it's been a few months since I've been here. My therapy got intense, and I found that I was becoming more negative, so I stopped all discussion forum participation I was in on a few sites.
I feel like I'm chasing happiness (and employment.) I also feel a little discarded and convenient, now that H has begun therapy in earnest. I know things get worse before getting better, and this year isn't as bad as last year, but geez. Christmas is always a trigger-fest over here. For the past month, I've made a conscious effort to not initiate/give any negative comments to him, even when he screws up. It's killing my soul, but he's not hearing the positives any way.
These days, I am the cause of all that is wrong in marriage, I hear. If I ask H how work was, I hear 20 minutes of how horrible it was. If I stop and redirect the conversation to something more positive, I am told I'm not listening to him (rant). If I am direct and say he seems angry or negative that day, I hear how judgmental I am. If I don't ask, I'm ignoring him.
I'm still being maternalized, and as of now there has been no sex for almost a month, by mutual choice. Not that he's initiated, I get it. I get being triggered. But I'm also angry that there is a different set of rules surrounding his recovery than there were for mine.
I want to stop date nights.
I want to have a conversation that isn't b/w, and isn't "roomies" or engulfment.
I cannot do this for him, and I am not a replacement for his FOO. He's ignoring that, and my own T guided me on saying that directly with love. Edited to add: My T is releasing me at the end of January. Says he can't take me any further, and that I'm using the tools he taught me consistently.
If I say anything not overtly praising him, I am the bad guy. I'm so weary.
I'm spending more time with my friends though, and going to more AA meetings. But I still don't leave home as much as I wanted. I'm so tired. My disabled son's new nurse isn't flexible, either, which is hampering job searches. So I'm looking for online schooling to finish my degree. I'm writing more, too. When I'm not near him, I feel good. Happy. Hopeful.
That's sad, and I feel awful about that. But geez, man. Can he not put away his own clothes or use an alarm clock? Why am I expected to initiate everything except him going to work or weekly T? No wonder I'm tired.
We find out Tuesday if we have enough $ for Christmas gifts for the kids. That's also my fault, for not being hired when looking for work...but verbally it's not. I "just need to be understanding that" he will "do whatever it takes" to make money, and "stop telling me I'm not good enough."
Only...I didn't say that. I thank him at least every other day. If I comment he's late, it's in the "are you ok?" context.
I can't win, and every interaction seems to be a war with him. I am not the enemy.
Edited by Airmid (12/21/13 02:32 PM)
Edit Reason: add info