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#457973 - 01/04/14 12:24 PM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Jude]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1104
Loc: The ATL

Hi Lancer. Man, I really hate to hear you talk like this and hate to hear that you're so low right now. The sense of hopelessness and the finality you seem to see in it all is really palpable in these posts. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better but I know that there probably isn't. I do know for certain that you're not a worthless piece of shit but no amount of my telling you that is going to convince you otherwise. Not if you're anything like me anyway. People telling me I'm not a worthless POS has never convinced me otherwise, so why would I expect it to work on you? You're not a worthless POS though, for what it's worth.

I'm really sorry to hear about the cat situation, by the way. I am sort of going through the same thing at the moment. My brother recently moved out on me and took his cats with him, leaving me totally petless. It's really weird not having them around. The only time I don't miss them is when I'm trying to eat a meal and I don't have a big, fluffy cat trying to push past me and push her face into my plate. (I don't miss that, LOL!) Like you, I am not in a place where adopting a new pet makes sense. I'm not sure if my new roommate would be open to it and my life is to unstable anyway. If things with my new roomie don't go well, I may have to move somewhere else or move in with my parents and having a pet can be very limiting in that situation. I don't want to get into a situation where I adopt a cat, only to have to give it up down the road. Talk about feeling pathetic, I'm to unstable and financially insecure to even own a fucking cat.

Anyway, sorry to go off on a tangent and I wasn't trying to hijack the thread but the cat thing really relates right now. I hope you find some stability of your own soon and I think you can get through this rough patch. Just keep treading water until you see the shore. If you never see the shore again, oh well, it will have been a brave and valiant effort. We all know you are a strong person or you wouldn't be here right now. I promise I'll keep treading water if you do. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#457990 - 01/04/14 07:24 PM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Oh crap, guys, I feel so stupid and embarrassed. Short version, I was able to reclaim Charlie this evening.

Left a voicemail with the agency this morning and followed up at lunchtime. Turns out they'd already decided, unbeknownst to me, to give me 24 hours anyway. I dunno if someone there is familiar with the months of post-cardiac crazies...depression, short temper, etc. Doesn't matter, I suppose.

Charlie knew immediately he was "home" and has been re-exploring, including some time on my lap at the desk and exploring the desk again. My eyes have been wet the whole time just to have him back. I think, too, he's trying to make sure the "bully" isn't here. (Had retrieved most dishes and the like before I got him home, so he'd know he was indeed home).

One thing particularly struck me in a PM from a member who told me to reclaim the work I was meant to do. Really tore thru my heart.

@Ken, I'm so with you all the way on the whole issue, especially since it's so damned fresh. You've described exactly the feelings I've been experiencing, exactly the way my thinking has been going. I just fucking wish there was something tangible I could do for you to relieve the pain I know all too well.


I'll write more as I'm able, but wanted to get it in this thread quickly...and thank you for your support. One of my darker moments, probably not the last, and I still have work to do. But you got me thru this one.

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#457996 - 01/04/14 08:31 PM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1339
grin grin grin grin grin
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#457998 - 01/04/14 08:48 PM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1104
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: Lancer



YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!

Give Charlie some uber-snugglez for me! Charlie was the name of my first cat, btw. Peace,

Ken

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#458003 - 01/04/14 09:45 PM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3335
Loc: O Kanada
i am happy the cat came back.
my sweet stubby disappeared and never returned.

we knew he was getting old and weak , and i guess he decided to wander off.

it made me sad that he died alone somewhere.
but after a few days of hoping, i started mourning.
haven't had the courage to replace him yet.
we had stubby in our lives for 17 years.

glad Charlie is ok smile

hope you are ok too!
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#458005 - 01/04/14 09:53 PM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 162
Loc: Virginia
Hey Lancer,

Sorry to see things are so bleak-looking right now. Before you beat yourself up too badly, consider that you've got a LOT going on besides the csa issues! There's employment, medical bills, not wanting to be around various people, and bp, for starters. That's a hell of a lot of stuff to deal with. I'd feel pretty low too.

Whatever you feel about yourself, I can tell from the other guys' posts that you're a terrific person. That doesn't change; only your own perception of it does from time to time. It's sort of like the Golden Gate Bridge-- it doesn't just go away because it's fogged in that morning.

Take it easy and don't put any harsh expectations on yourself. Deal with all this one thing at a time, as best you can, and don't beat yourself up if you can't make it all go away overnight. I really think you're doing well, all things considered.

Bob
_________________________
Don't let "three steps forward and two steps back" bother you. Thirty steps forward and twenty back are still ten steps in the right direction.

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#458006 - 01/04/14 09:57 PM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Glad to see you're doing a little bit better. I can't imagine that I could give you any life advice you haven't heard already. I haven't really lived enough of life myself anyways.

I feel you on the feelings of hopelessness though. I feel like I'm chasing my tail sometimes too. Luckily, it seems that every time I stop chasing my tail, it's a longer period of time before I start again.

Buddhist psychology has been helpful - mindfulness has helped me a bit. It's not a cure all, but it's made things more manageable. I hope you can find some comfort in that as well.

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#458394 - 01/10/14 05:01 AM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Thx for the words guys. Got me thru that one. I guess what it may have come down to was that when I was feeling hopeless and rejected, my reaction was to start rejecting. And rejection is an unfortunate fact of life in my business. Make sense? I dunno.

I'm trying to pull it back together with clearer thot, particularly about what's better for me at home. And the feline thing is a major part of that. I'd like some feedback:

Thot I'd be brave and, while dropping off something else at the agency, went into the cat room because I had a couple candidates for Charlie companions. Bad move (maybe). Nero (the "bully") was there, keeping to himself and (ugh) meowed me a greeting which I had to ignore (not at all like me).

He's definitely a one-cat/one-human feline. He's more my "shadow" than Charlie, more eye contact, more talkative, more inclined to nest or spoon with me. And he was my first foster. Charlie's not at all that way. Nero's the one, when I've been depressed, just naturally took to the adjacent pillow, rested a big ol' paw on the back of my hand and fell asleep, service animal style, imo. I'm starting to think he might be a better choice for my personality.

However, I'm also thinking Charlie's potential perpetually head-butting companion (Evie) might already be that way. Charlie's recovered nicely for his personality, but I'm thinking he'd do well about anywhere with any cat...thus, more adoptable. As it was, a couple people were already vying for him anyway. And I wouldn't be inclined to have concerns for him in the cat room.

Nero's background is that he's a street stray brought in by a disabled woman - story is he arrived on her lap in a wheelchair - and is the kind who took on the job as official office greeter because he doesn't do well socially with other cats. Just occurred to me he's apparently a natural for those of us with disabilities.

It seems to come down to a potential kitty family or jus' me and Nero.

(I have to remember it was just Ricky and me for seven years and I'm perhaps looking for that same kind of one-on-one connection...not to mention Nero seemed to naturally take up the same "guard" position on the front walk about which a couple neighbors commented. He also has many of the physical, verbal and personality traits of several of my previous all rolled into one. Can't seem to ignore the mystical side of that one. I've just felt a closer natural connection).

Not doing anything about it right now. Haven't even discussed it with the agency. Just brought it up to a friend. Would appreciate any thots, especially fr the kitteh people on the board.

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#458421 - 01/10/14 02:37 PM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Probably should delete the above. Guess it was like journaling. Short version, it helped me sort things out. Returned Charlie and retrieved Nero this afternoon.

Aside from the personality, just seemed to me I had the feline companion answer waaaay back when we instantly connected during his weekend foster here. If an indication, Nero had snagged and brought in a lizard for me in the first hour back home.


Guess I'm a one-cat household because HE wishes it.

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#458465 - 01/11/14 12:34 PM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3388
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Lancer -

I was VERY concerned when you decided to become catless and solitary.

This sounds a LOT better.

Somehow I seem to read your relationship with your feline friends as a barometer of your emotional condition.

Take care of yourself, man!
lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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