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#457040 - 12/18/13 08:30 PM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Mostly referring to withstanding and re-evaluating the initial shock which is less than a week old. Telling your parents tends to set them off emotionally, with shock and crying and guilt (if you're lucky - sometimes they minimize). You have to be steady enough to deal. There's also the possibility that your dad might not have answers you need. The way you feel right now, do you want to take the risk of maybe feeling a lot worse, immediately?

Obviously it's your own decision but I'd really recommend you focus on yourself at first.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#457053 - 12/18/13 11:14 PM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1513
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: beautifulfeet356
Compared to most, my situation is not that bad, but it feels like the worst thing in the world to me.


Hey beautifulfeet356,

Welcome aboard! One of the rules here is, don't compare your trauma to anyone elses. The exact details of what happened aren't what really matters. What matters is how you have reacted to it. And the shame, guilt, and being uncomfortable in your own skin, are reactions many of us are familiar with. You are not alone with this. There are 11,887 guys here that have your back.

Jude
_________________________
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?.
The Who

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#457065 - 12/19/13 07:59 AM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1629
New Guy

Welcome and at the same sad anyone has to be here--but you are facing your abuse head on. You have set some goals--children and wife as well as ridding yourself of the effects have on your physical and emotional well being.

MS is a place you can share as you feel comfortable, give words of encouragement to others, join in chats on the chat room, and with support of others your healing journey will be supported. Support is essential in healing--it is difficult to heal alone--

Thank you for sharing your story and please accept support.

Heal well

Kevin

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#457092 - 12/19/13 08:19 PM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
honorableman Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/19/09
Posts: 25
Loc: United States
BF356,
You are innocent in my mind. You know bad people can be ingenious when they want to have sex with you. They work on controlling your mind and then go for your body.

I had a closeted bisexual/homosexual use his wife (my boss) to get close to me when I was a young man.

Look on the bright side, you made a mistake and so did I. My jerk grabbed me when I wasn't looking (wife let me slip out and blocked my view) your jerk got off on taking advantage of you when you were sleeping or relentlessly hounding you. The shame is theirs. They are the sexual perverts and we just happen to be heterosexual dudes in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Time to let go of your burden bro! I let go of mine and it feels AWESOME!! I got my cock back guilt free and pure!!

Life is full of crazy stuff when we are on our own in the world. Their idea is their idea. Forgive yourself, you deserve it.

Best always bro Michael

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#457100 - 12/19/13 09:51 PM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1096
Loc: The ATL

Hi BF356. Welcome to MS. I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through but I'm glad that you've found us and that you've taken your first step towards recovery. Taking that first step, accepting that what happened to you was abuse and realizing at the same time how much it damaged you is always going to be frightening and painful. For most of us it was even devastating. I know it was for me, but it was also essential. It is a pain that runs as deep as any other kind but it is a pain that needs to be felt.

To me, your story is one more example of the reality that there doesn't need to be much of an age difference for a sexual act to be abusive. In fact, there doesn't need to be an age difference at all. It's a fairly commonly held misbelief that all CSA is committed by adult pedophiles and it's a harmful myth at that. It's a myth that keeps many believing that what happened to them was their fault and that they have no right to feel damaged or harmed by what happened. You're in good company here though. The guys here "get it."

Like others have already suggested, you may want to hold off on telling your father about how everything happened. You may want to work through some of this first and try to get to a place where you can make the disclosure from a place of strength and in a state of mind where you will be ready for it if the disclosure does not go as well as you had hoped. I made the mistake of rushing into telling my parents and it turned out to be a bad move. The denial and minimization I got from my mother in particular was very difficult for me to take and I think set me back immensely at the time.

I know it's hard, but try to take your time with this. You have the rest of your life to sort this out and to work towards healing. Breath a little here and there. You're going to be ok and you don't need to rush any of this. Good luck on your journey. Peace,

Ken

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#457163 - 12/21/13 01:16 AM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
felix33 Offline


Registered: 10/17/13
Posts: 4
Loc: California
BF356,
Sorry for your story!
Blessings!
felix33
_________________________
felix33

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#457510 - 12/27/13 10:42 PM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Virginia
Hi BF356,

Welcome. I'm really glad you found the MS site. I've only recently started dealing with this myself, and like you I have a wife and family.

The only advice I'd offer is to go at your own pace. I want this to be over with myself also, so I tend to rush things. Not productive. Despite the pain, the great thing now is that your healing is underway and you're in control now. Not anyone else.

Don't stress out about how long it might take, if it's going fast enough, and so on. Every guy is different, and there's no good way to predict any of that. Don't waste your time on it. The one promise I made to myself is that I would make this a priority. That meant finding a great therapist, telling my wife and selected close friends (but not family-- they wouldn't get it) and systematically and thoroughly digging into the really ugly stuff so I can put it behind me.

Again, I'm glad you're here. You'll find lots of guys who've gone through the same pain and who know what you're up against. Take care.

Bob
_________________________
Don't let "three steps forward and two steps back" bother you. Thirty steps forward and twenty back are still ten steps in the right direction.

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#457534 - 12/28/13 11:15 AM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 219
Loc: Western Europe
Hej there Beautiful feet..

thank you for sharing your story. Your recognition of what has happened caused a lot of stir in your life. Thats not strange. I think most of us have been to this initial phase, the overwhelming nature of it all and what to do with it.

I recommend writing it done for yourself. It helps you to clear out your thoughts and get a bit of sense of the situation. You've survived all the way to here. You don't deserve to feel shame or guilt. You were used, abused. Taken advantage off. For whatever reason this guy did this to you, its up to you to give it a place.

Take your time and read and share with us. It can be a relief to be able to express your emotions and worries!

And i've recently started reading in a book called Victim no Longer. It really helps to explain that the abuse is but a symptom of what is wrong in todays society. Children deserve to be protected and as so many you were not. Perhaps this book can be of some help to you too!

I wish you well and welcome you here on MS!

Pieter


Edited by OCN (12/28/13 11:16 AM)
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#457554 - 12/28/13 07:57 PM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 706
Loc: Southeast USA
bf356,

I am so very sorry you experienced what you did. Your introduction invokes some strong feelings---abuse and false accusations. For various reasons, both are very sensitive topics for me. Though I'm coming to your thread a bit late, I want to share some advice I learned from experience and countless input from others on MS.

First of all, even though those recently unearthed feelings are raw, I learned it is best to pace yourself to avoid the mental exhaustion that comes with addressing these issues. I'm also the type of guy who likes to plot a course and take care of business. Handling abuse takes a more measured approach. On some level or another you have been dealing with this for years, but everyone else in your life will be a newcomer. Indeed, even you are a newcomer to these newfound feelings.

That is normal.

Second, I want to drive home the point his age versus your age is irrelevant. If he found he had a power advantage and used that against you, his actions can be construed as abuse. By reading others' stories, I understand how the definition of "power" is elusive at times. It isn't always age or size.

Finally, MS is a great resource to gain insight by just simply reading others' posts. Although every story is unique, they often fall into several broad categories. I'm not saying there is nothing new under the sun, but it's very likely you will learn something about yourself by reading other posts. Use this insight to formulate a plan for YOU. It may include posting on MS, counseling, and ultimately disclosure if and when you are ready. It's a journey for sure…I'm glad you've taken the first steps.

All the best.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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