IM NOT GAY!
I dont like men.
NOt sex.
And i have no guys , to talk to. Not yet!

And i feel so alone w/ this.
I was going to go gay bowling thursday..
and i have only one female friend and she is convinced i am
gay.
And my one male friend ( who we almost never hang-out)
thinks i am gay.
I am sick of this.
And my dad a loser.
I dont care.
He is fucking insane.
I am so lost.
And i wish i could see my T right now.
I can use a hug.
My New Year's plans.. I dont know what to do.
Maybe i can go to an AA social.
I dont know who to talk to.
And it's Christmas..and i really dont want to hang-out
w/ my folks.
I have schizophrenia b/c of my dad, his monster members
and it is hard to care.
Has anyone out there,,
I dont want to make someone angry,
but this is so anxiety..
i dont like them
and i dont have to
..it is so hard to be around my parents.
I wish i could pound the hell out of my dad's sister in law
..BITCH!
Do this Goran
do that
laugh at my genitals.
Embarass me
what does this shit father of mine do
..live w/ this shit.
I hope he dies
i dont care.
How in the world do i get thru this?
I like women , but am scared of women.
And i now know that it is a certain personality that
i can see me being with.
I know
and it is f-hard.
I cant go to these gay functions anymore
..i feel like a fake.
I dont drink.
I dont want that stuff!
..and i was just thinking now of a CSA men's group
..what if i told this to the counsellors at Men's Resource
Center..?
I panic.
If a guy looked at me
the way
my dad
looked at me
when they dressed me as a girl.
When a man (or woman) isnt validated.. that is f-n scary.
It is like the world is turning away from a n innocent child.
I cant live here.
But hopefully i get a job.
I have to get into meditation.
Something.
Anyway
i love you
guys,
deep i know
but nobody loved me
and i got beat up by the women
and my dad's mum is absolutle crap!
What a shitty people
and they pretend and pretend
how on Earth do they live?
How?
And my sick brother wants me to live in the same town
as him..
Uhhuh, yea i will have him on his hands and knees crawling
to his woman.

I am mad .. i m gonna go to bed!

Night,
and I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas.

Goran