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#457551 - 12/28/13 07:06 PM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
expectinfeb14 Offline


Registered: 12/27/13
Posts: 15
he has never received support for this, his own family hasn't been there for him, i don't even know if they know and just don't acknowledge this happened. the whole thing makes me angry and it makes me even more angry that my husband is defending this man. i know abusers often blame themselves thinking it can't happen to anyone else but he doesn't see that his father is the problem. I am currently in search of a therapist specializing in this and my husband has agreed to see someone as long as they are specialists in child abuse. he has also started to come around regarding the supervised visits. i really wish i could never let this man around my child, but i realize this is a decision we have to make as a couple and i guess we are taking baby steps right now. he wants to let them stay at our house when they visit and i have the baby. he says it will be fine because we can lock our door at night and i can watch the baby all the time, but i asked him what do we do when baby gets older? they will ask , why can't we stay at your house? its just pushing the inevitable. he simply can't face this. i really wish i knew how to help him but maybe therapy is what is key here.

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#457558 - 12/28/13 10:11 PM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3509
Loc: somewhere in Africa
it is probly too overwhelming for him to make decisions for a long term master plan at this stage. take small steps - one at a time. i did not even remember how badly the step-dad treated me until decades after the memories started to return. chances are that he still has much of it repressed or has minimized it in his own mind in order to survive because the whole truth is too painful. and it most likely has not dawned upon him how deeply this has affected him for his entire life.

by all means - pursue the most qualified therapist you can find.

take it slowly. be firm but gentle. let him have some say in decisions - total loss of control is likely to be very scary to him. let him know you are on his side and still love and respect him. that is likely to help more than anything else you can say or do. fear of abandonment is usually a big issue for us survivors.

Lee


Edited by traveler (12/28/13 10:12 PM)
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#457561 - 12/28/13 11:09 PM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
expectinfeb14 Offline


Registered: 12/27/13
Posts: 15
I can only imagine how he must be feeling but he needs to decide how we are going to approach contact between our son and his father. My son will be born in two months and we need to decide how to approach this. In regards to his issues personally regardin working through the abuse, baby steps are key and he can take all the time he wants. Although these two things can seem intertwined, its inevitable that the aspect involving us as a family needs to be addressed by the time my baby gets here.

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#457568 - 12/29/13 07:34 AM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 151
Loc: Chicago
"It's about our child too." That statement says it all. In my opinion, you are 100 percent correct with your options. You are giving your husbsnd several options to come to terms with this. My thoughts and prayers to you snd your family.

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#457574 - 12/29/13 10:11 AM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
expectinfeb14, I am glad to see the supporting replies for you in protecting your child. Thank you for preparing to keep your child safe and for supporting your husband in healing should he take that path. There is much wisdom in the above replies, I would add, get support for yourself to be able to persevere in this struggle. There are groups like CODA CoDependents Anonymous that can help you to create safe and healthy boundaries for yourself and your child and inform you of boundary breaking, unsafe behavior that could put you or your child at risk. Please consider finding a group near you and finding a therapist for yourself that will help you learn these valuable lessons.

Thank you for supporting a fellow survivor as well as protecting your child, this is a large undertaking, your efforts will be rewarded.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#457607 - 12/29/13 08:20 PM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
Lee is so spot on in the allowing him to make some of the decisions so he doesn't feel like he has no control.

BUT THAT BEING SAID, I WOULD ABSOLUTELY NEVER ALLOW THAT MAN NEAR MY CHILDREN.

When you find a therapist (maybe you could find one through this site) make sure they know what the heck they are talking about. There are many therapists who claim to specialize in CSA and such who don't know shit. I know first hand. They can do more harm than good.

I have found myself in a similar situation. My daughter has a friend whose father I found out is a registered sex offender by a fluke. Thankfully they don't go to the same school or it would be an issue all the time. Last month she wanted to go over to their house and play. I felt my heart fall to my stomach. I made up some excuse as to why it was a no (and it was lame) and she freaked on me. I mean freaked. She was so upset cause she loves this little girl. I love this little girl and I feel bad for the little girl but UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE wll I ever let her near him.

Be strong. In my opinion, you are best to keep them far away. I like the lock on the door but you are right in that letting them stay at your house sets up expectations that they always can stay with you.

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#457614 - 12/30/13 12:33 AM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
expectinfeb14 Offline


Registered: 12/27/13
Posts: 15
I wish it were as easy as saying i can tell my husband we dont want our children to ever meet his father. My husband wants them to have a relationship. If i divirce my husband i cant stop him from taking my son to his grandfathers at least if i am here i can supervise and lock my baby in my room at night . Unfortunately my husband now says we dont need therapy because we agree that the child needs to be protected. He actually didnt want to call his father a child molester today. I feel like i am losing this battle and theres not much i can do. I cant force my husband into therapy and all i can do is watch my child like a hawk. Thankfully they live far away and we may only have to see them for a week at a time every couple of years

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#457638 - 12/30/13 05:14 PM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 151
Loc: Chicago
My mother told me of a story when she and the family visited Greece. I wasn't born yet. My one sibling was very ill. My father's family called the doctor to examine my brother. However, my mother found out that the doctor "killed" my aunt when she was delivering her baby. He pulled out the baby too fast from my aunt, and the poor woman bled to death.

Therefore my mother was very adamant that the family get another doctor, but my the family insisted on this doctor for whatever reason. So my mother relented. The doctor examined my brother and gave a prescription. She secretly threw out the the prescription and already brought with her some meds from the States. My brother then recovered.

The point is: this was a very bad situation that could have threatened a child. No one of the family was by mother's side. So even though she relented, she still held her ground by making sure my brother was safe.

This is a similar situation with your case. I feel for you and your baby so much. I'm sorry your husband has issues with his abuse. But to be honest, I would really hate to see your son on this site because his sick grandfather did something to him.

I am very grateful for this site, but I would trade almost anything to not qualify for being here. Like you said, watch your child like a hawk when the grandparents are around.

Again, I wish you the very best . . . Nick

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#457654 - 12/30/13 10:49 PM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 726
Loc: NJ
When you wrote that he says he wished he never told you, I had a physical response. All supporters get that for a period of time. As if not telling you would have been better. It would not and do not allow him to make you feel badly.

Here's the deal, he told you and you stood by him. Hung out with his abuser. You left that relationship to him. He got to decide. Now there is a baby - a child. And you get to decide and your husband is NOT, I repeat, NOT thinking clearly. He is not ready to deal so he likes denial. Denial is NOT SAFE. Denial is dangerous and destructive.

Alanon is great. Your husband getting a therapist is really important. I know what it feels like to be blamed for things that I had no part in. Stay your course without anger and you will be fine. He will come to respect you for it.

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#457808 - 01/02/14 12:06 PM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
expectinfeb14 Offline


Registered: 12/27/13
Posts: 15
its so hard to talk to him about it because we don't get anywhere and he shows no interest in even delving into the subject. at this point, its beyond the fact that its painful, he has zero interest in helping himself, but unfortunately if he doesn't help himself, he can't help his child. i trust he wouldn't become an abuser himself, but Id also not like to risk it with him. the more in denial he is the less i trust him. but i don't know how to tell him that without hurting his feelings. i am planning on writing him a long letter and just leaving it on his computer to read whenever he feels like it. i will include research I've done, the names of SA therapists, and a link to this website. i don't know what else to do at this point. i guess its just a waiting game.

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