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#457015 - 12/18/13 01:29 PM letting go
bey Offline


Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 206
Loc: canada
i'd like to think
that i let things go
that i don't close my hands into permanent fists
that i don't drag the past behind me

i would like to think i could let things lie

i want to say that
i don't harbour resentment
and i don't judge too harshly
i'd like to think that i see you as human
flawed and imperfect
but worthy of love
a second chance
understanding

i want to say there but for the grace of god

i would like to believe that i forgive easily
and i am at peace with my forgiveness
i would like to believe that i let go of anger
and feel safe in its absence

but today i hold my hands in tight fists
and my house is more hole than wall
and today i can no longer walk because the weight of my past pulls so heavily at my back
and today i will use my anger to forge shield and sword and hold them up screaming;

this is what you did to me

i'd like to think that freedom comes from dropping this rope
but i've had my back against too many walls
i've got my number
but i've been holding on too long to let go now

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#457017 - 12/18/13 02:14 PM Re: letting go [Re: bey]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
W shocked W

cry W
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#459135 - 01/22/14 12:14 AM Re: letting go [Re: bey]
bey Offline


Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 206
Loc: canada
Do you ever write something and then read it and go
Oh, so thats how I feel.

I wrote this after watching a bunch of episodes of Nazi Hunters
And thought and thought about forgiveness vs vengeance
Letting go vs holding on
The best revenge is a life lived well vs the best revenge is hunting you down and hurting you like you hurt me
An eye for an eye
Vs that whole makes the whole world blind thing.

And I didnt know where I stood on that
In regards to my parents, not the nazi thing.
Because I do see myself as forgiving
And I want to think I move past things

But today its as clear as clear that I am not ready to put this down
And my heart wants to be out there hunting
But there is nothing left to hunt
There can be no eye for an eye
There can be no vengeance
And I'm not sure im as ok with that as I'd like to be

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#459144 - 01/22/14 03:01 AM Re: letting go [Re: bey]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 414
Loc: Canada
One must be careful with such an allegory.

I myself have thought a great deal about it ... and have rejected the comparison.
On a deeply personal level I dislike this representation.
The Holocaust is a universal monstrosity that applies to each and every person,
no matter who they are or what tragedy may have befallen them.
Nothing can compare with it ... although history tells us that it was far from unique.
Evil has lived within mankind since the beginning of time ...
and it has repeatedly targeted the innocent and often for no other reason than malevolent ignorance ...
and it is still happening now.
We are a stupid species that doesn't learn from history.

I have been in Germany several times but did not visited the camps ...
I wanted to go but I know in my heart that I just couldn't take it ...
I would have been a blubbering mess before I even got through the gates.
Israel would also present challenges ... but I would still like to go there to see how... as a people ...
they have more than survived.
They have overcome.
We as survivors strive to be free of our own nightmares ... but the difference cannot be debated.
The abuse will not kill us ...
only we can make that choice.

Obviously I am passionate about this ... and I mean no disrespect.
Your view is as valid as mine.
I feel better now that I have stopped comparing my plight with anyone other than a fellow survivor,
and girls/women who have suffered in the same ... but distinctly different ... way.

Forgiveness is an impossible choice for some.

I have forgiven 3 of my abusers ... but for the other 2 it is out of the question.
I laid awake at night for many years ... unable to stop imagining the horrific things
I would have liked to do to the bullies who made my life a living hell.
There was always a sexual component to the vengeance I would subject them to ...
even though there was nothing directly sexual about the bullying other than by implication.
It finally stopped haunting me around the age of 30
... but
when memories of my sexual abuse surfaced at 36 ... it all started up again ...
and it was only then that I realized why I had included the sexual component when I plotted my revenge on the bullies.
It wasn't until my mid 40's that it stopped happening.
I am still unable to get to sleep sometimes because of things from my past ...
but the ghosts that live with me now are of a different kind.

I came to realize that the suffering it caused me was almost worse than either abuse
because ...
it dragged me down to their level.

Vengeance only draws us closer to them ... and traps us forever in their snare.

(((Benny)))
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#459146 - 01/22/14 03:04 AM Re: letting go [Re: bey]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 414
Loc: Canada
BTW ... I am not Jewish.
I am a repented Catholic trying to survive THAT too.
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#459151 - 01/22/14 04:20 AM Re: letting go [Re: bey]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
my father and his family barely survived WWII as Germans (volksdeutsch) in Poland.
they lived in that area that hitler invaded in 1939 for hundreds of years.
they lost everything, endured six years of war and fear,
followed by years of poverty and starvation in the ruins of a defeated nation occupied by foreign troops.
the violence continued long after peace broke out.
in the end, they were hated by all sides.
no longer wanted in poland, not welcome in germany.
they were forced to flee and scatter throughout the world.

the stories they tell me make my worse situations seem like...
well, we all know that trauma is relative and comparisons are not relevant... anyway...
ethnic cleansing, whole villages of civilians slaughtered, children tossed off of bridges, public executions, massacres... tortures and terrors and horrors and atrocities and crimes against humanity, reprisals and retaliations and revenges committed by all sides.
german on polish, polish on german, german on german, polish on polish, polish on russian, russian on polish, russian on german, russian on russian, soldier on civilian, civilian on soldier.

every possible murder occurred. it was not organized.
they said it was chaos. random death and rape was rampant.
the eastern europe battlefield was vindictive, cruel and nasty.
my grandfather fought in three different uniforms, switching sides and assuming aliases.
my uncle survived 10 years in a gulag, he was young and strong enough to earn extra rations for stacking frozen corpses.
my dad was a kid, and became a very violent angry aggressive man.

i come from a long line of super survivors.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#459167 - 01/22/14 10:29 AM Re: letting go [Re: bey]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
p.s.

love these as affirmations...
great images, bey.

i won't close my hands into permanent fists.
i won't drag the past behind me.


(i took the liberty of changing them slightly to suit my purpose - apologies)
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#459168 - 01/22/14 10:39 AM Re: letting go [Re: bey]
bey Offline


Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 206
Loc: canada
Ya, I am totally with you shy shark

while the holocaust is really tied up in my culture and my family, my biological one and the family of my heart, i don't compare what i went through to that. for a lot of reasons, it actually hurts my heart too much to get into. but when i read my writing, i see it as a theme a lot, even when i don't mean to put it there.
My best friend's grandfather (who I call my grandfather) was a holocaust survivor, and we had lots of conversations about forgiveness, and whether it is the ideal or not.
he and his two friends, also survivors, disagreed on that point. me, i'm not sure what i think.
The reason that show made me think so much was just that - i know people who will never forgive, who spend their life fighting for restitution or vengeance or whatever else. and I know people who forgive and try to move on. and i don't see one as better than the other, really.

and in my life, in my situation, do i see forgiveness as the ideal, as what I want? I think i do. but then again, maybe I don't. ha, i'm still kinda stuck in that. Do i want to forgive my parents? maybe. hoping i will find peace with myself one day, whatever i chose, whether forgiveness is something i chose for myself or not. i just can't imagine that i could be at peace without it. and in my life, thats what i want.

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#459171 - 01/22/14 10:53 AM Re: letting go [Re: bey]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
what was the title of the show you are referring to, bey?
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#459178 - 01/22/14 11:37 AM Re: letting go [Re: bey]
bey Offline


Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 206
Loc: canada
VV,

My biological grandfather left Germany for Canada as a young man in the mid 30s. His family didn't want to leave their home so they stayed, and he never saw them again. My father had a pretty shitty childhood, but never talked about it much. I never met this grandfather, my dad had nothing to do with him after he left home.
The man I call my grandfather (my best friends grandfather) was a Polish jew, and i've been to Poland many times, and hopefully I am going back in April. I consider myself infinitely blessed to have been born a jewish person in Canada in 1978.

my first poem there was 100% about me and my forgiveness or lack there of. but i do like thinking about culturally, personally what do I know about forgiveness. its messy business, i think, and different for everyone. and ya, i mean i wouldn't compare my suffering with anyone else's, mine has been a life of little tragedies. my grandfather once said to me "benny, in the end, a hurt heart is a hurt heart." and the world is full of hurt hearts, broken spirits. some big, some small.

ben

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