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#456996 - 12/18/13 10:07 AM Confronting my shadow
Sam Wise Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/13
Posts: 5
Loc: MI
A few months ago, my marriage completely fallen apart, my wife of 10 years accusing me of being gay, pushed me to open up. I admitted there were things that happened to me as a child that I couldn't tell her about. She was a victim of sexual abuse too (her step-father). One night she was angry/hurt and couldn't let it go, she kept me from going to sleep, started arguments, pushing me, when I fell asleep, she poured a large glass of cold water on me. If I didn't open up and tell her what was going on, she was going for the divorce the next day. So, I told her a portion of my story. We started marriage therapy and I told part of my story again. I went on a New Warrior Training weekend with the Mankind Project, and shared more of my story. My therapist is focusing on my marriage, but is also pushing me to deal with this part of my story. So, here I am.

I began exploring sexuality with an older male cousin when I was around 8. At first I was complicit, at some point I tried to stop it, but he forced me. Eventually, I quit fighting, it went on into my teen years, I don't remember when it stopped. It has been hard for me to call it abuse, I have felt responsible and I have struggled with my sexual identity. I struggle with shame.

At 43, I'm realizing this has been destroying my ability to be intimate with my wife. I'm trying to save my marriage, and trying to provide a stable secure family life for my 2 adopted kids which I dearly love. I would love to forget all about it and get back to a "normal life", but it's not going away. Thanks for sharing your time and stories. Thanks for providing a safe place.
_________________________
like in the great stories.. Full of darkness and danger. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, itís only a passing thing this shadow. Even darkness must pass.

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#456999 - 12/18/13 10:30 AM Re: Confronting my shadow [Re: Sam Wise]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1666
Sam Wise

The shadow is always there, lurking at your being, holding you back from being the person you want to be. The shadow is the abuser who gained control over you and did things you did not want to happen. You have taken a brave step-coming to MS and you know what you want to achieve from healing.

It is important you face and accept the past--it cannot be changed but you do not have to let it control you. Share here, seek support with friends and support groups and if available a therapist. It takes time and the healing can be an emotional roller coaster--but do not give up--seek support and encouragement.

Your wife needs to deal with her abuse and your abuse. She should seek help and support.

Heal well.

Kevin

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#457005 - 12/18/13 11:40 AM Re: Confronting my shadow [Re: Sam Wise]
timetorecover Offline


Registered: 12/11/13
Posts: 12
Loc: Mi


Edited by timetorecover (12/18/13 11:51 AM)

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#457025 - 12/18/13 05:01 PM Re: Confronting my shadow [Re: Sam Wise]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3351
Loc: O Kanada
i welcome you to our online community of survivors.
i sincerely hope you find something good here.
i wish you all the best in your current struggle.
we are all at different stages of survival here,
and i am sure you will find similar situations to yours throughout this site.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#457042 - 12/18/13 09:06 PM Re: Confronting my shadow [Re: Sam Wise]
Sam Wise Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/13
Posts: 5
Loc: MI
Thanks for your welcome and encouragement. I know it's a long road ahead. I've been looking around on the boards and it's good to know there is a lot of help here. I will find what I need to face the shadows.
_________________________
like in the great stories.. Full of darkness and danger. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, itís only a passing thing this shadow. Even darkness must pass.

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#457047 - 12/18/13 10:22 PM Re: Confronting my shadow [Re: Sam Wise]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3351
Loc: O Kanada
may i recommend the following links to some excellent poems written by our fellow ms.org members.

Shadow Life
by traveler

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...3679#Post446736

I Like The Shadows That Feed On The Night
by MADcHATTER

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...amp;#Post313203

the poetry forum is a great place to start exploring this website.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#457099 - 12/19/13 09:47 PM Re: Confronting my shadow [Re: Sam Wise]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1536
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Sam Wise
At 43, I'm realizing this has been destroying my ability to be intimate with my wife. I'm trying to save my marriage, and trying to provide a stable secure family life for my 2 adopted kids which I dearly love. I would love to forget all about it and get back to a "normal life", but it's not going away.

I'm right there with you Sam, but I would add that you are dealing with all this you for YOU as well. It was your childhood that was stolen, and your life that was twisted. You deserve the opportunity to take all that back, AND save your marraige, and care for your children.

Like you, I remember wishing I could rewind and go back to "normal" life. But what I found was that the life I had wasn't normal at all. The tentacles of what happened to me were present in every area of life. I couldn't drink it away, I couldn't drug it away, I tried everything. No, it was either face it all, or die.

You will find this a safe place to talk about it. When I started here someone tlod me that the more you talk about it, the less power it has over you. I've found that to be true. I hope you do as well.

Jude
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#457113 - 12/20/13 08:11 AM Re: Confronting my shadow [Re: Sam Wise]
Sam Wise Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/13
Posts: 5
Loc: MI
Hey Jude,

Thanks - I'm beginning to see much of my life has been effected. I have hidden so much of my feelings, pushed down my thoughts, lost my voice, and have lived under the weight of the shadow my whole life. What woke me up was seeing that I need this for them, but I am just beginning to understand I need this for me.
_________________________
like in the great stories.. Full of darkness and danger. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, itís only a passing thing this shadow. Even darkness must pass.

Top
#458588 - 01/14/14 12:51 PM Re: Confronting my shadow [Re: Sam Wise]
Steve J Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/08
Posts: 24
Loc: Louisiana
Hi Sam Wise,

Thanks you for your story, and I'm glad you're here. I especially want to honor you for attending the New Warrior Training Adventure put on by the Mankind Project. It took a lot of courage on your part to do that. I did my training in May 2008, and I discovered a group of men who genuinely cared for me. I found out that it is possible to have an intimate, NON-sexual relationship with other men. The men in my group have been incredibly supportive as I've dealt with the CSA. I've come to realize that I can bring anything to the group, and I will never be criticized, judged or condemned. I may be challenged, but never criticized. If you are not in an I-Group, I encourage you to find one. It has been a godsend for me.

My marriage of 46 years ended a year ago when my wife filed for divorce. For the first time in my 72 years, I am living on my own and learning to take care of myself. It has been a real challenge. I rarely hear from my children, grandchildren or siblings, but he guys in my group call me weekly to check up on me. I can't tell you how comforting that support is.

If you want to know more about my involvement in MKP or just want to talk, please contact me privately. I wish you the best on your journey; it does get better.
_________________________
Steve J
Courageous Buffalo

New Warrior, May 2008
WoR, Hope Springs, October 2009
WoR, Dahlonega, May 2010
malesurvivorsstory@blogspot.com

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#458597 - 01/14/14 04:54 PM Re: Confronting my shadow [Re: Sam Wise]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1356
Originally Posted By: Sam Wise - emphasis added by Eirik
At first I was complicit... It has been hard for me to call it abuse, I have felt responsible and I have struggled with my sexual identity. I struggle with shame.

You were eight. You may have been cooperative, but you were not complicit. It is an important distinction. So it is no wonder that you "have felt responsible," and that you feel the shame of owning it. You need to redefine this for what it is. And that's not going to be a sudden epiphany or a convincing realization. It took me years to get to that point. And it is so worth the journey. You are at the trailhead.

I, too, was a victim of long-term sexual abuse. For years and years it was just that "dirty little secret" I tried to shelve forever in the dark closets of my memory. I suspect a lot of us were similar. And then something happens that wakes you up to yourself, as if for thirty years you were just sleepwalking through some paint-by-numbers life you could never quite master.

The rabbit hole goes deeper than you can probably imagine. Remember that a normal life is probably a mirage - it doesn't exist - it's just a lie you told yourself you have to be. So don't try to get back to a normal life - instead, just try to get to Sam Wise. If your journey is anything like mine, you'll find him standing there alone in those memories, patiently waiting for you to come back to him.

Good luck, Sam Wise.
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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