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#457691 - 12/31/13 01:42 PM This year I chose to let go of anger
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1389
Loc: California
At the beginning of this year, I decided to become willing to let go of the anger I've had "at life" and for being born with disabilities. I had no idea how to let go of this anger; it's been with me all of my life. But I became willing to let it go, and hope that the answer would reveal itself to me.

Here I am at the end of the year and I'm surprised at what has been revealed. I came to realize how crooked my mom was, what an abysmal failure she was as a mother. I came to realize that my anger "at life" should have been aimed directly at my mother for being so willfully neglectful.

I also learned that when I become anxious, that is a trigger for this anger. I learned that in order to not become angry in those instances, I need to become acutely aware of the anxiety as I'm feeling it, and surf the anxiety, rather than flash over into knee jerk anger.

With the focus of my anger turned away from a nebulous "at life" and towards my mother, I realized how I could finally forgive this experience I've had. I had asked for many years "how the hell do I forgive LIFE itself?". Now the question has become "How do I forgive my mother for what she's done?"

I feel a sense of hope and faith now. I can learn to forgive my mother. I couldn't learn to forgive a vague and confusing concept of "life". Not with totally dysfunctional and disorienting upbringing I had.

Today, at the end of the year, I now have it as my highest priority to forgive that woman for her wrong doings. I have a vision of who I could be without this anger. Some people have dared to say that I already am that person I want to be. Perhaps I can't see that yet because I still have anger in my heart.

I so desire to be rid of this anger. No matter what it takes. I want it to be gone from me; and I want to feel absolution for my mother. I don't have to be angry at her or hate her for what she did, and I also don't have to love or like her either. She's just another tragic human being who has suffered as I, and many others have; growing up in a broken world.

As I look on my life this way, I see the mythos of the hero within. A hero that is at odds against a dysfunctional world that needs saving.

Yes - I pray to have this anger lifted from me. There is too much at stake.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#457743 - 01/01/14 06:37 AM Re: This year I chose to let go of anger [Re: Magellan]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 217
Loc: Western Europe
Very thoughtful and insightful post! thnx!

I recognize this.. this christmas i found out i have major issues with my dad.. still feel a bit anxious about it.. so i'm going with you that i know what to work on and that its not life which is the problem. My relationships are the problem, just as the way i see myself can be a problem sometimes. It all starts with acceptance of all there is to it..

Have a great year and a safe heroes journey smile
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#457984 - 01/04/14 03:19 PM Re: This year I chose to let go of anger [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1389
Loc: California
Thank you, OCN!

I had a similar experience yesterday that surprised me.

I was at the dog park when my dog was playing his usual play with another dog. This other guy yelled at me from across the park. He was upset that my dog was nipping at the heals (he's part border collie).

At that moment, I was returning the pooper scooper to its place. I looked over at him, and felt the surge of anxiety and it instantly flashed to anger. But because I was returning the pooper scooper, I kept my same pace and just looked at the guy and my dog. Dog's just playing.

I dropped off the pooper scooper and then walked up to the guy. Processing that he was upset, that I knew my dog was harmless. I was unconcerned with my dog's behavior, but alarmed at how this would escalate into a terse argument.

I said "I didn't hear what you say. What happened?" Meanwhile, my dog's still playing.

He blusters how my dog is attacking his dog and biting. I listened to him. And then I paused. And I saw that he was more fearful than angry.

A calm swept over me that I'd never experienced before. I knew exactly what to do without having to think about it. I followed my heart. He was afraid and I was going to have compassion, and ignore the obvious display of anger he had.

I told him out of this state of calm that my dog was playing. And I told him he's part border collie. Then he relaxed instantly. "Oh, he's following his instinct to herd."

"Yes, he is."

"I'm not the dog's owner, I'm a dog walker. She can get herself involved in unsafe situations, and I was worried that would happen." he said.

I understood completely. "Ah, that makes sense. My dog's super friendly. But I'll keep an eye on him."

And that was that.

A situation like that in the past always wound up with me becoming frustrated and defensive. Because I saw their anger. That's how I responded - with anger.

I now see that the better response to someone else's anger is compassion; not defensiveness.

That was amazing.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#457985 - 01/04/14 03:55 PM Re: This year I chose to let go of anger [Re: Magellan]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1275
That story just gave me the warmest smile, Magellan. Beautiful. There is no anger - only fear. Being forgiving and understanding is not being weak. It's being smart. You just proved it.
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#457991 - 01/04/14 07:26 PM Re: This year I chose to let go of anger [Re: Magellan]
Banjo596 Offline


Registered: 08/20/13
Posts: 39
Loc: Ohio
smile Thanks Magellan, that hit home.
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Jeff

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#458131 - 01/06/14 09:30 PM Re: This year I chose to let go of anger [Re: Magellan]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3007
Loc: O Kanada
a worthy read.
good stuff.
thanks, guys.

anger has been one of my worst problems.

not so much the emotion, but the magnitude of the impact it has on my thoughts when it boils in hatred, and my actions whenever it explodes in rage.

age and time and experience have improved my behaviour and lifestyle exponentially.

i never lost my temper, it is still there,
but it has been tempered smile
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Victor|Victim

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