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#456708 - 12/12/13 08:55 PM little lee pix
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3460
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i am making peace with little lee - with the help of old photos from my mom's hoard. it was a big step for me to even be willing to start looking at these pictures. this is an even bigger step for me - to let anyone else see me.

about 3 - the age i was when my father died




age 5 - just before mom remarried to the step-dad & 1st abuser



age 10 1/2 - just before puberty hit me -




age 12 - during the worst period of abuse and bullying



age 14-15 - just before the last molestation at age 15


LEE
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#456726 - 12/13/13 11:34 AM Re: little lee pix [Re: traveler]
forgive777 Offline


Registered: 05/18/13
Posts: 118
Loc: california
Lee I myself get anxious or seing baby pics. Of me it makes you feel emmotional! And angry at the same time its. Like who could do that to this innocent lil child.. Keep posting ....Up good day...
_________________________
BertG777

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#456735 - 12/13/13 01:10 PM Re: little lee pix [Re: traveler]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 333
Loc: Iowa, USA
Lee,

Congratulations for having the bravery to publish these pics. When I look at these, I see a transformation in your appearance, not associated with maturation. Maybe it's not apparent to the average person, but to survivors, it shows. When you were 10, there's a real spark and twinkle in your eyes. When you were 12, point you describe as being a particularly rough period, that twinkle has been replaced by hurt and anguish. The pain still shows at age 14.

I'm so sorry nobody recognized this change in you and stepped in to help. I'm not bringing this up to cause you more pain, but instead, I'm saying it because your pics show that the abuse cannot be hidden, for the signs are there, but it's up to someone else to see them.

All the best to you Lee. Thank you for all the help you've given me as well as other survivors. This is a good thing you've done by publishing your photos.

Regards

Dave

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#456747 - 12/13/13 07:14 PM Re: little lee pix [Re: traveler]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
thank you for sharing this.

very emotional response.

i hate hurt looking at pictures of MY childhood.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#456768 - 12/14/13 12:10 AM Re: little lee pix [Re: traveler]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 750
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Lee,

Your pictures remind me of looking at a picture of myself at age 1 1/2 many years ago. I looked into my eyes, and knew a big part of me had already vanished. Today, with skills I have now, it feels like going back to the places photos like these take me is a way I can reclaim my damaged self. It feels healing and integrative.

Thank You,

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#456770 - 12/14/13 01:26 AM Re: little lee pix [Re: don64]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Yes Lee

That is so good and so important. You advanced a mile in doing this.

I know because I also did that and I know what an important effect it had on me.

Mine are a bit scattered, mostly in:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8818#Post428818

and

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...1325#Post431325



Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (12/14/13 01:38 AM)

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#456824 - 12/14/13 09:37 PM Re: little lee pix [Re: traveler]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Hi, Lee.

I agree with Dave that the twinkle diminishes between the age of 10 and 12. And by the time you were 14 it is apparent you have experienced the unspoken hurt. I too am sorry no one was there for you.

How very strong and very brave of you to post these pics. I am glad you found them and by finding them, are finding pieces of yourself. Hugs, my friend.
bill
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#456825 - 12/14/13 09:47 PM Re: little lee pix [Re: pufferfish]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Puffer-

I took a little journey back and visited your pics as well. It just grieves me to see the change in the eyes of your photos. They are truly the window to the soul of a hurt, lost boy. Your story is told simply through your eyes. I am glad you posted those.

If I had a few of me, perhaps I would also. But alas, I was so far down the line of offspring and of such little importance, I have only one at the age of about 18 months or so.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#456857 - 12/15/13 02:51 PM Re: little lee pix [Re: ThisMan]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: ThisMan
Puffer-

I took a little journey back and visited your pics as well. It just grieves me to see the change in the eyes of your photos. They are truly the window to the soul of a hurt, lost boy. Your story is told simply through your eyes. I am glad you posted those.

If I had a few of me, perhaps I would also. But alas, I was so far down the line of offspring and of such little importance, I have only one at the age of about 18 months or so.


Thank you, ThisMan

Yes. In fact, I had looked at those pictures for years. I didn't understand how they fit in with my "story" until I started to put it all together. Then I was also surprised.

Puffer

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#456858 - 12/15/13 05:28 PM Re: little lee pix [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3460
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Thanks for the replies, guys!

This has been a strange experience for me. I don’t do facebook so I am not accustomed to seeing myself online. And these photos have a very surreal feel to them because I remember the times and places and having seen them before – but it has been such a long time since I would allow myself to look at them that they seem strange and unfamiliar at the same time. Almost a dιjΰ vu type of thing.

I got a different perspective on them after allowing you all to see them.

Forgive777: “it makes you feel emmotional! And angry at the same time its. Like who could do that to this innocent lil child.”

Thank you for saying that. It made it feel like I had permission to feel that too. Seeing those pictures objectively, that is what strikes me – the innocence and powerlessness – especially of the younger ages.

Dave: “When I look at these, I see a transformation in your appearance, not associated with maturation. Maybe it's not apparent to the average person, but to survivors, it shows. ...
I'm so sorry nobody recognized this change in you and stepped in to help. I'm not bringing this up to cause you more pain, but instead, I'm saying it because your pics show that the abuse cannot be hidden, for the signs are there, but it's up to someone else to see them.”

No, it did not cause me pain – it validated what I had felt – but thought maybe it was just my own preconception and hindsight – that someone should have seen what was happening. But the ones who should have – were responsible for the abuse – so there was no help.

Victor: “i hate hurt looking at pictures of MY childhood.”

That has been my progression, too – from hate and avoidance - through hurt – and now I think I am coming to acceptance and love for my younger self that is very good – like a wholeness being restored. I hope that will happen for you, too.

Don – “ Today, with skills I have now, it feels like going back to the places photos like these take me is a way I can reclaim my damaged self. It feels healing and integrative.”

Yes – I believe that is true. It is very healing. Sort of like giving love and comfort to the hurt and fractured little boy – in order to help the man. but the weird thing is - it is me both giving and receiving = and benefitting on both ends!

Puffer – yes, I remember seeing some of your boyhood photos in the past – and they affected me then – but not as deeply as now. Your 5 and 6 year old photos look especially haunted to me. Thanks for the links to re-visit.

bill: “I am glad you found them and by finding them, are finding pieces of yourself.”

That’s how it seems to me. Re-assembling or replacing lost or damaged pieces – like an old car or house being restored. I am sorry you don’t have some photos to share. But I hope you believe NOW that you are of much more value and importance than what your family ascribed to you back then.

Just one more observation – looking at the age 12 and 14 photos, I am amazed to see a CHILD. I felt like I was grown up – and have remembered the event at those times as if I was an adult – and that is so untrue. Even at 14 – though I was 5 ft 7 in and 115 lbs, I was just a young and defenseless boy. This has really helped me believe that.

LEE
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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