I don't usually post on this forum, but I'm going to take the plunge anyway.
From the sounds of it, things have taken off on a bad start for sure.
I'm offering perspective from the viewpoint of a son here, so needless to say, a lot of things I'm going to write will probably be biased. I'm hoping though that it may give you insight into what your son may be thinking, and what he really needs from you.
First and foremost, please listen
to him. At this point, I'm sorry to say this, but he probably really doesn't care about what you have to say. In fact, he probably knows what you're going to say, and he's probably heard what you have to say many times already. I ask you to just listen
instead. Listen. Listen. Listen. Don't defend yourself, don't offer your point of view. That's all he actually wants, he wants you to listen
Also, I can't help but point out a few contradictions you've made in your original post:
- "memories that could not have happened" and "the timeline that he describes as the abuse happening simply couldn't have happened" vs. "I'm the father of a 30 year old son who was sexually abused as a child by a neighbor"
- "we've apologized for everything we can think of" vs. "we were supposed to take the opportunity to ask him to forgive us for being negligent, for letting him be abused, acknowledge that I have a problem with porn as well as my father and my brothers"
Judging by your son's assessment of his childhood, probably this one too:
- "we are not in denial" vs. "we were a very nurturing family"
Can we only help him by telling him we're responsible for memories that could not have happened? Is that part of the healing process...is this some form of validation?
Rhetorical questions like this won't help him for sure.
If he says something you disagree with, I ask you to put on the breaks on your impulses to contradict him, and instead, ask him further to elaborate/clarify. I imagine he has a lot more to say but is not saying it, because you get too defensive too quickly, and it squanders any chance of discussion. My guess is, you've tried so hard - indeed, your best - to become the perfect parent to him that you actually missed out on his existence. Your son's an adult now, and he doesn't need to cling onto any perfect, idealized image. I hope you realize the simple cliche that nobody is indeed perfect, and nobody needs to be perfect; you can be less than perfect and your son will love you as long as you acknowledge this.