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#456969 - 12/17/13 10:01 PM New Guy
beautifulfeet356 Offline


Registered: 12/17/13
Posts: 6
Loc: United States
Hope everyone here is doing well. Currently in the military. Been to just about every country. I have a wife and three children, one on the way. My life has been pretty good until last Friday. Last week I went to the Sexual Assault Victim Advocate course so that I could volunteer to help those who experience this kind of trauma. On Friday the biggest bombshell of my life struck me. I went through this entire course and on the last day it all came to the surface. I was able to talk to one of the Victim Advocates there, but for some reason I cannot bring myself to say it out loud or write it down. The whole story that is.

I'm not quite sure why typing out the story isn't a big deal (It just doesn't seem as serious as writing or speaking it. I feel like if I write it or speak it, then I'm really admitting it.) Anyways, I'll give you a gist of the story. When I was 14, I was put into foster care. My father was a drug addict, and I lived with him until then, but his addition was not allowing him to properly care for me. Lots of neglect. So I'm in foster care for about six months, nice family, nice house. Seems like my life took a turn for the good. There was another foster boy in the house a year younger than me. Openly gay. Whatever, no big deal.

We shared a room together, and all was cool at first. Until he started making comments about me and things that he would love to do to me. Then, that turned into him asking if he could perform oral sex on me. For a while I fought him off man, but I'll tell you, the more someone asks you the same thing over and over.....it wears you out. I gave in. I really didn't want to do it, but I wanted him to shut up! I mean, I really didn't want to tell my foster dad and cause issues either. I enjoyed where I was at. For the first time I had stability in my life.

He did his thing, but man.....it started getting crazy. I was super uncomfortable. It wasn't right to me. I would wake up in the middle of the night and catch him doing crap to me. Oral, playin with me..whatever. He would sweat it off like it was no issue. I retreated to myself because I didn't feel like I could tell anyone. I felt really embarrassed. I wasn't gay (still am not) but I didn't want people (or my foster dad/brother(whom my dad had already adopted, not the same person in the story)) to think I was. I shrugged it off, it continued to happen. One day I get home from school and my foster dad called me upstairs and he was there with the foster kid. Awesome.

This little jerkface told his (I'm a little angry about this part) therapist that I was asking him to do this crap to me! By North Carolina law, she was obligated to tell my foster dad, and he believed her. Not once asked me what happened. Anyways, he separated us into different rooms so we weren't sleeping together. This kid still made remarks about me and the way I looked. He knew he got away with it though.

After that, I buried it really deep, it would flash into my head every so often, but I would push it away. Since the class (not sure why it decided to surface now) I feel extremely uncomfortable in my skin. When I am alone I feel like there is a heavy weight in my chest (like I am in the gym and there is a barbell on my chest that I can't lift off). I feel sick to my stomach cause I want to throw up sometimes. I get headaches, sometimes I feel the urge to cry but I fight it off. I'm still trying to make sense of everything. I can see certain aspects of the situation, but other details are blurry, which makes me feel like my memory is not dependable and therefore I am at fault somehow, someway. I've told one other person, and I don't want to tell anyone else (even though I have scripted the conversations in my head). I want to forget it again, but I can't. I'm afraid that subconsciously this issue has affected the way I am with my children and that is not right. I want to be healthy and raise my children right, and love my wife. This is messed up to me.

I appreciate this forum, and glad to be here. If you have any words of wisdom/encouragement I would be grateful. Compared to most, my situation is not that bad, but it feels like the worst thing in the world to me......Thanks for listening!
_________________________
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and he will make straight your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

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#456970 - 12/17/13 10:14 PM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
une.vie.d.espoir Offline


Registered: 12/06/10
Posts: 112
Loc: Quebec-Canada
Hi,

I am real sorry what append to you, you are at a good place here anaway and lots of men will do there best to help. Take care,

Jean-Pierre

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#456974 - 12/17/13 10:38 PM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5945
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Bf356, welcome. Typing is different, it feels disconnected from our collective thoughts and feelings. Use it. While age can be a factor in the abuse, it is not the whole story. Don't read more into it, the boy obviously had experienced abuse or was exposed to material he fixated. Male survivors experience overwhelming shame and fear. Minors are not accountable as adults, therefore the abuse you suffered needs to be talked out, reasoned on and relieved. I strongly recommend a Weekend of Recovery as well as sharing what you can and listening to the supporting experiences of your fellow survivors. You are on the right path, keep moving.
Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#456976 - 12/17/13 11:06 PM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
freeze-on Offline


Registered: 08/08/09
Posts: 76
Loc: southeast
Sorry man about the situation. Thanks for serving the country and giving yourself the way that you do. The pressure of the military and family is tough enough, and add 'this' too it makes it difficult. But facing it now and dealing with it is a great feat in itself. Acknowledging....and i believe, even with similar ages that it is not 'your fault'. Many times our previous schema of life set us up for failing to set our boundaries with other people. Fear of being 'sent away' , fear of whatever makes us do things we regret later. It is very aggravating at how you were 'blamed' yet, just wanted to 'shut him up'....that is understandable believe it or not....as kids, we make those decisions, heck as adults we make those decisions.

It is good to acknowledge it, and start looking at it. I started dealing with my stuff while in the military and it was difficult, yet folks tended to understand in the health care arena. Utilize your resources. The advocacy courses you took provide great background for helping yourself and helping others as you continue the journey. Take care of yourself first. And opportunity will come about to help others, even as just posting your story makes a difference to someone, though you may not know it publicly. Welcome to ms and heal on brother...

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#456991 - 12/18/13 09:32 AM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
BF356,

I know what it's like to occasionally view glimpses of memories of abuse, then force them away in denial, without feeling it, for years and years. When the dam finally breaks the pain is beyond what you could have thought possible as you lose so much of what you thought you knew about your life. Yet even though you suffer terribly for it now, I am glad you have at last started to confront these feelings. They wouldn't have stayed dormant forever and maybe a future time when they burst out would have been even worse than now.

As a rule one of the biggest predictors of emotional distress, fury, powerlessness, and guilt for survivors is the "justice" factor: whether they tell, whether they are believed, whether the perp is punished. It's awful to see that you got the exact opposite of that: the perp blamed YOU and no one believed you. I'm so sorry. That's really going to be a deep-dug knife and I hope you find a good therapist who can help you properly express and externalize it.

You sound like a devoted family man - so of course you know you are pursuing your healing for their sake as well as yours, to keep your relationships strong and healthy. You are doing right by them even when no one did right by you. It is a credit to you.

We are all here rooting for you as you begin to reclaim and recover your sense of identity and safety. In a way there is a grieving process to go through as you realize that your old emotional state is gone, that the bad feelings will never be blocked safely silently away again.... but ultimately, you ARE still you, and have every reason to hope for regaining an enjoyable and in-control life.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#456998 - 12/18/13 10:23 AM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 151
Loc: Chicago
Welcome BF356. I'm sorry for your reasons for being here, but I am glad you found a site that can offer you support and resources. Take time to read the posts. There will be other stories similar to yours. Furthermore, many men often experience similar reactions or feelings as an adult looking back at the abuse.

Prior to joining the site, I knew other men had abuse. However, I didn't comprehend what others thought. So it was reassuring to have my feelings/thoughts/reactions validated by other men here.

I wish you all the best.

-Nick

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#457010 - 12/18/13 12:42 PM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
beautifulfeet356 Offline


Registered: 12/17/13
Posts: 6
Loc: United States
SAM - I can tell that typing it is helping me to express it outwardly in words. I am able to write down very simple sentences about how I am feeling. I appreciate the insight.

Freeze-On - I can tell you that when I first told the VA, she told me that (even in the classes) people tend to react differently to fear. My thoughts were, I wasn't afraid, I was bigger than the dude...no issue. The more that I have been dwelling on my thoughts my true feelings have come to the surface about that time in my life. Fear was a mental thing.

SoccerStar - I'll tell you man, I don't think I have ever felt this much guilt before in my entire life. I didn't realize I was capable of feeling emotions this intense. I'm not sure how to talk about it to my father, (who was my foster dad at the time and adopted me a year later) or if I even can.
Everything I do is for my family, and I've noticed that this has been a hinderance to my abilities to bond with my daughter. I don't like that at all. I appreciate the point you made that this is not my identity, however; I think its going to take me a lot longer to actually believe that, even though in my mind I know its true.
_________________________
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and he will make straight your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

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#457026 - 12/18/13 05:05 PM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3428
Loc: O Kanada
you story is terrible, and yet, so sadly familiar to me, and similar to so many other survivors' stories and situations posted here.

welcome to ms.org, where i am sure you will find yourself in their feelings.
may you receive strength and support in this shared suffering.

i sincerely wish you well with your disclosure, discovery, and recovery.

_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#457030 - 12/18/13 05:40 PM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: beautifulfeet356
. I'm not sure how to talk about it to my father, (who was my foster dad at the time and adopted me a year later) or if I even can.


Don't burden yourself with too much at such an early stage. Disclosure to parents is wrenching even under ideal circumstances, and there are other factors here that will further complicate it. When you're in a stronger state and have had an expert guide you in how to work through this, I'm sure you'll be able to say whatever you feel you need to say. But right now I'd suggest you're better off concentrating on your own immediate day-to-day emotional needs.... getting the earthquake to stop.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#457036 - 12/18/13 07:42 PM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
beautifulfeet356 Offline


Registered: 12/17/13
Posts: 6
Loc: United States
SoccerStar - Your absolutely right, but I have so many questions it is every difficult for me to not to try and solve every issue RIGHT THIS MINUTE cause I don't want to feel this way. Obviously, I think that's why you tell me to get the earthquake to stop, cause that's the emotions your referring to (I assume)
_________________________
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and he will make straight your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

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#457040 - 12/18/13 08:30 PM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
Mostly referring to withstanding and re-evaluating the initial shock which is less than a week old. Telling your parents tends to set them off emotionally, with shock and crying and guilt (if you're lucky - sometimes they minimize). You have to be steady enough to deal. There's also the possibility that your dad might not have answers you need. The way you feel right now, do you want to take the risk of maybe feeling a lot worse, immediately?

Obviously it's your own decision but I'd really recommend you focus on yourself at first.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#457053 - 12/18/13 11:14 PM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1585
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: beautifulfeet356
Compared to most, my situation is not that bad, but it feels like the worst thing in the world to me.


Hey beautifulfeet356,

Welcome aboard! One of the rules here is, don't compare your trauma to anyone elses. The exact details of what happened aren't what really matters. What matters is how you have reacted to it. And the shame, guilt, and being uncomfortable in your own skin, are reactions many of us are familiar with. You are not alone with this. There are 11,887 guys here that have your back.

Jude
_________________________
Can't be bothered with sorrow
And I can't be bothered with hate, no, no
I'm using up the time but feeling fine every day
That's why I'm telling you
I just want to celebrate another day of livin'
Rare Earth

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#457065 - 12/19/13 07:59 AM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1747
New Guy

Welcome and at the same sad anyone has to be here--but you are facing your abuse head on. You have set some goals--children and wife as well as ridding yourself of the effects have on your physical and emotional well being.

MS is a place you can share as you feel comfortable, give words of encouragement to others, join in chats on the chat room, and with support of others your healing journey will be supported. Support is essential in healing--it is difficult to heal alone--

Thank you for sharing your story and please accept support.

Heal well

Kevin

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#457092 - 12/19/13 08:19 PM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
honorableman Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/19/09
Posts: 26
Loc: United States
BF356,
You are innocent in my mind. You know bad people can be ingenious when they want to have sex with you. They work on controlling your mind and then go for your body.

I had a closeted bisexual/homosexual use his wife (my boss) to get close to me when I was a young man.

Look on the bright side, you made a mistake and so did I. My jerk grabbed me when I wasn't looking (wife let me slip out and blocked my view) your jerk got off on taking advantage of you when you were sleeping or relentlessly hounding you. The shame is theirs. They are the sexual perverts and we just happen to be heterosexual dudes in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Time to let go of your burden bro! I let go of mine and it feels AWESOME!! I got my cock back guilt free and pure!!

Life is full of crazy stuff when we are on our own in the world. Their idea is their idea. Forgive yourself, you deserve it.

Best always bro Michael

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#457100 - 12/19/13 09:51 PM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1137
Loc: The ATL

Hi BF356. Welcome to MS. I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through but I'm glad that you've found us and that you've taken your first step towards recovery. Taking that first step, accepting that what happened to you was abuse and realizing at the same time how much it damaged you is always going to be frightening and painful. For most of us it was even devastating. I know it was for me, but it was also essential. It is a pain that runs as deep as any other kind but it is a pain that needs to be felt.

To me, your story is one more example of the reality that there doesn't need to be much of an age difference for a sexual act to be abusive. In fact, there doesn't need to be an age difference at all. It's a fairly commonly held misbelief that all CSA is committed by adult pedophiles and it's a harmful myth at that. It's a myth that keeps many believing that what happened to them was their fault and that they have no right to feel damaged or harmed by what happened. You're in good company here though. The guys here "get it."

Like others have already suggested, you may want to hold off on telling your father about how everything happened. You may want to work through some of this first and try to get to a place where you can make the disclosure from a place of strength and in a state of mind where you will be ready for it if the disclosure does not go as well as you had hoped. I made the mistake of rushing into telling my parents and it turned out to be a bad move. The denial and minimization I got from my mother in particular was very difficult for me to take and I think set me back immensely at the time.

I know it's hard, but try to take your time with this. You have the rest of your life to sort this out and to work towards healing. Breath a little here and there. You're going to be ok and you don't need to rush any of this. Good luck on your journey. Peace,

Ken

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#457163 - 12/21/13 01:16 AM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
felix33 Offline


Registered: 10/17/13
Posts: 4
Loc: California
BF356,
Sorry for your story!
Blessings!
felix33
_________________________
felix33

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#457510 - 12/27/13 10:42 PM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 186
Loc: Virginia
Hi BF356,

Welcome. I'm really glad you found the MS site. I've only recently started dealing with this myself, and like you I have a wife and family.

The only advice I'd offer is to go at your own pace. I want this to be over with myself also, so I tend to rush things. Not productive. Despite the pain, the great thing now is that your healing is underway and you're in control now. Not anyone else.

Don't stress out about how long it might take, if it's going fast enough, and so on. Every guy is different, and there's no good way to predict any of that. Don't waste your time on it. The one promise I made to myself is that I would make this a priority. That meant finding a great therapist, telling my wife and selected close friends (but not family-- they wouldn't get it) and systematically and thoroughly digging into the really ugly stuff so I can put it behind me.

Again, I'm glad you're here. You'll find lots of guys who've gone through the same pain and who know what you're up against. Take care.

Bob
_________________________
Never worry about "three steps forward and two steps back." Thirty steps forward and twenty back are still ten steps in the right direction.

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#457534 - 12/28/13 11:15 AM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 284
Loc: Western Europe
Hej there Beautiful feet..

thank you for sharing your story. Your recognition of what has happened caused a lot of stir in your life. Thats not strange. I think most of us have been to this initial phase, the overwhelming nature of it all and what to do with it.

I recommend writing it done for yourself. It helps you to clear out your thoughts and get a bit of sense of the situation. You've survived all the way to here. You don't deserve to feel shame or guilt. You were used, abused. Taken advantage off. For whatever reason this guy did this to you, its up to you to give it a place.

Take your time and read and share with us. It can be a relief to be able to express your emotions and worries!

And i've recently started reading in a book called Victim no Longer. It really helps to explain that the abuse is but a symptom of what is wrong in todays society. Children deserve to be protected and as so many you were not. Perhaps this book can be of some help to you too!

I wish you well and welcome you here on MS!

Pieter


Edited by OCN (12/28/13 11:16 AM)
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#457554 - 12/28/13 07:57 PM Re: New Guy [Re: beautifulfeet356]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 743
Loc: Southeast USA
bf356,

I am so very sorry you experienced what you did. Your introduction invokes some strong feelings---abuse and false accusations. For various reasons, both are very sensitive topics for me. Though I'm coming to your thread a bit late, I want to share some advice I learned from experience and countless input from others on MS.

First of all, even though those recently unearthed feelings are raw, I learned it is best to pace yourself to avoid the mental exhaustion that comes with addressing these issues. I'm also the type of guy who likes to plot a course and take care of business. Handling abuse takes a more measured approach. On some level or another you have been dealing with this for years, but everyone else in your life will be a newcomer. Indeed, even you are a newcomer to these newfound feelings.

That is normal.

Second, I want to drive home the point his age versus your age is irrelevant. If he found he had a power advantage and used that against you, his actions can be construed as abuse. By reading others' stories, I understand how the definition of "power" is elusive at times. It isn't always age or size.

Finally, MS is a great resource to gain insight by just simply reading others' posts. Although every story is unique, they often fall into several broad categories. I'm not saying there is nothing new under the sun, but it's very likely you will learn something about yourself by reading other posts. Use this insight to formulate a plan for YOU. It may include posting on MS, counseling, and ultimately disclosure if and when you are ready. It's a journey for sure…I'm glad you've taken the first steps.

All the best.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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