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#457484 - 12/27/13 03:29 PM Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor
expectinfeb14 Offline


Registered: 12/27/13
Posts: 14
Hello everyone: I am a wife of a male survivor of child molestation by his father. He abused my husband for 6 years through inappropriate touching of the genitals and did either the same or worse to his older brother. His family has not addressed that this happened and has repressed it. I have no idea who knows. AllI know is that my husband opened up to me about it when we were dating and we cried together and I was very upset at what his father did.

I have for the sake of my husband had a normal relationship with my in laws since we've met, but we are now expecting our first child and i can't pretend like I am okay with him having a normal relationship with his grandchild. they live cross country thank god so we won't see them much, but I recently brought up the issue twice with my husband and he is not concerned his father would ever molest again and thinks I'm overreacting when I say I don't want to leave him alone with my child. I also don't want to leave him alone with my mother in law if my father in law could be anywhere near by since I don't trust her either since the abuse happened in her home. my husband has never received therapy for it. i am concerned since he thinks the abuse could never happen again and all he says to me is that he won't let anything bad happen to our child but tells me nothing of the steps he is willing to take to assure this will not happen.

I know he is in somewhat of a denial about it but is coping much better than his brother who is not really functional in society and on several medications. both of them have had serious issues in regards to relationships with women. my husband didn't have sex with a woman until he met me and he was already 25 yrs old. he used to jump back at times when id touch him anywhere near his genitals. thankfully he is better with this. he hasn't had fear or nightmares in more than a year, but he told me about all of his feelings. I am at a loss because he is upset at me now for not wanting our child to have a normal relationship with his grandfather. I don't know what to do and have no one to turn to for advice. Thank you in advance.


Edited by expectinfeb14 (12/27/13 03:31 PM)

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#457486 - 12/27/13 03:38 PM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
Brokenwife Offline


Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 25
Let him be upset with you. You are absolutely right in not allowing your child to be around those people alone. Do not back down. There is no need to leave your child unsupervised with them. If you are comfortable visiting them, just make sure you are always there, too. You owe them nothing. They can have a "normal" relationship with you there, too.

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#457489 - 12/27/13 04:52 PM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
Hi - sorry you have to be here and congratulations on your baby!

I am sorry if anything I say next comes off wrong - I just find that I have a very low tolerance for babies being exposed to these people... totally my own trauma and experiences... so take it for what it is worth....

One of my closest friends had this problem. When she was pregnant, her father in law went to prison for what was pled down to children pornography and endangerment. Her now ex-husband was adamant that their child would have a relationship with his father. ADAMANT. She felt terrible but she did not want to take the risk.

Her therapist at the time recommended taking a very clear, strong and consistent position - boundaries fully in place so that they could never be questioned. The child was not to ever spend time with the grandfather. That was her final decision and it made it easy for her husband in that there were no shades of gray - the answer was just NO. Her child is now 7 and has never met her grandfather and she has been instructed to tell her mother should it ever happen. It's a crappy thing but the reality is that this man is NOT safe - just as your father in law is NOT SAFE. A man who would molest his own child is a level of sickness that exceeds what anyone would be expected to tolerate.

And I assume this is your first child so I will offer something I learned quickly after my first child was born. People we let be around US are automatically assumed to be safe people by our children. AKA, if you have dinner with someone and your child sees them on the street, they assume they are safe because you invited them into your home for dinner. They don't make the distinction as readily as adults can. You let them in, your child will let them in. It's that easy.

As far as looking to your husband for guidance on this, my opinion is that you simply cannot. He is not in recovery, he has not worked through his issues of shame (thus why you see the denial) and he has not fully come to understand his own father. Therefore all bets are off when it comes to deciding about the relationship your child will have with his father. That voice you hear is your intuition girl - listen to it.

Let me go a step further. Freud and many others wrote frequently about repetition compulsion. This idea that we repeat familial history unconsciously in order to maintain the connection with our ancestors and our family. To be one - to be the same. It is an unconscious action. In order to stop this, we need to act consciously. Your husband is not conscious on this topic. You are. Would you let your child be around a child molester who lived up the street?? Just because this person is "family" doesn't mean they get a privilege - look what he did with the privilege that your husband afforded him? I would assume that without a doubt, your husband has often said the same line to himself..."but he's my dad."

Again, sorry if I come off harsh. You are in a difficult position that is very unfortunate. I am sure your husband wishes he had a dad just like he wishes your child had a grandfather. Unfortunately, that person hurts children and it just is what it is.

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#457496 - 12/27/13 06:05 PM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
expectinfeb14 Offline


Registered: 12/27/13
Posts: 14
It isnt harsh at all. It is very sound and straight forward advice which i fully appreciate. I see now that my husband needs a lot of help still and will never be able to approach this issue in our relationship and his father unless he helps himself first.

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#457519 - 12/28/13 12:36 AM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3356
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Dear expectinfeb14,

I was repeatedly abused by a step -dad from age 6 to 13.
I did not EVER let him be alone with my children.
It was a relief when he died when our oldest was nearly 5 and before our 3rd was born.
You are doing the right thing.
Your husband is in denial and needs to have more help than you can give.
But thank you for standing by him. It is likely that things will be more difficult for him before it gets better.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#457532 - 12/28/13 09:39 AM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
George Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 120
Loc: NY metro
Ditto- everything already said.

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#457533 - 12/28/13 10:43 AM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 150
Loc: Chicago
Your concerns are 100% VALID. As a mother, you have a heads up from other mothers who are not familiar with childhood abuse. So use that to your advantage. Your child will not be abused by anyone, especially your father-in-law . . . PERIOD!

I don't have a child, but I am very protective of my nephews. If no one understands that, let it be on them. Good luck and God bless! -Nick

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#457535 - 12/28/13 11:56 AM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
une.vie.d.espoir Offline


Registered: 12/06/10
Posts: 106
Loc: Quebec-Canada
yes he needs to help imself but dont know how,

Jean-Pierre

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#457536 - 12/28/13 12:17 PM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
expectinfeb14 Offline


Registered: 12/27/13
Posts: 14
Hello everyone, thank you for your responses. I finally spoke to him but his reaction was to get angry with me. he said i was being unreasonable, that his father would never abuse our child, that his father made many sacrifices for him and deserves to have a normal relationship with his grandchild. furthermore he was angry when i told him i also didn't trust his mother in whose home this abuse went on without her knowing. my husband continues to say nothing bad will ever happen to either of us but he doesn't assure me how he will prevent this. He said i was being unreasonable and not taking his emotions into consideration. I told him I was being very generous in even allowing short supervised visits. He said he regretted sometimes having even told me about his abuse. I feel so broken hearted because i suggested therapy or us or him talking to someone and he said no he wasn't going to waste money on that. i finally threw out the word divorce at him as a preview of what will happen if he isn't willing to at least outline a plan for us. Maybe i shouldn't have but he needed to see how serious this is. This breaks my heart because i love him more than life itself but now its not about us as a couple anymore, its about our child too. he said we can revisit the topic in a couple days. I am researching therapists and hopefully he will be willing to see someone specializing in child abuse.


Edited by expectinfeb14 (12/28/13 12:17 PM)

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#457537 - 12/28/13 01:17 PM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
consider he is holding the " secret", and that this will bring it out. He's willing to do whatever to keep it from coming out and facing it. Lots of guilt involved in incest. The abuser was also the provider, the conflict is insane.

I'm not saying either way what to do just possibly why he's so adamant with his thoughts. I always advocate for the protection of children but I would certainly consult a professional about visits and boundaries. Boundaries are the key.
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#457551 - 12/28/13 07:06 PM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
expectinfeb14 Offline


Registered: 12/27/13
Posts: 14
he has never received support for this, his own family hasn't been there for him, i don't even know if they know and just don't acknowledge this happened. the whole thing makes me angry and it makes me even more angry that my husband is defending this man. i know abusers often blame themselves thinking it can't happen to anyone else but he doesn't see that his father is the problem. I am currently in search of a therapist specializing in this and my husband has agreed to see someone as long as they are specialists in child abuse. he has also started to come around regarding the supervised visits. i really wish i could never let this man around my child, but i realize this is a decision we have to make as a couple and i guess we are taking baby steps right now. he wants to let them stay at our house when they visit and i have the baby. he says it will be fine because we can lock our door at night and i can watch the baby all the time, but i asked him what do we do when baby gets older? they will ask , why can't we stay at your house? its just pushing the inevitable. he simply can't face this. i really wish i knew how to help him but maybe therapy is what is key here.

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#457558 - 12/28/13 10:11 PM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3356
Loc: somewhere in Africa
it is probly too overwhelming for him to make decisions for a long term master plan at this stage. take small steps - one at a time. i did not even remember how badly the step-dad treated me until decades after the memories started to return. chances are that he still has much of it repressed or has minimized it in his own mind in order to survive because the whole truth is too painful. and it most likely has not dawned upon him how deeply this has affected him for his entire life.

by all means - pursue the most qualified therapist you can find.

take it slowly. be firm but gentle. let him have some say in decisions - total loss of control is likely to be very scary to him. let him know you are on his side and still love and respect him. that is likely to help more than anything else you can say or do. fear of abandonment is usually a big issue for us survivors.

Lee


Edited by traveler (12/28/13 10:12 PM)
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#457561 - 12/28/13 11:09 PM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
expectinfeb14 Offline


Registered: 12/27/13
Posts: 14
I can only imagine how he must be feeling but he needs to decide how we are going to approach contact between our son and his father. My son will be born in two months and we need to decide how to approach this. In regards to his issues personally regardin working through the abuse, baby steps are key and he can take all the time he wants. Although these two things can seem intertwined, its inevitable that the aspect involving us as a family needs to be addressed by the time my baby gets here.

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#457568 - 12/29/13 07:34 AM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 150
Loc: Chicago
"It's about our child too." That statement says it all. In my opinion, you are 100 percent correct with your options. You are giving your husbsnd several options to come to terms with this. My thoughts and prayers to you snd your family.

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#457574 - 12/29/13 10:11 AM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
expectinfeb14, I am glad to see the supporting replies for you in protecting your child. Thank you for preparing to keep your child safe and for supporting your husband in healing should he take that path. There is much wisdom in the above replies, I would add, get support for yourself to be able to persevere in this struggle. There are groups like CODA CoDependents Anonymous that can help you to create safe and healthy boundaries for yourself and your child and inform you of boundary breaking, unsafe behavior that could put you or your child at risk. Please consider finding a group near you and finding a therapist for yourself that will help you learn these valuable lessons.

Thank you for supporting a fellow survivor as well as protecting your child, this is a large undertaking, your efforts will be rewarded.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#457607 - 12/29/13 08:20 PM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 358
Lee is so spot on in the allowing him to make some of the decisions so he doesn't feel like he has no control.

BUT THAT BEING SAID, I WOULD ABSOLUTELY NEVER ALLOW THAT MAN NEAR MY CHILDREN.

When you find a therapist (maybe you could find one through this site) make sure they know what the heck they are talking about. There are many therapists who claim to specialize in CSA and such who don't know shit. I know first hand. They can do more harm than good.

I have found myself in a similar situation. My daughter has a friend whose father I found out is a registered sex offender by a fluke. Thankfully they don't go to the same school or it would be an issue all the time. Last month she wanted to go over to their house and play. I felt my heart fall to my stomach. I made up some excuse as to why it was a no (and it was lame) and she freaked on me. I mean freaked. She was so upset cause she loves this little girl. I love this little girl and I feel bad for the little girl but UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE wll I ever let her near him.

Be strong. In my opinion, you are best to keep them far away. I like the lock on the door but you are right in that letting them stay at your house sets up expectations that they always can stay with you.

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#457614 - 12/30/13 12:33 AM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
expectinfeb14 Offline


Registered: 12/27/13
Posts: 14
I wish it were as easy as saying i can tell my husband we dont want our children to ever meet his father. My husband wants them to have a relationship. If i divirce my husband i cant stop him from taking my son to his grandfathers at least if i am here i can supervise and lock my baby in my room at night . Unfortunately my husband now says we dont need therapy because we agree that the child needs to be protected. He actually didnt want to call his father a child molester today. I feel like i am losing this battle and theres not much i can do. I cant force my husband into therapy and all i can do is watch my child like a hawk. Thankfully they live far away and we may only have to see them for a week at a time every couple of years

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#457638 - 12/30/13 05:14 PM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 150
Loc: Chicago
My mother told me of a story when she and the family visited Greece. I wasn't born yet. My one sibling was very ill. My father's family called the doctor to examine my brother. However, my mother found out that the doctor "killed" my aunt when she was delivering her baby. He pulled out the baby too fast from my aunt, and the poor woman bled to death.

Therefore my mother was very adamant that the family get another doctor, but my the family insisted on this doctor for whatever reason. So my mother relented. The doctor examined my brother and gave a prescription. She secretly threw out the the prescription and already brought with her some meds from the States. My brother then recovered.

The point is: this was a very bad situation that could have threatened a child. No one of the family was by mother's side. So even though she relented, she still held her ground by making sure my brother was safe.

This is a similar situation with your case. I feel for you and your baby so much. I'm sorry your husband has issues with his abuse. But to be honest, I would really hate to see your son on this site because his sick grandfather did something to him.

I am very grateful for this site, but I would trade almost anything to not qualify for being here. Like you said, watch your child like a hawk when the grandparents are around.

Again, I wish you the very best . . . Nick

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#457654 - 12/30/13 10:49 PM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
When you wrote that he says he wished he never told you, I had a physical response. All supporters get that for a period of time. As if not telling you would have been better. It would not and do not allow him to make you feel badly.

Here's the deal, he told you and you stood by him. Hung out with his abuser. You left that relationship to him. He got to decide. Now there is a baby - a child. And you get to decide and your husband is NOT, I repeat, NOT thinking clearly. He is not ready to deal so he likes denial. Denial is NOT SAFE. Denial is dangerous and destructive.

Alanon is great. Your husband getting a therapist is really important. I know what it feels like to be blamed for things that I had no part in. Stay your course without anger and you will be fine. He will come to respect you for it.

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#457808 - 01/02/14 12:06 PM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
expectinfeb14 Offline


Registered: 12/27/13
Posts: 14
its so hard to talk to him about it because we don't get anywhere and he shows no interest in even delving into the subject. at this point, its beyond the fact that its painful, he has zero interest in helping himself, but unfortunately if he doesn't help himself, he can't help his child. i trust he wouldn't become an abuser himself, but Id also not like to risk it with him. the more in denial he is the less i trust him. but i don't know how to tell him that without hurting his feelings. i am planning on writing him a long letter and just leaving it on his computer to read whenever he feels like it. i will include research I've done, the names of SA therapists, and a link to this website. i don't know what else to do at this point. i guess its just a waiting game.

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#457832 - 01/02/14 03:42 PM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
gottymeguy Offline


Registered: 09/24/10
Posts: 35
Sorry to hear about the situation, but I am happy that he has you in his life...I'm sure it means more to him than you will ever know. Love and peace to you both, and congratulations on your future baby.

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#458121 - 01/06/14 06:50 PM Re: Expectant Wife of a Male Survivor [Re: expectinfeb14]
expectinfeb14 Offline


Registered: 12/27/13
Posts: 14
thank you smile

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