Since I went into the USAF I've never had any friends only acquaintances. You happen to be one of the first people I was able to call a true friend. Yes, you are always in my thoughts especially when I see your posts. It's just that I have this craziness that if someone doesn't talk to me for a while I think that he doesn't want to speak to me so unfortunately I get scared to open my mouth. But then I've been paranoid since I guess ever since I was 14 with the movies. I can't ask directions from a cop or go on a bus or subway. I hope one day I will be able to. You have helped me tremendously and especially with all the people here at MS it really feels warm here.
There was nothing nice or wonderful about that kid, all I see is a kid without a childhood and only things that a normal human being would do. You do know about the movies when I was 14-15 and there was a part of that that wasn't normal or nice. And it's been that kid who I've been trying to bury but he doesn't go away, he just haunts now every day. The only way I've gotten him out of my life is through drugs and booze, and I'm ashamed to say that even. But I do feel he should have died back then. Yes I have helped to bring 6 wonderful kids into this world but now that part of my life is over and I'm right back to that fucken little hustler and killer of souls. Whether it's my fault or not I have to live with what I have done or done to me.
You see I don't think I'm angry at anyone aside for that little fuck, I'm scared and paranoid at people doing shit to me. I can't walk behind people on a city street and I get nervous if someone is walking behind me. It's an awful way to live. I stay in my little dungeon here in my house when I'm not working, when the kids come over with their kids I go to my dungeon. I know I should get out but I'm scared. Of what? I guess the world.
I don't even understand the forgiveness paradigm, who am I to forgive? The people who hurt me or played with my head so I fucked away my whole life hiding my very existence before getting out of the USAF. Even Dr.G said that I took that to the extreme. And why should I forgive you, for what? you didn't do anything to me you were just an extremely nice guy who I owe a pizza and a tour around the village, not that you need it.
Thanks for the wishes, love ya
Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place You Visit
It will get better....