your soul.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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