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#456969 - 12/17/13 10:01 PM New Guy
beautifulfeet356 Offline


Registered: 12/17/13
Posts: 6
Loc: United States
Hope everyone here is doing well. Currently in the military. Been to just about every country. I have a wife and three children, one on the way. My life has been pretty good until last Friday. Last week I went to the Sexual Assault Victim Advocate course so that I could volunteer to help those who experience this kind of trauma. On Friday the biggest bombshell of my life struck me. I went through this entire course and on the last day it all came to the surface. I was able to talk to one of the Victim Advocates there, but for some reason I cannot bring myself to say it out loud or write it down. The whole story that is.

I'm not quite sure why typing out the story isn't a big deal (It just doesn't seem as serious as writing or speaking it. I feel like if I write it or speak it, then I'm really admitting it.) Anyways, I'll give you a gist of the story. When I was 14, I was put into foster care. My father was a drug addict, and I lived with him until then, but his addition was not allowing him to properly care for me. Lots of neglect. So I'm in foster care for about six months, nice family, nice house. Seems like my life took a turn for the good. There was another foster boy in the house a year younger than me. Openly gay. Whatever, no big deal.

We shared a room together, and all was cool at first. Until he started making comments about me and things that he would love to do to me. Then, that turned into him asking if he could perform oral sex on me. For a while I fought him off man, but I'll tell you, the more someone asks you the same thing over and over.....it wears you out. I gave in. I really didn't want to do it, but I wanted him to shut up! I mean, I really didn't want to tell my foster dad and cause issues either. I enjoyed where I was at. For the first time I had stability in my life.

He did his thing, but man.....it started getting crazy. I was super uncomfortable. It wasn't right to me. I would wake up in the middle of the night and catch him doing crap to me. Oral, playin with me..whatever. He would sweat it off like it was no issue. I retreated to myself because I didn't feel like I could tell anyone. I felt really embarrassed. I wasn't gay (still am not) but I didn't want people (or my foster dad/brother(whom my dad had already adopted, not the same person in the story)) to think I was. I shrugged it off, it continued to happen. One day I get home from school and my foster dad called me upstairs and he was there with the foster kid. Awesome.

This little jerkface told his (I'm a little angry about this part) therapist that I was asking him to do this crap to me! By North Carolina law, she was obligated to tell my foster dad, and he believed her. Not once asked me what happened. Anyways, he separated us into different rooms so we weren't sleeping together. This kid still made remarks about me and the way I looked. He knew he got away with it though.

After that, I buried it really deep, it would flash into my head every so often, but I would push it away. Since the class (not sure why it decided to surface now) I feel extremely uncomfortable in my skin. When I am alone I feel like there is a heavy weight in my chest (like I am in the gym and there is a barbell on my chest that I can't lift off). I feel sick to my stomach cause I want to throw up sometimes. I get headaches, sometimes I feel the urge to cry but I fight it off. I'm still trying to make sense of everything. I can see certain aspects of the situation, but other details are blurry, which makes me feel like my memory is not dependable and therefore I am at fault somehow, someway. I've told one other person, and I don't want to tell anyone else (even though I have scripted the conversations in my head). I want to forget it again, but I can't. I'm afraid that subconsciously this issue has affected the way I am with my children and that is not right. I want to be healthy and raise my children right, and love my wife. This is messed up to me.

I appreciate this forum, and glad to be here. If you have any words of wisdom/encouragement I would be grateful. Compared to most, my situation is not that bad, but it feels like the worst thing in the world to me......Thanks for listening!
_________________________
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and he will make straight your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

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#456970 - 12/17/13 10:14 PM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
une.vie.d.espoir Offline


Registered: 12/06/10
Posts: 106
Loc: Quebec-Canada
Hi,

I am real sorry what append to you, you are at a good place here anaway and lots of men will do there best to help. Take care,

Jean-Pierre

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#456974 - 12/17/13 10:38 PM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Bf356, welcome. Typing is different, it feels disconnected from our collective thoughts and feelings. Use it. While age can be a factor in the abuse, it is not the whole story. Don't read more into it, the boy obviously had experienced abuse or was exposed to material he fixated. Male survivors experience overwhelming shame and fear. Minors are not accountable as adults, therefore the abuse you suffered needs to be talked out, reasoned on and relieved. I strongly recommend a Weekend of Recovery as well as sharing what you can and listening to the supporting experiences of your fellow survivors. You are on the right path, keep moving.
Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#456976 - 12/17/13 11:06 PM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
freeze-on Offline


Registered: 08/08/09
Posts: 72
Loc: southeast
Sorry man about the situation. Thanks for serving the country and giving yourself the way that you do. The pressure of the military and family is tough enough, and add 'this' too it makes it difficult. But facing it now and dealing with it is a great feat in itself. Acknowledging....and i believe, even with similar ages that it is not 'your fault'. Many times our previous schema of life set us up for failing to set our boundaries with other people. Fear of being 'sent away' , fear of whatever makes us do things we regret later. It is very aggravating at how you were 'blamed' yet, just wanted to 'shut him up'....that is understandable believe it or not....as kids, we make those decisions, heck as adults we make those decisions.

It is good to acknowledge it, and start looking at it. I started dealing with my stuff while in the military and it was difficult, yet folks tended to understand in the health care arena. Utilize your resources. The advocacy courses you took provide great background for helping yourself and helping others as you continue the journey. Take care of yourself first. And opportunity will come about to help others, even as just posting your story makes a difference to someone, though you may not know it publicly. Welcome to ms and heal on brother...

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#456991 - 12/18/13 09:32 AM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
BF356,

I know what it's like to occasionally view glimpses of memories of abuse, then force them away in denial, without feeling it, for years and years. When the dam finally breaks the pain is beyond what you could have thought possible as you lose so much of what you thought you knew about your life. Yet even though you suffer terribly for it now, I am glad you have at last started to confront these feelings. They wouldn't have stayed dormant forever and maybe a future time when they burst out would have been even worse than now.

As a rule one of the biggest predictors of emotional distress, fury, powerlessness, and guilt for survivors is the "justice" factor: whether they tell, whether they are believed, whether the perp is punished. It's awful to see that you got the exact opposite of that: the perp blamed YOU and no one believed you. I'm so sorry. That's really going to be a deep-dug knife and I hope you find a good therapist who can help you properly express and externalize it.

You sound like a devoted family man - so of course you know you are pursuing your healing for their sake as well as yours, to keep your relationships strong and healthy. You are doing right by them even when no one did right by you. It is a credit to you.

We are all here rooting for you as you begin to reclaim and recover your sense of identity and safety. In a way there is a grieving process to go through as you realize that your old emotional state is gone, that the bad feelings will never be blocked safely silently away again.... but ultimately, you ARE still you, and have every reason to hope for regaining an enjoyable and in-control life.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#456998 - 12/18/13 10:23 AM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 149
Loc: Chicago
Welcome BF356. I'm sorry for your reasons for being here, but I am glad you found a site that can offer you support and resources. Take time to read the posts. There will be other stories similar to yours. Furthermore, many men often experience similar reactions or feelings as an adult looking back at the abuse.

Prior to joining the site, I knew other men had abuse. However, I didn't comprehend what others thought. So it was reassuring to have my feelings/thoughts/reactions validated by other men here.

I wish you all the best.

-Nick

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#457010 - 12/18/13 12:42 PM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
beautifulfeet356 Offline


Registered: 12/17/13
Posts: 6
Loc: United States
SAM - I can tell that typing it is helping me to express it outwardly in words. I am able to write down very simple sentences about how I am feeling. I appreciate the insight.

Freeze-On - I can tell you that when I first told the VA, she told me that (even in the classes) people tend to react differently to fear. My thoughts were, I wasn't afraid, I was bigger than the dude...no issue. The more that I have been dwelling on my thoughts my true feelings have come to the surface about that time in my life. Fear was a mental thing.

SoccerStar - I'll tell you man, I don't think I have ever felt this much guilt before in my entire life. I didn't realize I was capable of feeling emotions this intense. I'm not sure how to talk about it to my father, (who was my foster dad at the time and adopted me a year later) or if I even can.
Everything I do is for my family, and I've noticed that this has been a hinderance to my abilities to bond with my daughter. I don't like that at all. I appreciate the point you made that this is not my identity, however; I think its going to take me a lot longer to actually believe that, even though in my mind I know its true.
_________________________
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and he will make straight your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

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#457026 - 12/18/13 05:05 PM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3090
Loc: O Kanada
you story is terrible, and yet, so sadly familiar to me, and similar to so many other survivors' stories and situations posted here.

welcome to ms.org, where i am sure you will find yourself in their feelings.
may you receive strength and support in this shared suffering.

i sincerely wish you well with your disclosure, discovery, and recovery.

_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#457030 - 12/18/13 05:40 PM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: beautifulfeet356
. I'm not sure how to talk about it to my father, (who was my foster dad at the time and adopted me a year later) or if I even can.


Don't burden yourself with too much at such an early stage. Disclosure to parents is wrenching even under ideal circumstances, and there are other factors here that will further complicate it. When you're in a stronger state and have had an expert guide you in how to work through this, I'm sure you'll be able to say whatever you feel you need to say. But right now I'd suggest you're better off concentrating on your own immediate day-to-day emotional needs.... getting the earthquake to stop.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#457036 - 12/18/13 07:42 PM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
beautifulfeet356 Offline


Registered: 12/17/13
Posts: 6
Loc: United States
SoccerStar - Your absolutely right, but I have so many questions it is every difficult for me to not to try and solve every issue RIGHT THIS MINUTE cause I don't want to feel this way. Obviously, I think that's why you tell me to get the earthquake to stop, cause that's the emotions your referring to (I assume)
_________________________
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and he will make straight your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

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