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#45698 - 04/04/04 12:45 PM Kissing (Possible Triggers)
Archnut Offline

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 343
Loc: United Kingdom
Hi Guy's

Here in the UK a program is highlighting child protection undertaken by the Metropolitan Police, its being shown on mainstream television and goes to show the manipulating personalities of these paedophiles.

At one point they were interviewing a survivor and he happened to mention kissing. It pole axed me. I had forgotten how disgusting that act was I would have rather been penetrated than experience that again (I had been raped by the same perp). For that split second the moment seemed like an eternity and I felt physically sick and felt the sensations in my mouth. I just wanted to scream. I had genuinely forgotten this although reminded of it subconciously with my wife. I thought I had realised all my triggers, just goes to show what an innocent act (of kissing my wife) can be corrupted into.

I was freaked out completely by this that I lost all other interest for the rst of that day and I dont look forward to going to bed for the first time in ages. Any one else feel, the same way?


"And all that was left was hope"

#45699 - 04/04/04 03:24 PM Re: Kissing (Possible Triggers)
MikeNY Offline

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Right now, I don't like to be touched by anyone at all, including hugging and any kind of kissing. I realize that this is unrealistic, especially since I know a lot of good and compassionate people, family and friends. I hate the idea that I have to remind myself that they are just doing it because they care about me, or that it is just part of their compassionate personality. I'm especially taken aback by strangers who I just meet that do these things. Right now, I'm a firm believer in the 3 foot personal space zone. I get very uncomfortable when anybody invades that zone.

"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

#45700 - 04/04/04 05:20 PM Re: Kissing (Possible Triggers)
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
one of my abusers was a geninely gay older boy, he was one of the gang of abusers at work in the school but he was one year younger than the rest and one year older than me.

When the majority of the gang left, and the teacher who abused me had also left suddenly in the middle of the night that left me in the 4th year and him in the 5th. He knew that I was 'available' and made his move.
By that time I was 'willing to do anything' and I did. But he wanted to kiss, cuddle and hold hands.
That repulsed me so much I can't describe it even now.

I'm not gay bashing here, but this experience was the one thing that told me I wasn't gay.
He was, and still is, as far as I know. But although I would do anything sexually, showing affection wasn't what I did at all, and it wasn't just because I didn't fancy him, I didn't fancy any other male at all.

I still have trouble kissing someone to this day, even after 30 of marriage.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#45701 - 04/04/04 07:11 PM Re: Kissing (Possible Triggers)
LostandTroubled Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/20/04
Posts: 29
I hated kissing when I was abused. Especially French kissing - it was nasty. *shudders*

Though I haven't ever kissed anyone in a relationship so I can't comment on that.

I also do not like to be touched. Handshakes I can handle, but I don't like it when I'm hugged, especially if I'm touched by an adult man, I have to supress the urge to freak out and tell them "no!". This is hard especially at church - there are so many nice brethren in the church who want to hug me, but I get scared and have to just shake their hand. I don't like it when my dad hugs me or tries to hold me when I cry. I have problems with my parents wanting to kiss my cheek or my head (one of perps always signaled that the sex was over and it was ok for me to get dressed by kissing the side of my head).

I hope it gets easier to deal with touch.

~~Welcome to the World~~
Nicole Sadako - Born: March 29th 2004

#45702 - 04/04/04 11:40 PM Re: Kissing (Possible Triggers)
moo2 Offline

Registered: 01/31/03
Posts: 82
Loc: pottsboro,texas
Hi Guys,
There is no french kissing in our house. Edwin is a CSA survivor. No sex hardly at all too. Edwin is only giving me cheek kisses. We have been married for 15 years. It is hard for the spouse side too. We spouses want + need kissing + sex, but we also see the need for you to heal. Both sides are real hard for always.

With Truth In Love,

#45703 - 04/05/04 10:36 AM Re: Kissing (Possible Triggers)
phoster Offline

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
you know i love kissing my wife, but i have been with people who i hated to kiss. funny, i have been with a couple of men in my life, and hated kissing them. i wanted the sex, but i didnt want any kissing or embracing from them. i guess that's the seperation between acting out and loving for me.

compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

#45704 - 04/05/04 07:49 PM Re: Kissing (Possible Triggers)
LupinIII Offline

Registered: 02/21/04
Posts: 156
I have a lot of problems getting kisses from women unless sex is involved. At the time in my life when I would go to a strip club once a month I never wanted the stripper to kiss me (or talk but thats a story for a different day).

Even today with my wife I have difficulty in non-sexual situations with a simple peck on the lips.

I guess there is something so intimate about kissing, and our intimacy has been so shattered, that it triggers a reaction.

#45705 - 04/06/04 09:48 AM Re: Kissing (Possible Triggers)
coolcat Offline

Registered: 02/23/04
Posts: 109
Loc: Winnipeg MB Canada
At times I find the whole sexual realtionship thing very hard to deal with. I just have to remind myself that the person I am with is not my abuser and that this person really does love me.

Take it easy, Don't that the sounds of your own wheels drive you crazy....

#45706 - 04/06/04 11:42 AM Re: Kissing (Possible Triggers)
Brayton Offline

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
I am repulsed by all things having to do with s'x, including kissing, cuddling and holding hands (like Dave).

(Unlike Dave, however, this did not indicate to me that I was/am not gay. Instead, I have always been in the impossible place of of being what I cannot be.)

I don't remember all the specifics or even most of the specifics of why I am this way. Since all forms of abuse (s'xual, physical, verbal) were concurrent, I haven't been able to pick out specific causes for each behavior (or lack thereof).

It used to be that in my mind I would have the idea that kissing or something like it would be a pleasureable experience but then when I did it, it was anything but that.


Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

#45707 - 04/06/04 06:24 PM Re: Kissing (Possible Triggers)
onlyakid Offline

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1556
Loc: New Jersey
My mother gave me a small peck on the lips the other day. Is this innapropriate? It feels it, but I don't know if thats just my SA talking.

"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"

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