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#457782 - 01/02/14 01:31 AM Not So Happy New Year
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
I'm simply not in a space where I can share the hopefulness and enthusiasm for the new year which I've seen posted so many places on MS. A part of me feels badly for being the party pooper. But that's exactly where I am. Nor can I share any sense of accomplishment except that I survived another year. For me, it's felt like treading water, often just keeping my head above water when another wave washes over. To carry the metaphor, I can't even see a shoreline. It feels as if 2014 will be more of the same and I'm damn tired. Just need to vent...again.

For perspective, my bestie reminded me again last weekend (from his own experience) that the bp meds may have that effect. And I'm maintaining something like 110/70. But, if I can't pay the medical bills, can't find let alone afford a competent T, struggle to find work, don't want to be around people who are only a reminder to me of my own shortcomings, then what's the point of putting effort into prolonging the agony? (e.g., why put myself through the struggle - damn, another one? - of quitting smoking if it's to prolong a life that's already pretty pointless anyway?). I wish sometimes I could drown it in booze, drugs, sex or food. Hell, I don't even have THAT ability.

Whatever so-called progress may have been made since joining MS, all I see is that it's brought up more problems and more crap about which I don't need/want the reminders.

Put another way, my life is just about surviving. Again, as my bestie pointed out, he's noticed there's no longer any joy in my life. And he's right. And I don't care. I don't miss it because I now feel it was a façade anyway.

The feeling is strange for me. I've given up being clever, making jokes, etc. Either people don't get it or they take it as an indication I'm a people-pleasing sucker. Ditching the "personality" works. I don't try to be "nice". otoh, rather than being stuck in bed as I'd usually expect with depression, things get done around the house as if on automatic. I don't think about 'em, I just do 'em.

I don't feel as if I've ever in my history been able to truly break free of the damage of – get this – 40-50 years ago. And I've worked on it for decades. These people – abusive parents and the perp – fucked me up for life. What happened to the teenager who was fascinated with photography, architecture, aviation, television production and the like? I've tried to reconnect and failed completely. And I'm now too damn old to do anything meaningful about it. The feeling is totally gone.

Some people overcome that. I'm not one of those people. Try as I may, I just haven't been able to do it...and now I'm too damn tired to fight it. I feel as if my lifetime is winding down and I've accomplished little, having not even mastered the basics.

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#457788 - 01/02/14 02:17 AM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 729
Loc: United States
Lancer,

How you feel is how you feel, and there is nothing anyone can say to change that.

One thing to consider is how you'd react if a friend of yours came to you and told you your life story as their own - that they had gone through the same situations you've endured. I think you'd be pretty impressed that they had managed to survive *at all*.

Bottom line: 40 to 50 years of "treading water" is grueling and heroic in itself. It's not for the weak and it's not nothing. You did that and you're still here.

Surviving *is* progress.

-efm
_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#457795 - 01/02/14 05:03 AM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Lancer,
Happy New year my friend!
It is true that there is no point in pretending to be something that we are not, I mean all our feelings including negative have own purpose and we shouldn't ignore it.

I don't know why but for me always some "artificial" celebrating occasions would hit me where I'd feel as not suitable and more like alien comparing to others.
You put that kind of feelings nicely here and those could be easily my words:
Originally Posted By: Lancer
A part of me feels badly for being the party pooper. But that's exactly where I am. Nor can I share any sense of accomplishment except that I survived another year. For me, it's felt like treading water, often just keeping my head above water when another wave washes over. To carry the metaphor, I can't even see a shoreline. It feels as if 2014 will be more of the same and I'm damn tired.

Yes, here is the same related to celebrating New Year, I don't get it and can't go into mood of check what I've achieved in last year, where I'm at the moment and what are my goals for the next one. I mean I'm not some corporation and my life is not business plan.
Actually I have problems into complete lack of planing tasks in personal area of my life, there is no such thing, lol. I can tell where I'm in specific moment but where that leads, am I satisfied with that path and what is general framework are issues way out of my sight. Living day by day is my way of I guess surviving emotional vortex that I've been living for so long and it reflects on all other aspects of my life: work/education, friendships, family matters and so on.

But I'll admit here something that I've been ashamed for so long and where your topic has brought me.
I never felt good about celebrating my birthday, I was seeing it always like ordinary day and moments where I should "celebrate" it were strange and awkward. I didn't felt good about it, I never new what would I celebrate about and now from this perspective I see it as pure projection of my negative self image as every other survivor has.
Sometimes I'd almost disappoint some my friends who would buy me present. I'd let my parents to push me to go working in our garden and place where we were building our home for years - things that I didn't like but on that day it was relief to be out of my home and reach of friends. I'd never forget my best friend who came there on 4th of May many years ago, she needed to make long walk from her place, she must be looking at my home and when she found that we all were absent she made turn and walk to other part of the city where we were working on our house. She came so happy and full of smiles bringing me and my brother birthday present. She painfully reminded me about my internal storm on going, everyday struggle and lack of any hope or shoreline as you put it.

I'll join to Mark, carrying such burden for 40-50 years and struggling on daily basis is heroic achievement.
Please fight further!

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#457802 - 01/02/14 09:21 AM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1790
Lancer

You have endured much. I understand trying to climb the mountain after being shoved into the darkest depths of the valley from the abuse is extremely difficult and exhausting. We slowly try to climb and then something pushes us back and we do this over and over. Slowly we move ahead and can see the peak, sometimes thinking it is not far away, other times we see it as being too far away for us ever reach. You are on your journey, and have hit one a plateau that is holding you still. It is alright to rest and regroup. Strength is not always present.

Keep your friends around and keep anyone who makes you feel low or torments you far away. You have traveled far for so long, I can only hope that after you take a break and the holidays can be hard on many, you are able to see joy in life.

We are here for you. Remember you have value and have given yourself to others--your bestie can attest, I bet.

Kevin

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#457803 - 01/02/14 09:42 AM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3519
Loc: somewhere in Africa
go ahead and vent, Lancer - you deserve that much - and a whole lot more. and we are a receptive and empathetic bunch of ears. i get the party pooper thing - right alongside you - though maybe for different reasons. i do miss your delightfully skewed humor though.

keep treading water. sooner or later another wave will come along to lift you up and carry you forward - is my hope.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#457826 - 01/02/14 03:12 PM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
gottymeguy Offline


Registered: 09/24/10
Posts: 35
I'm sorry your New Year wasn't very good. I had a bad non-related MS bad New Year's experience as well, that sent me in a tailspin...I'm sorry to hear anyone else having a bad time...

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#457831 - 01/02/14 03:32 PM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 336
Loc: Iowa, USA
Lancer,

I'm really sorry to hear that you're having a rough time. Keep in mind that you have one thing to be proud of, and that is you have the strength to have survived all the injustices you've faced. You have faced some pretty big challenges in your life, and you've made it through. It took courage, persistence, fortitude and numerous other traits to make it, and that is what you have. When you say your life is about surviving, that's a good thing. That's an accomplishment to be pretty damn proud of.

I don't mean to bring you down, but in some way, we never get over it, we only learn to manage it. Another MS member mentioned to me that we live with it just like other people live with other conditions like diabetes, or even high blood pressure. Perhaps a change in how we survivors view our past can help us face things today.

I understand being frustrated with how other people treat us, and view us, It's futile to try and live up to other's expectations for us. The best thing is to be the man that makes you happy. If you like being clever, cracking jokes, etc, then do it - it doesn't matter if other people get it. It can make your day better and change the way you look at the world.

You've done a lot of great things. The fact that you are here and writing about it is inspirational and is very helpful to other survivors. Good luck, Lancer. You've done a lot of things worth being proud of. I'm glad you're here and glad for the opportunity to read your posts.

Take care,
Dave

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#457902 - 01/03/14 11:19 AM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Got rid of the cats. Their "play" had turned into the bigger one attacking the smaller one. I'd intervened a couple times (scruff of the neck and the offender gets put out), but I was afraid I'd harm him the next time. Especially too bad for the smaller one. He's completely blameless and innocent. Makes me particularly sad. I'll admit I made flimsy justifications to myself and others to turn him in at the same time...and I know I'll regret it. I felt awful that neither of them understood what was going on this morning when they were packed off back to the adoption agency. But they need someone who can care for them as they should be cared for. I simply no longer feel I'm that person.

Divested myself of all the kitty stuff....carriers, toys, beds, food, litter, pillows, etc., and cleaned up any cat reminders around the house. I figure I just never got over losing 16½-year-old Ricky in mid-August. Like so many other things in my life that have ever meant anything to me, Ricky's now a good memory and a feeling I'll apparently never be permitted to have again.

I suppose the psychologists would say I'm punishing myself for no reason. Phine. It's a familiar lifelong feeling. If not someone else punishing me for something I didn't do or blowing me off for some unknown reason, the pattern lately, I see no reason I shouldn't do any differently. The other way made no difference, if it didn't make it worse. I'm a useless, unworthy piece of shit. Me? Enjoy companionship? Apparently I don't deserve it with people, so why even try with cats? "God" is a fucking sadist.

That probably closes the door on the agency, too. The psychologists would call it self-sabotage. But, screw it. I'm tired of caring about much of anything. Just means I'll eventually get hurt. And I can't take any more of it. No one in the real world gives enough of a damn to really, really help me.

And there you have fucking 30 years of 12-step "recovery". What ever possessed me to think it would make a difference other than prolonging the pain.

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#457905 - 01/03/14 12:52 PM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1438
Loc: California
Lancer,

Not to be curt or coy or anything but " I'm a useless, unworthy piece of shit. " ... that is the abuse talking right there.

NO, you're NOT a useless unworthy piece of shit. You are a human being, born with the capabilities of a genius species. YOU are a funny, insightful, thoughtful, caring, and loving human being. This is how I know you.

I'm really sorry to hear that you're so low. And you should know - I've been there many many times myself. You were there to support me and try to remind me of the brighter things in life while I wallowed in despair. You held the light for me when I could not find it.

We will hold the light for you.

You are worthy because you are human. The sad unfortunate truth of being human is - we're a genius species capable of doing profoundly stupid and harmful things to each other. We're a species only recently evolved out of the caves and dark ages. As brilliant as we are, we're still pretty stupid. The world needs people like you and me (survivors) to help the rest of humanity rise above from the madness of yesterday towards the hopes for tomorrow.

Your Brother,

D
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#457946 - 01/03/14 11:28 PM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Dear Lancer,

You will forever be worthy to me. All the times we've traded jokes, talked through crises, and even disagreed, mean a great deal to me. Please take care of yourself through this dark period.

Yeah, life is all about pain, failure, and loss. It seems thats the only deal we get offered. I have no solution but to live it, and look for those small moments of happiness when they come.

As Judy garland once sang: "Smile though your heart is aching, Smile even though its breaking.... You'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you'll just Smile."

_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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