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#457782 - 01/02/14 01:31 AM Not So Happy New Year
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
I'm simply not in a space where I can share the hopefulness and enthusiasm for the new year which I've seen posted so many places on MS. A part of me feels badly for being the party pooper. But that's exactly where I am. Nor can I share any sense of accomplishment except that I survived another year. For me, it's felt like treading water, often just keeping my head above water when another wave washes over. To carry the metaphor, I can't even see a shoreline. It feels as if 2014 will be more of the same and I'm damn tired. Just need to vent...again.

For perspective, my bestie reminded me again last weekend (from his own experience) that the bp meds may have that effect. And I'm maintaining something like 110/70. But, if I can't pay the medical bills, can't find let alone afford a competent T, struggle to find work, don't want to be around people who are only a reminder to me of my own shortcomings, then what's the point of putting effort into prolonging the agony? (e.g., why put myself through the struggle - damn, another one? - of quitting smoking if it's to prolong a life that's already pretty pointless anyway?). I wish sometimes I could drown it in booze, drugs, sex or food. Hell, I don't even have THAT ability.

Whatever so-called progress may have been made since joining MS, all I see is that it's brought up more problems and more crap about which I don't need/want the reminders.

Put another way, my life is just about surviving. Again, as my bestie pointed out, he's noticed there's no longer any joy in my life. And he's right. And I don't care. I don't miss it because I now feel it was a façade anyway.

The feeling is strange for me. I've given up being clever, making jokes, etc. Either people don't get it or they take it as an indication I'm a people-pleasing sucker. Ditching the "personality" works. I don't try to be "nice". otoh, rather than being stuck in bed as I'd usually expect with depression, things get done around the house as if on automatic. I don't think about 'em, I just do 'em.

I don't feel as if I've ever in my history been able to truly break free of the damage of – get this – 40-50 years ago. And I've worked on it for decades. These people – abusive parents and the perp – fucked me up for life. What happened to the teenager who was fascinated with photography, architecture, aviation, television production and the like? I've tried to reconnect and failed completely. And I'm now too damn old to do anything meaningful about it. The feeling is totally gone.

Some people overcome that. I'm not one of those people. Try as I may, I just haven't been able to do it...and now I'm too damn tired to fight it. I feel as if my lifetime is winding down and I've accomplished little, having not even mastered the basics.

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#457788 - 01/02/14 02:17 AM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 725
Loc: United States
Lancer,

How you feel is how you feel, and there is nothing anyone can say to change that.

One thing to consider is how you'd react if a friend of yours came to you and told you your life story as their own - that they had gone through the same situations you've endured. I think you'd be pretty impressed that they had managed to survive *at all*.

Bottom line: 40 to 50 years of "treading water" is grueling and heroic in itself. It's not for the weak and it's not nothing. You did that and you're still here.

Surviving *is* progress.

-efm
_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#457795 - 01/02/14 05:03 AM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3599
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Lancer,
Happy New year my friend!
It is true that there is no point in pretending to be something that we are not, I mean all our feelings including negative have own purpose and we shouldn't ignore it.

I don't know why but for me always some "artificial" celebrating occasions would hit me where I'd feel as not suitable and more like alien comparing to others.
You put that kind of feelings nicely here and those could be easily my words:
Originally Posted By: Lancer
A part of me feels badly for being the party pooper. But that's exactly where I am. Nor can I share any sense of accomplishment except that I survived another year. For me, it's felt like treading water, often just keeping my head above water when another wave washes over. To carry the metaphor, I can't even see a shoreline. It feels as if 2014 will be more of the same and I'm damn tired.

Yes, here is the same related to celebrating New Year, I don't get it and can't go into mood of check what I've achieved in last year, where I'm at the moment and what are my goals for the next one. I mean I'm not some corporation and my life is not business plan.
Actually I have problems into complete lack of planing tasks in personal area of my life, there is no such thing, lol. I can tell where I'm in specific moment but where that leads, am I satisfied with that path and what is general framework are issues way out of my sight. Living day by day is my way of I guess surviving emotional vortex that I've been living for so long and it reflects on all other aspects of my life: work/education, friendships, family matters and so on.

But I'll admit here something that I've been ashamed for so long and where your topic has brought me.
I never felt good about celebrating my birthday, I was seeing it always like ordinary day and moments where I should "celebrate" it were strange and awkward. I didn't felt good about it, I never new what would I celebrate about and now from this perspective I see it as pure projection of my negative self image as every other survivor has.
Sometimes I'd almost disappoint some my friends who would buy me present. I'd let my parents to push me to go working in our garden and place where we were building our home for years - things that I didn't like but on that day it was relief to be out of my home and reach of friends. I'd never forget my best friend who came there on 4th of May many years ago, she needed to make long walk from her place, she must be looking at my home and when she found that we all were absent she made turn and walk to other part of the city where we were working on our house. She came so happy and full of smiles bringing me and my brother birthday present. She painfully reminded me about my internal storm on going, everyday struggle and lack of any hope or shoreline as you put it.

I'll join to Mark, carrying such burden for 40-50 years and struggling on daily basis is heroic achievement.
Please fight further!

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#457802 - 01/02/14 09:21 AM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1540
Lancer

You have endured much. I understand trying to climb the mountain after being shoved into the darkest depths of the valley from the abuse is extremely difficult and exhausting. We slowly try to climb and then something pushes us back and we do this over and over. Slowly we move ahead and can see the peak, sometimes thinking it is not far away, other times we see it as being too far away for us ever reach. You are on your journey, and have hit one a plateau that is holding you still. It is alright to rest and regroup. Strength is not always present.

Keep your friends around and keep anyone who makes you feel low or torments you far away. You have traveled far for so long, I can only hope that after you take a break and the holidays can be hard on many, you are able to see joy in life.

We are here for you. Remember you have value and have given yourself to others--your bestie can attest, I bet.

Kevin

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#457803 - 01/02/14 09:42 AM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3296
Loc: back in the USA
go ahead and vent, Lancer - you deserve that much - and a whole lot more. and we are a receptive and empathetic bunch of ears. i get the party pooper thing - right alongside you - though maybe for different reasons. i do miss your delightfully skewed humor though.

keep treading water. sooner or later another wave will come along to lift you up and carry you forward - is my hope.

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#457826 - 01/02/14 03:12 PM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
gottymeguy Offline


Registered: 09/24/10
Posts: 35
I'm sorry your New Year wasn't very good. I had a bad non-related MS bad New Year's experience as well, that sent me in a tailspin...I'm sorry to hear anyone else having a bad time...

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#457831 - 01/02/14 03:32 PM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 313
Loc: Iowa, USA
Lancer,

I'm really sorry to hear that you're having a rough time. Keep in mind that you have one thing to be proud of, and that is you have the strength to have survived all the injustices you've faced. You have faced some pretty big challenges in your life, and you've made it through. It took courage, persistence, fortitude and numerous other traits to make it, and that is what you have. When you say your life is about surviving, that's a good thing. That's an accomplishment to be pretty damn proud of.

I don't mean to bring you down, but in some way, we never get over it, we only learn to manage it. Another MS member mentioned to me that we live with it just like other people live with other conditions like diabetes, or even high blood pressure. Perhaps a change in how we survivors view our past can help us face things today.

I understand being frustrated with how other people treat us, and view us, It's futile to try and live up to other's expectations for us. The best thing is to be the man that makes you happy. If you like being clever, cracking jokes, etc, then do it - it doesn't matter if other people get it. It can make your day better and change the way you look at the world.

You've done a lot of great things. The fact that you are here and writing about it is inspirational and is very helpful to other survivors. Good luck, Lancer. You've done a lot of things worth being proud of. I'm glad you're here and glad for the opportunity to read your posts.

Take care,
Dave

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#457902 - 01/03/14 11:19 AM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Got rid of the cats. Their "play" had turned into the bigger one attacking the smaller one. I'd intervened a couple times (scruff of the neck and the offender gets put out), but I was afraid I'd harm him the next time. Especially too bad for the smaller one. He's completely blameless and innocent. Makes me particularly sad. I'll admit I made flimsy justifications to myself and others to turn him in at the same time...and I know I'll regret it. I felt awful that neither of them understood what was going on this morning when they were packed off back to the adoption agency. But they need someone who can care for them as they should be cared for. I simply no longer feel I'm that person.

Divested myself of all the kitty stuff....carriers, toys, beds, food, litter, pillows, etc., and cleaned up any cat reminders around the house. I figure I just never got over losing 16½-year-old Ricky in mid-August. Like so many other things in my life that have ever meant anything to me, Ricky's now a good memory and a feeling I'll apparently never be permitted to have again.

I suppose the psychologists would say I'm punishing myself for no reason. Phine. It's a familiar lifelong feeling. If not someone else punishing me for something I didn't do or blowing me off for some unknown reason, the pattern lately, I see no reason I shouldn't do any differently. The other way made no difference, if it didn't make it worse. I'm a useless, unworthy piece of shit. Me? Enjoy companionship? Apparently I don't deserve it with people, so why even try with cats? "God" is a fucking sadist.

That probably closes the door on the agency, too. The psychologists would call it self-sabotage. But, screw it. I'm tired of caring about much of anything. Just means I'll eventually get hurt. And I can't take any more of it. No one in the real world gives enough of a damn to really, really help me.

And there you have fucking 30 years of 12-step "recovery". What ever possessed me to think it would make a difference other than prolonging the pain.

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#457905 - 01/03/14 12:52 PM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1388
Loc: California
Lancer,

Not to be curt or coy or anything but " I'm a useless, unworthy piece of shit. " ... that is the abuse talking right there.

NO, you're NOT a useless unworthy piece of shit. You are a human being, born with the capabilities of a genius species. YOU are a funny, insightful, thoughtful, caring, and loving human being. This is how I know you.

I'm really sorry to hear that you're so low. And you should know - I've been there many many times myself. You were there to support me and try to remind me of the brighter things in life while I wallowed in despair. You held the light for me when I could not find it.

We will hold the light for you.

You are worthy because you are human. The sad unfortunate truth of being human is - we're a genius species capable of doing profoundly stupid and harmful things to each other. We're a species only recently evolved out of the caves and dark ages. As brilliant as we are, we're still pretty stupid. The world needs people like you and me (survivors) to help the rest of humanity rise above from the madness of yesterday towards the hopes for tomorrow.

Your Brother,

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#457946 - 01/03/14 11:28 PM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1466
Loc: New England
Dear Lancer,

You will forever be worthy to me. All the times we've traded jokes, talked through crises, and even disagreed, mean a great deal to me. Please take care of yourself through this dark period.

Yeah, life is all about pain, failure, and loss. It seems thats the only deal we get offered. I have no solution but to live it, and look for those small moments of happiness when they come.

As Judy garland once sang: "Smile though your heart is aching, Smile even though its breaking.... You'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you'll just Smile."

_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#457973 - 01/04/14 12:24 PM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Jude]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1087
Loc: The ATL

Hi Lancer. Man, I really hate to hear you talk like this and hate to hear that you're so low right now. The sense of hopelessness and the finality you seem to see in it all is really palpable in these posts. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better but I know that there probably isn't. I do know for certain that you're not a worthless piece of shit but no amount of my telling you that is going to convince you otherwise. Not if you're anything like me anyway. People telling me I'm not a worthless POS has never convinced me otherwise, so why would I expect it to work on you? You're not a worthless POS though, for what it's worth.

I'm really sorry to hear about the cat situation, by the way. I am sort of going through the same thing at the moment. My brother recently moved out on me and took his cats with him, leaving me totally petless. It's really weird not having them around. The only time I don't miss them is when I'm trying to eat a meal and I don't have a big, fluffy cat trying to push past me and push her face into my plate. (I don't miss that, LOL!) Like you, I am not in a place where adopting a new pet makes sense. I'm not sure if my new roommate would be open to it and my life is to unstable anyway. If things with my new roomie don't go well, I may have to move somewhere else or move in with my parents and having a pet can be very limiting in that situation. I don't want to get into a situation where I adopt a cat, only to have to give it up down the road. Talk about feeling pathetic, I'm to unstable and financially insecure to even own a fucking cat.

Anyway, sorry to go off on a tangent and I wasn't trying to hijack the thread but the cat thing really relates right now. I hope you find some stability of your own soon and I think you can get through this rough patch. Just keep treading water until you see the shore. If you never see the shore again, oh well, it will have been a brave and valiant effort. We all know you are a strong person or you wouldn't be here right now. I promise I'll keep treading water if you do. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#457990 - 01/04/14 07:24 PM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Oh crap, guys, I feel so stupid and embarrassed. Short version, I was able to reclaim Charlie this evening.

Left a voicemail with the agency this morning and followed up at lunchtime. Turns out they'd already decided, unbeknownst to me, to give me 24 hours anyway. I dunno if someone there is familiar with the months of post-cardiac crazies...depression, short temper, etc. Doesn't matter, I suppose.

Charlie knew immediately he was "home" and has been re-exploring, including some time on my lap at the desk and exploring the desk again. My eyes have been wet the whole time just to have him back. I think, too, he's trying to make sure the "bully" isn't here. (Had retrieved most dishes and the like before I got him home, so he'd know he was indeed home).

One thing particularly struck me in a PM from a member who told me to reclaim the work I was meant to do. Really tore thru my heart.

@Ken, I'm so with you all the way on the whole issue, especially since it's so damned fresh. You've described exactly the feelings I've been experiencing, exactly the way my thinking has been going. I just fucking wish there was something tangible I could do for you to relieve the pain I know all too well.


I'll write more as I'm able, but wanted to get it in this thread quickly...and thank you for your support. One of my darker moments, probably not the last, and I still have work to do. But you got me thru this one.

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#457996 - 01/04/14 08:31 PM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1272
grin grin grin grin grin
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#457998 - 01/04/14 08:48 PM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1087
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: Lancer



YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!

Give Charlie some uber-snugglez for me! Charlie was the name of my first cat, btw. Peace,

Ken

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#458003 - 01/04/14 09:45 PM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3007
Loc: O Kanada
i am happy the cat came back.
my sweet stubby disappeared and never returned.

we knew he was getting old and weak , and i guess he decided to wander off.

it made me sad that he died alone somewhere.
but after a few days of hoping, i started mourning.
haven't had the courage to replace him yet.
we had stubby in our lives for 17 years.

glad Charlie is ok smile

hope you are ok too!
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#458005 - 01/04/14 09:53 PM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 145
Loc: Virginia
Hey Lancer,

Sorry to see things are so bleak-looking right now. Before you beat yourself up too badly, consider that you've got a LOT going on besides the csa issues! There's employment, medical bills, not wanting to be around various people, and bp, for starters. That's a hell of a lot of stuff to deal with. I'd feel pretty low too.

Whatever you feel about yourself, I can tell from the other guys' posts that you're a terrific person. That doesn't change; only your own perception of it does from time to time. It's sort of like the Golden Gate Bridge-- it doesn't just go away because it's fogged in that morning.

Take it easy and don't put any harsh expectations on yourself. Deal with all this one thing at a time, as best you can, and don't beat yourself up if you can't make it all go away overnight. I really think you're doing well, all things considered.

Bob

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#458006 - 01/04/14 09:57 PM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Glad to see you're doing a little bit better. I can't imagine that I could give you any life advice you haven't heard already. I haven't really lived enough of life myself anyways.

I feel you on the feelings of hopelessness though. I feel like I'm chasing my tail sometimes too. Luckily, it seems that every time I stop chasing my tail, it's a longer period of time before I start again.

Buddhist psychology has been helpful - mindfulness has helped me a bit. It's not a cure all, but it's made things more manageable. I hope you can find some comfort in that as well.

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#458394 - 01/10/14 05:01 AM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Thx for the words guys. Got me thru that one. I guess what it may have come down to was that when I was feeling hopeless and rejected, my reaction was to start rejecting. And rejection is an unfortunate fact of life in my business. Make sense? I dunno.

I'm trying to pull it back together with clearer thot, particularly about what's better for me at home. And the feline thing is a major part of that. I'd like some feedback:

Thot I'd be brave and, while dropping off something else at the agency, went into the cat room because I had a couple candidates for Charlie companions. Bad move (maybe). Nero (the "bully") was there, keeping to himself and (ugh) meowed me a greeting which I had to ignore (not at all like me).

He's definitely a one-cat/one-human feline. He's more my "shadow" than Charlie, more eye contact, more talkative, more inclined to nest or spoon with me. And he was my first foster. Charlie's not at all that way. Nero's the one, when I've been depressed, just naturally took to the adjacent pillow, rested a big ol' paw on the back of my hand and fell asleep, service animal style, imo. I'm starting to think he might be a better choice for my personality.

However, I'm also thinking Charlie's potential perpetually head-butting companion (Evie) might already be that way. Charlie's recovered nicely for his personality, but I'm thinking he'd do well about anywhere with any cat...thus, more adoptable. As it was, a couple people were already vying for him anyway. And I wouldn't be inclined to have concerns for him in the cat room.

Nero's background is that he's a street stray brought in by a disabled woman - story is he arrived on her lap in a wheelchair - and is the kind who took on the job as official office greeter because he doesn't do well socially with other cats. Just occurred to me he's apparently a natural for those of us with disabilities.

It seems to come down to a potential kitty family or jus' me and Nero.

(I have to remember it was just Ricky and me for seven years and I'm perhaps looking for that same kind of one-on-one connection...not to mention Nero seemed to naturally take up the same "guard" position on the front walk about which a couple neighbors commented. He also has many of the physical, verbal and personality traits of several of my previous all rolled into one. Can't seem to ignore the mystical side of that one. I've just felt a closer natural connection).

Not doing anything about it right now. Haven't even discussed it with the agency. Just brought it up to a friend. Would appreciate any thots, especially fr the kitteh people on the board.

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#458421 - 01/10/14 02:37 PM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Probably should delete the above. Guess it was like journaling. Short version, it helped me sort things out. Returned Charlie and retrieved Nero this afternoon.

Aside from the personality, just seemed to me I had the feline companion answer waaaay back when we instantly connected during his weekend foster here. If an indication, Nero had snagged and brought in a lizard for me in the first hour back home.


Guess I'm a one-cat household because HE wishes it.

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#458465 - 01/11/14 12:34 PM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3296
Loc: back in the USA
Lancer -

I was VERY concerned when you decided to become catless and solitary.

This sounds a LOT better.

Somehow I seem to read your relationship with your feline friends as a barometer of your emotional condition.

Take care of yourself, man!
lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#458515 - 01/12/14 03:09 PM Re: Not So Happy New Year [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
You just stated the obvious Lee, except no one, including me, has ever stated it...and that's about 27 years of my life.

I have an unusual spiritual connection with cats. Nero's just the latest. As I just PM'd someone, Nero had this settled fr when I fostered him for a weekend in mid-Sep. He settled in on my bed, fell asleep either against my face or spooning (I just woke up and there he'd be). When I've been down he's more than once planted himself on the adjacent pillow and rested a large paw on my hand or arm and snoozed off.

Put another way, it was already settled four months ago even as I was unsettled.

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