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#456699 - 12/12/13 06:27 PM Blaming my parents?
forgive777 Offline


Registered: 05/18/13
Posts: 117
Loc: california
Hi,

Ms since last year I been trying to heal, I actually went to a University Student therapy program. Where they where training threw us. I opened my abuse to this young female tharapist maybe even younger then me iam 30 now. She suggested some books...about abuse but I really haven't done anything about getting those books. Iam starting to feel angrier and angrier by the day about thinking about me being raped as child. I don't feel like this T did any good for me as I felt it was just making it worse for me becouse I opened up. Since I've been trying to heal! I been going thru a lot of ups and downs. EXAMPLE I lost my job that I went to school to learn this trade I got laid of three weeks ago and now have no money for Christmas,tags are exp.on my car, cell phone followed so its off.Ever since last year I keep blaming the perp. For all this wrong things that are bad and continue happening to me. Sorry iam changing it up a notch!!! Today I went to my parents restaurant to ask for a small loan so I turn my phone and pump gas. My dad said no!!! The quickly respond triggered me a very angry attitude and I responded "ok now that dad I don't come to get anymore negative outlooks can you help me please" No!!!! Was his answer so the point is why do I feel as i yell and blame some what of what happened to me when I was a kid and what is happening now!!!! To my folks I mean I have a lot of friends where they get laid off but have full family support why is my dad like this it angers me its like really you used to f@#k me up like a rag doll after the abuse its self I continued to get beat by my father!!! It wasn't pretty it was violant and possibly could of ended worst. Thank fully it didn't. But iam over whelmed of all that is going on at this point like I said its like after I opened up of the abuse. I feel like everyone looks weird at me or I can't act like I did before opened up. Why!!!! Do my folks reject me and iam now sort of blaming them for not taking good care of me when I was a child and that's why I got raped!!! By my neighbors!! And I feel that they should be a lot more supportive about this issue and maybe why I can't hold a darn job down .....I can't hold a job AND I can't find the reason why!!! I got a good motivation level but I just can't hold a job more then a year. Its rediculous I some what get my folks that of course Im thirty for one and most men are ahead in life married career oriented. Why can't I I hate it
_________________________
BertG777

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#456701 - 12/12/13 06:31 PM Re: Blaming my parents? [Re: forgive777]
staypositive Offline


Registered: 12/03/13
Posts: 10
Loc: nj
Have you attempted to seek out a fully licensed Psychologist or Social Worker to talk to about your intense feelings, maybe it could help sort things out? Or at least begin to?

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#456702 - 12/12/13 07:30 PM Re: Blaming my parents? [Re: forgive777]
forgive777 Offline


Registered: 05/18/13
Posts: 117
Loc: california
I havent since I been trying to get a journeyman license in my trade. And just been working even tho its less then a year in a comapany I still work another job. Write away! Nice thing about trade agencies. But I've been told by the young T there some locations around my area where it can be given with low or no cost. I just don't feel like its a good idea I'd rather pay a proffesional one on one but no time and when there is time there is no money...
_________________________
BertG777

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#456704 - 12/12/13 08:05 PM Re: Blaming my parents? [Re: forgive777]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3351
Loc: O Kanada
i had to forgive my parents.
i hated them for what happened to me.
it was killing me.

i had to completely remove them from my life.
i did not invite them back in until i had children of my own,
but only under supervision and strict conditions.
only one of them chose to commit to those conditions.
the other one is still not in my life, or theirs.

i swear i do not hate them any more.
but they do make me angry.

i feel sorry for them, because they are both elderly,
and ultimately did not do a very good job with their lives.

i have succeeded where they have failed... so far.

both my parents are millionaires,
so when i need money for their grandchildren,
i shamelessly ask for it.
they think that having accumulated assets makes them superior to me, because i am not materialistic and have very little net worth.
if they try to take advantage of the situation to give me advice or criticism, i tell them that i only take advice from people i want to copy,
i will not accept their opinions, only their money.
i usually say something similar to this...
it is more or less a rehearsed speech that i have had to repeat often.
it usually works.
"if you wish to contribute or donate to my family, your grandchildren, no strings attached, in the spirit of giving, love, sharing, charity, please do... you are welcome, and i thank you for your unconditional support...
BUT do not dare or presume to tell me how to do something that neither of you have done successfully, which is raise, guide, protect, or assist children, or how to stay married, or how to handle a spouse
."


that is usually enough to shame them into silence.
if they react in anger, i leave or hang up.
i never put myself in a position where i cannot immediately end the conversation.
i try not to be angry when i say this,
but i usually don't say it unless i already am,
in which case, i try to state it firmly and calmly,
because it is my truth.


i have been married over 22 years, most of them good years.
three unabused healthy productive successful happy young adult children.

case closed.
the results are in, i win.
i beat the family curse... so far.
the buck stops here!
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#456706 - 12/12/13 08:27 PM Re: Blaming my parents? [Re: victor-victim]
forgive777 Offline


Registered: 05/18/13
Posts: 117
Loc: california
Victor Victim I look up to you! I read your story about your ordeal I want to say thank you very much for every post you will post and the one you already have. Its an honor that you leave some wise advise thank you very much.. I really wanna aim that all that has happened and continue to do so is all related some major abuse rite after I was csa by my neighbor my father got really mad at the man who did this to his child like every father they want to kill the pervert. But short after that my father grew very mad and he then started beating me up for any lil thing like if I was playing down the cottosack with some friends if I heard a whisle I would litterally show up running. At times I would be watching a movie or having dinner my father will whistle and I couldn't hear so that was an intense bitting in a huge way!!! Iam really mad at my Dad and Mom for not taking my CSA serious.. Dad for whooping my ass all the time for simple kid behavior!!! There was one occation that really haunt me til this day is there was this one time I was maybe 11yrs of age I came home a lil late!!! Late means ten min. Passed 8pm my father had his leather belt in his hands and just started wooping me black and blue!! I was litterally screaming for my life... I was in intense pain I couls still remember him saying that I wasn't no F#@ AND why was I hanging out witj guys all late.. he also said he was going to chop my balls of.. if I become gay i was super confused as a kid and now as an adult pisses me off that he beat my ass for ltteing my self get raped.. like I was the fault and I been the dissapointment of the family do to his manipulation and money... He respects other males meaning my sisters boyfriends better then me... I been also dealing with this all my life...
_________________________
BertG777

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#456709 - 12/12/13 08:59 PM Re: Blaming my parents? [Re: forgive777]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3351
Loc: O Kanada
my dad has shown almost no interest in my sexual abuse.
it is a very uncomfortable subject for him.
he is a WWII survivor and no doubt witnessed and experienced unimaginable abuse.
he never mentions the war.

his attitude is don't dwell.
get up and go to work.
make money.
go to church.
dress nice.
don't discuss anything private with anyone.
be polite.
if someone asks how you're doing... answer "fine".

if someone crosses you... tell them to stop,
if they persist,
destroy them quickly and violently if necessary,
with malice and extreme prejudice.
deal with the legal consequences later, if forced to.
if not caught or punished, don't give it a second thought.
i have never seen him express remorse for any of the numerous people he has assaulted.
in fact, quite the opposite.
he will often brag about some of the people he has taught a lesson to.
and i am talking about an ex-professional boxer and coach, who has worked as a bouncer and enforcer.

it took me many years to come to the conclusion,
through all the confusion,
that HE is not ME.

i simply cannot operate like him, as much as i tried.
i cannot even agree with his philosophy,
because it contradicts everything i believe.

besides, as i stated earlier,
from my perspective, his life sucks.
his methods have made him a successful businessman,
and nothing else.
he has been divorced 5 times.
he has volatile relationships with 4 dysfunctional children.
three out of those four kids fell victim to CSA.
one daughter despises him, and is openly hostile and remains estranged.
in addition, he has 3 step children who want nothing to do with him, because he physically assaulted their mothers prior to divorcing them.
there is one other child out there, an accident from the 1960's that he refuses to acknowledge, although it has been generally accepted that she is my half-sister.


what does it profit a man to gain the world, but lose his soul.
success without happiness is bogus.

if success or happiness is defined as being alone,
sitting on a big pile of money and material goods,
then i don't want that.

the simple facts are...
he left my mom when i was around 6 years old.
he left the province soon after that.
he was NOT THERE to protect me.
coincidentally, that is when the sexual abuse began.
he did not reappear until i was a complete mess in my mid-teens.
he tried to discipline me with tough love and i told him to F OFF.

i did not cost him a dime, growing up.
i had to beg, borrow, steal, and earn my way to today, without his help.
if he wants to help his grandkids,
he can subsidize my success.
he is welcome to come and visit anytime, to experience and be part of a real family.

i control what is said by him in the presence of my children.
if he speaks inappropriately in front of my children,
i ask him to stop.
so far, he has always respected that rule in my home.

_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#456711 - 12/12/13 09:17 PM Re: Blaming my parents? [Re: victor-victim]
forgive777 Offline


Registered: 05/18/13
Posts: 117
Loc: california
My father always has been strong attitude he use to tell me the same thing"don't say anything personal is what he reapeted to me growing up as a child.. He use to say to me to nkt say anything about the csa. That people will think that I was gay and all this other nonesense!!! He's always been f&$#@ to me most of my life .. I had brought up that the Csa was surfacing and I couldn't focus I was anxious I had imsomnia. And he told me to be a man that that kind of things happen all the time.. that I wasn't the only one to put that in the past that others had it worst that all I should have in my brain is WORK WORK WORK WORK WORK.. Iam almost 100% That my father doubts me immensly so those my moher... They think al 'll bad that has happenend to me and a the fd up family issues put them behind live life with out bringing it up becouse bringing it up will hurt me more... or continue to hold me down.
_________________________
BertG777

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#456714 - 12/12/13 09:42 PM Re: Blaming my parents? [Re: forgive777]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3351
Loc: O Kanada
i remind you,
look at the source of the advice.

has it worked for them?
is their life any better than yours?
are they any happier than you?
do you want to be like that person?

my dad used to preach and teach emotional suppression,
but i discovered that "stuffing" was unhealthy,
so i told him to "stuff" it!

he has since discontinued that conversation.
i have not heard that "be a man" "suck it up" from him for many years.
it may be that he has learned something from me,
but i doubt it.
i think he just gave up,
or got tired of my rude rebuttals.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#456715 - 12/12/13 09:46 PM Re: Blaming my parents? [Re: forgive777]
forgive777 Offline


Registered: 05/18/13
Posts: 117
Loc: california
I am slowly getting to that CSa trully ruined a part of me do to someone else's invading when i was young and vulnerable. .. SmH
_________________________
BertG777

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#456717 - 12/12/13 09:52 PM Re: Blaming my parents? [Re: forgive777]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3351
Loc: O Kanada
know your place, and claim your space, brother!
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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